so the feeling of loss and despair slowly fades away as i distance myself further and further away.

do i have low self esteem? i think not. i think having little confidence in oneself is very different from facing certain truths in life. i think the worst of myself but i'm not a pessimist, in fact, i'm an optimist. i see things in a very optimstic light. yes i run myself down all the time, i think i'm like the most pathetic useless creature in the whole wide world.

NOT because i like it. it's because i see no reason in exalting myself, raising myself so high above others your nostrils take over your sight duty. and besides, since people like to feel high and mighty, you definitely need people "lower" than you. so why not me, since i don't enjoy the feeling of being glorified etc etc.

i don't like to think about myself because i'm trying very hard to avoid being self centered. something i'm very prone and vulnerable to. why care about myself when there are thrillions of other things to care about?

i don't make money a big deal because i think money is the least impt thing in life. NOT because i'm rich. I AM NOT. and i'm telling you in all truth that i found out that my dad is earning only a average four figure salary. IT IS NOT some astronomical sum that you can't calculate with that pocket size calculator, contrary to many beliefs. but so? that doesn't mean have to scrimp and save right? if i can buy just that brief momentary moment of happiness for someone else. THEN WHY NOT?

you know what, i can go on grousing for all eternity, but i won't. there will always be people who will think i'm insane. and that i need psychological help. i'm used to it already. even my parents think i'm out of my mind, so why shouldn't others.

maybe i just need to seperate myself from the rest of this world.


吃饭吃到睡了
我开车开到了傻了
我看书看到你了
开始怀疑我怎么了
说话说到吐了
我写歌写到了疯了
我爱你爱到盲了
天知道我又怎么了
不舍得 舍不得 都分手了
舍不道 不舍得 散了
爱是你的
我是我的 完了
原来我只是突然累了
原来我不说了
原来我撑着
撑到麻了
原来我不爱了
吃饭吃到睡了
我开车开到了傻了
我看书看到你了
开始怀疑我怎么了
说话说到吐了
我写歌写到了疯了
我爱你爱到盲了
天知道我又怎么了
不舍得 舍不得 都分手了
舍不得 不舍得 散了
原来我只是突然累了
原来我不说了
原来我撑着
撑到麻了
原来我不爱了
原来我只是突然累了
原来我不说了
原来我撑着
撑到麻了
原来我不爱了
DA LA....
原来我不说了
原来我撑着
撑到麻了
原来我不爱了

是, 我突然累了

haha, omg, i went for a haircut today and the auntie...

cut a AHBENG hairstyle for me!

AHBENGGGGGGG!!

i don't think i sport the look very well. it's nice, it's just not ben.

so tmr i'll go to school looking like a poser. fark. hahahaha

it seems to be getting better. but maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.

ahh whatever. i'm not even going to think about it.

you know there's something seriously wrong with me,

when i,

- start bingeing like nobody's business and i take more than four meals a day
- get this sudden onset of migraines
- sob for what it seems like no apparent reason
- start shouting and laughing at the top of my voice to pretend nothing's wrong with me
- start to remember about all the unhappy memories i sought so hard to keep hidden
- start to spend more time with my family to get that feeling of stability
- start begging god like some pathetic useless trash for him to relieve my pain
- try to suffocate myself with the pillow

it's back to the asylum for me it seems.

are you real or fake.

are you a bad dream or real pain

and

.
.
.
.

are you friend....

or foe.

i really wished it was all simply a bad dream. i went to sleep with the problems ringing in my head. when i was just about to wake i told myself that everything was simply a nightmare but when i opened my eyes i realized nothing changed.

it's so sad. it's really so sad that i entered a stage in which i have to wake up wishing reality was naught but a bad dream i could just simply wake up from.

and the saddest thing is, i still wished it was all a bad dream. and that tmr when i open my eyes, it would all be gone.

how stupid and naive.

and utterly unrealistic.

i should forget about things. it probably doesn't even matter to others anyway.

if only it was as easy as it seems.

but i see no reason to keep beating myself up over it.

i'll just keep trying.

the kite's string snaps if you pull it too tight. i should probably just let it fly away

i don't understand but i never tried asking.

good god, i will listen to you.

and just let go.

i'm blaming myself for all that happened. it makes everything so much easier. at least this way i don't feel angry nor disappointed. only sad. hahahaha. the lesser of two evils huh?

i'm sorry then. because i guess i must have made some mistake or maybe many. i can only guess. but all the same i'm still sorry.


orientation in aj is... hurm... kind of fun lah. if you know how to get high that is. it would be better if... but nvm then. tmr might be the last day i have with 17. hurm...

so i'm starting to follow this hurm trend. hahahaha, i think naz started it. loll.

you know i think i won't even ask to die anymore because i never do. and it's kind of sickening when everytime you fall sick and you half wish it's something so serious, it's terminal. but the thing is, it never is. you just take a few pills and viola, you're well again. hahahaha

i think the day when i wish i didn't have to die would be the day i do. SO WIERD. hahahahaha

i guess i can trace all the blame back to myself in the end. but all the same it hurts to be played around like a toy. i am after all only human, i have feelings, i hurt as well. so it doesn't help when you blow hot and cold, it doesn't help when i become a ride you get on and off whenever you please.

i'm not grousing nor am i regretting anything. i like seeing you happy, all of you for that matter, so sometimes it's okay to be a toy. but i can't be just a plaything twenty four seven. in the end, i will break.

i simply feel so tired, so drained and so exhausted.

but then again, i'm sure everyone wil trace the fault back to me someway somehow. that's the way it always has been. and always will be.

god, i feel so ...

fucked up.

i think i nearly hyperventilated. it's disappointment, anger and sadness all occuring simultaneously. you don't need a death note to kill me after all. i think a heart attack is bound to happen sooner or later

i don't understand why is it i'm so weak. this inability to control my emotions is so frustrating. i hate falling into these random spells or sadness and depression.

i can't take it when all of a sudden i'm overwhelmed by this great desire to cry.

it's so hard to move on.

i never liked goodbyes.

i wish i didn't act the way i did in school. i hate how i behaved in school today. like some bloody effing bastard throwing idiotic tantrums and ranting away like a barking madman.

and it doesn't help when i keep harbouring thoughts about how much of a loser i am and how much everything that happened is like my bloody fault. seriously, if there was this dark deep bottomless pit, i wuld be the first to jump in. at least the world would be rid of one particularly irritating nuisance.

yeah.

i apologoise to everyone for being an asshole today.

i liked valentine's day regardless of how things turned out and what happened in the course of the day. i liked today as well, it just, wasn't happy. but i still liked it.

obviously i have to.

seeing how monday is the last day we have together.

i hate living now.
hate myself too.

but what's new anyway.

i'm suppose to be blogging all about my trip to korea. but due to.. hmm.. new circumstances, i don't really have the mood to do it.

my head hurts. my body tires. i have this incessant nosebleed. this irritating cough. and i have lips bigger than a gorilla.

i feel so tired.

but when i sleep, the nightmares start coming.

tmr is valentine's day. it doesn't make my mood any better. i really can't be bothered to go dig out those gifts i bought. in fact i don't fel like going to school tmr.

i put the blame on myself. all of it. and god you know why. so what am i suppose to do to make things better?

i'm fighting this really strong urge to just ...

damn it.

a great many people did not come for school today. the usual long line of students present during assembly was so greatly dwindled that it was almost sad to gaze upon.

the outing was cancelled. victor is sick, so it's okay i guess. do take care and get well soon! in the end a few of us remainded in school whiling the time away either in front of the com or at the basketball court.

but it was fun all the same.

i guess this is how things are going to be after the 19th. everyone i hold so dear and close to my heart will be gone. just the thought of that alone makes me want to hide in a deep dark hole and never emerge again.

and i seem to be oblivious when angela and syaf are around. that ain't right, and i'm really sorry. i really didn't mean it.

i'll be taking off in about 6 hours time. i'm so afraid the clothes i'm wearing are more of a fashion statement than something to keep me warm. and i remember how the cold makes me all frustrated and mad. yikes.

but on the other hand. SNOW! something i haven't seen in the longest of time.

i'm going to miss my everyone. i hope they have wireless there.

i haven't got a beanie. so i'm going to get one there.

i'm so psyched at going skiing. but so bummed at the thought of not being to cel cny with all my friends. from pj gang all the way to 17 and syaf and angela and clara and shitien....

damndamndamn.

shitshitshit.

hahaha.

leaving home in 2 hours time.

pray my plane doesn't crash.

on the train back home i was just thinking about how hopelessly useless and unimaginably pathetic i was. but since the crisis has been averted then i'll postpone thinking what a loser i am.

hahahaha

today was rather traumatising. all the things about parents and children, dying on birthdays and such has really left me quite perturbed and disorientated. i keep thinking how i would feel if i were in their places.

i don't think i can handle that sort of hurt.

yeah, come to think of it, i can't live without my family. i love them so much. my life would never be as wonderful as it were now if anyone wasn't around.

damn, so cheesy. but yeah, i love them so much

and my friends as well. i wouldn't know what being happy meant if i never had them.

i'm so afraid that something will happen in korea or along the way there. i don't know why, but i just have this ominous feeling that i won't make it back. and it doesn't help when i've been getting nightmares these few nights.

i don't think i could bear losing any of my loved ones and my friends.

it's very frightening

my lord, would it be too much to ask if i wanted to live just a little longer?

the gods must be crazy.

or it could just be me.

hahahaha.

how is it that i'm blogging EVERYDAY? it makes it seems like as if i have somthing to talk about every single day of my life. but i do. hahaha.

okay, maybe half of the time i'm just spouting nonsense. and the other half is simply crap.

and that itsy bitsy tiny fraction of the time, i make just a little sense.

lol.

watched transformers yesterday night. it's the second time i'm watching it and it still rocks. i guess steven spielberg is a really good director. hahaha. i wanna watch the mist. it looks interesting.

had math and chem tuition back to back. 3 and a half hours of lessons on a weekend. damn, my life rocks.

it's a rainy day.

drip drip drip

saturdays are the most 'zou bo' days. i waste all my time either watching the tv or sleeping. and bloody hell, i slept at 11+ yesterday, woke up at 8 and slept again at 1+ to 4. maybe i came from a long ancestry of pigmen and i'm suppose to speak pig.

which reminds me, i do snort like a pig. BAHAHHAHA

that explains why i'm so fat too.

convenient isn't it? pushing the blame to some unknown ancestors and heritage. lol.

but my mum and dad said my face has grown sharper. WOOOOOOO... maybe i'll have a jawline soon. hmmm

i just showed my family the pepsi and prok video. the ghost was as scary as ever. i flinched when i saw the part which says 2 hours later. cringe when the darkness appeared. FLEW up the stairs just as it was about to appear. shut my eyes and ears when it did. and idolized mum and dad cause they were bloody not affected.

they are my new heroes.

im in awe.

.
.
.
.

hahahahaha, but mei screamed like there was no tmr. poor thing. i understand her feelings.

hahaha

its three more days to korea. 18 more days to goodbye.

i'm not going to think about it.

NAZ!!! i MISS YOU!!!

happy bday syaf!!!

it's hard not to be sad. it's really hard.

i admire people who are able to remain unchanged in that raging sea of.. erm, difficult company.

no, it's not that i don't know that there are mads, bengs, lians and minahs around. i just pretend they never existed. i can't imagine associating myself with them, i guess, in some ways, i do seem kind of snobbish and full of airs since i refuse to acknowledge their very existence.

it isn't that i'm a better person or better human, it's just people from outside my world function in such strange and queer mannerisms. and they indulge in acts that just doesn't make any sense to me.

maybe i'm the one that's wierd.

or it could be the fact that i have remained relatively sheltered and pampered throughout all my years. and it appears that my view is so narrowly limited and that i refuse to accept the fact that the world spins in directions more than one.

but i simply don't dig that foul cigarette, that revolting alcohol, that wanton lust, that all too colourful language, that unending greed and the forgotten conscience.

but many do. so maybe i am wierd.

anyway, orchard today. missed gym. but it was okay, because i enjoyed it very much too.

i'm sorry.

clara sent me an extremely meaningful email. thanks clara! but it simplifies things to such a stage, it reminds me of myself when i was younger. and that's saying alot.

lol.

few more days to korea. i'll miss ya guys.

i'll miss celebrating cny with all of you.

i'll miss wed, harry potter day.

i'll miss so many things.

and i keep thinking what if my plane crashes?
and what if i never return?

i mean accidents happen.

what if next mon and tues are my last days.

i think the thought of that is in every aspect of the word, frightening.

hahahaha

somehow humour doesn't make it seem any less scary.

oh, and woe betide the person who made the coke, pork video.

hahahhaha