u can nv predict wad happens in life, bad things, sad things, happi things.... dey happen whenever, wherever and whoever...

ups and downs, high and low, we just hv to face them in de end, and de reason u feel life has treated u unfairly when bad things happen is bcoz u see others enjoyin life, but in truth, its all de same, its just dat, when others suffer, u might not be in de know

hahas, aint dat the awful truth?? and usualli de ppl hu make us suffer are awaez those hu appear to be enjoyin life...

so crappy right? hahas, yea

i guess dis wud be my down time den... but sumhow it feels less bad den b4, not much, but at least its a little better, hahas, is dis calld gettin use to it?? i guess it is... and i cant believe it but im gettin use to pain... gettin use to feelin hurt..

how sad, most ppl live on to find more happiness, while a handful goes on to find more pain... while others get used to recievin all sorts of joy, others learn to deal wif the sufferin

which grp do i belong to? lols, hu noes, i... juz move on...
its lyk walkin in these rly dark tunnel, u cant see which wae is out, which way is wrong and which way is right, so u juz move, u cant stop, coz stopin gets u nowhere, so u move, juz step, step...step.... and pray rly hard, u make it out....

one step at a time, dae by dae... sumhow, sumwhere, i will be able to let go.....

it hurts but i move on [benj]

it was tiring, i was realli tired, my head was in pain, my throat was burning... but in de end i guess it was worth it... i noe it was...

i hold on to smth dat i noe isnt gg to happen, i hold on so tightly, i nv want to let it go, i wudnt even dream of it... it was ok at firz, i told myself, i cud hold on... but as time passes, it seems more and more lyk a impossible dream, one dat no matter how hard i reach...

.....will never be

it felt so nice to hear dem, but sumhw i knew they werent meant for me... and i guess, i nv shud hv persistd in this illogical dream, but since when was i logical? mine whole life has been one dat is most illogical, moz unrealistic, so idealistic... and yet i nv regreted how i lived it

its juz dat sumtimes de most illogical things hurt de most, and its realli hard for me to want to try and move on... i can try, but things will nv be de same, every one changes me frm bad to worst, i lose a part of myself with each misfortune.. how many parts are there left of me to lose?

im sad bcoz my dream is comin to an end, its lyk a alarm, waitin to ring, indicating de end of another illogical part of my life.... i can snooze de alarm as many times as i wan, but it will onli mean a prolonged time of suffering...

its funnie, nth happend, no sad thing, no bad thing or watsoever... dats probably why im feelin dis way, i cant go on wifout knowin, i cant go on wifout an answer, i hv nth more to reassure myself...

a dead end....

it can mean 3 things,

firz, i hv to go back frm whence i came, retrace my steps and hope to find an answer while moving backwards

2nd, i hv to find a wae beyond a dead end, and hope dat wad lies beyond is wad im searching for

3rd, i alr found the answer, its juz dat i cant see it... mayb i no longer hv to move animore, i hv found wad im lookin for

hahas, i dunno which is it, and wad is emant for me, right now, i'll just move, one step at a time, and hope de answer comes to me...

wad now? [benj]

guess wad, im so back into singin now.. and im singin guy songs.. FINALLY!!! lols, practisin my falsetto, and boy isz tuff or wad, my mouth hurts, and so does de area above my stomach... ouch...


okaes here comes de gross part, de part if u all read, will feel lyk vomiting, lols... but here goes aniwae, i was recordin myself on de com to hear how i snd, of coz sing wif de song lahs, so de background got lin jun jie, and my sis is lyk, i cant hear u singin... and i was lyk dats me!!! den she sae, no lahs, dats lin jun jie, i cant hear u, u sing too soft and i was lyk no dats ME!!! den she was lyk HUH!!?? den she sae, u snd lyk lin jun jie, cudnt hear de diff....

okaes, u can vomit now... LOL!!! i dunno lahs, mayb my sis abit short of hearin... hahas, but i dun think i snd too bad in dat song lahs... oh yah, de song is MU NAI YI btw... hahas.. i lyk dat song, its rly nice.. too bad last time i nv hear jj songs...

been xchangin pointers wif loy, after all he got go take part in xiao yuan superstar and he got past de audition lors... so yups, i got a pro to help me hear how i snd.. hees

hahas, thx amanda, xm, sihui and clara for taggin, sry for de late reply... sry for nt updatin too.. thx for takin time off to read my blog, dun vomit too much if u do read dis entry ok? LOL

kaes gtg, muz practise sumore, i muz perfect de song mu nai yi... =))

sING!!!!! [benj]

i hate liars and cheats.. i realli hate them, i thank god i wasnt taken in by them, hahas, lyk a idiot i even made believe such things do happen... ah wells... in ani case, pls do take care not to get cheated.. though i believe none will be as daft as me, but i will still post de two emails i recieve juz as a precautionary measure

the first one i recieve sayin i won a million pounds.. by the coca cola company

THE COCA'COLA COMPANYPROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPTCOCA'COLA AVENUESTAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON.SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOMTHE COCA'COLA COMPANY OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the (8th Oct, 2006) by Coca-Cola in conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won £1,000,000.00 each on the COCA'COLA COMPANY PROMOTION
However the results were released on the 10th Oct, 2006 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2006) and ballot number (BT:12052006/20) The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 29,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet.
However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy. The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.
This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).his lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public. In other to claim your £1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated courier company?
However, you will have to fill the form below and send it to the Promotion manager of THE COCA'COLA COMPANY for verification and then you will be directed to the courier company where a cheque of £1,000,000.00 has already been deposited in your favour.

NAME:.....................................
AGE:........................................
SEX:........................................
ADDRESS:...............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
COMPANY:..............................
COUNTRY:...............................

Please you are advised to complete the form and send it immediately to our Promotion manager through email or fax for prompt collection of your fund from the designated courier company.

(CONTACT PROMOTION MANAGER)
Name: Mr. Martin terrel
Tel:(+44) 7011130525
Te::(+44)-7024066880
E MAIL: promomanager_martinterrel01@yahoo.ca

You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained). *Staff of Coca-Cola and the British American Tobacco Company is not to partake in this Lottery. Accept my hearty congratulations once again! You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained). *Staff of Coca-Cola and the British American Tobacco Company is not to partake in this Lottery.

Accept my hearty congratulations once again!
Yours faithfully,Mr. Kolyn parkins

hahas, i went to chk de coca cola website, seeing how it was too good too be true, though i did genuinely believed it for a moment, yah u can hit me on de head, i Am dat naive.. oh yah, the cola comp ascertained dat this thing is a FAKE..

de 2nd one i recieved was frm de uk lottery

Online British Co-ordinators
Draw date 4/12/2006
Ref: XYL /26510460037/05
Batch: 24/00319/IPD

We happily announce to you the uklottery draw of the Lottery International programs held in the UK on mon 4th december 2006. Your e-mail address was attached to these lucky winning numbers below: 02 15 21 37 43 46 36which subsequently won you the lottery bonus draw.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £1,532,720 (One Million, Five Hundred And Thirty Two Thousand, Seven Hundred And Twenty Pounds Sterling) in cash credited to file file XYL /26510460037/05. This is from a total cash prize of £4,596,411 shared amongst the (3) lucky winners in this category i.e Match 6 plus bonus. To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent;(Mr Brooke Louis).Tel No:+(44) 701-113-2538E-mail : lottclaimsagen3@aim.com

Regards,Mary Martins.Online Co-ordinator.

i chked this one as well, there wasnt a draw on mon, de 4th of dec, went thru de archives, and din find aniting, and draws are onli held on wed and suns... hahas, but i cudnt find an exact copy on de net, which onli means that de tricksters are becomin better...

hahas, so ive learned not to trust this scams, though i wudnt sae juz disbelieve wad u see immediately, sumtimes we juz get plain lucky, so no harm ba, juz giv it a chk on de net, and look for similar stuff, spot errors in de mail, whether lang wise or wateva... DUN CALL DE CONTACT NO. PROVIDED!!! and if there isnt anithin wrong, den u juz became a overnight millionaire, sumtimes ppl juz get plain lucky... hahas

seriousli i dunno y im usin formal lang to type this post, sumthings wrong wif me man, i snd wierd lahs... lols.. niwae, dun get cheated hors, but i noe no one is as stupid as me to go and believe de lah... ah wells... i am super naive.. whether dats good or bad, remains to be seen...

CHEATS!!! eat SHIT AND DIE!!! [benj]

de daes are realli flyin past nwadays... while my nights extend furthur and furthur into de night... lols.. its a daily routine for me to fall aslp onli after 4am in de morn and wake up onli after 1pm in de afternn... how horrible..

lols, hahas, i guess in de night is de time when im alone, while everyone is aslp, i hv de whole house to myself, and i will start thinkin.. hahas, think abt wad? dunno, mostly abt dat person i guess, and de rest.. "is there any leftovers in de fridge?" LOL

sumtimes, i wud just make myself desert, sum ice cold lychee drink, too bad i cant use de blender.. or if not i wud make a chilled milk tea, sumtimes it wud be choc and vanilla milk mixed, other times, it wud be maggi mee i guess.. hahas, i hope i dun get too fat..

other stuff i do besides makin desert and thinkin, hmms.. sittin in front of de com playin games i guess... dun i juz snd geeky... wheres my outdoor life man... and den, sumtimes i get tired of fightin mons, i sing.. and i sing as loudly as i wan.. lols.. i forget everyone is slpin..

den singin will make me go bck to thinkin... lols.. hahas, sumtimes i even record myself to make sure im using de correct tone and key... sumtimes i experiment wif diff voices, i guess i mean diff octaves lah..

till now i still cant sing guy songs as in songs sung by guys... i will either go horribly high pitched till i become breathless [jesse mccartney] or too low until i snd lyk a toad [boyzone] lols.. why arhs? i dun hv probs when im singin songs sang by gals..

but its nt dat i hv a high pitch, ciara has a low voice too, and i can sing it okae, beyonce voice isnt exactly high pitched and i can sing it too.. hahas dunno lahs.. i juz cant find my own unique voice, im awaez tryin to mimic de singers... hahas...

i noe dis may snd horribly dumb and ridiculous of me, but i think i wanna try takin part in sg idol... okaes u can laugh now... i dun mind.. hahas, i guess i shudnt dream right? ah wells..

i wonder if ure thinkin of me now...

juz sum random stuff [benj]

"i dun undst why im hurtin so much, i guess its becoz i nv now wad ure feelin, i nv noe if im in ur mind, and i will nv noe if u rly care...

and its because u nv show it to me... why do i bother gettin so upset? why do i rush home everydae juz waitin for u... why shud i think of u, why shud i care?

i feel stupid, i feel lyk im juz dreamin so much so im in a state where im startin to distort de facts frm fantasy.. i can no longer fool myself into believin dat u care... i dun want to animore, i dun want to go to bed every night feelin sorri for myself..

i find my happinesss in u, but i guess u dun, mayb im not dat impt after all...

and if u find dat im being difficult and problematic, i'll tell u, its because i think too much of u, and u will nv undst how it feels to juz wait endlessly, juz waitin until its impossible to get smth...

i hurt so much not coz i think too much, but coz i think of u too much... and if u dun undst dat. den u nv knew me at all, i wud giv all i hv for time wif u, but wadeva time u give me is but spare, leftover pockets of time dat u feel u hv nth better to do...

but yet in my heart i noe this will go on forever... and its onli because r ivzoob olev blf...."

i hope dat anyone hu reads this, will respect dat i may nt want to talk about it, and dat if u hv questions u feel u rly nd to ask, plz do, but plz allow me to decide whether i will answer dem.. thx

r gslftsg f xzivw [benj]

hahas, kinda fell in love wif this song since sum of de lyrics realli can express how i feel...

Liang Shan Bo Yu Zhu Li Ye

and i realise de lyrics cnt be published -_- phish...
ah wells.. it means........................................................

hahas... niwae the song itself is nice too... =)

i feel lyk gg out more... haiz, im gettin so bored at home... theres juz nth to do!!! i want out!!! if not i wiLL die frm boredom!!!! HELP!!! funni why i feel dis way, considerin i juz came home frm my cls chalet... hahas

i wanna go out and teach tuition lehs... if theres anione hu noes where i can find students, plz lemme noe... it beats stayin at home doing nth... wait.. is my standard gd enuff? hahas, mayb better not, scarly i cause them to do badly...

liking sumone isnt awaez happi, since im nt de onli one hu feels dis wae... i guess dat statement stands true.. hahas, its lyk almoz every moment u think of dat person, and u wonder if dat person is doing de same.. hahas..

i believe in chinese, we call this siang si bing... lols..

i still rmb de time u leaned on me,
i felt comfort and warmth.
being with u, is more den i can eva asked for

guess wad? two posts on de same dae.. coz i realize i din blog abt the chalet.. lols.. well i think its due to the OVERWHLEMING EXHAUSTION lol!!! heys.. kdkd.. but was tired lah... fell aslp in front of de come.. YAY me.. lols

hahas, but b4 chalet, went to lot one to eat wif loy firz.. we ate kfc, i realized i eat veri little recentli.. i cudnt even finish de shrooms burgur and my drinks... lyk wth lah

den we go kia kia arnd, seriousli, there is nth to do at lot one other den gg to kbox, which i shall do so sumdae!!! i dun care!! and loy u are so gg wif me!!! okaes yah.. lols.. den we decided it was retarded to walk arnd a building so many times... so i went to loys house..

we sang sum songs, i despised his tuition teacher, and decided i wud do a better job.. LOL!!! im mean but i dun care, dat old hag deserves it... LOL!! and seriousli loy does look lyk edison chen frm a certain angle in his photo... so look alike lah!!! ScaREE.. lols.. oh equalli zhuai too.. dao i mean.. LOL!!

din spend too long a time there, ah wells nxt time den.. den i headed to gombak to meet up wif amanda, angeline and taikoon... erms i was late.. but its nt my fault!! ok mayb i t was abit my fault.. hahas.. but we had sum extra terrestrial being hu wanted to hitch a ride..

realised E.T lied to me... i dun lyk E.T... his head is too big, his neck is too long and his eyes looks more lyk toilet bowls... ahh wells.. u get de idea.. den met wif shitien, cheryl, ade and shipei..

den we went to pasir ris.. i toked wif tk in de train along de wae.. he had food poisonin due to extraordinary amts of steamboat being consumed, so he was a lil ill... i kept askin whether he ok not.. lyk so naggy lyk dat... HAHAHAS..

when we reached, we felt E.T lie again.. hmms.. not sure lah.. den davin came and we left for costa sands.. upon arrival at de bustop (plz produce ur departure tickets, lols) we took a grp photo!! so cool yah?

kaes lets jump to de cycling part... we went cycling, and all went doubles!!! cheaper lah... cept shipei, coz angeline was blading... yups, den we cycle arnd.. tk had probs wif controllin de bike.. dun blame him at all.. its tuff lors.. so i took over..

not dat i did better lah... in fact i hai tk kena serious injury... so i realised he had to sit in de front.. lols.. u dun wanna noe wad serious injury it is...we played at swings... mounted an expedition up a slide wif angelines skates to take a photo... took more photos... oh WAIT!!! dat aunties hand muz hv been lyk my osim massage chair... coz de picture was vibrating too.. so everybody looks lyk dey juz came out frm de washin machine... -.- LOL!!!

and den we continued cycling... i and tk lost our way... but lucky we did, coz we found a nice beach spot... hahas.. im a good luck charm lors... (lyk real) lols.. den we made a heart and placed all the 8 of our initials inside den we take photo wif de heart carved in de sand.. IT WAS SPLENDID!!! oH YAH!!! i fnd gandalfs staff "U SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!" LOL!!!!!

den we cycle back liao lor.. coz de bbq had started... de food was delicious... shunda was a great satay chef... i hv to giv him credit where its due lah... it was realli nice... if onli his sweat din drip on it all de time, i wud hv ate more... LOL!!!

de chicken wings were marinated wif a realli nice sauce... tasted lyk char siew sauce... lols... it was sweet and savoury... yums.. there were hotdogs too, though i suspect de table add more den de ppl did... and these wierd red and whit stuff dat tasted strangly lyk tissue paper.......................................okok im kd.. its crabstick lah!! LOL!!!

we played card games, talk trash, played ice man, virus and concentration... and we went shoppin ate sumore and played sumore.. but i cud onli tahan till 5... my hand felt lyk it was dislocated... my ankle felt lyk a pigs trotter... so i went to slp...

slp for an hr plus... den woke up.. played more cards wif sihui, june, shipei, peng tiong, fangyi... made more corny jokes... laugh sumore... talk rubbish sumore...

den abt there le lah... i went home, din join dem at escape.. my mum... obviousli... ahh wells.. at least i had a great time de previous dae and night... its enuff for me... realli wanna thank my reall good good frens... for such a wonderful and memorable time..
my all time buds: adeline, amanda, angeline, cheryl koh, clara, shitien, sihui and taikoon... hahas.
all de rest of my great freinds hu did so much and i nv realli got de chance to thank them(in no order): alicia, simeng, peng tiong, xueming, fangyi, cheryl choy, reuben, weibin, mabel, june, shipei, shunda, huishin, hope i din miss anione out...

hahas, im realli gonna miss all u guys.. its been so much fun... haiz.. wells.. its lyk dat de.. but lyk i told amanda, its never gdbye.. coz i will awaez hv u all in my heart and we wILL stay in contact.. yea.. stay cool ppl!!! ROCK ON 4/3!!!!

hahas.. thx my lord for such a wonderful time...

of chalets and all my wonderful buds [benj]

hv u eva had this feelin dat u realli wanna sae something.. u realli realli realli want it... but u juz cant... well i do... and well it realli kinda sucks... i want so much to sae it.. but i juz cant... i guess i can onli express it in songs den...

hahas.. so wad song den... nah im not gonna put it up.. im gonna sing it, and whether de song is understood... i can onli leave it up to god... hahas..

till now, im not realli sure if i sing well not.. hahas, sum ppl sae i do... others... hmms.. some nv hear me sing b4, some say it sux... some ppl nv sae anithin... lols... so im not rly sure...

ppl hu say i sing well:
my sis does.. someone's mum does too.. my dad said it in a sarcastic way(is dat gd or bad den?), someone does

ppl hu sae i dun:
ck.... lols..

ppl hu din sae anithin:
my mum... (she hates singin careers, think she doesnt wanna encourage me.. >.<), sihui, xm, clara, hazel, hu din sae anithin other den "okae lah" -_-

ppl hu nv hear me b4:
de whole world?? LOL..

but i realli lyk singin... its nt de stardom and de popularity.. okaes.. mayb abit.. but nah, de more impt one is dat, some songs realli juz express ur innermost thoughts in melodious, upbeat, funky, balladic(there such a wrd? hahas, my invention) ways

and when u sing it out, its lyk expressin ur tots and u hear it in a manner lyk no other too, while enjoyin de sounds, u feel de hmms... de truth? behind de songs? hahas, nt sure how to describe..

songs does other stuff too!!!, sum songs make u think back... even if it makes u cry... lols... sum songs make u think of de present... while others speak abit of a future dat u wan.. hahas.. kinda cool

of coz, bottomline, u hv to hv a good voice to go with it, a good sense of rhythm, NOT tone deaf, de basic techniques, lotsa practice and genuine feeling... to sing a song well..
its nt dat not everybdy can sing though.. evrybody CAN sing, whether it snds nice or not, its a totalli diff matter... hahas

me?? i dunno.. nt sure.. dun care...(lyk real) lols.. but i do lyk singin.. even if i cant sing well, i will sing it when nbdys arnd... lols.. but if i can sing well... i wanna be a lounge singer den!!! LOL!!!!

muz come peng my chang okae??? LOL!!!!! i tok lyk as if i got a good voice... -.- HAHAS

of song, feelings and hidden meanings [benj]

HEARTBREAK LULLABY

In the still of the night,
I can almost feel you lying next to me,
Like it used to be,
And its hard to let go,
When there's always something there reminding me,
How things could be,

I've tried to get you off my mind,
I've tried to play my part,
But everytime I close my eyes,
You're still inside my heart,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,

Like the stars in the sky,
You still keep on shining down you're light on me,
But out of reach,And I know that in time,
You will come back to your senses,
See the signs,
And change your mind,

I try to look the other way,
And keep my heart on hold,
But everytime I'm close to you,
I lose my self-control,

Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,

Why can't I laugh?
Why must i cry?
Give me just one good reason why..
Why does it rain
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,[CHORUS x2]

i guess most of my feelings are in this song..
too bad its a sad song..
im still cryin.. i juz have to..
f*** it..

i wud trade all i hv, to go back and live in de past

ive hit yet another rough patch in my life.. and it seems to be the tuffest yet...

in de past, no matter how hard it wud hurt, i wud cry but wifout the sniffing and real sobbing, it wud just be tears rolling dwn my face... but now, its real cryin.. and it realli sucks.. sumtimes my eyes hurt..

i dun rly undst wad happend.. nor am i realli sure of de reason why.. but i seem to think things have change alot.. and i feel its bcoz i expect too much.. i think dats de reason why im so upset now...

why do i expect so much den? i do not noe why too.. and i cant juz lower my expectations.. bcoz den i wud giv differently too.. theres awaez sumone hu has to give more.. am i de one givin more, or am i just foolin myself?

im sad..

tried singin to forget... sang until i became breathless.. and it still didnt work... and god realli played a cruel joke on me... even while outside, i had to hear de song u sang.. and de lyrics were lyk... mocking me.. hahas, i almoz cried out at dinner.. lucky i din.. or my parents wud hv freaked

soon, i will numb myself to escape frm de pain.. and den i will feel nth.. not happi, but not sad, no joy, but no pain too.. wad a wierd body system..

hahas, fallin sick too.. breakin out in cold sweat and getting flashes of hot or cold...

hahas.. dun i juz love myself..

i rmb how we use to enjoy de time we spent laughin, joking, talking, playin... and it hurts me more den ever to see wad we hv now.. silence, emptiness, forced laughter...

mayb its becoz i .................. dats why it hurts so much

god help me [benj]

so long since i last blogged.. shud resume soon.. lols.. been playin too much.. totalli forgot abt bloggin.. ahahahs..

shall upload photos of prom de nxt time.. im so damn lazy.. lols..

i feel smth in my heart.. its a strange feeling.. lols.. nv felt lyk this for a veri long time le.. shall not sae wad it is.. ahahas.. but hais... it may be good may be bad..

crappy.. ah wells.. lifes lyk dat..

lalala lalalalala i just cant get U out of my head (kylie minogue) heard shes doing well.. lols..

loves!!! [benj]

ps.. i reserve de rights to not explain anithin i hv said here.. bleah ;)o

hahas.. notice my life is realli different now.. its so much more interesting den how i used to be.. i finalli feel lyk a teenager man.. rather den a homesick sicko.. lols.. i rmb i nv use to go out.. and everytime i plan to go out, smth wud crop up and in de end it wun happen

now is lyk so different!! i even sneak out of de house juz to go out!! yah its a bad and naughty thing to do.. lols.. did i sae naughty?? snds wierd.. lols.. but yah.. been sneakin out.. twice.. and twice is juz b4 de olvl exams.. LOl!!!

bleah not lyk i care aniwae.. i juz wanna go out and hv FUN!!! esp wif loy!!! lols.. i hv to make up for all de lost time.. all de time i was nth but a dull boy.. LOL!! yea.. i juz so love life now.. dis sat gg to orchard.. FUNFUNFUNFUN!!!!

went to causeway pt todae.. it was BIG, but den nth much lors... timezone was nice.. play table hockey wif loy.. i lost.. hahas.. we walked de entire shoppin centre in bout 1 hr and a half.. lyk there wasnt realli much to see la.. but we stil crap and joke alot.. so every min was juz plain fun..
enjoyed it so mucH!! hahas.. bet this sat will be even better!!

i think im probably gg to go out lyk every 3 daes once during de hols.. not dat im gonna spend much ba.. juz go out and hang.. woots.. seek out hangin partners and juz HANG.. LOlS! of coz my bez bud wud nv be forgotten!! hahas...

i love nokia 5300.. so shiok lahs!! 1.5k songs.. lyk wth.. im so gonna get it for my bdae nxt yr!!! loy wants it too!! but muz save 138 bucks.. nt ez lors.. hahas.. i muz hlp too!! i sponsor 38 bucks!! LOL!!! but u gonna hv to find de other 100 urself hors.. unless i strike 4d, den i buy for u.. LOL!!

two more daes till de Os are over.. 3 more daes to orchard.. juz cant wait.. ever heard of a full time slacker/outdoorholic? ME! ME !! LOL!!..

この生命を賭けて護りたい愛に出逢い!!! [benj]

when u feel cheated and used.. wad wud u do?? not sure.. but i bet it wun be anitin nice.. hais.. when u expect sumone, or rather u tot sumone was a good person, wif integrity and kindness, warmth and sincerity.. but in de end this person turns out to be a crook, sumone wif no conscience, no heart, no compassion.. hu thinks only about oneself..

it sux doesnt it? esp when u tot u can trust this person, esp when u once treated this person as one of ur closest fren.. but in de end, amounts to nth more than a lowlife.. wad are u suppose to do den? when u feel angry and hurt, but u juz dun wan to see dat he degrades ani furthur...

but then u feel dat u dun wan to do anithing, coz u hv ppl hu are worth more attention, worth more time.. worthy of more kindness and effort.. lols.. im realli creatin my own headaches.. wad shud u do then?? help? or juz ignore..?

i dun want to waste my time on ppl hu doesnt appreciate, treat me lyk trash, why shud i? but i cant just let myself see them slip into a road of no return.. wad shud i do wad shud i do?? >.<

ahh heck lahs.. juz wait for the solution to come to me eventualli..

i hate fakers and hypocrites. i hate thieves and liars.. i hate ppl hu doesnt give two hoots how other ppl feel.. i hate myself for hatin ppl.. lols.. i realli do.. but im realli onli human after all.. i hv feelins too..

hahas.. loves!! [ benj]

four more daes of olvls.. 7 more daes to extreme fun.. 2 more daes to causeway? 12 more daes to Prom.. 14 more daes to a shoppin spree in thailand. so many countdowns.. so little time.. LOL!!! juz cant wait for these daes.. ExCitEd

ahhs.. life is nice for me now.. i feel nice and happi.. do so love it.. well its hardly a surprse considering i hv so many wonderful things.. and i do so love them.. LOLs..

aiya todae sumthing bad happend i guess.. kinda lyk a misunderstanding, which lead to temperatures rising and angry words to come out.. but it was settled lah in de end.. which is good .. coz i think things turned out even better.. hees.. dun count ur disasters till they happen

i fell in love with dis SUPER NICE SHIOK LOOKING shirt in lot 1's man studio.. OMG LAHS!!!! i WANT!!!! but i dun noe how expensive it is though.. but iw as hopin to get it b4 nxt sat, den i can wear to orchard.. its FREAKIN NICE LORS!!! i MUZ have it.. hahas

oh yah, saw it coz on fri went wif loy to lot 1 to eat lunch, emath start at 2.30 mah.. so go eat b4 dat lors.. den after we ate kfc.. laugh at sum ugly hairstyle, we left to walk around.. i DO thing lot 1 is boring.. dere was hardly anithin to do...
oh yah!!! there was this freakin nice bag there lah!! lyk so fell in love wif it.. BIG time.. not as much as the shirt.. but its was freakin nice too... den went to LEVIs to chk out de jeans.. nth special
den saw converse.. loy fell in love wif a..... BASKETBALL.. -.- LOL!! yah, he said de ball was freakin nice.. hmms.. if u ask me.. its juz 4/3(pie)(r)cube LOL!!! nth special...
went to look at shoes.. and at giordano, there was this shoe dat look exactly lyk mine.. i was lyk.. wth lah... considering de shoe was frm bodyglove.. Copeecats.. lols
it was fun lors.. though nth much to do.. lols.. cant wait till de nxt time.. hahas

so far the Os has been okae lah.. hope will get better.. kae ppl.. juz chiong abit mor.. den plan ur fun and GO CRAZEE!!!! keep cool and good lUCKS!!!

loves!!! [benj]

wahs.. time passes so fast.. so so so fast.. u might not believe it but now im onli left wif amath, chem, emath and hist.. and of which 2 i dun hv to study, one i onli nd to juz read thru and only de last is a study subj.. wahs.. i feel so free alr lors.. so so free...

im gonna be so sastisfied wif my life bcoz i hv so many great ppl arnd me!!! of my my best bud has been.. well DE BEZ!!! lols!!! and my other frens as well.. they rock too! hahas.. im so gonna look forward to nxt sat.. im GOIN ORCHARD AND GO CRAZY!!! hahas.. yea..
firz i shall go HMV.. chk out de latest music craze... woots!!
nxt is off to cineleisure for lunch and a wild time at de arcade!!
den is off to walk around.. mayb we cud go to takashimaya to chk out de ex clothes den can onli see cnt buy... =((
den.. hmms... walk sumore lors.. mayb go eat ice cream... OOOooooOOO... den after dat mayb PARAGORN.. erm to gawk and de stuff?? LOL!!!!
LOL!!! i dun care lahs.. all i noe im gonna hv so much FUN!!!

tmr is emath paper 2.. shud be fine la... mayb juz chk out a few forms and read thru shearing and stretchin.. yupsyups... den prob spend hours tokin on de phone again... LOL!!! i seriousli lyk obasan man.. BLEAH!!! too bad.. ahahas

i cant believe i can finally sae dis.. olvls gg to end le.. DUN STUDY SO HARD!!!! plan ur fun now man... it makes studyin so much less painful lahs!! WHEEeee... hahas.. i lyk slacker lyk dat.. but im not lors.. is juz dat chem and amath i rly prepare alot alr lors..

my lord.. u hv no idea how much u hlped me... not one time did u not answer my prayer.. thank u so so so much...

i have my bez fren, my great frens, a great god, a good family... i guess it shud be enuff.. =))

loves!!!!! [benj]

oh man... its been such a long time since i last blogged.. guess ive kinda been bz.. either wif studyin or chattin online.. it cud be playin too.. but hahas.. yea.. juz din take time out for bloggin..

but i wanna blog about wad i cud sae is de most happy or de most wonderful ting dat ever happend to me b4 lahs... i found a best fren.. and sumone hu treats me not lyk trash nor use me lyk im sum kind of toy... i nv felt so blessed b4

b4 this, i guess i cud sae i made 2 realli big mistakes.. i place my trust in de wrong people, did things dat i shudnt have to do.. wasted my time feelin sad and upset.. and end up feelin lyk ive been sorely used and den thrown away.. but im over dat now..

im realli glad i found a best fren sumone hu i can juz go crazy wif.. crap about everything under de sun.. laugh so much dat my stomach hurts.. even singing!! den invite over to my house to hv more fun.. LOL!! this are de things dat make me feel lyk im de luckiest person on earth

when sumone tells u dat they will be frens wif u 4eva.. its de best present dat u can eva recieve.. esp when it doesnt come wif bears made out of commas and fullstops.. and swt words.. but sincere, real life words... words dat arent done out of convenience but wif real feelings

when sumone tells u dat ure de best fren and bud they eva have.. its also de best present u can eva recieve... esp when it comes wif EXCLAIMATION MARKS!!! LOL!!! its even better den winning big sweep lors.. den u juz sit and umchio!!! LOL!!! yes it snds extremeli ridiculous but dats wad i did aniwae.. LOL!!!!

its realli times lyk this when u feel nth in de world can go wrong.. and esp when u can tell urself dat all dat u did was not for nth.. and dat when u sincereli care for ur frens, dey will give u back de same treatment...

hahas... till now im still in disbelief.. from how nice it feels to be so appreciated.. to be treated as sumone impt... and esp when de person saes it out.. its been a long time since i eva felt this way..
rly rly long time.. but its worth de wait.. realli realli worth it...

i hv no doubts now about a lasting frenship btw two best buds.. i wun doubt animore lyk b4.. hahas.. i may hv met ppl hu hurt me, hu treat me lyk crap, and take advantage of me.. but i hv even more ppl hu cared for me and are my frens hu wud nv hurt me...
my clsmates, esp de prom ppl im gg wif... hu i share de most laughs and joy wif..
angeline, amanda hu i awaez go back home wif and took so many photos together
yj, benja, weiling hu have been realli great frens durin my times in 4.1
and then theres those hu are not in my skool like ziq, ck(hu i tell my stories to) and terin hu helped me even when she nded hlp herself, huan min, my dear mei hu awaez smiles and my cuz, val, hu i made rly good frens wif again
and then theres de lord... hu wud i have none of these if it wasnt for him
and de last person, but definately not the least, aloysius!! hahas.. hu gave me de happiest times of my life and made me believe in frens again.. de culprit guilty of de above actions.. LOL!!! thankew so much!!! and lyk u said, frens 4eva means FRENS 4EVA!!!! and bez frens at dat!! =))

im truely happi wif wad i hv.. and i shall no longer live in de darkness of my past and forget de pain i once went thru.. i wun deny there will be more times when i might be hurt by others again or by myself.. but as long as i hv all my great buds and my greatest pal, i noe i will make it..
i promise myself dat..

[all my life] by K-Ci and Jojo
I will never find another luva sweeta than you,
Sweeta than you
And I will never find anutha luva more precious than you
More precious than you
Girl you are
Close to me you're like my mother
Close to me you're like my father
Close to me you're like my sister
Close to me you're like my brutha
You are the only one my everything and for you this song I sing

And all my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

I said you're all that I'm thinkin' of.....baby

Said, I promise to never fall in love with a stranger
You're all I'm thinkin' of, I praise the Lord above
For sending me your love, I cherish every hug
I really love you

And all my life, baby, baby, I've prayed for someone like you,
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you, baby
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me
You're all that I ever known

When you smile, on my face, all I see is a glow
You turned my life around
You picked me up when I was down
You're all that I ever known
When you smile on your face all I see is a glow
You picked me up when I was down
You're all that I ever known
When you smile on your face all I see is a glow
You picked me up when I was down
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes I pray that you do love me too

All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life I've prayed for someone like you
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

realli glad i have my great buds and my greatest pal!!! loves!!![benj]

the olvls are comin.. its so scary!!! gettin realli stressed and nervous.. omgomgomgomg.. nvm nvm.. muz relax.. too stress will malu one.. everybody jiayous!!!

todae.. i went to lyk buy a new digital cam!!!! its super nice lor!!! the price was sky high as well... it cost about 500 bucks... damn hell expensive.. but at least now, i can take all de pictures in de world whenever i want... and i can go photoshooting lyk siao during PROM.. everybody will be lyk so shuai and pretty.. can take all de nice photos!! WHEEEE!!!!
can take photos wif all my frens also!!! AHHHHs!!!! [goes crazy] lols, den can post them on de blog for everybody to see!!! whee!!! hahas..

recent songs dat caught my attention
-chemicals react by aly and aj
-collapsed by aly and aj
-come back to me by vanessa hudgens
-let go by vanessa hudgens
-play with fire by hilary duff
-touch of my hand by britney spears
-left outside alone by anastacia
these songs rock!! lols... go try them out.. hahas..

i tried puttin myself in dat persons shoe and imagine havin de person i love miles and miles away for years... well, it realli made me feel realli sad... so yah i prayed for dat person lors.. coz it was realli so sad... i hope that persons pain ends soon.. my lord, bless dat person.. though i dun realli like dat person.. but all de same.. i dun lyk to see anione in pain...

sang songs on de fone wif loy again.. lols.. not much though.. though i hv to sae my shifu is realli startin to become super pro... super super pro... smooth and pitch near perfect.. nds to work abit on falsetto but woots.. rocks big time!! u go loy! lols.. im sure u'll cut ur own album one dae..

talk wif ziq yest.. told him sum stuff which im actualli not suppose to sae.. but i realli felt i had to sae it out or i might explode.. but thx for listenin.. i dun feel so breathless now.. thankew ziq!!

im realli lookin forward to prom, so we can hv more fun again.. can play more finger guessin.. make more silly jokes, tell more stories.. lols!! but the Os are not even over yet.. but its not wrong to look forward to it wad.. hahas..

my lord, the haze is realli veri irritatin.. if its possible can u get rid of it... its realli irkin everybody and its seriously not healthy... thankew!!! loves ya!!

loves!!! [benj]

yum yum yum fun fun fun... ahahas.. im tokin about my lunch todae!! lols... todae muz go skool for chem remedial.. yes it was boring and dreary... but i gained alot from it too.. QA seems so simplified now.. thx ms lim!!

den after chem, i went to lot one to eat lunch wif adeline, amanda, angeline, cheryl choy/koh, jasmine, june, mabel, peng tiong, sihui. den we took 188 to lot one, it was damn cool lahs, de 11 of us practically filled de back of de bus, and den we play finger guessin.. so fun!! lols.. we made alot of noise lors..

den when we reached lot 1, we went to eat at LJS.. den me, sihui, cheryl and adeline share one family feast.. about 20 bucks.. so each person 5 bucks.. wah it was realli worth it lahs.. got so much >.< damn full lors... cheryl was lyk a wolf, she wolfed everything down.. lOL!!but in de end its ade hu ate de most.. lols!! she ate sihuis chicken as well lahs.. i guess skinny ppl eat more..

den after eatin, we had another game.. wah laos.. i suck at it lah.. it was either de beat dat was wrong or i stone.. NOT FAIR!!! so yea i lost and did de forfeit of finishin de grape in lyk one breath.. lols.. then after eatin the rez of them went to PJC.. its not fair lahs.. i cudnt go.. so i went home lah..

oh yah!! smth so wierd happen todae... so so wierd.. hahas.. but im not gonna talk about it.. but it just goes to show that my theory of how sum ppl approach u onli when they nd hlp.. other den dat.. they juz treat u as non exsistent.. its kinda despicable if u ask me.. BUT ANIWAE.. its nt in me to turn down anione dat comes to me for help.. well i gave u almoz everythin i had once, u threw it away.. so too bad lors..

hahas.. yest i talked to loy on de phone, he snd sad .. but he din wanna tok about it.. okae nvm.. but we sing sumore song, my shifu is becomin more pro and smooth in his singin lahs!!! so cool!!! and hes realli mor cut out to sing eng song.. so nICE!!!! lols niwaes i enjoyed talkin v much.. lalala.. hahas

todae and yest night was so great, i rly had so much fun wif ALL MY FRENS.. thanks so much!!! ive never been so happi in such a long time le... buti rly enjoyed all my frens company veri much, so thanks adeline, amanda, angeline, cheryl choy/koh, jasmine, june, mabel, peng tiong and sihui!! for de GREAT AND FUNFILLED lunch.. hahas.. thx aloy for singin and talkin on de phone wif me!!! WHEE!!!! i feel so blessed... lols, my lord, thx so much...

loves and happiness!!! [benj]

ive never ask myself this, but why love ppl hu do nth but continue to disappoint and upset u?? why give all of urself away when de ppl u love treats u lyk dirt? why cheapen urself to such a pathetic state? why degrade urself to such a low pitiful form dat ppl think ure a despo?? i dunno, i realli dunno, is it realli bcoz we need them? isz realli becoz we will not be happi wifout dem??

i realli dunno de answer, i guess de onli reason i do such things is bcoz there is sumone hu does de same for me, the lord loves me no matter wad, even when i sin, even when i defy him, even when i disobey him... even when i dun love him, he still loves me all de same...

dats why i want to be de same, i want to be lyk de lord, i want to love so unconditionally and noblely, but such strength is realli beyond me, foolishly i still think of myself when i love ppl, i can nv cast myself away fully enuff..

in de end, i come to nearly regret de things ive done, bcoz it juz hurts so much.. and u question urself wad uve done wrong, and u find nth, and u ask why u hv to go thru all dis crap for ppl hu appears to nt give a damn..

i tried pushin all de blame on myself, i blame myself when bad things happen.. but wads the use?? it doesnt help, u juz continue to cheapen urself... and u continue to drown in sorrow... in de ned, it juz hurts so much, ur heart dies..

my heart died once b4, i feel it may die again... but yet at de same time, my eyes hv opend to see more ppl hu i shud cherish.. i have so much fun wif them, i feel so free wif them, thank u so much... but i dun noe wad to do now, i dun want my heart to die, but it will sooner or later, i can hold on to it stubbornly.. i wan to, but im juz afraid i might fall apart..

my lord, i want to be lyk u, i want to love as u do.. but i draw my strength not from myself... and if my source isnt there, where else can i draw it from??

loves [benj]

olvl bio prac todae.. scru it lah.. i think i might flunk it lors... there was dis totalli random qs which i totalli blanked.. ah wells.. hu cares, its over.. good luck everybody hu took it!!

im feelin much better now.. becoz i finalli realized dat i accomplished wad i wanted, i got wad i wanted, why shudnt i be happi?? hahas, i was given a chance to love my frens and given a chance to do smth for them.. why shudnt i be happi?? isnt it wad i awaez wanted??

it took me long enuff to realize dat happiness will never be mine, i can nv go bck to b4, can nv experience dat sort of calm and pure joy i once possessed.. and de farnie thing is dat i actualli gave up my happiness to sumone hu totalli din appreciate it.. ahh wells.. i dun regret wad i did.. but i wish i still had dat sort of happiness.. u dunno how it feels man, to totalli nt feel anger at all.. to feel so calm dat it brings about a calmin effect to others as well... waaa i wish i stil had dat gift.. but nvm.. its gone..

im a little lost now though... its lyk my sense of direction is gone now.. which way am i suppose to go? wad am i suppose to do? so wad if my olvls are here.. it may be a impt part of my life.. but its not de most impt.. but i dun hv anithin to do for others now.. ohh wells.. mayb i cud think of myself for a change.. think about wad i wan, think about how to make myself happi.. NO WAY!!! DATS DISGUSTING!!! lolss

well im juz gonna keep moving forward aniwae.. i might find a new purpose soon.. =)

loves!! [benj]

hahas.. i realli shud label myself a nutter.. well i guess i do becom a lil bit crazy once in a while.. but in any case, i shud embrace the pain dat im facing now.. ahahas.. now heres de deal.. ive awaez found myself really attached to ppl hu treat me well, i feel i realli want dem to be happi, de more sumone treats me well, de more i want to treat them even better, its awaez been lyk dat..

i wanna mention 4 ppl hu realli treated me well, or more lyk was there when i realli needed ppl... firz it has awaez been aloysius hu has been unknowingly or knowingly helpin me by makin me laugh and forget my probs.. i feel realli at ease and lyk i dun hv to worri about anithin at all.. it may seem realli silly, but to me, when i juz feel i wanna give up, he's de one hu awaez manages to make me giv up totalli..
den i have fabian hu once called de moment i told ck dat i was in depression, he immediately called to ask how i was and he told me dat if i have any problems, i cud go look for him.. it was at dat moment when i felt lyk ive been so blessed.. it made me feel realli touched.. and i felt dat its a miracle to get to noe him as a fren..
den i have terin hu although had tons of problems of her own, called to show concern, and though she was feelin so down and maybe even crying over her probs, she stilled had the strength to let me noe dat if i had ani probs, i cud awaez look for her.. she gave me support and encouragement even when she herself was sufferin.. i felt so warmed by her actions..
den i have ck, whose presence was awaez there, always caring and always faithful to de frenship, hu awaez made me feel lyk i mattered...

so these are de four hu have been most kind to me, moz wonderful and moz precious to me.. but it seems dat im not de onli one wif problems and sadness to deal with... dey each had their own problem and devastation to face.. esp terin and fabian... i felt so helpless everytime dey called me to tell me their probs.. i felt so useless, i want to giv them de feelin that dey gave me.. but i felt i cudnt, and i cudnt take away their pain as well.. and aloysius as well, but im not sayin anithin.. i realli wanted to help them... but im after all onli human.. there is so little i can do..

de firz time fabian came to me wif his prob, i alr felt so helpless.. i cudnt do anithin to ease de pain.. to see sumone suffer and not be able to do anithin about me realli tore me apart.. i had no other way but to exchange sumting of my own once again.. i traded the most precious thing i had in return dat the lord took away his pain.. but in de end, i backed out.. i wasnt suppose to, but i did..

followin dat, terin also told me about her probs.. i cudnt do anithin as well.. de same exact scenario, de same feelings.. and den i also found more pain in sumone else.. sumting no matter how hard can nv be erased..

wad can i do?? i din want to see 3 of my moz precious frens suffer animore.. i realli din wan dat.. but wad can i do?? i no longer had anithin to give up or trade. yes i noe de lord doesnt answer prayers onli when i trade things.. but im doing it to show de lord dat it realli matters to me.. but i realli had nth else.. other den my life.. which is totalli useless.. so i decided to take instead.. i asked the lord to take wadeva pain dat they had and will have to put it on me instead, and as long as they were happi, i will not find happiness for myself...

yea, so i wud guess de onli reason why im sufferin now is bcoz de lord has answered my prayer... those hu read this and find dat im talkin crap, ure so utterli wrong! de lord does answer prayers, and he has answered every single one i prayed whether u believe it or not.. to those hu dun believe, u will nv feel ur prayers hv been answered, coz ure so blind to even notice it..

i realli feel lyk my life has no meanin, has no purpose, wad more can i giv? wad more can i do? i drown myself in sadness refusin to even try to smile.. i hated everything dat i had done.. i feel stupid and used.. i feel dat wad i did wasnt even appreciated.. i even felt hated..
but it finally dawned on me, i love my frens, and lovin means givin up wifout hesitation, nth about me matters, i onli want the ppl i love to be happi.. yes i finally understand, to have the people i love, be happi is alr wad ive set out to achieve, and even if my frens stil do feel pain, at least they will never be alone sufferin.. loving ppl has awaez been stupid, whether its love in a realtionship, love in a family, love among frens.. it usualli hurts juz as much as it heals.. but i feel content dat at least im able to love my frens, and even if they no longer treat me as one.. i noe dat their smiles will awaez be my reward... for showing love.. wad can be more precious den seeing de ppl u love smile? and if given de same choices, i wud still give away everything to see the ppl i love, happi.. dats all i wan, and even if i hv to hurt for de rez of my life.. i stil have others hu love me and care for me..

loves [benj]

it seems it worked.. finally... it took a long time.. but i succeeded.. my lord i nv forgot the pact i made with u.. and i noe u wud nv forget it as well.. but i fulfiled my end of the promise, so u muz promise me dat u wud awaez giv dat person happiness ok?? dun let my sacrifice be for nth..
hahas, i cudnt let go, i nv did realli let go.. so in de end, happiness wasnt realli his, but now, i can finally giv up de most precious thing i owned, and its much easier if dat person hates me.. now at least i can tell myself its over.. hahas, to those hu din believe it, see i told u so lahs.. but at least i din ruin tings dis time.. of coz de lord helped me alot as well.. thankew v much..

my lord, i thankew so much for answerin every single one of my prayers.. i dunno if dats a good thing but i noe u dun hv to do it, but still do it for me.. and u awaez warn me not to get involved so dat i dun hv to get hurt, but i stil do it.. and in de end kena hurt lyk siao.. den i kep askin "why?? why??" den i will rmb at dat time when u told me i shudnt get too involved..den all i can do is cry... but still i nv regret ani of my actions b4, nt a single time.. why is dat so??

ive got a major headache now... it hurts lyk shit... and its at de back of my head throbbing.. throb throb throb.. its damn painful.. mayb becoz im tryin nt to feel sad.. but i cant lie.. i am sad, i want to cry.. but i musnt.. i cnt regret now.. nt when i alr succeeded..

i rly need sumone now... i realli want my pain to go away... i feel so wronged and unfairly treated.. but its wad i asked for.. hu can i blame.. mayb dyin wun be so bad after all..

im nt dat strong [aollovin]

1) Single, taken or crushing?
Ans: no, Benjamin.. hahas.. crushing lahs I guess

2) Are you happy with your life now?
Ans: yes and no

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall in love with dat person fast?
Ans: is there a left person?? Okae, nt farnie.. ermm, yes I guess

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
Ans: yes.. if its u, u so betta be sorri

5) Do you believe that there are some circumstances, where cheating love is acceptable?
Ans: u wun cheat urself wud u?

6) Would you take someone back even if dat person cheats on you?
Ans: once bitten, twice shy,, but if im lyk a despo, I might

7) Have you ever talked about marriage to someone else before?
Ans: cant rmb.. did I?

8) Do you want children?
Ans: yups

9) How many?
Ans: depends..

10) Would you consider adoption?
Ans: sure, why not?

11) If someone likes you now, what do you think is the best way for dat person to let you know their feelings
Ans: tell me lors, u can sing if u wan.. lols

12) Do you enjoy getting into relationships?
Ans: a love-hate relationship? No thx.. love-love relationship? yes please

13) Do you believe in love at first sight?
Ans: yea

14) Do you believe you can change someone?
Ans: into wad? A rabbit? But yes I believe

15) If you could get married somewhere, where would it be?
Ans: on de moon

16) Do you give in easily when you are fighting?
Ans: fight wad? A flying cockroach? No, I juz scream and run

17) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
Ans: have..

18) Do you ever wished that you could have had someone but you messed it up?
Ans: mayb lah.. nt sure..

19) Have you ever broken a heart?
Ans: wad kind? Plastic is unbreakable..

20) If one day your best friend falls in love with dat person you are deeply in love with, what would you do?
Ans: will u give ur limbs away? If u do, I guess I might be noble too

21) Are you missing someone right now?
Ans: yes.. u din sae hu2

2) Now you have to ask 5 of your friends to do this survey in their blogs. Write down their names in the list below. Tag them in their blog to let them know.
> Cheryl koh
> Yong jian
> Fangyi
> Si hui
> Shitien

clara got me to do this.. ahahas.. it was pretty fun lahs... tryin to think of irritating answers.. lols

todae, aiya dun wanna talk about it.. nth much aniwae.. though i did get to talk to aloy for a while.. it was fun.. though after dat suddenli rmb de crapy stuff.. ahh wells.. i still enjoyed it aniwae... thx loy

my lord, ure my dearest family.. do so love u

loves [aollovin]

todae was pretty great lahs.. though tiring, it had so many fun things!! woots!!
i took alot of photos wif my frens lahs!! we even had a "shaedat" photo!! and de name is i sae one lors, though clara was de one hu decided to lyk use it coz she said it snded cool.. ahahas!! we took a 2/3 photo too!!! and i took wif xiner they all and cheryl choy and angeline and hashima.. wahhs so many lahs.. but it was absolutely fun fun fun!! it was a great way to end our last dae as well!!

oh yahs, its fangyi bdae todae!! happi 17th bdae!!! hope ur life will be full of smiles from now on!! lols..

den after skool suppose to go jjc wif cheryl, adeline, sihui.. budden in de end mr leong said our amath was mor impt.. so wad to do?? we stay lors.. frm 1 till 3.. and den we dilly dally at de sitting plan for prom, keep makin sure samantha doesnt do anithin farnie... LOL!!! veri mean.. but she kinda asked for it.. sighs.. nvm.. dun care bout it lah
den we veri hungry le.. so we decided go eat at mac.. so the four of us and amanda all went.. did u noe i hv tuition at lyk 5 and at 4 im still lyk walkin to mac.. yah ANIWAE.. when we were walkin there we lyk talk so much trash lahs.. but talkin trash is fun aniwae.. we talked about bad fashion sense and yellowish icky uniforms.. we talk bout rolling on de road.. yes cheryl, u can roll if u wan, nbdy will stop u.. ahahas!!

den we go mac, i and sihui shared a coupon... i paid 4 she paid 3.. well actualli she wantd to pay 4.. budden aiya nvm lahs.. ahahas, its juz lyk money.. it doesnt matter lahs.. but we were argueing over it.. yes dat was fun too.. yes im sick.. no wait im not.. okae, mayb i am.. this is lame LOL!!!

den at 5, we left mac, i pushed tuition to 5.30 and i still reached home late.. lyk wth ?? but its my own fault lahs, we keep chattin chattin.. den forgot to go home.. LOL!! de bus was super crowded todae, i had to squeeze myself.. at dat time, i was sardine benj, nt human benj.. i hate being a sardine, ure suppose to eat them, not BE them.. LOL!!

and then.. went home, had tuition, bathed, change clothes and go for.. AH GONG DINNER!! lols.. ah gong snds lyk ah gong(dumb) lols!!! went i was there, i was lyk so quiet... i was antisocial.. den val mei mei (wah damn biang sia.. LOL!!!) send me a msg lah, when shes lyk sittin 2 seats away frm me.. it was farnie lors!! but it got me talkin aniwae!! so we started chattin, did i mention i lyk chattin and crappin?? LOL!! yea.. den we talk bout xams(BORING!!), den we talk bout prom(which is on de same dae!!), den we talk bout how smbdy can hv such bad fashion sense, somebody cud keep wearin de same style of shirt.. mayb its a uniform lah, cnt blame him val.. LOL!! okae im damn mean.. im soo sorri.. den we talk bout other stuff, and den we fnd out we shared de same music taste!! oh dat is COOL... yes yes.. so i made a new bez bud out of my cuz!! dat is damn cool as well lahs.. wheee... lols..abit high now lahs.. considerin tmr no tuition.. FINALLI!! lols

dear lord, i thank u for de many miracles u put into my life. i realli do appreciate it so much.. loves ya lot!!!

todae nv get to talk and sing on de phone.. sighs.. ahahas.. but nvm lahs.. mayb tmr can.. lols

todaes post pretty long.. got so much to talk bout.. but todae has been great, tonight has been great too!! ahhs... i feel so blessed...

loves!!! [aollovin]

todae there was a big commotion over prom seats. okay shant sae more.. but im gg to prom.. and i seriousli dunno wad to wear.. mayb a business t shirt dat looks sorta not so business like?? hahas, i rmb dat shirt is i pick for my dad one, he said it was too "fashionable" for him, so i wear lors!!! lols.. budden comes de prob of the pants.. where to find?? muz go buy arhs??

i feel helpless, doesn anibody hv advice to give sumone hu feels dat he isnt much help?? im awaez ready to hear dem..

i never ever wanted ppl to noe about de unhappiness i have to go thru, den why do i lyk type it on my blog??!! so stupid lors.. but i feel its de onli place i can place all my thots.. i dun wanna write.. so old fashioned.. ahh wells.. i shud try to lyk do it less aniwae..

its onli right now den i noe hu are de people hu i can realli depend on.. and i realli thank de lord so much for gvin me de chance to actualli be ur fren.. and i thank de lord even more dat u all are my frens.. u guys make me laugh, make me feel alive and make me continue hoping in life and stayin true to my dreams.. also u guys make me feel im nv alone.. realli thanx so much..
my frens in skool, hu nv fail to make me laugh.. hu i can joke with, and poke fun of.. lols.. thx alots.. erm i dun think i wanna name names but there are ppl hu i wud realli lyk to thank.. but i shall thank u in my heart.. lol..
of coz de guy hu awaez makes fun of me, suan me, pang seh me, make me feel bad as well as sing wif me, crap wif me, make me laugh, make me forget my probs, ahahas.. thx loy!!

my lord, de pain dat im gg thru now, is it wad i prayed for? or is it my self inflicted pain? wadeva it is.. im ready to embrace pain as a part of my life now.. but plz be there to carry it wif me... i dare not ask for much.. but onli dat u stay wif me, and not leave me, even if i do stray from u, my lord, bring me bck to ur light..

i found out that there has been one thing dat ive nv stopped gvin out, i nv stopped gvin my love, and i nv will.. my love for my family, my frens, my lord.. and its de onli thing which i will never run out off.. loves ya all!! im such an idealist.. ahhs wells.. i dun eva wanna be a realitist aniwae.. there too many of them aniwae.. its okae.. i rather be wierd and irritating than harsh and unfeeling. it helps keep me sane..

loves!!! [aollovin]

till now im stil quite lost, i dunno wad am i suppose to feel or do... im starting to feel im in de wrong.. but yet i dunno wad de hell i did wrong.. was i being simply unreasonable or was i just being difficult?? mayb it was my fault after all.. and mayb i nd to reflect on wad i did... in ani case, i suppose there will be an end tmr..

todae during skool, i, xueming, seha, dina, shiquan and xiqing were at de library during chinese.. the library was god damn stuffy lors... hahas, but we made alot of jokes.. dina came up wif a new teory of how to tell how a guy was a gay.. he had to have the letters "l" "x" "m" "i" "n" hmms.. now lets see, can u guess hu it is?? LOLS!!! so mean!!! yah.. but it was farnie... oh yah i was being pissed at sumone, might hv said sum nasty stuff about sumone.. im sorri, i shudnt hv done dat... oh yah.. i was being pissed at ppl hu abused the word "gay" u noe sum ppl think its actualli a swear word!! utterly ridiculous lors.. how can food be GAY!!?? how can a pen be GAY??!! so which pen are straight and which are lesbians??? anibody care to enlighten me?? so dumb lors... u dun see me gg arnd using "grandma" as a swear word do u?!?! "this food is GRANDMA arhs!!" doesnt it snd utterly dumb??

kaes.. movin on.. lols.. i sang [qian li zhi wai] wif aloy again!! whee!! so fun lors!!! ahahas... den after dat we discussed fish.. scary fishes with horns and wings.. WAHAHA... nah im kidding, we were realli talkin bout fish though... LOL!!! so farnie lahs.. ahhs.. its awaez fun to talk and sing and crap on the phone wif loy.. thx alots!!

ma said i wasnt to download animore songs.. coz todae juz got 4 kids kena caught, it seems the trackers use internet protocol to track them.. oh dears.. dats so scaree lors... wad if i kena caught.. i betta faster go dl cherlys song.. and den i guess im gonna lie low for a while... eee. so scaree!! better warn others too...

my lord, i wan to apologise for not speakin to u for these few daes, ive been so preoccupied with my own things dat i forgot u, no excuse.. i deserve to be whipped lahs.. im so sorri... but i still do love u, and de pain dat i may hv to go thru soon, plz do not leave me alone to suffer... im veri afraid dat i may nt be able to take it..

in ani case, big thankews tot hose hu made my dae todae, i do appreciate u guys so much...
prom comin lehs.. i dunno whether i wanna go not... sobs... so many ppl nt gg!!! den i go also nbdy nehs!!! eee!!!!

loves!!! [aollovin]

i feel stupid, i feel utterly stupid.. i dun understand how i wasted myself for sumone hu nv cared, i dun regret wad i did, but i feel so foolish, so used, was i nth but a mere plaything? or perhaps i was nth but a backup, a reserve, a tool.. well wadeva it is.. i was stupid to let sumone use me..

but still i will change nth, perhaps it was realli my fault for being blind, i shud hv open my eyes wider... den mayb i wudnt have walked into this bottomless pit.. but it doesnt mean wad i did was in vain.. i gave my heart, although i recieve nth in return, but i noe i have awaez been sincere.. mayb i did smth wrong which i dun hv any idea about...
i dun want to think animore, mayb things will fall back into place, and my life wudnt be a total mess...

niwaes, thx so much for talkin to me aloy!!! i realli do appreciate it so much!!! i had so much fun dat i totalli forgot all about my unhappiness... todae we sang duets!! SHO COOL!!! firz we sang the duet b/w fei yu qing and jay chou [qian li zhi wai], aloy was jay, i was fei yu qing.. LOL!!! den after dat we swopped, i think fei yu qing veri hard to sing, but aloy cud do a realli good version of him.. LOL!! den we sang [tian tian ye ye], i sang as leann rimes and faye while he sang (wads his name again?) yah.. and actualli it was realli nice lors.. sooo fun!!! and den we juz crap alot and laugh alot.. it was realli totalli cool... thx again!!!

hahas, its funni how come i hv sum ppl hu care so much for me even though i do less for them.. while those hu i gave more, treats me lyk dirt... i feel so guilty and ashamed for not gvin more of myself to the ppl hu treat me better... u ppl do deserve more frm me.. and i shall do my best to giv all of me...

im lost now.. realli hurt and upset.. i dunno wad to do? which is de right way to go, which is de best path to take.. i realli dunno.. and i dun think i ever will, but right now, i juz wanna cherish all de ppl hu hv been there for me.. thankew so much...

loves [aollovin]

yest, i had to do sumthing i realli didnt want to.. but.. i felt i realli had to.. why did i feel dat way, i dun really noe.. but it still lingers in my head, and i still wonder if i did de right thing.. well at least i noe if im sufferin now, den it means i din do de wrong thing..

letoya awaez has songs dat suit my feelings.. dats pretty cool

letoya [obvious]

Have you ever felt like, you the only one in love in your relationship?
And as hard as it was to let go, you knew it was the best thing for you
Well that time has come for me, I gotta move on

[verse 1]
You say you wanna get married, but boy are you sure
Cause there are a couple of issues I refuse to ignore
You say one thing, and you do another
And Im realizing you don't want me on your shoulder
You think material things is what I need
But all I ever wanted was you Just a little kiss, just a little hug
Now Im realizing that that ain't your kinda love

[chorus]
Sometimes we want things
That might not be right for us
But when you're in love
You tend to look over the obvious
You're not changing and I know that you love me but
This thing ain't going the way I planned
Sometimes we want things
That might not be right for us
But when you're in love
You tend to look over the obvious
As bad as I want you to stay
We can't keep going on this way
Going this way

[verse 2]
Don't think you're doing me no favors
Feeling the need to get on one knee
When you know you ain't right baby
You wanna make sure Im always around
And with the ring on my finger
That means Im on right now I see it in your eyes you weren't
There's a good chance you doing some dirt
Cause I don't wanna be the one
To make you do something you don't want to
Im gonna let you do you

[chorus]

[bridge]
See there's a part of me
That doesn't want you here with me
There's a part of me
That wants to stick right with you
But it seems like you dont wanna put up a fight
And why should I even try?

[chorus]

its a pretty nice song.. smooth and pretty meaninful... ohh wells.. findin a song dat cud describe my feelins is cool, but it doesnt make me feel ani better... but i guez its impt to move on as well..

todae i sang in skool, oh gawd, it was embarassin big time lor... sihui, clara and xueming were lyk forcin me.. bleax.. u ppl are evill.. hahas. kd.. but it was so embarassin!! and den fangyi also heard, den he also come and hear!! ahhhs!!! so paiseh!!! but nvm lahs.. it was pretty fun.. it was de firz time i sang in skul.. yes i noe it sux.. dun giv me dat look.. ahahas.. but nvm lah... fun.. =)

i realli wish i cud find sumone hu cud share my probs, sumone i can realli trust, sumone hu understands, sumone hu cares.. sumone hu wud catch me when i fall.. i can only wait.. and see if dis person comes along.. mayb im too blind to notice it aniwae..

my lord, i hope u will not leave me when im gg to nd u most... im realli afraid of wad i prayed for, i'll be honest with u.. im realli scared dat it wud be too much for me to bear.. but i dun regret it.. but plz promise u wun abandon me, and be there for me.. i cant do it alone.. i cant bear the pain alone.. so dun eva leave me..

i exchanged almoz everything i had, my happiness for sumone elses, years of my life for sumbody to have time to be wif the one they love, my dreams to keep a couple together, de most precious ting i had for sumone elses most precious person. i dunno wad else i can give already.. i onli have my faith, hopes and god. i cant giv faith away becoz its nt sumthing exchangeable, cant give hopes away, coz sumtimes they fail, i cant give god away, or i wud be nth.. theres nth more i hv to give... but wadeva i can stil give, i wud stil give

i dun feel foolish, but sumtimes i feel lonely and lyk nobody cares... i dun think dats de case, but i do feel dat way sumtimes, and it is at those times, when i feel realli tired, and feel lyk wad ive done, was for nth, absolutely nth..

but niwaes, im still gonna smile, even if im sad, coz nbdy likes seeing a sad person.. so i muz be happi!! =)

loves [aollovin]

sumtimes i wish i was psychic.. not as in telekinetic lyk jean gray.. but more of lyk ESP.. the gift of extraordinary sensory perception.. that lets me noe how exactly ppl feel.. den i wudnt be so dumb.. den i wud noe when ppl were feelin sad, den i wud able to hlp them..

sumtimes i wish i had sumthing like de midas touch, except, i dun want to turn ppl to gold, i want a kind of touch dat can lyk make ppls problems go away.. den they wudnt hv to be sad, and fret over unhappi stuff...

sumtimes i wish i had a magic eraser dat cud wipe clean bad memories and bad stuff ppl once experienced.. make them totalli forget about it.. den lyk dat, dey wud nv look back and feel sad.. they wudnt be afraid to reminisce as well..

sumtimes i wish i had a magic foldable broom and dustpan dat could fit in my pocket den when i see bad ppl i cud sweep them up and dump them in de dustpan and den throw dem away.. ahahas.. dis way bad ppl will not do bad tings.. lols

sumtimes i wish i had a vacuum cleaner dat cud suck aways ppl pain.. "ZOOOP" and tadah, presto!! no more pain and suffering.. lyk dey den dey wun be sad and unhappi... how nice..

haiz.. if wishes were miracles, i wudnt be human.. sighs.. well i dun have anithin i mentioned above.. all i have is de ability to cry for ppl.. den after dat.. i can pray.. and dats about all i can do... how useless can i get?? why cant i just take aways ppls unhappiness??? why do i hv to see ppl i care for, feel sad and hurt.. its so unfair!!! and why isz dat de wicked are allowed to do as they wish?? why isz dat they can harm ppl as they wish?? why do their wishes come true, but not those hu are innocent.. but sadly, i dun believe in revenge.. (ure lucky, if not i wud curse u until u die) sighs... so helpless and useless...

i juz wish i was more help...

loves [aollovin]

it was meant to be a great day... it started out great too!! i went to lot ones mac to teach fab math, ck, loy and ziq went too... taught them all a little bit onli... wells, guez im not realli a gud teacher.. but its okae.. bout 1 hr ltr, dey longer wanted to study alr, so dey decide to go play ball.. whether its soccer or not, im not sure.. yahs.. juz as i was about to leave with them, it suddenli occured to me dat i wasnt suppose to be there, i felt more and more out of place.. so i went home... yes im a spoilsport, but i felt i cudnt face them any longer.. ahh wells..

todae in skool, i was pretty bushed.. thx to my ice lemon tea den i didnt faint.. lols.. and of coz, i got a piece of mooncake from june.. thankew!!! lols..yups.. i think i may hv trash talked sum ppl, i realli ought to stop doing that, wad makes me better den others??!! i realli gotta stop judging ppl.. sighs

well i dun feel lyk bloggin much todae.. not realli in de mood, ive gotta go get myself happi again.. i muz continue practising the art of smiling all dae.. sighs.. realli dun feel lyk smiling now..

maybe what i need is to sae the final goodbye

loves [aollovin]

ahahas.. everybody look serious in dis photo... hahas.. well dis bunch of ppl are pretty seriuos niwaes.. although if u peer long enuff, u see a joker at de backs... LOLS!!!


woahs.. dis looks warm.. ahahas.. nice =))

okaes i noe i look damn stupid.. ahahas.. benja was havin fun wif yj though, im lyk a xtra.. lols.. bleax too bad..

hahas.. i got photos on my blog alr!!! finalli!! lols.. hope u lyk dem!! =)

loves!! [aollovin]

now dat im back to being happi.. i can finalli talk bout my fav singers!!!! AHHH!!! lols.. lemme tell u arhs, beyonce has a super mega power smooth yet strong voice!!! there are sum songs dat u juz cant afford to miss, theres [irreplaceable], and [deja vu] and even traces of it in destiny's child [emotions] woots.. she is one hawt singer lahs.. my idol!!!
of coz there are others!! theres also christina milian [gonna tell everybody] its a great song too!! den theres keisha white [so sick(reply to ne-yo)] and not forgettin letoya [torn] hahas.. im so into rnb now.. its nice!!

hahas.. todae was okae i guess, i wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, i wasnt upset.. lols.. nth can get me down, im all set to stay dis way!! lets see, hmms is there anithin worth mentionin? oh yeah there is.. taikoon was makin fun of me and angeline!! so mean.. hahas.. so i and angeline decided to ignore him!! muahhahas!! yups it was funni and fun too!!

of coz its yj bdae todae!!! HAPPI BDAE!!!!! hahas, hope u lyk de presents and note.. ahahas.. u shud thank ming most for it though, she planned this mini surprise bdae celebration, i was onli her accomplice.. muhahas.. took pics!!! whee!!! but i dun hv them yet, shall post them de moment i get them!! lols.. it was fun, hope u enjoyed it yj!!

ahhs now lets see... todae was de emath retest, it was pretty ez i guess, i shud be able to scrap at least a b3.. i hv to lahs, if not i cant minus 2 pts... hahas.. yah but it ws okae.. not too tuff, esp paper 1, it was totalli doable... i juz hope i do well, good lucks to everyone else hu took de test yah?

my aunt sent me a realli swt msg todae... it was realli nice of her.. thankew so much!! oh dear, i hvn reply yet.. yups yups, shall do it asap..

di smsed me and called me todae. which was kinda lyk a surprise to me.. hahas.. but it was a pleasant surprise nevertheless, but im still hvin certain doubts bout wad im doing, but since i alr made up my mind, i gues i shud face all consequences alone..ltr he callin me, hmms, but i said dunid.. hmms, so do i wait for de call?? lols juz wait lors..

wad todae post veri long.. hahas.. hmms i think i still hv stuff to tok about, but i gotta rush and do eng compo, if i dun, dina and clara will get into lotsa trouble.. mayb i shud purposeli dun do.. hmms.. MUAHAHA!!! NO LAH!! im kd!! lols.. kaes i shall go do it now.. gotta call clara too.. muz discuss.. lols..

my lord, i thank u for removin my blindness to de many wonderful things i possess, dun let me be blind again ok? lols.. love yas!!

loves and smiles!!! [aollovin]

when life realli gets u down and u lose all hope and dreams, when everything comes crashin down on u and yet u still survive and pull thru, den uve juz grown stronger. ive come to realize dat me being unhappi and sad, doesnt make my life any happier, blaming de whole world doesnt remove my guilt, gettin angry and upset doesnt make me feel any better.

ive gotta be strong, ive gotta live life, ive gotta smile, and dats de me i noe, pursuin my dreams, believin in good, hoping for de best, stayin positive no matter wad... de more life gets me down, de more i want to be happy.. i aint gonna let life live me, i live life!! WOOTS!! lols..

i believe god has been puttin me thru a test, honestly i think i failed it when i said i gave up, but no matter, there are many more tests awaitin me, and de nxt time, im gonna pass them, every failure makes me stronger den de last, i believe there will come a dae in which i will be able to overcome all unhappiness even when everything seems to be against me..

also i noe i have frens hu wud awaez be there for me...
:everybody from my cls 4/3
:yj, ming, weiling, benja from 4/1
:terin, aloysius, ck, ziq

also my family membs hu hv never eva left me
:pa, ma, mei, di, de baby due march 2007 and my special bro!!

and of course de lord hu has de onli one hu could understand how i realli feel and i can be totalli honest with..

see i have so many ppl hu care for me!!! why shudnt i be happi!!?? and i wanna share my happiness wif everybody else!!
i wanna make ppl smile all dae... lols.. laugh all de time.. HAHAHAS feel happi aniwhere anitime.. whees!!!!

if life gets u down.. it realli hard to stand up again, but i noe sumhow or rather, u will find de strength, in ani case, if anibody feels lyk they nd sumone to tok to, i awaez hv a free ear to lend.. i onli charge 1 buck per min, ahahas, ahh heck i give everybody 100% discount.. wait.. doesnt it make it free den?? LOLS!!

kaes, keep smilin yah? if u hv to cry, den let it all out, budden after u cry, if u hv to smile, plz smile also.. kaes? hahas.. god bless all of ya!! esp those hu care for me!!

loves!!! [aollovin]

i give up

sumtimes i realli ask myself why i care so much when no one else gives a damn... isz coz im stupid? or isz coz im dumb? maybe idiotic? or isz being retarded? i dunno, well, i do noe dat all de crap i go thru has been self inflicted.. if i didnt care so much, i wudnt hurt so much..

but i cant stop myself... i cant just turn away and pretend i dun noe anithing... its just wrong.. and when i do, it makes me feel damn lousy and guilt ridden.. eva played tug of war? yea its fun alright, provided u arent de rope they are pullin on. not fun at all.

i dun wan to be a monster.. dun let me become one.

u noe magnets are such funni stuff, they have two extreme ends of totalli different properties, one north, one south, two different polarities and yet, still exsist in perfect harmony.. why cant i be de same??
a part of me saes its silly to try so hard, but another part saes its for a good cause and is totally worth it.
a part of me wants to be juz realli sad and self pityin, lyk as if de whole world let me down, but another part of me tells me to stay happi, stay strong and positive for others, so dat when others fall, i might catch them..
a part of me says people dun care, they never do and never will, and dat im just being foolish and self decievin, but another part saes dat ppl hu care are everywhere and if u show dem love and sincerity they will do de same for u.
a part of me wants to change to fit the world, if u stay in a nest of vipers, u change into a viper as well to stay unharmed, if u stay in a cave of werewolves u change urself into one to hurt others b4 they hurt u. but another part of me wants me to stay true to my hopes and dreams, stay true to de things i believe in, stay strong for others and myself.

so wads wad? wads right wads wrong? wads good wads bad?

because ive been a monster b4, i noe i dun wan to turn back into one again, but i do admit it was much easier when i was a monster, u hurt others b4 they hurt u, u hide behind masks and deceit, plotting, scheming... its realli horrifying and when i think back, i even fear myself. but though i wasnt truely happy, i was nv truely sad either... after all wads lying to urself when u lie to everyone else.

but it isnt wad i want, i dun want others to suffer at de expense of my happiness.. how can i be so cruel?! but why do i feel cruelly treated as well? why do i feel so sorely used? am i realli a ride dat u sit only when ure happi, get down when u get sick of it? den when u feel bored, u decide to sit again, den after dat get bored again, get down again. neither am i a toy, dat u play wif when u feel lyk it, chuck into de cupboard when u get sian, den one dae u open den u find it, den u play again, den sian again, den chuck one side again.

i cannot sae all these to anione because no matter how hard i try, i nv want to put my probs on others, lyk as if other ppl dun hv enuff probs of their own, but i realli wish dat for the first time in my life, sumone can actualli be there for me.. so far de onli person capable of dat is the lord..

however i do noe dat there are still some hu cares, ppl hu hv nv treated me good one moment and cold de next .. and i sincereli do thank all of u veri much.. if u can realli feel my appreciation, u will noe hu u are when u read this. if u dun, den dun pretend u do.

where is de warmth i seek?
de comfort my heart needs?
the light dat brings me back
out of de cold harsh dark?
has my life been nth but a dream
shatterin hopes i believe in
is my trust nth but a lie
but it wun be long till my heart dies

no longer believe [aollovin]

why do i still feel lyk im lost?? i dun undst... i thought i made my choice.. but still its lyk im hovering in between spaces.. and i dunno which way is right... my lord wad are u tryin to tell me.. i realli dunno wad u want me to noe.. did i make de wrong decision, or is dis ur punishment for me?

i feel lyk ive lost everything.. lyk i hv nth that trueli is mine, i lost a part of me and i dunno where to find it.. where are my hopes?? where are my dreams?? where is my love?? have i realli lost everything i held dear to me??

swimmin endlessly in dis ocean of darkness.. there are no lights around.. there isnt a lifeline which i can hold on to.. theres nobody around, i hear whispers dat come from de endless silence, teelin me to give up.. all im holdin on to is de smiles ppl gave me b4.. de happiness i hv felt b4, the feelin of being so loved.. but its fadin away.. i feel myself struggling to keep my head above de water.. im tired.. im just plain tired... how long more till i sink beneath it all? where is de warmth my heart seeks? where is de voice dat pulls me back? wheres de lifeline to guide me back to safety? where are de smiles i love to see, the laughter i delight in hearing? drowning...

ive been fighting so long, both against de cruelty of de harsh reality and de cold evil selfishness in my heart to believe i can bring joy to people hu weep. but my defenses fall and ebb slowly.. it wun be long b4 i change to protect myself from furthur hurt... wad kind of monster will i become???

drowning [aollovin]

i wonder when can i eva find de happiness i lost... now i question myself whether i did de right thing b4... but since i hv alr lost it.. might as well try gettin over it.. sighs

dearest frens hu have awaez been there for me, i thank u all veri much.. all of u make my life so much easier to live and i feel realli blessed.. but sadly i cannot giv anithin in return to all of u.. and for dat i feel ashamed.. but there is nth i have dat i can offer... all i can do is pray and take comfort in knowing dat de lord will answer my prayers...

dearest lord, i do so love u, but right now i feel realli distanced from u.. i no longer noe de right things to do.. within me a battle of my own happiness and the happiness of others rages and i cannot do anithin about it.. i can nv be so selfless to sacrifice all i hv for others... but i want to.. im realli torn in between doing the right thing and the easy thing... i can awaez give up and care juz for myself.. but i cant do that, but neither can i sae i give up all i have for others... wad am i supposed to do??

dearest family, i thank u for simply being there.. though i may not show it, i still do love all of u.. its just de recent spates of events have left me helpless and weak.. i no longer hv the strength to put up a farce at home. i cant pretend to be happi... so forgive me.

my dearest new memb of de family, i do noe dat i love u veri much, and as an elder brother all i want is for u to be happi, but i no longer trust myself to even help u.. im afraid that u will lose ur happiness but im also afraid to lose u.. if u can, tell me wad i shud do.. how do i choose?

dearest me, can u please find the positivity u once held, the energy and strength to smile so dat others can fell happi around u.. can u please find the faith that u once held so strong, the belief dat everything is wonderful and worth loving. please piece ur dreams and hopes together again, please start laughing, smiling, loving, dreaming, believing, hoping.. please please please please..

please and dearests [aollovin]

i can describe the exact way i feel wif just a song.. i think its realli cool how i can find a song dat can realli describes everything i feel..

Torn [letoya luckett]

(verse 1:)
a part of me wants to leave you alone.
a part of me wants for you to come home.
a part of me says i'm living a lie.(and i'm better off without you.)
a part of me says to think it through.
a part of me says i'm over you.
a part of me wants to say goodbye.
a part of me is asking why...

(pre-chorus:)
a part of me wants to leave.
but a part of me wants to be here with you.
and everytime i think we're over and done you do something to get me back loving you.
and you got me just torn.

(chorus:)
torn in between the two. (oh yeah)
cuz i really wanna be with you.
but something's telling me i should leave you alone. (i really want to be with you)
leave you alone.leave you alone.
and you got me just torn in between the two. (in between the two)
cuz i really wanna be with you. (be with you)
but something's telling me i should leave you alone. (you alone)
leave you alone.
leave you alone.

(verse 2:)
there were no issues when we started out.
it was cool.
it was everything that love's about.
but something happened.
plus i feel it's over now.(cuz i can't understand you now.)
now oh(i just can't understand you now.)
a part of me says it's all my fault.
a part of me says "he ain't what you want."
a part of me says to get my bags.
a part of me says i can't do that.

(pre-chorus:)
a part of me wants to leave.
but a part of me wants to be here with you.
and everytime i think that it's over and done you make me fall back in love.
you got me just torn.

(chorus:)
torn in between the two. (between the two)
cuz i really wanna be with you. (be with you)
but something's telling me i should leave you alone.(you alone)
leave you alone.
leave you alone.
and you got me just torn in between the two. (torn in between the two)
cuz i really wanna be with you. (really wanna be with you)
but something's telling me i should leave you alone. (telling me i should leave)
leave you alone. (alone)
leave you alone. (alone)

(bridge:)
so many times i... (i was ready to go)
so many times i... (had my foot out the door)
so many times i... (i thought to give him a chance, thought he'd be a better man)
now i'm sitting here and i'm so confused.
cuz i keep fighting myself for you. (i don't know how much more i can take but i can't feel this way)
(you got me so torn)

(chorus:)
torn in between the two. (oh yeah)
cuz i really wanna be with you. (i really wanna be with you)
but something's telling me i should leave you alone.
leave you alone.
leave you alone. (but i don't know)
and you got me just torn in between the two. (should i stay or should i go)
cuz i really wanna be with you. (i don't know)
but something's telling me i should leave you alone. (you alone)
leave you alone.
leave you alone. (you alone)
and you got me just torn in between the two. (i'm torn in between the two)
cuz i really wanna be with you. (i really wanna be with you)
but something's telling me i should leave you alone. (but i don't know)
leave you alone.
leave you alone.

(repeat 3x)
and you got me just torn in between the two.
cuz i really wanna be with you.
but something's telling me i should leave you alone.
leave you alone.
leave you alone.

realli torn [aollovin]

up till now i stil dunno if if i can over get over it.. its de right thing to do but nobody eva siad it was de easiest thing to do.. nobody lyks losing a loved one.. neither do i.. but if its de onli thing dat can ensure happiness for my di den i will willinli do it... i juz wish it din make me so upset..

i realli wish dat i could just drown out all my sorrows.. not wif alcohol(please NO!) i mean can use drinks not?? hahas.. anibody heard of drownin sorrows by drinkin coke or pepsi?? mayb ribena? lols.. nahs dun think it will happen.. im gonna hv to face it in de end..

im so confused.. im lost and i realli dunno wad to do

sclub (say goodbye)

chorus:
sometimes goodbye though it hurts,
in ur heart,
is de only way for destiny.
sumtimes goodbye though it hurts,
is de only way for u and me.
though its de hardest thing to sae,
i miss u all in everyway.
so say goodbye,
but dun u cry,
coz true love never dies

sad and confused [aollovin]

been bloggin lesser recentli.. i dunno if its becoz of the growing workload and stress i and everyone are facing.. or is it becoz im juz simply not in de mood?

told my mum all my results on mondae.. she was fumin mad.. said sum pretty nasty and mean stuff.... nearly caused me to hyperventilate.. ahh wells.. its not like i din expect her.. i alr knew wad she was gg to sae aniwae..
budden.. (i realli have to thank my tuition teacher and god) my mum went to call my tuition teacher to ask if de paper i did was realli tuff.. and my tuition teacher said it wasnt and den she went on to speak up for me.. she said i had realli improved and have been constanly workin hard for my math.. de reason dat im not doing well is bcoz i have a serious psychological prob(lols.. yah im mad), she said i was too nervous and i kept focusin on how badly i wud do and it became a self fulfillin prophecy.. and den she also told my mum not to freak out and play it cool wif me.. she also told my mum dat i shud learn how to relax bcoz she said it was no longer a workin hard problem.. coz i alr did and i knew my stuff.. but i freak out durin de xams..
so now my mum is totalli not mad at me.. shes realli realli nice to me now.. she even told me not to worri bout de firz 3 mths.. cannot den cannot lors.. nvm lah.. dose were de exact words.. but sumhow it made me feel worse.. i feel lyk i let her down.. oh man.. i realli wanna work hard..

durin de past 3 daes, i had a veri troubling time too.. my friend was seriousli messed up by relationships probs and he realli nded hlp and sumone to share his probs.. well dat was pretty much all i could do.. it was realli saddening for me to see my friend so sad and all i can do is juz listen.. i realli wanna do more.. well i gues i did and it worked

i told de lord dat i wud give up de most impt thing to me if he were to let my friend and his gf be happi together.. hahas.. it worked.. de lord realli answered my prayer.. thankew so much my lord.. budden now.. i feel im about to lose de most impt thing to me alr.. it realli makes me damn depressed but i noe i will tell myself its worth it so dat sumone else can be happi instead... i juz wish it din hurt so much..
i realli hope de bth of u can stay happi together... god bless =)

not realli been in a happi mood recentli.. maybe dis is just part of life where we go thru a realli dark time.. but i noe dat dis darkness wun last foreva and happiness awaits me as long as i keep livin and try stayin as positive as possible..

(life goes on "leAnn rimes")
Oooh, life goes on, and it’s only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back
Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back

loves!!! [aollovin]