gjybenj.livejournal.com

say cheese!

one lousy half paper left.

the new maths tutor is okay... lol.

had a pretty nice day out with friends on fri. the time traveller's wife was simply meaningless. it was ok, just really meaningless. lichu says you're suppose to get that love transcends time.

hahaha.

yz says im becoming weird(or already am). hahaha.
maybe i guess. and maybe this time, its not the exams, cause its like its over, at least im acting like it already is. but i dont feel that lifting of spirits as i normally do.

hmmmm...

i need a long chat with my dearest Lord. make some sense of my life. if not my life is wasting away.

i really wanna go korea and join SM Entertainment.

please, tmr when i wake up, i wanna have good looks and an awesome voice and know how to speak korean.

please.....

sometimes God makes himself known in the most un-obvious ways possible. honestly, if i didnt have him in my life, i didnt know where i would be. maybe i would be dead. lol. so suay that a bird shitted on me that was infected with bird flu. hahahaha

3 more half papers and i'll be done with this shit.

although the shit was as shitty as i expected, its nonetheless still quite smelly.

lol.

life could get better

suju m's new song!

WOOOOOOOOO

a saving grace on an otherwise horrible day.

i cant wait for the prelims to be over. then i'll be able to study for the A levels instead and do all the fricking easy 10 year series questions. cause right now im just wasting my time doing prelim papers that are way in over my head and i feel like a total loser for not knowing anything.

prelims suck. i should just skip the entire thing and study for As.

AJ sucks, cause they deliberately set extremely difficult papers.

maybe i should just fail the whole thing again, its not like its gg to make a difference ever in my life. what an utter waste of time.

OI, wheres my that 8 bucks organic chem book i bought!!!

dog peeed on sofa. dog peeed on bed. dog peeed on carpet. dog shitted on carpet. dog shitted at balcony.

stupid dog.

smack it later. grrr

i think blogger's running out of funds.

i have limited space to type this.

and the entire webpage is white thats sparsely filled with words.

lol. think i should consider an alternative.

im not studying. whats new?
have very weird dreams every night.
dreams like how i fight with my mum, dreams like how 1308s chem teacher comes and claim to be my mum. wtf. that dream was very scary. i was running for my life thruout the sch away from her and she keeps appearing everywhere telling me she's my mum. !!!! dreams like how i can not need to study for my As. dreams like how im overseas with my cousins.

OK. seriously, my life is this messed up thing that i wish would just slip away when im sleeping at night.

I WISH I DIDNT HAVE SO MUCH ON MY MIND

no, i want to have a lot of chem and maths and lit and hist in my mind.

i want, but i dont get.
lol

SUJU!

yo class, study hard! those who come and read this trash. lol

you know you've hit the lowest point in your life when you start liking to live in your own imagination more than the real world. its just so perfect and blissful. come to think of it, it is really kind of pathetic isnt it?

hahaha. i guess.

but i really like living in my imagination. but i also heard this is the start of insanity.

wah.

watching suju videos is like rain in the sunshine.(cause i hate the sun. zzz) lolll

gas

the measure of a man is not by picking fights, but how you avoid them.

dearest lord,

i pray that you will find it in your heart to lessen the pain that my friend has to face.
i dont want anyone i hold dear to have to go thru such difficult times and such relentless anguish.
if i could i would take the pain for her, i really would.
please dear lord, do whatever you can to help because i cant. you're the only one who she can depend on now, please dont forsake her. and dont make things any harder than it already is.
its not fair that she has to experience this. its really not.

ive got a really bad headache.

really really bad. and a stuffy nose.

AND I HATE MY NEW MATHS TUTOR.

go eat shit.

im worried about carine...

its the feeling ive been dreading. when everyone seems to grow more distanced and i feel the need for isolation. i want to be alone so that i dont have to hide whats inside. i feel the need to give in to the grief in me and grow tired of trying to smile and laugh when i really dont feel like doing so.

i know this is so not the time for this.

but its something i just cant help.

i wonder when i'll grow up and get over myself.

anw.

i dont think very much of guys who make girls cry. but i guess you're so balless i cant even fault you for not being guy enough to do the right thing. thats right, you fucking piece of fat tub lard, if you ever make my friend cry again, i'll go straight to you and punch you in your already pathetic face. and then if you ever feel the need to be useful, i know a really good slaughterhouse. your brethren awaits.

zzzzz

i think its the exams. and alot of dawning realization. but mostly exams.

at least thats what i think it is.

nah, im fine, i think i'll get over it. you can only allow self pity for so long; sooner or later you need to smack yourself awake.

i appreciate things that are constant. constancy is a comfort that is meant only for the privileged, or the very lucky. of which, i am neither. i am however fortunate enough to have some very good friends and blessed enough to have a somewhat happy family.

of course, there's always God. but he's so constant it doesnt even count anymore. i think without him, i would probably be living in Ethiopia catching bugs for lunch, scrapping bark for dinner and not to mention blind with several fingers missing.

woah, that was so morbid but so horrifyingly true i should be infinitely thankful for what i have now.

but it doesnt make things any less harder to accept.

like taking things for granted. thats one.
forgetting the need to be sensitive, thats another.
or sometimes being plain unpleasant. thats worse.

which is why maybe i do need some isolation. it builds up character and dependency on others. and it gets alot of work done. lol

btw, my effing dog peeed on my bed. i would curse and swear at it several times over but it wouldnt hae understood a single word i said. except when i call its name. but that doesnt count. ): so im relegated to grousing about my actually pretty good life (that i need to appreciate a little more) and making myself zzzzzz all over again.

and to think i wanna be a psychologist.

lol.

SUCK IT ALL UP AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.

i didnt just say that right.

and the gender revolution gp passage stipulates it should be

SUCK IT ALL UP AND TAKE IT LIKE A WO/MAN.

dry wit about gp is hardly amusing

har har

it was kinda a sucky day. like one of those "lets all rain bad luck on ben today just to make him du lan". zzz

i think if i had frowned a second longer my face would get permanently stucked that way. not a good thing to happen to a already 'take one look and run away' face.

at least that was until i heard a latest track that was a collaboration between my 3 favourite korean bands! WOO HOOOO
its seriously cute and funny.

and CHU! even if my day seem kinda zzzz, i hope you had an AWESOME 18th BIRTHDAY!!! and sorry i kinda ruined the surprise, didnt think you would be gg out aft sch today. ps ar. hope you like the presents and the cake! i really hope you like the present. srsly.

LOL

blogger's layout gets weirder everyday. not that i care much. lol

today's one of those days where i just feel like things arent gg right.

i really got so many things i would like to say but i cant put it here.

thats very upsetting really.

so in the end, i'll just suffer in silence. again.

whats new?

lol

eheh, i meant, suffer as in, choosing not to say it out. not that i have no one to tell it to. lol

got the feel to blog.

lol. been mapling pretty much recently. its the 2X exp fault. if not i wouldnt touch it, really.

eh shit, suddenly realize i dont know what i want to blog about.

no, maybe its more like, i realized i cant put what i wna say here.

zzzzzzzzzzz

then whats a private blog for?

-_-

sometimes sch starts out so bad, you just wanna take an atomic bomb and blast the sch to smithereens. especially when its unneccessary things like stupid bias lian who make groundless insinuations. go get your facts right b4 you jump to conclusions.
and then as usual, tbk makes a whole big scene about bloody nonsense, one of this days i'll stuff your spare turban into your motorcycle's exhaust and then you can just blow up while im in a taxi pointing a really rude sign at you (from a safe distance of course).

WAH this is bad. talk about lack of magnanimosity. time for some reflection and quiet time with God. (:

of course, the dearest lord always makes things better by making sch end with a really good workout. vball, running, a little soccer, more vball. and then a short escapade to amkhubs ntuc.

so in the end the day didnt end so badly after all. thank god and goodness, lol, for friends like that.

a little appreciation goes a long way. (:

i think people who post anonymously on blogs are cowards. if you got smth to say, say it out loud. dont say it and hide. loser

zzz, i need to be a little less antagonistic.

STILL FEEL LIKE PLAYING VBALL!

omg, its like an addiction. save me

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

random things i hear on a train

girl A: you're like the stupidest girl in the whole wide world
girl B: what! YOU're like the stupidest girl in the WHOLE UNIVERSE
girl A: (to girl C) omg, thats so childish, i was just telling her she's like the stupidest girl in the whole wide world and she told me i was the stupidest girl in the universe. ahahahahaaha(laughs in a rly annoying way)
girl A: Whaaat, its true whaaat. i mean it
girl B: (laughs somemore in a REALLY annoying manner)

bueytahan. seriously, i was about to laugh out loud at the idiocy of that convo but that would be to laokui. but seriously, so this is what the younger generation talk about nowadays.

rolling fried rice sushis and stupid girls in wide worlds and universes.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

happy family. lol, it just came to my mind. as usual my head's filled with countless random things.

i think, whats saddest, is the souring of friendships.
has got to be absolutely the most zzz thing ever.
if only life was all about laughing happily(and laokuily) and having endless fun.

((((:

there are some parts of school now thats really unpleasant. its so unpleasant i just wanna go home and sleep it away. and you know, umbrella area sucks. its damn hot and makes me even more zzzz.

hahahaha zzzz.

its so nice to say.

zzzzz
zzzzzz
zzzzzzz

shit, i got alot of lit hw suddenly.

heng tmr no lessons.

cant stand the sight of ths f*ckshit, turbanking

so my mum, turns out was being really nice and reasonable about everything. and thats exactly what i want, now i can finally stop being rebellious and really study cause i dont want to let her down. and i feel really bad cause... cause im just bad. LOL.

im just a positive learner.

k, i dont wanna start confabulating a whole bunch of mushy, dreary things.

and for the dont know how many umpteenth time, i'll still say i cant do without 1408. think i would just fade away in nothingness. okay thats very exaggerating, haha. and its been a really long time since i last saw the gang as well. kbox sounds really awesome. hahaha

i need another sentosa-like outing.

vball tmr, YES.
need to run as well. getting huge.

how is it possible that im absolutely poor. like so poor i cant even draw money from my bank cause the minimum withdrawal amt is 20 bucks. i really need to reflect on my control of finances.

money! fall from the sky! nono, dont fall anywhere, fall into my bank accnt please. just 100 mil. and i'll be contented. haahaha

you'll never believe this. even i dont believe it. but..

I DID MY MATHS AND CHEM TUTORIALS.

QUICK QUICK GIVE ME APPLAUSE!!!

lol!

wth right. im SUPPOSE to finish them. and here i am making a big deal out of it. but i really did them, all by myself, on a weekend, at home, and chem is not even due tmr. WAH

and i could play dota without feeling guilty and feel really great owning the damn ais.

hahahaha

super junior's 'its you' is stuck in my head.

im determined to make sure my mum eat her words. and everything else she accused me of. bah.
[utters a really rude word under my breath]

okay that was really lame. ahaha

whats the definition of a friend?

friends help one another when they're down and in the dumps. they might scold you and act a little bossy when they see you doing silly things. but its only cause they care. they dont leave you. sooner or later they just respect their friend's decision and give them the support they need.

friends who give up on one another simply cause they are dissatisfied are not friends. they are picky. they pick what they like and discard what they dont.

eh you think what, buffet ar?

bah, lousy friends make me pissed. no, not friends. lousy people.

something about blogger seems weird. i think this post might get unpublished or smth. lol

its been quite a while since the stupid exams and the f*ed up results. life moves on, as usual.

sch has been great. great in ways i wouldnt have expected.

i wonder how come i've changed so much.

hahahaha

oh and you cant keep pushing people. sooner or later, they'll just push back. really

i feel really stupid. no, not the kind of stupid i always mean, but honestly stupid, like as in, dumb, brainless, retarded, unintelligent and all the other synonyms you can find.

if only i could just take that drop-out form and just... get away from this hell.

i cant stand the sight of my exam papers, looking at it always makes me cry. cry because i feel utterly pathetic and useless.

i dont want to go on and on about this.

PES A. wth. so i rly need to go run and gym and blah blah now. if not it would be hell when i go in.

i like basketball too. but volleyball's better.

think i wouldnt make it if i wasnt in 1408. thank god. even if its sometimes inhabited by hovercrafts and machine guns, its still pretty awesome.

(:

thanks, yz, pam, erika and maybe even darren. haha

feel like vballing.

the stagnation is due to constant mapling and dota which im glad(and sad) to say has come to an end.

recently its dawned upon me that people always judge you especially those you didnt expect would. and im just going to say i hate it. im sorry if im not fit enough to be your friend. and that you think im simply a pushover so you think you can subject me to your stupid and shallow antics.

woah, cant believe i just said that.
i think its because im in a really foul mood. and everytime i get back my pathetic good for nothing grades, i really wanna break down but that would be too weak and nua for some people. so i have to suck it all in and bear with it.

in the end i thank god for friends i can be myself with. its these people who i know will always appreciate me for who i am and not what i do.

and btw im not a pushover. i just choose never to get angry at my friends.

dont piss me off.

and now, i wish i can just hide some far away place form everyone and really break down.

running on borrowed time.

its the most apt description of what im going through now. and seriously, i think ive peaked. ive been using dozens of supplements to supply the energy im not getting for sleep. i think i slept less than 12 hours over the entire week. and redbull, chicken essence, milo, food are all giving me a sugar rush which lasts for a mere half an hr. FATIGUED. im beginning to feel extremely tired and thoroughly exhausted.

im so tired i wanna cry, really. im feeling so shagged its making me so depressed. omg, i just wanna mutter a whole string of profanities to express this rage im in. (*&@(*&*(#*@&^$!#!^$(&T$!#*!#!^#!#*!P!(*&#*(!#

i cant study history. not in this state.

im going to fail everything and what upsets me most is i studied the most for chem but its fucking difficult. ive never given up on a paper b4, NEVER. but i was so tired i was beginning to slip out of consciousness and i knew i was going to fail anyway. 0's a U, so is 39, why bother getting the 39? its a U anyway.

im really quite upset now. and i really wished death was waiting for me on my bed.

a eternal slumber doesnt seem so bad.

really.

wah, this is a bus-train moment of inspiration post. lol, i cant believe i actually think of what i can blog about on my way home from school.

okay, the first thing i really have to get off my chest is these bunch of dumbass girls on the train. and they were talking real loud and damn alot. i mean its okay if the stuff is interesting and all but seriously, the conversation was just....

odd.

girl 1: cao fan lor
girl 2: hahaahaha, add the sushi cao fan arh
girl 1: no lah, the cao fan you must roll.
girl 2: hahahaha, rollrollrollrollrollrollrollrollrollroll hahahahaha

omg. wtf.

im so glad i have people who even though i talk nonsense with, is a sort of make sense, funny and lame sort of nonsense.

not rollrollrollrollrollrollrollrollrollroll.....

:(

LOLLLL!!

and i wanna say, i like people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, as retarded as it may sound. lol. i mean people like that are just so easy to read and easy to understand.

i dont think i wear my heart on my sleeve though. but i want to.

hahaha, im glad i have quite a few friends who do though. they make my life rather blissful and awesome.

unlike some who just are simply unfanthomable and hovers around or are just plain mean. these are pain in the asses. pain in the asses that i dont regret knowing or can live without but pain in the asses nonetheless.

hahahaha yz, stop laughing while reading this.

omg, michael jackson is dead.

even if im not a fan, its super shocking news. and kinda sad too.

shinee likes michael jackson one leh. bet they will be sad.

lol.

im kinda sad. i think. and im trying to figure out how to use this in a gp essay.

lol

kidding.

im not making much sense.

i think its just one of those bad nights. one of those really bad nights when i feel really awful about everything. everything sucks. i hate everything. at times like this i feel really thankful i have things like family.

which no matter how much i hate or how much im upset with will never give up on me.

i dont have much things like that in life.. not many people who are like that in my life too.

i think i deserve this.

i deserve this (what i think is a) awful life.

wanna run away to another world.


i know all these will pass by tmr morning. but right here right now, i feel like im in a personal hell.

which i deserve too.

lol

im so scared... really so scared

omg, lol. i never thought i said this but i like alot of fahrenheit's songs from their recent album. LOL. shit, and i always thought they were just a bunch of goodlooks with no real quality. ouch, i have to take my words back.

lol.

but compared to S.H.E's, they are still just chui. HAHA

and compared to SHINee, wah, no comparison at all. oops. HAHA

kbox tmr!! AHHH. HAAAA. HAAAA.

if only i didnt have tuition b4 that. )))):

OMG! KBOX TMR

and btw, my sister knows how to say omg. lol. wth right

get togethers has always been awesome. thanks cheryl for making such a great one happen. hahaha.

so the Gang met up for a bbq at cheryl's place. as usual, we were hyper and noisy and incredibly lame. LOL. taking all sorts of HAHA photos, candid/unglam ones. its habitual alr, i think. ((((: the food was great too but we had a couple of sotong crackers instead of sambal sotong and fish that sticks to the aluminium foil. HAHA.

the few of us who could stay later went to make a few unbelievable shots with fire sparkles. i will upload them.... WHEN I GET THEM. lol.

ah, i miss the Gang. and its been 6 mths since the last full gathering. we should totally have more of these.

laokui kbox next week. I HOPE.

hahahaha

i miss simply having fun with friends and ignoring the ... distasteful parts of life. which includes hw, sch, exams and emoing. esp dwelling on dotage. ))):

who said sentosa was so-expensive-nothing-to-see-also. lol. i miss sentosa like mad.

lately my stomach has been acting very weird. and its gross yes, but my waste has taken on a funny sort of colour too. ive been getting very weird eating habits and cravings as well. and the worst thing ever,

i just threw up.

it sort of makes one kinda worry dont you think.

lol, but im not fretting, im just feeling very sick now.

like i might pass out any moment.

yikes.

and then my mum says she has this weird lump at her neck, now that im worried.

i know how much i rant about her all the time but i know i just cant do without her. and thats the simple truth. god bless her.

studied with jere. and the rest i'll keep to myself.

and no yz, im not bored of hearing you talk about stuff. really. (:

the problem with me is i always jump to conclusions. that much i've ascertained now.

and im quite upset about it.

especially when it comes to the tea-cup ride im on now.

its funny how much dotage can make you upset. both literally and figuratively.

for me that is.

and no yz, im not referring to anything about you ok. lol.(i rmb the thing we said b4. that out blog posts cnt be ambiguous.) loll

maybe i'll try to forget dotage. and get over it. but i dont think it'll be easy and i'll be able to do it.

):

i will fail all my exams

but i think i will pass my chem paper...

even if i take it tmr.

yea, im very sure i would pass it,

if the chem paper tested purely only on ionic equilibria.





hahaha,

so you know the extent of my progress now.

r nrhh mlg hvvrmt blf. r slkv gsv mvcg grnv cv nvvg dv droo ..... 'tvg xolhvi'

i just watched something called perfect weapon on national geo. okok, lame i know, but thats not the point. it was some documentary about the creating super powered high tech weapons.

like this automated thingy that can fire 1 million rounds in a minute.

but instead of being like awfully impressed and going, woah, damn cool. i feel only sick in the stomach thinking of of it would potentially be a weapon against people. and that is, DISGUSTING. and i dont care if people call me a wuss or some pussy or a coward. because in the end, using those weapons, regardless the reasons, is paramount to murder.

ITS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL.

i hate guns.

the people who invented them should probably rot in hell forever, though i think he alr is.

why cant people invent something like an impenetrable shield that can protect everyone. like a forcefield generator or something. and dont give me the bullshit that its unrealistic because making a gun that can fire a million rounds is supposedly unrealistic as well.

you see, people are just disgusting creatures who seek to destroy one another to ensure their own survival.

so in the end, we higher evolution beings are the most barbaric of them all.

its a sad world.

i just thank god, im not surrounded by such people.

thank you god

anw, spent the day out with yz and pam, hahahaha, we were totally on a shopping spree looking for all sorts of things. and finally settling down at starbucks to study which only gave me a real headache and pure hatred towards ionic equilibria.

but it was a awesome day anw. more please.

and how come you two never take photo with me ):

lollll

dotage.

i like this word. no, not simply for the fact that is looks like its somehow related to DOTAge. lol. its just such a fitting and quaint word. for me that is. ahahaha.

i keep sleeping these 2 days. and its not cause im not getting enough sleep, its simply because im that bored with nothing to do. i refuse to touch my notes or anything else. zzz.

the weird thing is how im like always half conscious during these "naps" yet at the same time dreaming. and i dream about everything or anything, from monsters, to magical powers, to sad stuff and about dotage.

dotage dotage dotage dotage. haha, i just like this word. i shall use it as a code word. hahahaha. shit, damn odd. hahahaha

nvm. im allowed to be delirious cause i just woke up.

study session tmr. YES. and it would conveniently include some shopping. hehehe.

i do not like the sun setting, it becomes so much more depressing and irritating. and i HATE emoing. its so, excessive, spastic and redundent. jialat, since when did i have such an adverse reaction to emoing. but its just something that cant be helped. so i think i better get use to it.

lol.

kbox, bvball, badminton, biking, rollerblading, dota, dotage, sentosa, shopping,
)))))):

i dont like my blog layout anymore. the green quite irritating.

im so zzzzz right now.

and zzzzz doesnt even mean anything. lol.

omg, everyone's mugging like mad, staying up through the night to study, preparing for tuition, etc etc. and im like idling at home doing absolutely nothing. and no on believes me when i say that.

and its not like as if im wasting my life away hooked on a game or something, nor am i like spending all my time going out and having fun. im just at home, doing NOTHING. why cant i just direct this time to mugging????

urgh.

i dont like this feeling, not doing anything, im not even emoing, lol! that sounds so weird but nvm. i still think im on the tea-cup ride. its getting abit rocky and uncomfortable, it makes me wanna puke and really upset. but i just refuse to get off.

zzzzz.

im wasting my time and life on ... and i dont think i should.

zzzzz.

monday's studying session faster come! i need some distraction!

zzzzz.

kbox next friday faster come!!! i really am missing it.

and WHY DIDNT THE BADMINTON OUTING materialize?? and when am i ever going to get to play beach volleyball again????

ZZZZZ.

see, im so zzzzz right now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

lol

i feel like....

im changing.

HAHAHAHA, that just sounded either really cool (like in a xmen mutation kinda cool) or it sounded entirely spastic like puberty or smth. LOL

NO! im not undergoing puberty, i wish, what with the growth spurt and all, but no its not happening. sadddd. )))):

but yeah, i really think im changing and its a change i never would have expected. suddenly i feel like playing sports, suddenly i feel like emo is so irritating and i should totally just sleep it off. suddenly i feel like, i can just bochup about things, suddenly i feel like dressing up is so overrated. LOL, i cannot believe i said that leh.

HAHAHAHA

okok, yizhen thinks its a good change.

i hope it is too.

but seriously, i never expected it. really.

and honest to goodness, i seriously miss beach volleyball. i WANNA PLAY. LIKE NOW. and roller blading, and biking and badminton. even swimming in the sea. AH! I WANNA PLAY! NOW!

make the exams go away leh

it was on the way to msia that i heard wang xin ling, 翅膀. lol. and it was cause my mum was randomly playing it on a disc she found in my dad's car. luckily she did, cause i realize i dont have this awesome song in my ipod and i cant stop listening to it.

寂寞是不需要被原諒的原諒
愛情終於是被你刪除的過往
天黑天亮 都顯得迷惘
我在哪裡失去了方向

lol, i like.

im feeling kind of lost now. lost and a little confused. its like being on those spinning rides, like the teacup thing you know, that spins and spins. and it spins so fast everything becomes a blur except the person you're riding with. but even the person is become sort of blurry and you cant see that person clearly any longer.

thats exactly how i feel. its like the world around me is just flashing by while i concentrate solely on 'unblurring' the person in front of me.

oh and like the ride, im the one spinning the teacup. which means, all this, is self inflicted.

i should have just went on the merry-go-round and i wont have this sort of problems. but too bad, im alr on the tea-cup ride and i dont feel like getting off. not until i stop spinning anyway.

lol, okay, its all either very metaphorical or im just bullshitting away like nobody's business. but nvm, its for myself to understand anyway.

my irritating cough wont go away. and im like some sick dog confined at home. BAHPOOEY. lol, wth was that. hahahaa. and the new ps games i got from msia is damn gross. one of them is damn M18. it has like topless women with huge bosoms. and they dont even bother to censor it. eeargh. and on top of that, the gore is just... just... gory. LOL. you push swords thru eyeballs, rip off heads, slice bodies in half... bet its what those people like freddy and jason play on boring mrt rides.

lol

okok, really very bullshit.
hahahahaha

i stop playing dota for a very long time and i lost today. which means its something you have to practice almost everyday. omg. and the mid years are less than a month away. ayeee..

if i still cough like a sick dog tmr, im not gg to maths tmr. )))):

hahaha everyone blogged about it the moment they got home. LOL.

i loved today. it was one of the most fun, exciting, and bloody tiring day ever. LOL

yeah, the Usuals rock.

cant wait for the next similar thing. bet it'll be even better.

and thanks jere. ahaaha

okay, it started out kinda wrong. but today turned out to be very okay indeed. actually more than okay.

lol, eh yizhen, this part is directed to you.

i had no idea that it was actually affecting me so much without even me knowing it. but after just now, im really more than just relieved and glad. im really happy that its over and not only that, we're just as great as ever. hahaha. and i know its kinda cheesy to say all this. so its going to only happen once. im glad its like friends forever just like ive always wanted it to be. OKAY! i feel really cheesy now. lolll

dear lord, thanks so much.

thurs!!! ooooo cant wait....

shinee's new song rocks!

lol. once in a while i have to keep myself attached to my idols. if only i did the same for god. hahaha.

there are things i would like to say but it wouldnt be possible to put them here. which is kind of ironic because the entire purpose of making this blog private is just so i can speak my mind.

hahaha

guess not.

im feeling really mad. its just another one of those days when the anger just festers in me and i feel a need to cuss and swear. but fuck doesnt even cut the cake. lol. so i'll just bear it all inside, as usual, same-o same-o.

lol

i want to be able to talk to someone because its becoming quite unbearable withholding everything. ))))))))):

life goes on. its a simple, unacknowledged part of life. even if sometimes things suck and you feel like you're in the deepest, darkest, smelliest cesspool, life still goes on.

and im just taken along with it. and constantly hoping one day things will just get better.

never thought i would say this but hanging on to futile hopes is pure idiocy. and i really dont want to be an idiot anymore.

IM SICK AGAIN! KNS

headache, cough, flu, blah blah and blah. WAHLAOEH.

and i just heard the 1st case of swine flu has been confirmed. omg, what if im the 2nd. )))))):

my right arm is in a sling! and boy is it ugly or what, i look like nothing if not a joke. and darren doesnt help by laughing everytime he sees me.

but i guess it cant be help cause right now my arm is still hurting and the pain seems to be spreading to my upper arm and my chest. taking the meds would be a suitable alternative if not for the fact that i'll fall asleep the moment i take them. and seeing how i have gp to do, that is not a viable option.

ZZZzz.

i dont want to do gp!! and maths!! very sian leh!!!!!

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

looking on the bright side, tmrs my favourite day! heeee

my arms are hurting me! seriously, i cant even type without feeling pain. why the hell am i here then. lol.

im afraid i may become handicapped cause the muscle might be inflammed or something. lol. and what the hell, i cant even play dota cause my arm hurts like mad and i cant hold the mouse properly.

siaaaannn. and i missed a jap sushi buffet today because of a black man in a turban who was rambling on about how its bad for us to have funeral parlours beside hospitals. seriously, get a life.

i bet he's smoked so much his lungs are as black as night.

hahaha, complain and complain is what i do, how awful. hahahahaha.

im going to fail the chem test today, i think.

i very tired now and i want to sleep but my arms are hurting too much for me to sleep. if by tmr the pain hasnt worn off, im going to a doctor and getting casts and look totally ridiculous. lollll. you can sign on my cast, i always thought that was kinda cool

blogging helps venting.

but i guess i should not be venting. everything is just about being optimistic and waiting for things to keep getting better.

in retrospect, my life now is still many times better than a not-so-distant past. and i guess ive slowly begun to stop cherishing the dozen of many things i have. when i put other peoples' suffering in comparison to mine or compare it to what ive been thru b4, this would still very much be heaven..

life is just all about learning to be appreciative before judging

learning to admit rather than to blame

learning to accept rather than reject

learning to just be a good friend.

looks like i really need an attitude readjustment.

dear lord, help me with this very unspiritual and sinful phase.

tmr's chem test and i havent study at all. going to sleep now and wake up early and study. okay no, i still need to emo a little bit b4 i sleep. and au contraire to what lionel says, emo doesnt mean you're confused, its because you're experiencing all those feelings all at the same time. counsellor my ass. oops, and im suppose to be learning to be more appreciative. hahahahaha. okok. he's not that bad lah. XXXX:

lol

i've never felt so hurt before.

really i havent. i mean its one thing to know im stupid and that im just not as learned compared to others. and i know im not hardworking and plain lazy.

but it hurts very much to hear people speak to me that way. to make it seem as if im of zero worth, to feel like i amount to no more than trash.

okay, i know its useless and pathetic of me, but there and then i really had this urge to cry.

i really never felt so hurt before. partly because i didnt expect it and partly because i know deep inside it is in some way, true.

fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

i cannot think of a better word to express my utter frustration.

WHAT THE FUCK!

vulgur as it may seem, its not even a strong enough word to describe the turmoil im in.

i only wish crying would make it all go away. but it wouldnt.

so wtf.

long weekends never seem to be that long. it passes way too quickly then its suppose to.

the vball girls lost. so did the guys. but you know what, i think they did wonderfully well anyway. and the guys have more matches to go and i know they'll just make it in the end. as for the girls, ive never seen a better team ever, even if they lost. (((((:

went for dota today after cheering for the vballers. and i lost almost all the matches. so it proves that my super pawn ai skills are useless when it comes to people. hahahaha. damn loser.

i dont want to go to sch tmr leh. its going to be a sucky day esp since there's lit. bleargh.

i cant wait for the hols to come so i can sleep as much as i want everyday. it does wonders for my complexion as well. ooops. that sounded kinda himbotic. lol. who cares. lollllll

wth

there's something about blogging that makes me irritated. but i'll try anyway.

i realized that at the rate im going, i will fail my alevels. esp maths, know why, cause its effing hard and my tuition teacher is forever mia.

i will fail chem too because i didnt do any of the tutorials so far.

i will fail lit and even though i half blame my lousy lit teachers, im super slack and sian of it. esp PnP. it makes me pukeNpuke.

oh dont even get me started about gp because my teacher still -for the love of god- cant pronounce problem properly. no matter how hard she tries, its still ploblem. and it sounds funny here but when you consider the fact this is the person gearing you for the A level GP exam, it isnt quite so funny anymore. ):

OKAY. i grouse and grouse, but actually, im a large part to blame for everything. im slack and constantly procrastinating. right this moment im procrastinating my lit presentation. bleargh.

so now that ive done with the studies part, lets move on.

im constantly bothered by very non-studies related things. and i think that things dont seem to be heading in the right direction. im feeling very lost, confused and a little peeved. it seems i really need to deal with these things soon.

the whole health problem thing seems to be over or maybe im actually incubating H1N1. after all, i do resemble a swine. lol

quick dear lord, help me hit the refresh button. the back button would be fine too. anything but the tab button. i dont need more issues in my life.

AHHHHHHHHH

what a whiny and bitchy post. i think i'll go play dota and feel good pawning the ai. and if i lose, i'll go dunk my head in the toilet bowl.

it was such a beautiful dream.

i wish i never had to wake.

im finding it hard to keep it all inside. ):

i think it was the pineapple and macdonald's chicken combo like what erika said. until now my stomach is churning and i've been to the toilet 12 times in the past 12 hours. hopefully the doctor can give me some miracle medicine that will make me recover instaneously.

i'll take things one step at a time.

hey yizhen, if you can, lets talk soon ok?

same-o same-o

i go to school, drown myself in all the work in an attempt to hide all the hurt. my hand aches from all the recent hw ive been trying to do. my head aches from all the thinking involved.

you know what, i never knew hw was so tough.

my math tuition teacher is suppose to be coming and helping me with more work. yes, he's coming already.

i hate myself for being a coward. to be so afraid to own up to my problems, one and all. and to resort to what i feel is the most distasteful thing in my life makes me hate myself even more. seriously HW??

i dont know what ive become. facade or truth? i begin to lose consciousness.

maybe the world hasnt changed, i did.

or was the world so cruel and dark all along. and i was always the selfish and self absorbed one from the very beginning.

maybe, i think so.

suddenly all the good things in this world seems to have come to a standstill. at least in my life it has.

i dont know if im giving everyone too much of a hard time with all my health conditions but im starting to feel like im miles apart from everyone.

and what saddens me most is the fact that i cant speak to what ive come in time to realize, one of the best friend i could ever have. and yet it seems almost as if we are strangers. it really tears me up inside.

and yet i have to pretend like it doesnt bother me in the least and keep telling mself to just give it time.

life doesnt seem worth living. not in the least.

all the same life moves one and i wont kill myself because im afraid, because its against god and because i think i wont have to wait long anyway.

but all the same, i didnt expect to lose my friends around me.

and so what if im crying my heart out. it doesnt make me a loser.

AGES is the right word to use here. its been too long since i last blogged, way too long. but so much has suddenly been happening in my life, i guess its okay to take a little time to sort it out and hmm... just reflect.

and after a long time of pondering, thinking, considering, imagining and sometimes crying. i decided to just take things easy. even if im not meant for this world and in dont mean that in a figurative sense, im just going to live out my life as much as possible.

im going to try anyway.

i just wanna apologise to my friends who ive made life so difficult for one way or another.

omg, finally stupid blogger is working again.

woah, the past few days have been a bitch. first its being sick then the internet decides to go and fail me. the days without internet is pure torture, its like being confined in a box, sealed and shipped away to some dark corner of the universe like Malta(like where the hell is that?).

ok shit im being very melodramatic.

hahaha.

so instead of accessing E-lects i celebrated my newfound 'freedom' by playing DOTA. and the worst shit part is i didnt enjoy it. F***.

sometimes you dont have to be a woman to be a doormat. you just need to be... ah, nvm.

so is this one of those times where everything starts to take a turn for the worst? i dont know. and i dont like it. because suddenly the world around me seems a whole lot darker and more menacing. people are becoming horrible, dark, insidious people with foul intent lurking at every corner.

shit. im making this sound very depressing.

well shit bitchshit aside,

thank you very much, all of you, for the lovely lovely birthday present.

and thanks ff and erika for taking so much effort to go find it and get it. really wouldnt know what to do without friends like you.

damn...

im feeling..

AMBIVALENT

i cant take this

it felt like i didnt have a holiday. seriously. so im feeling kind of short-changed and bitter. i just thank god that this week has an extra long weekend.

havent touched a single bit of holiday homework. how can i anyway.

hahaha you wouldnt believe the things erika, yizhen and me could do. we were at cartel on friday from 5.30 to 10 doing absolutely nothing except laughing, talking, laughing and talking again. of course there were the occasional throwing of bread, tissue paper and all sorts of rubbish at one another which just sent the people around us into a foul mood(like we care).

lol. its just amazing.

i wish everyday was like that. life would be simply delectable.

one of my 3 wishes would definitely be having these friends for life.

btw. i cant believe im like 19 alr. damn old.

haha wth. it was my birthday like 4 days ago and im blogging about it only now. it just goes to show how much importance i'm according it these days.

nah, its not that i think its not impt. its just that its not a big deal anymore. im just glad and contented that my friends have done something for me one way or another.

thank you 1408 for the SURPRISE birthday cake! honestly i was surprised. loll.

thank you erika and yizhen for getting the cake. and thank you anyone who tried so hard to keep it a surprise. LOL.

thank you all for the sweet and touching birthday msges i recieved

thank you ade, cheryl and shitien for being utterly laokui and singing happy birthday to a phone! loll. it was really very sweet. ((:

thanks dad and mum for the cash gift. very practical indeed. lol

thanks to those who made an effort to wish me a happy birthday on facebook.

okay. that should be all. and honestly, i know like almost everyone i've thank here will not be reading this but i'm typing it here anyway.

lol

oh and thank you god. for everything.

i have things i wanna say but i cant say here. which sucks because that defeats the purpose of a private blog. wth. lol.

nvm.

im falling ill i think. sore throat coming and i think im running a temperature. must be SIMUN honestly. its making me very sick. very very sick indeed.

hmm, im not sure what i want to put here.

i think i just wanna start by thanking the laokuis AGAIN. haha for things i'll tell you all when we're alone.

i cant wait to kbox tmr. and im really afraid SIMUN is going to screw it up for me. KNN. nono. kns. HAHAHA

i love fridays. its just the best day of the week. and the only day i get to hang out properly with the class.

need to get a haircut alr.

its getting ugly.

chem tuition in 10 mins time. less if she decides to come earlier. and im thinking its totally the wrong day to come, not after all the shit that happened today. its so disgusting i think i just wanna puke.

actually i really feel like puking but nvm. not the point..

i hate gurusharan singh for being a complete fker who didnt mark my essay for not attaching my plan and checklist. go die.

i hate dionne ng for kaobeikaobuing early in the morning for things so trivial it makes me wanna smack her face.

simun really irks me. REALLY REALLY irks me

okay... i need to talk about happier stuff.

there are things about the laokuis, jeremy and kell that i really appreciate. i really do. but im not going to say cause its going to seem so insignificant and silly. hahahaha.

i played a game with mc and got my hand looking real ugly now. so much for sadistic games. hahahaha

on the eve of a test filled day i actually dotaed. TERRIBLE.

in the end im posting this after my chem tuition. lol.

and the song im listening to now is so... quaint.

the lord really answers your prayers.

so be careful what you wish for.

but i do so love you dear lord.

i didnt like today. and no yizhen, im not saying it as if its your fault.

on the contrary, i think im a lousy friend who doesnt know what to do when people are upset except feel really sad and getting the urge to cry as well.

how pathetic can i get.

on the other hand, no matter how sad it was today, i hope you enjoyed the little birthday surprise today, kell. sorry we couldnt cel it on the actual day for you though. ):

caught the movie push with carine and erika. i liked it cause it was the typical guy kind of action show with special effects and all. but it was mind boggling at the same time.

i hope the rest did well. havent heard from them yet.

and im feeling honestly confused about stuff.

i dont ever know what i'll do without my friends. and even if it was sort of random, i still felt like i had to say it.

yizhen called me a starter. but i see it more as a busybody. yuck.

i think im a real busybody.

and i wonder why they call nosy people busybody. their body very busy meh? i know mine isnt. im still as fat and lazy as ever.

so maybe im not a busybody after all.

im just a nosy parker.

and i wonder why they call it a nosy parker. why cant it be lazy orcharder? or lazy gardener?

HAHAHAHA.

this is suppose to be a senseless post. i need to stop the emo stuff alr

sometimes its better to not have any idea what's the ending going to be.

honest.

hey ff, see lah, you have no tagboard, so i have to type it here instead.

no, its never humanely possible for someone to accept someone else unconditionally. but that shouldnt stop you from seeing the better side of people. sometimes we get so caught up in a particular weakness we forget to appreciate their qualities as well. and you're not petty nor unaccepting, you're just being human. so dont feel bad likewise the person you have problems with is also human. we all make mistakes, in the end its how we forgive each other and forge stronger friendships that matter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i really think ms giri is the most awesome and inspiring teacher ever.

i dont feel like going to sch tmr because im dead beat. SPA sucks. and im probably going to flunk it.

urgh.

sch sucks.

never thought i would be updating on such a regular basis. its been almost everyday now.

maybe lichu was right, we only use our blog to rant. or maybe like ff says, its the only way to express your feelings.

either one would work fine for me, i just need to blog anyway.

at some point in time, we reach a point in life when we no longer question "why". you no longer ask why is this happening to me? why should i have to suffer this? why am i so sad? why am i so mad.....

etc etc.

i guess its because we know that there's no reason to ask why anymore? asking why wont make you feel any better nor will it solve anything. so in the end you simply just accept it and hope that sooner or later, you tide it thru.

i hope i get thru this quickly.

but in retrospect, i wonder how much of all "these" is self inflicted? hmm, i think a large part of them are born of my own doing. had i been a little more gracious, be a little less judgemental, been a little more accepting, been a little less selfish.

things would have been very different now.

its all a matter of perspective and choice i guess.

and the lord as well.

maybe i shouldnt take things so hard. (:

sometimes i think things would be much better off if i was

more callous
more uncaring
more insensitive
more oblivious
more rational
more unfeeling
more unsympathetic
more unkind
more selfish
more self centered
more emotionless

and if i were, i'll probably be better off dead.

sometimes things just dont turn out the way you expect them to. thats just the way things are.

its a wonder how shortlived both happiness and sadness can be. but these constant shifts between the two can be in itself, in every sense of the word, a chore. its tiring and draining to toggle between the two and im, in summary, exhausted.

again the only thing i can be thankful for are the friends that i have around me. no matter how sian life can get, nothing seems to go wrong when i hang out with them. thank god.

spent the entire day out with most of the Gang. its been ages since i last saw them but nothings changed, we're still that same gang who just have wondrous fun together. whether its making a big scene at macs or looking like stowaways at marina barrage. nothings changed. (:

i dont hate feeling upset anymore. its come to a point that ive accepted pain as a part of life. it'll fade, just like all things, in time to come.

i just need to be patient.

in the meantime, i should reserve all rights to be all depressed and sad. lol.

life sucks and then you deal with it.

im confused by dual personalities.

that being said, being a person of multiple personalities, it'll probably be real hypocritical of me to say that. but i would never treat the same person in two different mannerisms.

i mean its one thing adapting to the needs of different people and its another hiding who you are to (how would i put it?) remain accepted.

suddenly computer games gain an extra dimension and definition that i've never seen before. long gone are those days when games were just simply games.

in the end i conclude, there's nothing more important than your friends. if something has to be forced or is unnatural, its probably just a farce or not worth your time. i've come to appreciate my friends more so than ever before. there's just that clear defining line between companionship and friendship.

one's real, the other isnt.

i'll go for the real one thank you.

ive got half a mind to lay off dota.

cause i think its kinda infringing onto my friendships.

because everytime i play with the guys i feel really stressed trying not to be a total loser. face it, who wants to play with a loser. ):

cause i think im being a bad influence by constantly asking the guys(esp mh) and ff to go and dota with me.

uh huh. so i really have half a mind to lay off dota. the other half(that doesnt want me to quit) comes from the interest i've developed for it. its like fun, challenging and strenous all at the same time. its just awesome lah

maybe i really need to cooldown.

there are more impt things in life than a silly computer game.

imuststopdotaimuststopdotaimuststopdotaimuststopdotaimuststopdota

things will never be the same again. or at least, i'll never see uncles the same way again.

the event is of such horror and gore, to speak it or relate it would be absolute blasphemy. okay, maybe im exaggeratin a little, okay, maybe alot. but no doubt, it was gross and sick beyond reason.

stop laughing at me erika!

and i own the AI today!! hohoho. all thanks to mingchio's brilliant tip. WOOHOO

eh ff lets go own some AIs soon. make ourselves feel good. hehehe.

suddenly im getting many weird signs. signs that i find getting increasingly hard to ignore. its not something i can help nor can do anything about. and im not in any particular hurry to lose this feeling anyway. bah. this feels kinda stupid.

i need some orientation.

mingchio and umchio. LOL. wth. and cheebong. whatever that means. ff we're full of shit really.

its been EXHAUSTING. i swear pe cant get any more tough than it already is. its like i lost 10 years of my life. i can feel the arthritis and rheumatism creeping upon my old, decrepit body.

very soon, i'll be able to predict when rain's coming and i would be 10 times more accurate than the lousy news station.

so about thurs, LAN with kenneth and minghan. of course, i was the only noob and kenneth was being an asshole by laughing at me dying. haha but it was fun nonetheless, real fun.

fri's college CIP as usual is more like a bonding session for us even if we slogged so bad. i like the curious case of benjamin button, BESIDES the fact that it has my name in it.

valentine's day yesterday. spent the entire day msging. lol.

and i keep losing at dota i feel like pulling out the little hair i have left.

its so sad.

feeling kinda jaded, nono, i think i mean i feel hmm.. ambivalent.

i think la

i stand corrected.

I NOT STUPID 2 is not so stupid after all. even if the name does irk me because of its typical singaporean broken english. fine, i admit, its kind of pedantic but its my prerogative cause im a lit student after all.

jack neo: oh can you give me a LAME(lamb) chop please
waiter: oh no, thats a LAMB chop
jack neo: whatever~! can you get rid of this LAME(lamp) please

minutes later
waiter: sir, here's your LAME chop.

HAHAHAHA. it was seriously funny. he was attempting to relate to his son by using teen's expressions like SO LAME and whatever.

but aside from being hilariously funny its really sad too. especially when his son ask if he could buy an hour of his dad's time.

and i realized that family is all you have in the end. so im going to make a real big effort in being nicer to my parents.

and this song makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Verse 1]
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

[Chorus]
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

when you let your hopes build, it has a tendency of coming back ALL the way down. i guess i'll try to not let my hopes get way too high. then again its silly because hope is all i have now. shit, this seems to be turning into a hope GP topic.

lol

i've been enjoying the recent gp lessons. on art, on morals, on happiness especially. seriously, happiness is when sadness ends.

i dont like jenna. even if you're in the choir it doesnt mean you can belittle people who arent. your voice may rock -i dont think so- but if you have the lousiest character in the world, you're nothing but a farce.

a blown-up baboon's ass to be exact. b u b a, buba, thats what you are.

shit. sorry, i just hate it when people diss my friends.

SIMUN is really making me barf though im still madly in love with history lessons. and i just realised how much i like ms koh. for being a truely inspiring and fair teacher.

PEPSI's all i can think of at the moment.

im just happy because i could be getting back my psp.

and monday is always the Usual's lunch out day. yeah, kell, i like the bonding too however corny it sounds.

and i take this time to thank, auntie clara, carine, erika and yizhen for being there when i was all shitty and F'ed up. i would trade my psp for any of you.

that being said, can it be like willingly gave up instead of having it stolen or lost?

i guess the lord is just and merciful afterall. i never should have doubted it

i really feel like crying now. im really feeling awfully bitter.

i lost my psp.

okay i admit i hate my blogskin already. and everyone is moving to wordpress im getting the urge to as well. but then ive always been the kind that purposely defy trends -which is kind of stupid- so i'll just resist the urge and stick to this. the green is quite irritating alr.

i dont know what to make of things now. im feeling disillusioned and irritated especially with my hair. and today super nice minghan spat ice at me so im feeling even more irritated than usual. its super gross, what the hell. lol

okay lah it was funny.

not the point though.

and i had a hell of a time discussing godzillas, dinosaurs and whatnots with jeremy during chem lecture.

played a mini version of amazing race today.

shit im doing the what i did today kind of shit.

but nvm.

i dont like ms ng, period. go get a life and stop being in mine.

I FEEL VERY ANGSTY!!! so angsty i dont even wanna play dota. kns

BAHHHHHH

i find myself -a really bad friend- becoming more and more sick of myself.

but enough with the negativity, im going to watch Chingay 2009 and at the same time miss bride wars with erika and carine. that sucks. and the possible chance of a steamboat feast at night. but nvm, i deal with it

its not the right time to get hooked onto DOTA i know. so i'll try to reduce my playing besides it can get rather boring when you can never seem to beat the bad guys. haha

i seriously enjoy most of my time in sch. no, i stand corrected. i love all the breaks in school because if im not going crazy with friends, im eating (what i think is) delicious food or we'll just be singing some random song. as meaningless and silly as it may sound, its still nevertheless wonderful.

funny how i keep repeating stuff like these.

lol.

happy cny! its chu 5 today.

i hate myself. i hate everything about me. im about as pathetic as i can get.

seriously someone should just ask me to go and die. it would do everyone a whole lot of good

it seems like im not blogging but actually i am. its just that my posts are not appearing. hahaha. that was absolutely uneccessary but im not in a mood to care. im spending really little time at home which i find hard to adjust to. i miss home really. or at least those just laze around and watch time go by that sort of thing, you know?

maybe its not really about disliking school but im really feeling increasingly tired. it makes me sick and gross. and it seems that everyone around me is geting sian too.

overall its just a kinda unpleasant atmosphere to be in.

so i conclude, yes. i dont want to go to school anymore.

its just not worth it.

bah, this is such a f*ed up post i wanna puke and die. and honestly mr guru can just go and fly kite and i'll be secretly praying he flies to far far away with the kite. like just go away and leave me alone. byebye.

SIMUN is making me barf too.

its just extra pressure i dont need.


AHHHHHHH

FUCKING LIFE SUCKS!!

school has been a breeze compared to the storm i was expecting. i can only say that this is simply the work of God. however undeserving i am, i still get to enjoy the blessings, countless ones, that God rains down upon me.

i owe him to much yet i've repaid nothing. and to think all the times i've hated people who always take and never give. eh, but i do hate myself. not that it makes it okay, but you know..

i take this time to thank ms koh, mdm loh and ms giri for being such inspiring teachers. and the rest for being plain mean (with sufficient reason to but thats not the point). they make me wanna work hard. really.

i have all the work in the world undone and im thinking about going to sleep. shit man. and maths is the first lesson. omg. i have done zero things for math. i'll try waking up at 4 and trying some questions. then at 4.30 i'll give up and go sleep. LOL.

i dont think i'll be posting here much anymore but still the memories that ive accumulated here cannot be so easily discarded. so i think i'll keep this blog after all.

went out with Gang Laokui on wed. we decided on a picnic at sentosa and of course it turned out great, as always. okay, maybe the food wasnt that great and i think i gave everyone a stomachache. still, the experience was simply unforgettable. and it was the first time we took so many photos as well, which again, im too lazy to upload. haha

school is starting real soon. im looking forward to working hard with ff who has exactly the same lesson slots as me. i cant afford to be slack off anymore now that i finally realized that i really wanna get into law school. oo, god help me.

i wonder what will things be like after the A levels. no more studying, imagine that. hmm..

suddenly, school seems kinda exciting. haha.

hooray, i managed to transfer most of my old ipod songs into my new one. the sense of accomplishment is wonderful. if only the same could be said for my homework and tuition assignments but then again if they were done, i wouldnt be me anymore. lol

what's ben if not lazy and stupid. lol.

but that's not the point.

im afraid i wont be able to go out tmr. i've been postponing my tuitions and delaying them just so i can have fun all the way till wed. but my mum is getting very irritated by my actions already. cham.

i'll just pray really hard i can go tmr.

i need to prepare the almond jelly now but im feeling lazy, again. hahaha

i did a new personailty test yesterday, it confirms that im a bum.

shit, this post has alot of 'i's which i wanna avoid because im trying to make the world about others instead. damn, this sentence itself constitutes 2 'i's.

how to be less egotistical and more altruistic is a mystery im determined to solve. to the mystery vehicle!

shit not funny. hahaha

bye

i want to live my life for others.

to dedicate it to making lives for others happier.
it'll be best if i can bring in a lot of laughter as well.

hahaha

i think my diet inclinations are getting from bad to worse by the minute. im even moving on from pokka's green tea(the sweetened one) to the japanese one. which essentially is really just a mouthful of bitter.

im throwing half of my food away everytime my mum buys something back. i mean like, really disposing them off into the bin. im skipping as many meals as i can.

and sometimes it gets so bad i feel kinda faint. which shouldnt be the case since im suppose to be burning fats for energy instead.

im going to be eating alot of porridge. i.e, alot of water with very little carbs.

and mushrooms, which are vegetables that i love oh so much

cant wait for the picnic with the laokuis this wednesday. food, beach, friends, being plain laokui, ah, what more could i ask for.

im feeling hungry now. porridge, here i come! wooo

grandma is so thin now.
worried but envious. lol

true to you heart, you must be true to your heart
why second guess, what feels so right

knew the signs, wasnt right. i was stupid, for a while,
swept away, by you. and now i feel, like a fool
so confused, my heart's bruised, was i ever loved by you

out of reach,
so far, i never had your heart,
out of reach,
couldnt see, we were never meant to be

i didnt post anything on the first day of the new year. never liked new years anyway, it always meants school had to start the next day which makes me feel downright shitty.

but new year day was special. i guess. just another sign that God does listen.

the next day was however, alot less special. in fact it was kinda.. how to put it.. upsetting... in its own way.

i miss ff and the laokuis. and the usuals as well.

i feel sad. sorry this is a very redundant and retarded comment. but i am.
will sadness never end?
the price to pay for happiness may be more than you can bear.
or rather, i can bear.

i think its a good thing my blog is private so there are less people who knows what a stupid idiotic loser i am.

thank god.

i wonder what grandpa is thinking now

but talking on the phone with ff always makes the day awesome. even if it was the lousiest day ever. thanks ff for being a superb ff. lol