ahh the last day of exams. hahas no more muggin wooots!! and as promised all the photos of midsummers night dream. and i realized im real fugly and fat. aHHH dun i juz hate myself. :(


thats me and george
me and jordan, hahas ever de big smile


me and teck liang.
"bruda" and george
teck, jordan and george. hahas sumone looks slpyy
bruda and teck liang. hahas, kinda cute
its not fair dat i dun have starbucks. stupid rich kids. lol, kd
me and bruda. okay, do i look fugly or wad.. YUX
jordan and his pie. i think he forgot he had eyelids. LOL!!
teck has juz given unglam a whole new definition..
tok about chiobus.. hahas. naz, siokxin and angela
they kept complaning their arms were fat..
there seems to be a rather confused guy.. LOL, and wad is it dat has caught naz attention.. mayb she saw a ufo..






de same story, juz with more lights. hahas




i dun look too bad here. coz its BLUR!!



























beauty and de beast. seriously, i represent fugly itself
hahas this is damn nice..
i like de effect here
they stole my camera..
so did they.
tsk. hahas kd lah, i LOVE this photo!!
bruda seems rather unhappy..
hahas, ive got hot gals everywhere arnd me!! syaf, naz and me.
omggg, cuteee, if i wasnt there


i love these 2 photos. timot and mary are in them!! sophie looks abit lyk a ghost frm here.. lol!!



aHHH dun we loook GOOD!??



and we still hawt here!!!
dun ask, i had a bad hair day, my face is incredibly huge, my teeth are SOO big and then theres this lyk far better lookin guy beside me, thx, i feel so much better.



















sorry for the lack of captions, theres smth wrong wif these silly thing, its de best i can do. hahas hope u guys lyk it!!

replies:

hahas, heys sihui, i'll try lahh, i can do cheerfull.. hahas, i noe i can. i think. lol

end replies

tmr is de last day of my exams. so farr, the only paper dat i KNOW i wun be able to make it is math. the rest are better de i expected. esp chinese, its rly quite manageable. i wish i cud say the same for math though, which happens to be the MORE impt subj. lol.

life isnt gettin any better, or gettin any worst, its kinda stagnant and dull. with exams and all, i guess theres quite little time to worry about other things. well at the very least, i dun have time to be suicidal. lol.

i thank god for my frens hu have been there for me this entire time... seeing all u guys again made me feel better, and hanging out wif all of u, makes me feel that life aint so bad after all. mayb i was blind to have make such a big mistake b4. i dun regret anth, coz now, im gg to cherish u guys even more. so rly thx alot..
and special thanks to naz!! hahas, for introing DBSK!!! hahas. its a veryyy big part of my life now..

okay, tmrs hist and lit. de last two papers, gg to mug for de last time todae. and slack for at least a week after dat. lol. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!

replies:

heys passerby, hahas, are u sumone i noe?? or are u rly a passerby?? but all de same, thank you very much, i rly appreciate it alot! :) ure right, its de little victories that define hu i am, but theres smth about giving away ur heart to receive nth but pain in return that destroys you. and having it happen so many times is more than i can take, even the strongest will fall one day. hahas, sorry im lyk in perpetual gloom. but i do rly appreciate it. god bless.. :)

end replies.

music is my life!!!

todae is the start of skool, and econs and gp common tests were today, and i flunked market failure, scored at labour market and flunked the last part of my eng summary. ah well, all in all, it was okay i guess. yups.

and wad made me most happy was seeing my classmates all over again!! hahas, i miss them so much. and they really made me happyy, hahas esp when talkin about dbsk and their AMAZING VOICES!!! WOOOOO~ hahas.

yups, yups, im living off music now, listening to great lovely songs.. omggg, so great lahhh.

still got more common tests coming up. FCUK. ah well. lol, just take it easy and mug abit more lah. hahas, can make it one.. yupsyups.

aniwae, haPPY BDAE TIMOT!!! its ur bdae todae!! lol. wishing u all de bestt!!

alright off to hear more dbsk songs. AHHHH!!! XD

replies,

lol siokxin, no its not becoz i cut my hair, i lyk cutting my hair. hahahas, but its ok lah, i guess the worst is over. i hope. yups, anw miss ya loads, see ya in skool tmr!!

end replies

fortunately or unfortunately, i am NOT dead. it is in all ways NOT a blessing and till date, this very moment, i wish i wasnt alive.

i really want to apologise to those who really care and have been there to encourage me and push me on. but im really sorry, because i no longer feel anything except a really hollow feeling. if im not feeling empty, im feeling upset. not a great way to keep living

right now the word to describe me is desperate, im really desperate, either for a miracle to happen or for me to just pass away.

anyway, im no longer sad over the past events that occured to me, im over it, but undeniably it has destroyed me, i feel my heart slipping away, i feel myself slipping away. from crying to relieve my pain, to insanity to hide from my suffering, and finally losing my heart all together. i cant even call myself benjamin anymore, cause i no longer noe wad i am.

the greatest death that can occur, is death of the heart, to be devoid of emotions, devoid of love, care and concern. and thats what im experiencing now, and it really hurts so much, because all my life, my purpose was to bring happiness and love into the life of others, but now, i cant. and i cant even bring myself to love people now and it feels really terrible

and i dun wan my heart to die, so b4 i really lose myself, i wna move on.

i really really want to move on. i really wish suicide wasnt a sin, but i alr feel temptation to attempt the horrifyingly wrong.

i rather die den become something else.

and deep in my heart, i noe i can nv be wad i use to be.

so my lord, im really beggin you, plz take me away. im tired of pretending. so end it for me. plz.

im really sorry, cheryl, siokxin, clara, syaf, u guys have awaez been there for me, but right now, i only want to leave. i hope u all understand. and siokxin, hahas, tht ben that use to sing with u, i think hes gone.

i wna die. never thought i'll say this. but i wna slp and i dun eva want to wake up. yea there are things that i would miss, people that i wna see again. but compared to the rest of the things i dun miss and de people i dun wna face or think about, its nth.

if my lord loves me, i rly hope he'll let me go.

death may not be an escape but its better than tormenting myself everyday. im losing myself, losing my humanity, im starting to longer care, and i dun wan that to happen. mayb dying is stupid and thinkin of it is immature and selfish, but to me, its helplessness and misery that drives me to do so. i dun wna live for anyone any longer, but if i have to live for myself, i rather die. even my mum said im changing, she said that the son she knew wasnt lyk this. if i have to hurt anyone in the course of my living, den leaving would be better

so my lord, if u rly care and if u rly love me, let my suffering end.

its amazing how i remember things that happened so long ago. i realized that there are so many things that actually lie dormant in my mind, not forgotten, just locked away, waiting for "keys" to open them up.

it sucks when u rmb the hurt uve been thru before. it sucks when it all comes back to you. every single incident. every single time u cried and u fucking rmb the reasons why.

thx mind, for not forgetting, i could forget formulas and facts with a snap of my fingers but not things that hurt me. so yea, thx alot.

just for once in my life, once in my utterly pathetic and virtually useless life, i wish that there was sumone hu wud treat me right. for once in my life, i ask that i dun have to pour out my heart and recieve nth but pain at the end.

seriously, fuck, ive went mad b4 and i cannot go thru it again.

mayb i was born to be made use of, it seems so. i was born to give but not take, was born to suffer, was born to b humiliated, was born to serve others purposes, born to b made a toy, a ride, a plaything.

mayb.

heck,

its confirm.

if dats my life, den i might as well stop complaining and get use to it.

All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay, I don't feel safe
I don't feel safe...

Left broken empty in despair
Want to breathe, can't find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way

And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone...

I tell ya..
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay, I don't feel safe
I need to... pray

Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There's not much more to say
But I hope you find a way

Still I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

I tell ya...
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay, I don't feel safe
I need to pray

Oh pray
(Heavenly father)
Ohh heavenly father
(Please, save me)
Oh save me

And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay, I don't feel safe
I need to.. pray

i thank god for my friends. if it wasnt for you all. i might alr be dead. so thankyou.

.Do you prefer pancakes or roti prata
for breakfast?
; i rather sleep

2.Do you prefer chocolate chips or
fudge as your ice cream topping?
; FUDGE!! chocolate chips require biting. biting requires energy... u get de idea

3.Do you prefer Nicole Richie as a
brunette or blond?
; whos nicole richie? oops ><

4.Do you prefer to be single & free to
date or attached and be faithful to
one person?
; attached and faithful. :)

5.Do you prefer to work hard or eat
tarantulas for money?
; omg.. eat tarantulas??!!

6.Do you prefer Cameron Diaz or
Jessica Biel dating JT?
; hu cares..i wan dem dating me!!

7.Do you prefer to be caught scolding
a person or digging your a** by the
paparazzi?
; i have no embarassing moments. XD

8.Do you prefer Brad Pitt or Johnny
Depp to walk the red carpet with you?
; ewww nO!! i wan natalie portmann.. ahhh

9.Do you prefer having a personal
stylist or personal chauffuer?
; stylist!! omg, i'll look damn good everydayy

10.Do you prefer to pick up dumbells
or swing a hula-hoop to be toned?
; hula actually, u can a nicer overall body shape. arms only makes ur upper body look good

11.Do you prefer to have
bigger 'behind' or bigger 'infronts'?
; i wan infronts to b flat but firm please. behind to b just nice.

12.Do you prefer to be called
a 'b***h' or a 'nerd'?
; no i prefer to be called.. SHUAI.. LOL!!!! kdkd

13.Do you prefer homecooked meals or
restaurant foods?
; homecooked, coz i dun hv to leave the house

14.Do you prefer to be given a
Mercedez or a million bucks for your
b'day?
; i wan both please

15.Do you prefer your girl making you
coffee or get her to buy you starbucks?
; nah, i make coffee and buy starbucks for her.. X)

16.Do you prefer following your heart
or mind?
; wth. no answer

17.Do you prefer joining a competition
or signing up at an agency to model?
; wad competition?? and which agency??

18.Do you prefer to be able to speak
Spanish or French?
; nah i wna speak bangali.. LOL!!

19.Do you prefer to be deaf or blind?
; i rather be blind. i dun eva have to see ppl sad.

20.Do you prefer to appear
in 'Desperate Housewives'
or 'Prisonbreak'?
; i wna be on SINGAPORE IDOL!!!

21.Do you prefer to wear a floral
dress or slim jeans&bareback for a
date?
; nah i wear bras and panties..LOL!!

22.Do you prefer to get a hug or a
kiss?
; hug!!!

23.Do you prefer having a life like
Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan?
; no way, not a drug addict and a sex addict..

24.Do you prefer Jay-Z or Diddy as
your manager?
; i hate dem.

25.Do you prefer making the move or
wait?
; wait.. im tired of making the move.. not in de relationship kinda way though

26.Do you prefer to have your time on
top of a nature hill or in the corner
of your room?
; nah, i wan the corner of my room to be on top of a nature hill. LOL

alright.. its time to mug man. hahas. yea. but guess wad, i hvn started mugging yet!! lyk im in dead shit lah. hahas. well, the only comfort is that math tuition is damn bloody helpful!!

hahas math seems so much easier now. and oh man.. i nv thought i'll say this but.. MATH TUITION RAWKS!!!! hahahahas. smth i nv tot i'll say lahh. but yea. loving it. :))

wad have i been doing then for the past half of the month.. hahas, i think other den hours in frun of the com playin mmorpgs, its thinkin about stuff.. stuff i guess i have no wish to mention. but at least the worst is over. not crying much anymore.

but then suddenly.. sumthing from the past came to remind me..

"when people dont love you the way u want them to, it doesnt mean they dont love you with all their heart."

i rmb this statement very very well. i made a mistake b4, and im not sure if im making the same old mistake again. but wad i learnt from tv, learn from previous experiences, seems to contradict this statement.

hahas. im in a state of turmoil once again. conflicting desires, clashing thoughts. oh mann.. hahas. seriously, im not ready for it. haiz. come wad may la. i'll take it one step at a time. i'll let god guide my path thru and hope for the best.

my toe hurts. not kidding when i say i cant walk. okayy, mayb not dat serious, but i cant walk without limping arnd.. and my foot hurting lyk hell. i believe i am LAME.. ure suppose to get the joke.. LOL.

replies:

sophie: hahas, u din really change per se.. i just have a feeling ure different. sum way sum how. hmms.. cant rly explain it la. but dun wry, ure still my best bruda ever!! u takkaire too yah?? let tok again sooN!!

liwee: heyys!!! hahas mISS YA TOO!!!! lol. thx for saying all those encouraging stuff to me when i rly needed it. im sorry i wasnt myself that day, but i rly do appreciate it.. ALOT!! TY!!!

sihui: heys S!!!! hahahas, yea, i met up wif u all thrice this month!! glad to see ya still as glam as ever!! LOL!! hahas, dun wry, i'll be okay.. i think la.. lol. u tc yah?? XD

syafs: im really sorry syaf.. ive been damn lazy.. no doubt abt that.. i will get it done. I WILL!! if i dun.. u can rly slap me. and btw.. MISS YOU!!! hahahas, and why was de monday shoppin trip lyk cancelled?? :(

yang: heyys!! met ya at de bbq!! HAPPENING!!! LOL!! yea no doubt about that. hmms. although its about one of the most terrible alr. but i'll get thru it i guess, i always do in de end. but i think i will change.. :( i dun lyk change.. but i feel ive changed.. how are u?? tc yah?? u dun snd too cheerful either..

end replies

watching tv's cool yea? lol

i actually learn stuff from the tv. hahas. so yup, tv rawks.

i'll move on. and be happy moving on. theres no such thing as a painful past, there are only lessons to be learnt. lesson1, maybe all the hurt ive been thru was my fault, but its hopeless mending things already broken. lesson2, im tired and spent, maybe while moving furthur down my life, i'll find even more happiness. lesson3, its okay to hurt, but its nv okay to giv up. so yea, mayb i'll just cry this one last time.. and then, rmb that things will work out right for me.

i love u my lord. yups. hahas i do.

i love u all hu care for me. i really do.

yups.. see im still full of love.

okayyy, gettin randomm.. lol.

yups. and thank you, you.

replies:

sophie: hahas u so buzyyy.. lol. but we're going out soon!! hahahas, yayy, and i'll bring my camera, and and we'll camwhore and and and we'll have a good time!!! WOOOO. lols. thx bruda.. for everything...

Tim: BOOOO!! hahas, timot!! thx for taggin!!!! lol. so rare lors!! and yea, THANK YOU VERY MUCH *bows down* for helping me.. lol. u really did. hees, so yea.. i thank god for such a great fren.. GOD BLESS!! XD

siokxin: hahahas, hEYYY, how was smun?? was it funn??? betcha u muz b dead tired.. flag day?? NO!!!!!! NEVER!!!! EVER!!! hahahas, i will nv go for flag day ever again, i learnt my lesson de last time.. hahahas, u going? tmrs one arhs? have funn!!

end replies.

i feel so alone. everything threatens to tear me apart. i am overwhelmed by all that is happening and i have no idea what to do.

i feel like im going crazy. my head feels light headed and im smiling when im sad. ive no idea wad are the feelings im going thru. i nd to break down but i cant. i nd to cry, but i laugh. everythings running amok and im acting as if everything is fine.

am i really on the verge of insanity?

the world will not accomodate people like me. perhaps i do belong in the asylums.

im not kidding.

i really need to see a shrink.

because im rly want to distract myself, i shall not blog about stuff.

1. whats one thing thats heavily
weighing on your mind?
. need i say?

2. whats one thing you've learned from
a good friendship gone bad?
. i never learn, i mean it both in a joking manner and seriously as well

3. whats one thing you've learned
lately from love?
. it hurts

4. is there anyone special in your life
at the moment?
. yea

5. whats a happiest time you've had in
the past week?
. when i fall aslp

6. how far would you go for love?
. very farr..

7. is there anything in your past that
you'd like to try again?
. no. i wud make the same mistakes again aniwae

8. whats your favorite kind of weather?
. when it rains very heavily

9. why is that?
. its de best time to slp at home

10. who do you like to spend your
nights with?
. kaypo

11. are you an emotional person?
. i shall not answer this.

12. can you cry in front of others
easily?
. not sure

13. what is something that can always
make you feel better?
. singing.. unless the song makes me sad too

14. what does love make you feel like?
. in love

15. are you self conscience?
. yes

16. do you think of others before
yourself?
. i shall not answer

17. where do you see yourself this time
next year?
. at home, its alr 12 am lah

18. do you tend to make relationships
complicated?
. i think so

19. do you think you'd be able to
survive a whole year in jail?
. no, i'll be dead

20. who do you feel the most
comfortable around?
. i dun wan to answer this too

21. is there something that you're
waiting for?
. yes

21. one thing you're not looking
forward to?
. tmr night

22. how do you feel about change?
. scary

23. what season are you most looking
forward to?
. when its the season to be merry

24. any plans this summer?
. i tot summer was alr over?

25. what are your plans for your next
birthday?
. i wna have a party. and mayb, just mayb celebrate it at sum club, just for fun

26. do you even care about your
birthday?
. not really, i do lyk presents though

27. do you think someone out there is
in love with you?
. huh?

28. how do you feel right this second?
. i dun wan to say

29. want to have babies? when? with
whom?
. yesss. in future. with somebody

30. how do you feel about racism?
. disgusting

31. what about the president?
. which?

32. when do you think the world will
end?
. when do u think i will die?

33. do you even think about this kind
of stuff?
. do i look lyk a retard?

replies:

siokxin: hahas, yah, so late liao la. and in the end there was no pw. grahh.. i went to skool for nth. lyk FFFFF.. hahas, at least lunch was nice. though it was sad too. ahhh..

sophie: hahas, lets go out on thurs. lets spend the entire day out, frm morn to night. hahas. do everything, shop, eat, etc etc.. kk?? hahas, u see hu u wna ask lor. sms me kk?? miss ya!!

end replies.

i think its really very very scary how i always find songs that really reflect how i feel. and i always hear/find the song when im feeling whatever it is im feeling, not b4 or after but right when im feeling it.. hmms. hahas, i take it its god giving me a sign then.. hahas, thank you my lord.

KEEP HOLDING ON [avril lavigne]

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
no I won't give in

Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say (nothin' you can say)
Nothing you can do (nothin' you can do)
there's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend (ah ah)
I'll fight and defend (ah ah) yeah yeah

Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just, stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through

We'll make it through

Hear me when I say
When I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change trust in me
Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

La da da da, la da da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holdin' on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin' on
Ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh
Keep holdin' on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could say
nothin you could do
nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

yups. creepy.. but i like it.

i need strength to try and carry on. i know not where to draw my strength from any longer. i am fully spent and in every way describable, tired. but yet i still move, one step at a time, in my heart still waiting for things to turn out right. i know they will.

anyway, i guess i should blog abit about angelines and mabels combined birthday party yesterday. hahas. it was damn fun and i was really glad to be able to meet up with all my old friends. some of which i have not met in a really really long long time. hahas. so yups, was great.

the bbq was great, food was fantastic, as usual, im cooking.. wahahas, not that i mind lah. it was damn fun. although the first few chicken wings i made were.. hahas. of african race.. bwahahas. anyway really enjoyed the party very much. yupsyups.

i shall upload all my photos once and for all.. another day. hahas, really sorry cause its such a hassle to upload so many photos.. its very very slow.. so i really want to find a day where i can just spent it just uploading photos. hahas.

theres pw tmr.

one word.

ew.

need i say more?

replies:

fangyi: hahas if i cud dun do it.. i wudnt lahh.. hahahas, aniwae.. yay!! we met up!! LOL!! great to see u at angelines party!! lol. cya arnd soon!! lol..

sophie: OKAY!!! LOL!! i hvn really set a date yet.. i'll sms u tmr and let u noe. teck liang watched shrek alr?? sobs... y so fast de?? sian diao la.. im deprived frm shoppin too!! not dat i have money to shop aniwae.. hahahas.

siokxin: hahas yups feeling better alr. TY!! XD. yes tmr is pw.. a glorious doom.. yups. grahh.. hate it.. cya tmr!!! go out soon!!

syafs: why u wna slap me?? hahahas.. sorry.. i noe i take very long for the photos.. will put it up real real sooN!!! hahas, we are gg out sOON!!! lol. on de 11th right?? for shoppin at bugis??

end replies.

right now im suppose to go for pw and after dat im suppose to have a math lecture. but im rly freakin feelin unwell. stayin up till 4 to look at de gpp.. was indeed stupid. now ive got a bludy headache.. but i guess its my fault for not being present de last time we had a pw session.

im feelin kind of down i guess.. i think i know why.. but sumtimes knowing the reason is not a blessing.. i guess, i juz have to be strong and move on.

yest was kinda scaryy.. bcoz in de middle of the night i felt smth very horrible.. i cant rly pinpoint wad it was.. but it was a very terrible feeling. lyk smth rly bad happen. i cudnt get my mind off it. i rly hope nths wrong..

hmms.. wad a short post.. ahahaas.. but i dun wan to write wad i rly feel.. bcoz its stuck in a box at the back of my head which i cant open. so yea.

im kind of tired.. but im moving forward.. i believe dat gods plan for me is worth being strong. i believe in u my lord. i do.

replies:

sophie: AHHH BRUDA!!!! hahahas, i miss u so muchhh.. sobssobs.. im not sure if things are fine though.. its quite unpredictable.. but im still coping, how bout u?? tc k?? and and and.. lets go out!!!

siokxin: HAR?? fall in love wif george?? lol. i miss u lots and lots too. nopes i hvn.. bwaahahas, im still as fugly as ever.. grahhh. tc my dear.. <33!! XD

end replies