In but a short few hours i will be going for two of my retests yet instead of fear that fills my heart, it is this overwhelming sadness that wells up within me. the causes are there but i just can't seem to grasp them and it really sucks because it's like everything else in my life, they are all there but they are not for me to have.

i wish i didn't have to keep wallowing in all these misery.

if only i could help it.

Sometimes stuff just become increasingly meaningless. You look at the life you're living and ask what are you actually living for.

I've come to realize change is inevitable. No matter how much you abhor it and regardless of whatever futile resistance you put up. If circumstances would permit it, i would want to remain that naive and silly person i used to be. You know that kind of "i can live outside from reality no matter what they say and what they do" mentality? Yea, i yearn for that dumb mentality.

it simply would hurt much less than facing certain truths in your life.

but i guess it's time to stop those airy-fairy nonsense about idealism and deal with reality. It's not time to be a helpless weakling at the whims of everyone. You have to protect yourself because no one will do it for you. It's pointless to place all your hopes and dreams on people who will just disappoint. POINTLESS.

i hate what's happening to me. but i guess it cannot be helped. As much as i want things to be simple and fine and dandy. FAT HOPE lah.

damnit.

replies:

yang: hahaha omg if it is the same guy, i think he should be placed on ads, warning people to keep away from him. its god damn gross. hahahaha.

The classification of disgusting includes acts that are gross and to a certain extent, disturbing. so tell me, how does one shave with a pair of scissors? Apart from which do it in a public place where the masses have access to your unholy act of removing facial hair with a pair of scissors! god bless us all.

However shocking it may be, i saw something worst and i deem myself a victim to a considerable amount of ill fortune to witness these sick and unnerving event. some old man actually used 2 coins as a form of tweezers to pull his facial hair out. and for the love of god, his facial hair was white and his skin was in all forms loose and sagging. so yes. tell me about the epitome of disgusting.

i swear if being disgusting was an unlegal and unlawful act, these men would be spending a PRETTY long time in remand prisons. but sadly and surely, this would then include buttscratchers and nosepickers, which would include nearly the entire population. ew.

SO PEOPLE, my plea to you! act with grace and proper behavioral mannerisms. keep those low, unsightly, upsetting acts to the bare minimum. BEHAVE IN A ETIQUETLY RESPONSIBLE MANNER. please?

hahaha. but seriously, it is damn gross. yuck.

anyway, the chalet rocked. although i would think twice before killing an ant again. and im sorry liwee for dragging you into my karmic consequence. and sihui and ade as well. sincere apologies. i promise to not kill excessively again. lol

breakfast sucked. i consider myself a loserish cook. haha. sorry guys.

and i will never be tanned. how sad. once a BA NA NA, always a BA NA NA. hahaha

dance revolution can be so fun when you have the entire arcade to yourself. hahaha. anyway i think we rocked right sihui? hahaha. we rocked as well as stones. hahahaha

so good luck to all my gals. i sound like a pimp. wahahahaa. but really good luck. and dont worry, i know you all can make it. every single one of you. :)

i had a nice conversation with ade today, and i really do realise that i am in every sense of the word, fortunate, to have friends like these. i can be myself with them, i dont have to hide anything and be whoever i want to be. hahaha. i really appreciate you guys. so thanks a lot. all of you.

thank you god.

okay, so maybe elliot yamin is another AI contestant. with little looks to boast about. but hey... his voice is... GOOOD.

WAIT FOR YOU.

if only i had a voice like him...


tough luck.

ahahaha.

off to fall asleep hearing "wait for you"

seriously... damn kick ass good.

omg. and its raining now and the song is so damn sad. what a nice oppurtunity to emo. haha too bad im over emo. nevermind, i shall emerse myself in the song.. ahhhh

replies:

hey clara, merry xmas already?? lol. abit too early.. and talking about xmas, thats when my retests are. shit. lol.

rahhh.. ade, you wait.

i really want to get you out of my head. because everytime i see your face i feel frustrated. its bloody irritating to close my eyes and see your face. i dont want to remember anything! so do me a favour and get the hell out of my head!

i just had to get that out of my system.

damnit.

so i realize that some guys can be equally dumb as those typical bimbos on the street.
they talk like this.

guy A: heyy
guy B: heyy
guy A: whats up mannn
guy B: taking the bus mannn, you lehh
guy A: yeah mann.. same mann..
guy B: haha, really? what bus mannn
guy A: "insert bus no. here"
guy B: yeaaahh, same mann.. coool mann..

seriously, when i heard it, i could barely resist the urge to just push them onto the road. speak properly for heaven's sake. if not, dont speak at all. what losers.

haha funny.

tomorrow is OP. damn.

im fat and ugly. part 2 of the sad and fugly life of ben. whats new?

so tonight i'll wish for the moon to drop down. random.

bye.

yang: hahaha, jiayou jiayou. i know what it feels like to be piled under lots of work as well. lol. but i didnt make it out alive. ahaha.

yanz: heyy, haha, hELLO!!! long time no see.. how are you?? take care yea..

why would anyone name their blog the "break up blog" so tell me about stupid man.

anyway, settlers cafe today.

SUMMING IT UP.

FUN.

X)

so im sick of things going other people's way. by hook or by crook, im doing what i want. so there.

pissed, much.

so today was the alevels chinese exam, and i have to say the last passage was fucking emo can? its damn touching lah. like, so so touching. wahhh... i enjoyed the story. it was damn nice.

so i did question 1 for my zuo wen, and i realized no one i asked did the same question as me. ooops? and all my answers are different from others. bleh. dead.

im hoping the sky will fall down tmr. at least thats like something new to marvel at.

enigmatic. what to do what to do...

and thanks people for tagging, im getting damn lazy cann.. haha, will reply real soon, but in short..

thanks eru, whoever you are. :)

yea clara, will invite you one day, we can have a bbq at my place!!! and thanks very much..

and thank you very much dear angeline and shitien, appreciate it.. ALOT. really thankful

be cause there is a need for comic relief in my life.

DOCTOR BENJAMINs HELP COLUMN

Problem: doctor, i tried cutting myself on the wrist, but i didnt die.
Solution: next time you wanna die, die in style, go jump off a cable car after having finish dinner in it.

Problem: doctor, i squeezed this pimple on my face, it bled and it hurts. what should i do?
Solution: next time, DONT squeeze it.

Problem: doctor, tmr is my alevels chinese exams, but im not prepared at all.
Solution: pray really really hard.

Problem: doctor, i keep seeing this gross couple on the train, they really irk me.
Solution: wait for the oppurtune moment, walk up to them and when the door opens, push them onto the track.

lol, so dumb lah

im angry.

im really so angry.

i hate this world for being so unfair, i hate it for being so cruel, i hate it for being so unfeeling.

god, what about all that i believe in? why teach me those things only to destroy them one at a time, little by little, wearing down my resolve? why threaten to take away the people i love?

if my aunt has cancer, i will never forgive you.

im so scared, i really am.

to those irritating philosophers who made life into simple sentences, here are my replies.

"life is a roller coaster, there are its ups and downs"
so when can i stop hanging on for my dear life?

and

"one man's meat is another man's poison"
so when is it my turn to have meat?

haha.


on mon, ms williams was super funny. haha funny.

yesterday i saw an old couple holding hands walking on the pavement, their hair was all white, its like the sweetest thing ever.

but i saw a young couple hugging and kissing on the train. ew. much. go get a room or just hold hands and be sweet. when i want to watch porn i'll let you know, if not, keep it to yourself.

haha

i looked in the mirror today and realized i have a pimple crisis. if there was a f in ugly, that would be me.

project work was actually pretty fun today. :)

why on earth is the laptop so heavy.

i spent too much on taxi fares. fuck.

chinese is 4 days away. ffffff

l.i.f.e => life.is.fucking.enigmatic

look, i found out the secret to life. wahahaha.

-.-

night people

i have no idea why but i feel obliged to type a proper post.

it could be the need to actually reorganise the various shit i've went through in my life. so here goes.

first and foremost, i screwed my promotional exams, period. its like seriously fuc*ed up. i've been using this word pretty frequently lately. damnit. i should probably include my results on this post to remind me of how stupid i am.

math: U
lit: S
hist: U
econs: S
gp: C
chi: B

if they was a "K" score, i could spell my results with "SUUCK" how cool is that.

anyway, i realised that i really am not prepared to retain another year. like anyone would want to go through hell a 2nd time. so being extremely emo, no wait, not really, i wasnt emo, i was depressed. yea, anyway, being depressed, i actually tried cutting myself on the wrist.

it was quite dumb really. trust me. anyway, i didnt die and thats like haha funny.

today the principal said that i could take a retest, heck, everyone could, so here's my 2nd chance at promoting. but im looking at my A levels next year and it looks real bleak. i really want a change of subject combination.

i want chem.
i dont want hist.

please?

so its mugging now. no, pw and chi first. then mugging.

just think, when everyone's kboxing and hanging out. im stuck at home, in the roof garden, cramming my head with facts. which i'll probably forget when i go to sleep. or after dinner. -.-

so yes. life's really fuc*ed up for me. my fault? yes, it pretty much is.

god help me.

take care people.

and thank you everyone.

i appreciate it. really.

thanks... :)

have you ever had the feeling that you really want to cry but the tears simply just wont appear.

to put it simply,

devastated.

i'll try it.

saw this when i was logging in.

FART NOW

thats like haha funny. lol

i think "big girls dont cry" is a nice song. its a nice spin off from the typical vulgur fergie. hahaha.

i think "easy" is nice too. paula deanda was quite hot in the mv. wooo.

so its another 5 more days to the release of my promo's results. maybe a miracle will happen, thats like haha funny though, no, in fact its like hahaha funny, so not going to happen.

ah well. if i do retain. i'll kill myself.

kidding.

but it would be damn sian though. sighhh.

life is a shithole. but hey, when life gives you shit, make shitnade. yeaa..

im off to make my shitnade now, tell me if you want some yah? lol.

sick.

replies:

liwee: heyy!! how are you!!?? go out soon okay? and go kbox with the rest of us! LOL. MISS YA!!

yang: heyyy my dear dear auntie. hahahahas, actually you really dont look like a pink person. no one believes it lahh.. hahas. eh go out soon lah. sooon as in REAL SOOON. b4 i get my promos result. lol

passerby: whoever you are. THANKS!! X))

naz: forget your head, how can i ever forget you. but im afraid you'll be too busy for me. in fact that day i was just thinking about the our time in the reading room together. hahas. it seems just like yesterday. sighh.. how're you doing? update me. X))

angel: heyy!! hows your arm now? better already? go out soon lah. you missed that day.. take care arhh.. cya soon!!

because im simply so touched.

so im dedicating this to you.

THANK YOU CLARA. (you said you liked pink. lol)

you're a real good friend. hahahahas, so corny. but yah.

thanks alot. really.

so it begins. strictly speaking, 3 days of horror, hahas, if i said i wasnt afraid, i would be the biggest liar in the world. but i guess being afraid doesnt help, i just have to do the best i can.

good luck to my class. im sure we'll all get promoted. :)

oh shitien, good luck too!!

hypertension or high blood pressure.

so two weeks later i need to return for a check up. doctor said it may due to stress.

so thats whats wrong with me. ah well, i just pray there arent more complications cause hypertension may end up in organ damage. yikes.

so again its a two days mc and i missed the last two days of school. i hate myself. i really do. for falling ill so constantly. stupid ben. take care of yourself can?

it is not true you need to be happy to sing. lol. i watched "lovin you" and cried, and sang better. LOL!! damn funny lah. nah, im not emoing, the video is just so damn kick ass sad lah. esp when the girl let go of his hand.. and when she held the cross, and then the car accident happened.

omgomgomgomg. its frigging sad.

lol.

so while the days while by, when i get sick of all the horrible studying, i go back to my songs and start screaming awayy.. hahahahas. and the pains of raising your octave range. lol.

promos are just a week away now. good luck everyone and to my pj dudes, JIAYOU! hahas, you guys can do it!!

im so sad.

lovin you...

ahhhh.. sighhh.. so sad.

loll

replies:

yang: heyy auntie.. thanks. i will. ahahahas, how are U?? doing fine not?? hahas. call me when my promos are over to catch up yah? and meet! meet! meet! loll take care!

Q: lol, yes senses is the right word to use. thanks yuan. hahahas. you jiayou too!! i expect to see As for all your subjects arhh.. no stress though. you can do it!

siokxin: lol, its a small thing. but ure welcome anyway. lol. study hard gal. promote promote promote! loll

sophie: i guess i do. you work hard for your promos too! :)

angela: hahahas hey econs gurll, it is. dont pon arh! and bring your lect notes lahh. hahahas. cya tmr. eh eh, find one day, do math and econs! study study study... go go go! lol.

end replies

dear lord,

ure right. i have sinned terribly. but im ready to serve you again. and this time, dont let me fail you.

and im sorry you guys.

i dont know how else to put this. im just sorry.

and from now on,

its not my job to make you happy. but to share whatever happiness i have with you

its not my job to support you just to make you feel good. but to tell you when ure doing something wrong or having wrong ideas about anything.

its not my job to comfort you and try to carry all your problems. but to care and remind you that there are still those who do. your pain is what i share, not your problems.

its not my job to bring a smile to your face. but for me to remind you that your face is yours and only yours. you decide if you'll cry or smile.

:)

its love and sincerity that touches people hearts. obviously ive long forgotten this. yea.

i'll rmb this. I WILL!!

lol.

it turned out pretty serious after all. so its a 2 days mc for me. with loads of horrible pills i need to swallow. i wish there was something i could do about my health but apparently not.

anyway. im pretty much focused on my studies now, it helps when you're just thinking about what you're suppose to put in your essay. lol

if its one thing i've learnt over this incident is, dont try to help, never try to help. mind your own business, or rather mind my own business. dont care, dont ask, dont bother.

dear lord. tell me what am i suppose to do. ive been like this for so long, only to realize i may be a victim of a personality disorder? are my values system that wrong? are my beliefs that irrational?

the answers are probably yes.

i guess if all of you are right, then yes, im suffering from certain mental disorders. simply put im crazy.

well if it helps.

i would rather be in a asylum.

then change who i am.

this way, i can be who i want to be, and you dont have to worry about people like me.

there is something wrong with me.

and the doctor didnt tell me what it was, he just gave me alot of medicine and even supplements.

hahas.

no im too giddy to find it funny.

maybe i might just suddenly shut down.

and a sorethroat is coming. i can feel it.

and nosebleeds are back.

look the computer screen is spinning. so cool
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

why am i so afraid,
to crash down and lose my heart again,
dont know cant see,
whats come over me.

INNOCENT EYES

Do you remember when you were 7?
And the only thing that you wanted to do
Was show your mum that you could play piano
Ten years have passed
And the one thing that will last
Is that same old song that we played along and made my mumma cry

I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you wont grow old, In a place you wont feel cold
And I’ll sing

Da da da da da da Da da da da
Seems im lost in my reflection
Da da da da da da Da da da da
Find a star for my direction
Da da da da da da Da da da da
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
Don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes

Do you remember when you were 15?
And the kids at school called you a fool 'cause you took the chance to dream
In the time that’s passed and the one thing that will last
Is that same old song that we played along that made my daddy cry

I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you wont grow old, in a place you wont feel cold

Da da da da da da Da da da da
Seems im lost in my reflection
Da da da da da da Da da da da
Find a star for my direction
Da da da da da da Da da da da
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
Don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes

Under my feelings, under my skin
Under the thoughts from within
Learning the subtext of the mind
See creation, how we’re defined

My innocent eyes

I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you wont grow old, in a place you wont feel cold

Da da da da da da Da da da da
Seems im lost in my reflection
Da da da da da da Da da da da
Find a star for my direction
Da da da da da da Da da da da
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
Don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes

Da da da da da da Da da da da
Faith and innocent eyes

Faith and innocent eyes
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
Don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ive seen enough to know that you either survive for yourself or you dont survive at all.
no one will look after you, you only have yourself to depend on.
sincerity is but a huge sandcastle which crumbles when the waves wash it over
love is but a beautiful rainbow that is just as real as it can be touched.
faith is but a glass of water you use to put out a raging fire.
dreams are drugs you get hooked on to escape reality
lies and hurt are all that you will recieve if you give your heart away.

in conclusion, be selfish, be unscrupulous, be ruthless, be hypocritical, be wicked. the world revolves around you. strike or you will be struck. kill or die








i rather die.

my head is getting very heavy. its so heavy and i dont have the strength to lift the weight.

its too heavy

NEVER EVER

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

My head's spinning
Boy, I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate

I'll take a shower, I will scour
I will rub
To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Vexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling
won't last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

I'll keep searching
Deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more

I need peace, got to feel at ease
Need to be.
Free from pain - going insane
My heart aches, yeah

Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy,
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When ya gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right x4

You can tell me to my face,
You can tell me on the phone,
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
'Cause I really need to know

You can tell me to my face
You can tell me on the phone
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
'Cause I really need to know

You can write it in a letter, babe
You can write it in a letter, babe
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

from now on, i'll never trust anyone.

life's a mess. but im glad its the holidays, the past few days at home was mundane but at least i was kind of happy. yea, been really busy taking over dinner cooking, but i enjoy it, hanging out with mum at home is nice too.

actually its kind of refreshing. especially when i cook breakfast for everyone. hahahas.

i miss this kind of stress free, problem free life. when everything's simple and sweet. abit boring but strangely refreshing as well.

sadly it isnt going to last long

im still plagued by those horrendous memories, those seemingly endless problems. i want to find a way out of this, i want to smile again. i want to be happy. im not asking too much am i?

anyway.

i find old people very soothing. whenever i sit on the train, if theres an old lady beside me, i'll always feel calm and happy. hahas, so wierd right? but they just have this simple, this pure and uncomplicated aura around them. and it just feels so nice.

lol. im kind of wierd lah.

replies

yang: hahahas, okayy, that love thing is who say one? quite cheem lehh.. hahas. im still not sure lehh. ahahas, thanks for always coming, and for all the encouragement, it helps. alot. tyvm X) catch up sooon!!

sophie: hahahahas, yea, chinese, but easier said than done. im not that strong. so i cant do it. and its a cheem text. wahahahahas, cya arnd!!! and what happen to our mugging plan?? loll

passerby: hellooo, i think maybe i should talk to someone after all. but will it help? my problems wont disappear by talking. but i guess is worth a try. yups

yanz: hEYY, ahahhas yahh!! so long nv talk liao!! and meet! ahahhas, really arh?? i tot they broke up liao. ahahahhas. but its nice to see them tgth though, quite a cute couple. ahhas you take care too!! miss ya as well!! haahas, cya some time soon!!

end replies

ratatouille is nice. catch it. really good.

realized i miss my PJ friends very much. you guys always manage to make me forget my problems, and we have so much fun together and we laugh and craze around. thanks alot. i really needed that short break.

there are just things that i cant deal with. and it doesnt help when no one understands. of course its no one's problem that they dont. i shouldnt seek to be understood anyway. but im just saying, it doesnt help.

mum and dad, you have your problems, i understand. i really do. i am aware of your problems and stress, your difficulties at work, financial constraints.. everything. but from your perspective, can the both of you try to understand me as well? maybe compared to the both of you, my problems may be trivial but still, they are problems nonetheless.

you dont see me giving you added pressure do you?

ahh, but you wont see this anyway. so yeah. im just voicing out my frustrations to a blog. lol. maybe to god. yea.

im going to forget you.

im contemplating quiting school.

replies:

naz: heyy!! thanks for tagging.. ahh, its been so long since i last talk to you. i miss you very much. im sorry for the all the gloom. things just arent going quite well for me. but hey, hope you are doing great! update me ok?

edwina: thank you dear edwina, your presence is ever so comfortingg.. :) you're right, some people dont even have the chance to live and its so tragic, imagine the pain and grief his loved ones have to go thru.. and he will never get to be with any of them again. its unfair, why he has to suffer so. if i could, i wish i could take his place. its really so tragic. and it makes me mad why god willed it this way. god oh god, why??

sophie: bruda... thanks for all the advice today. you make a lot of sense, but sadly im not sensible, never was. my emotions have always ruled me and its just really really hard for me to keep trying. i dont know what to do. i really dont.

yang: heyyy clara!! hahas, really long time no talk. sadly everytime you come you must be overwhelmed by my depressing posts. hahas, im really sorry, hopefully life is going well for you. hahas not exactly, regarding your take on love, because if you have no feelings, there is no love, it has to be tgth, not seperate. but i agree its the feelings that hurt, and not love itself. i wish i was happy too. i really wish i was. siao dont apologise, i really appreciate the concern, thanks so much.. it helps. it really does.

sihui: hey S!! hahas, i know lah, i just had to ranted and vent my feelings that day, i still love her very much, but sometimes her insentivity and overbearing ways can get to me. but no matter what, i know she loves me.. very much. hahas, are we still gg back to css this friday?

someone: hello someone, unfilial is an understatement, i was a horrible ingrate, a disgusting bastard. hahas, yea. but i still had to find a way to vent my feelings. and i dont think shouting at my mum would be nice. killing myself is stupid too. but sometimes when everything crashes down on you, and you just cant take it. it just feels better to give up. maybe im weaker than others. but i no longer want to try, not after the same thing can happen time and time again, im tired. very tired. and it doesnt help when all other problems happen concurrently. haiz. but you do make sense, i guess. so yea, thanks

shitien: heyyyy, hahas, praying.. i wonder if god will even hear me. im such a loser, he probably hates me alr. okay, maybe not, but i bet he's upset with me for being so worthless and dejected. haiz. i miss god. very much. thanks shitien.. cya around in school..

end replies.

i really dont want to try anymore. i cant handle everything.

and it hurts so much to be hurt so many times.

im only human. a weak one.

i cannot keep going through the same pain over and over again. i cant.

let us study math today.

happiness = sadness

this is because happiness can "cancel" off happiness. watch.

happiness - sadness = 0

see!

sadly this equation does not apply to me.

my equation is

happiness < sadness

and i'll never be happy. watch.

sadness - happiness > 0

sigh.

of course, its all a matter of perception. you may think my life is happiness > sadness. you may be right.

and if you are. then what happened to my smiles and laughter?

i AM clinically depressed. found a book on depression my mum bought a few years back. there were a list of symptoms there, the only one that didnt qualify is "irregularities of period" hahas. of course, i dont have it cause i aint female.

if not maybe. i'll have it too.

but so what if im clinically depressed? my problems stay, my unhappiness stays, my feelings of loss and grief stay... all my negativity stays. being clinically depressed only means im too weak to deal with things.

maybe i do need the counsellor.

its worth a shot i guess.

or maybe i really need to run away from it all. live in a world of my own. no matter how nonsensical and fantasy-like it is. at least there, things are so simple.. so so simple.

i need a break.

but theres no stopping for me.

my lord, no more breathing please...

i dont know how much more i can take this. it hurts too much for me to bear, but yet i want to persevere and keep holding on. i dont want to lose my feelings, but why is it that i have to cry?

isnt loving someone suppose to be beautiful?

guess not.

but its suppose to be selfless anyway so i shouldnt bother about my emotions. as long as you're happy. then so am i. yups.

its just so hard.

sighs. why do i always suffer this way?

constantly torn in between my own self interests and others.

anyway, someone said i had a very strong mind, strong as in it can affect my body very easily. and i kind of agree. but it happens to be subconcious though, when im conscious, my mind is damn weak lah.

lol.

im really quite tired.

actually, im really very tired. i appear sad because i am but i smile because i dont want you to worry and i hide because i dont want you to see me unhappy.

but its so tiring.

my balloon isnt blown out of proportion. i think it isnt fair to say that our problems are like balloons. its not like as if we purposely blow them up, we arent retarded you know? who would purposely blow big balloons and bring misery to themselves?

ever thought sometimes its the environment that causes the balloon to expand? like heat from the environment? of course there can be no total absolving of one's own guilt. but there are other factors in play as well.

ahh. i dont care already lah.

im tired.

very.

but im going to keep trying. to keep loving. even if i have to keep hurting. i guess this is how god must feel all the time.

loving someone doesnt mean owning someone.

loving someone doesnt mean spending infinite amount of time together

loving someone is irrational.

loving someone means when that person is happy, you're happy too.

loving someone means sacrificing anything for that person.

loving someone means thinking about how to make that person smile.

loving someone means taking away all that person's pain and suffering.

loving someone hurts.

and thats the way it goes.

hahas.

and today i was treated very unfairly. but i dont even want to explain myself, or defend myself. why should i anyway? it doesnt even matter.

i tire of school.

im tired of trying.

why should i anyway?

everyone seems to think im this lazy useless freeloading good for nothing anyway.

and its my fault.

again.

so why should i bother anyway.

replies:

unnamed: hello!! who are you? do i know you? hmms, its also ridiculous why everything around my life has to revolve around that cert anyway. its damn stupid. arent other things impt too??

you know, i really believe that deep down inside, you guys really do care for me, are worried for me and really want me to be happy. and i truely do appreciate that, i do.

but i think i need to let you know that, in the course of caring, you really hurt me as well. i mean really, is what i believe in so wrong? tell me. give me a definite answer, and why so? and if what i believe in is wrong, that what makes yours right?

please dont get me wrong, i dont question your own values and morals, i dont think they are wrong either, but is my beliefs wrong only because of your inability to accept that im different or is it really because im wrong?

am i wrong to place complete trust in my friends?
am i wrong to want to go out of my way to make others happy?

i admit. i have faults. PLENTY of them. and i need you to point them out to me. i dont mind, i appreciate it in fact.

but why do you want to change the way i treat others?

everyone asks me why i try so hard, why am i so naive, why am i so stubborn.

but isnt it worth it? i was able to do what i do for such a long time because your smiles and laughs are reward enough for me. i love to see that smile on your face, i love the sound of your laughters. thats all! and i would do anything to be able to bring that smile to your face, to hear you laugh. when you guys are happy, so am i.

is that so hard to understand?

things like money, if i could actually use money to buy this happiness no matter how insignificant, why not? if i have to go a little extra mile for you just so you can be happier, no matter how little it is, why not?

the problem is that, you guys dont laugh and smile anymore. in fact sometimes im labelled as dumb, silly. how would i feel then?

i dont think im noble. i dont think im saintlike. not in the least bit, in fact i think the worst of myself because i know of all my weaknesses and sins. BUT! i am proud and so glad to call you guys my friends. i would not hesitate to say that my friends are better than others. i can brag about you guys all day. because despite all my shortcomings, i always felt you all would continue to be there for me, to support me and help me. to also try and understand how i feel.

my thinking and ideals arent wrong. and you know it hurts when you tell me i cannot survive when i go out into society next time. so what makes you think you all will? everyone is so determined im doomed when i move on, INCLUDING my parents.

obviously you all have no idea how much it hurts when you tell someone that. mum and dad as well, stop telling me how i should live. stop telling me how this person is bad and that person is evil!! and the rest of you too!! its sickening. i place my all my trust in all of you because i believe that none of you would ever want to hurt me. and until now. I STILL DO BELIEVE THAT! so unless you guys have been using me, why are you so afraid of me trusting everyone?

yes. i understand that there will definitely be people who will hurt me, who will use me and eventually destroy me. but, so? you mean just because of that i have to start doubting? i have to lose complete trust in all of you? dont you find it sad? that you cant even trust those around you.

im sorry, but i may be sad when one day someone bad tries to ruin me. but you guys will always be sad because you cant even trust those around you.

also you do not understand the concept of happiness is not about how much you have, but how much you share.

and you will never understand the meaning of love because there you wont even want to sacrifice your own self interests. (smth that i havent really been able to do as well)

guess what. im tired of trying to explain myself already. im so sick and tired of people telling me what to do, sick and tired of people disregarding my feelings, disregard the fact that i can be upset and yet do nothing to prevent it.

but im going to go on living the way i want to. i dont care about the future. dont care about what happens tomorrow or next year or etc etc. because i always believe if i meet with any mishaps tmr. at least i will die not regreting the way i lived.

is it the same with you?

when your life flashes past you, would you have wished you lived differently?

so yea, im going to continue being naive as so you call it. im going to continue being foolish and believe anything you tell me. and i would go on trying hard to make those i love happy.

thats my choice. and if you really are my friend, you will support me. if not, then nevermind.

no my anger isnt abated. nor is my indignance. but i tire of petty ways and silly schemes.

and i shouldnt have to cheapen myself to stoop to your level. i shouldnt have to go against my conscience, my heart and morals. i compromise nothing, and you will get no satisfaction out of the situation.

my lord, i believe you who are all seeing, will see that the wicked are punished duely. myself included. but i accept your judgement and your punishment. and i really mean to repent for my sins. pray, do forgive me my lord. as always. but do put the wicked to rest.

i ask for your strength, your grace, your guidance to lead me to the right path. and that this time i may stay on this path.

i apologize again for those i may have hurt. but your forgiveness is not what i seek. your forgiveness means nothing anyway. not if you're guilty of exactly the same. but apologies are due when they are due. and i'll say it anyway.

ahhh. its nice to go back to silly ideals and daydreams. complete with a tinge of reality this time as well. i cant hate you. but i cant love you either. lol. how controversial.

cheem.

yup.

not my problem though.

i will master the art of all NOT seeing.

woke up with a horrendous headache today. thanks head. i feel so great now.. well done head, well done.

now i missed math consultation. shit it.
along with my history retest.
wtf.

an old song. but still sad all the same.

[Verse 1 - Aundrea]
Lately, I've been tryna fight whatever's pulling us under
it's got a hold and really making me wonder
what it takes to get through
I gotta stick with you, my baby
Baby tell me:
Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting
But being without you I can't imagine
It's just to close to the heart and
And I won't stand it if were broken apart

[Chorus - Group]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby

[Verse 2 - Dawn]
We've been cutting it close with the backwards & forwards
It's rocking the boat; we gotta get control of this
Let's take it back to three years ago
When you said that we could make it through whatever, ever
And to me it sounded like you meant forever, ever
Leaving was not an option, baby, never, never
Now don't you believe in a love that's worth a fight
In you is everything that I'm missing
So give us a chance

[Chorus]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby

[Verse 3 - D. Woods]
Don't you dare tell me we gotta let it go...
We been on top for too long just to let it go under
I don't wanna hear that
I just can't hear that
and know
Wherever you wanna take me
I'll go
I been with you for too long to start over with another
I know that you hear me
Just tell me you hear me

[Chorus]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

why do things hurt so much sometimes? why do i give my feelings so easily and always end up with nothing but hurt.

yah, i wish i wasnt emo too. maybe if i was a cold blooded animal, then hey yea, i wont. good idea there huh? definitely worth thinking over.

ahh shit everything lah. im sick of whatever F*** is going on in my life. heck who isnt? i aint the only one suffering, but somehow it doesnt make the pain any lesser.. doesnt make me feel any better.

i think im really immature, because i am so swayed by my emotions. i lack the resilience. i am weak. but i dont want to be strong, what for?

and then everyone will tell me, dont think about anything other than your studies, focus on your studies, pass your promos, get your good Alevel grades, get into your prefered course in university then get a well paid job, raise a family, be successful and so on

bullshit! why? because i refuse to believe my life revolves only around all these things. i refuse to believe im living only to obtain a freaking cert.

im sick. im tired. sick and tired of everyone who keep emphasising about my results, my work, school, promos, alevels whatever! im a human, not a program, i have feelings, have thoughts, have a limit. maybe your limit is bigger than mine, but thats why you are you and i am me.

what future? what this what that. i dont care anymore. enough already.
maybe im really not cut out for studying. im starting to believe i will never be able to make it. but nobody cares anyway, my parents wont understand. but if its one thing im most tired of, is studying just to make my parents happy. its always been like this, the moment i recieve good results is about oh, mum will be so happy. she will smile and be so cheerful. but im not. to me, good results is just to make my mum and dad happy, because i love my parents very much and i dont want to let them down. but i cant do it anymore. im too tired, its not in me to study. i wish they'll stop forcing me.

im being so selfish. but im tired of trying to put myself in another person's shoes. why dont someone do that for me instead?

im sick of trying to please everyone.

and i think i really dont want to do that anymore.

im sorry my lord.

hahas theres far too many things to talk about. but im not interested in talking about them.

but.

edwina's back! wooo!!

i finally got to catch up with bruda!! wooo!!

angela spoke lots of sense to me. hahas. thanks alot.

i'll never forget the 16th of august. and im not telling anyone why. lol

hahas. yups

and i got this from bruda's blog

1. The phone rings, who do you want it
to be?
lol. its a secret

2. When shopping at the grocery store,
do you return your cart?
yes! cause im nice. and of course, theres a dollar in it too. hahas

3. If you had to kiss the last person
you kissed again, would you?
hahas. yes

4. Do you take compliments well?
no. but i still like them anyway. hahahas

5. Do you play Sudoku?
whats that?

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
dont abandon me!!

7. If your house were on fire, what would be the things you would save?
i dont have a house. i have a home. LOL!

8. Who was the last person you slept in the bed with?
hahahas. er.. nvm

9. Who do you text the most?
its a secret too. heehees

10. Favorite childrens book?
enid blyton!!

11. Eye color?
black

12. How tall are you?
no im short

13. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
not this time

15. When was the last time you were at
Botanic Garden?
hahas, recently!!

16. Favorite ex?
hmm.. i like explain, no wait, i like extort, no, maybe excuse......

17. Where was the furthest place you
traveled?
dont know, it was too far away.. LOL

18. Do you like mustard?
the yellow icky gooey stuff? yes.

19. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
i prefer to sleep AND eat

21. Do you miss anyone?
no i miss someone

22. Can you do splits?
i can do combines

23. What movie do you want to see
right now?
evan almighty

24. What did you do for New Years Eve?
i shitted.

25. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
yes.

26. Do you own a camera phone?
i would if you gave me one

27. Are you a cheerleader?
no, i am many. LOL

28. Whats the last letter of your middle name?
the letter is "e"

29. Are you hispanic?
no im herpanic

31. Do you like care bears?
i like care. dont like bears

32. What do you buy at the Movies?
wheres the Movies?

33. Do you know how to play poker?
is it hot?

34. Do you wear your seatbelt?
i dont have one. :(

35. What do you wear to sleep?
i wear a bikini. so there. LOLLL!!!!

36. Anything big ever happen in town
area?
yah. i saw the very BIG sky

37. Is your hair straight or curly?
i dont know. i'll ask.

38. Is your tongue pierced?
would you pierce your eyeball?

39. Do you like Liver and Onions?
im not so sure about YOU, but I am okay with them.

40. Do you like funny or serious
people better?
i like all sorts of people. yah right

41. Ever been to L.A.?
no

42. Who is on your mind right now?
hahahas. another secret

43.any plans 4 tonight?
yes. a long and dreary trip to my grandma's house

44. Whats your fav. song at the moment?
gotta go my own way

45. Do you hate chocolate?
yes. cause they make me fat

46. What do you and your parents fight
about the most?
we fight about how naive and idealistic i am.

47. Are you a gullible person?
erm. actually it depends.

48. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
hehes. im not sure. but i would be happy of course.

49. If you could have any job what
would it be?
for now, i want to be a waiter.. serving people is so fun

50. Are you easy to get along with?
ehhh. hahas

51. What is your favorite time of day?
i like night.

52. Are you generally a happy person?
hahas. actually i am. but im also generally a emotional kid. LOL

replies:

naz: nAZ!!! hahahhas, yayyy.. i miss you soo.. hahas, nothing happened lah. i just.. feel that way. ahaahas. im so sorry if it depresses you.. maybe i should delete that post. yups. hahahahas. how are you?? doing fine?? unpack alr?? missing me?? LOL!! take lotsa care!!!! X)) I MISS YOU!

angela: hahas. thanks. i guess ure right. but im like too imperfect alr. loll. yahh.. cya soon!!! X))

end replies

i just watch dbsk cry.

and i cried HARDER THAN EVER.

thanks.

lol.

inspiration.

my "so much, and/but" list

- i have so much to do. but im not going to do it.
- i have so much to say. but im not going to say it.
- i have so much to exercise. and im going to do it
- i have so much fats. and im so sad.
- i have so much complaints. and im going to complain anyway.
- i have so much anger. but im not going to be angry
- i have so much money. but its monopoly money. :(
- i have so much to pray. and im going to do it.
- i have so much to so much. but im not going to so much anymore.

hahahhas. tell me about random.

i think my fuse in incredibly short these days. of course, it still takes alot for me to blow up in front of others. but actually im KA-BA-BOOMING away in me. hahas. i have no idea how i can make something so serious sound so silly. ahahahas.

i need a break. i need to go into insolation. i need to be a hermit. i need a cave, where i can hide in. but the cave must have aircon, a bible, a kitchen, a fridge, a uzap, a exercising machine, a computer, a phone, a bed, a tv, cable, bathroom and a cat. i'll bring my dbsk ipod along with me too. but you dont have to know that. hahahas. anyone know where i can find this cave?

lol.

i just need to be alone. to be with god. to learn how to serve others again. to learn how to be more forgiving, be more compassionate, be more selfless, be more accepting, be more sensitive and be more godly. wahh.. i think i should have a "be more" list too. hahas

(im sorry, i just realize that whatever i typed below is very.. erm.. disturbing. i wouldnt suggest reading it. i only typed it out, because its my only way to vent everything im withholding. so please dont go on, if you dont like disturbing stuff, im very serious about it.)

im dead serious.

im really considering distancing myself from everyone before i become a major pest and asshole. or maybe i already am. then in that case, i want to distance myself from everyone before i become a bloody effing bastard. or have i also reached that stage already? lol.

lord, save me.

it hurts to see myself slip furthur into a monstrous state. it doesnt only hurt, it scares me. am i capable of such evil things?? i am. and its so... so.. disgusting, hateful, so.. wrongg.

i dont think im emoing, im not. im reflecting, and what i see in my reflection is this.. this... THING. this FREAK.

and the problem is, i cant change! i dont know how to. it isnt so simple like, hey im wrong, i need to change, that sort of thing anymore. i utterly abhor myself. and why shouldnt i? and why shouldnt others? i have a million apologies to say. i want to say sorry to you, and you and you you you... i have a million things to make up for my mistake.. i have a million things to be forgiven.

but even if you were kind enough to forgive me, i wouldnt forgive myself. my lord, you would forgive me, but i wouldnt. if there was this lift that allowed me to go to heaven and hell, i would go to hell instead. because i feel i belong there.

this is what happens when i try to take over my life. good job ben. look at all thats happened? you have no one but yourself to blame. you forsake your beliefs, you forsaked the lord, and you forsaked your heart. you chose this path. and now you have to suffer for it.

maybe you think im just making a big hoo-ha out of nothing. but i know very well how much i've changed, the things im capable of doing, the hurt that i can cause, the schemes and plots. the twisting of my mind. the warped thoughts in my head.

i no longer trust myself enough to be around people.

ive become the very person that ive sought to avoid my entire life. someone who lives only for himself, who destroys others to ensure his own survival. someone who believes the world is a dark place full of deciet, lies and self preservation. realitist? i dont think so. try BEAST, CREATURE, IT

I REALY REALLY HATE THIS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I ABHOR WHAT IVE BECOME!!!

yea, i would destroy myself. i would. if only i wasnt so afraid of the pain. and there you go. something more to add about myself. a coward.

tell me, dont i just rock the world.

ben. u sick bastard. just do everyone a favour and disappear.

its no longer called monday blues. its monday blacks. cause right now my face is damn black, i.e. im damn pissed lah. its already crazy that we have lots and lot aND LOTS of work to do, but the school has to arrange a timetable such that we end at 6.30!! and not forgetting that bludy PE is the last lesson.

its so not fun for people like me who requires an hour just to arrive home. its draining, tiring, pissing, and anything negative that ends with a ING.

ahh. whatever.

loud ringtones are funny. hawhawhaw.. -.- i'll beat you anytime with my dbsk ringtones. so there.. if i had my old hp that is. lol

there is a HISTORY TEST tomorrow. guess what? i dont care. im too frigging tired.

and i'll complain ALL i like because i have the right to. because this is HORRIBLE!! its just plain mean!!! its torture!! oh the trUAMA!!!

damn drama lah. ahahhas

if there was a wishing star now, i'll wish i'll be ill tomorrow. no wait, i'll wish for dbsk new album to come tmr THEN i'll wish to be ill tomorrow. hahas
unfortunately the only stars i see now are those floating around my head.. so prettyyy..

haha.

anyway, on a happy note, edwina's coming back this thursday.. hahas, i did miss her.. even though... SHES ONE HELL OF A MEAN!! hahahahas.. oops. i hope she doesnt depreive me of my present just cause i said that. hahahas

anyway, today yuzhe said there should be a cliff named after me, something along the line of saint ben's cliff, why a cliff? cause he said thats what i'll do, jump off a cliff. anyway, i dont think its saint ben's cliff, its more like the emo devil cliff. but who cares. its still cool to have a cliff named after me..

the 9th wonder of the world... "EMO DEVIL"S CLIFF" instant cure for emoness. just jump off.

lmao.

anywayyyy... after blogging, i shall go to my bed and then i'll faint. you know i used to play this game called HARVEST MOON, where you're suppose to be this farmer and look after your farm. and when you worked too much, you turn blue in the face, and if you continue without taking heed, you'll faint.

how random.

but i like it anyway.

ironically, i named the farmer ben.

cool.

and im just going on and on and on and on.

i need to faint now.

bye. lolll

replies:

angela: hahahas, im too tired to do anything already. i dont even feel like dbsking now.. hahahas and you, dont drive a wedge between me and siokxin ok? rahhh.. you horrible person.. ahahahaas. kdkd. good luck studying for history!!

siokxin: hahahas, i hope i stay true to it too man. and whats with the archaic language these days.. hahas, everybody's where art thouing, thou shalt.. come on man. whatever happen to plain old english?? ahahahas. ure not a pj buddy lah. ure in aj now, so ure a aj buddyy,, ahahaas

sophie: remember what i said about singing songs ok? hahas, sometimes people really dont mean what they say, so just treat it like they singing a really bad song which you dislike, and not listen lah. hahas. cheer up ok?? dont let me catch your bad vibes again.. hahas. and yes! lets go out soon!! X) dont worry, im coping well too. i think. hahas.. yahh..

end replies.

and i just realized. i miss my pj buddies so very much.

where are all of you!!!??

X(

and naz. i miss u too. grah.

and so the long weekends are coming to an end. and its back to school again. and I NEED TO EXERCISE!! hahas. i never thought i'll be saying this lah. but yah. i shall start an exercise regime. if food and sleep doesnt win me over that is. hahahas

yesterday night was kind of... enlightening. yet kind of sad as well. hahas. i think experiences with god are cool, yet they always change you in certain ways. well, i hope this time the change stays for good. :)

and now i bid farewell to my emo days!! hahahas. there can no longer be such thing as emo. hahas, not in the bad way as least. no more wallowing in self pity, no more hating myself, no more this and that and the endless list of blah blah blah etc etc etc... hahahhas

im praying again.

cool.

and im praying for EVERYONE. its hard to imagine how but it can be done ok!!

i realize if love can be given a real value, we'll all be the richest people on earth!! cause its the one thing that you give but yet have more of. hahas. so darn cool.

pending assignments.

nightmare.

ew.

begone.

lol.

and i would like to say, the world is SO NICE!!! and i am NOT retarded. stop giving me that look. ahahahas.

wheres my lunch!! rahhh

hahas.

heres a BIG HEART out to everyone!! lolll

replies:

syafs: hahahas thankew dear syaff.. hahas, you've always been a real comfort.. and you should know, you're worth so so much more as well.. sometimes it would seem that the world just doesnt seem to have room for you. but thats never true. well at least there will always be room for you in my heart. lol. so cheesy lah. but heyy.. dont give up on yourself. things will get better, you just have to believe in people, believe in the world, believe in yourself. have faith k? things WILL work out right. i just know it X)

angela: ahahahahas, dont worryy lahh.. i dont think i'll ever be emo again. hahas, or at least i will try my very best. and and and.. im so waiting for dbsk's new album!!! arent you just excited?? loll. cya in skool!! X)

edwina: hello edwina!! hahahas. eeeyer, boycott my blog. so mean lahh.. ahahas. but understandable i suppose. i think my blog does have this really depressing effect. wahahahas. maybe i'll go change the blogskin after all.. hmmms.. and cya real real soon!!! X))

siokxin: hahahas, dont feel guilty lehh.. hahas ure making me feel guilty as well. haahh.. pw is just another subject in school. lets just do our best lah. yah? hahas. dont think so much about it. yups see ya in skool!! hahas. and i think i might actually look forward to gg to school. hees X)

sophie: heyyy dear brudaaa. hahas yahh. alot of problems, sometimes when theres too many problems, maybe we should actually think about how some may be self inflicted? hahas, cause i realized that all of my problems came from myself, im not sure.. but in anycase, sometimes it helps not to think about them, just hope for the best. you never know what might happen tmr, things may get better. and in the end. they will! so yah. dont dwell too much on them. for every sad thing that you face, theres always one happy thing to be glad about. really. you just have to find it. take care ok? hahas, if you need someone to talk to, find me!! yah? X))

end replies.

dear god. my replies are frigging longgg.. hahahas

I have decided i shall not let Project Work spoil things. I mean seriously, it is not true that project work brings out someone's real character. To judge someone based on some silly, A Level subject is just plain silly, a PW score reflects our ability to work as a group, our creativity, our effort.. NOT our characters.

Now thats being judgemental. And I have been judgemental. Well, it just goes to show how much more i suck.

Dear lord, tell me how to stop judging and start loving. where's mother theresa's spirit i need so badly now?? "when you judge, you do not love" so wheres the love?? wheres my love??

i am in every aspect wrong and im still finding it so hard to change.

im sorry, im sorry to all my friends out there if i ever judge you, if i ever hurt you in any way. there is no excuse, i AM at fault. and i will try to change.. i just hope i change quickly.

sometimes doing the right thing is just so hard, its so hard to know that you are going to have to compromise your own self interests just to do the right thing. but.. that isnt reason enough to do otherwise. ahhh.. how blind i have been. how selfish and self centered.

and all thats got to change.

i believe in people's good. yet i pick on their bad.

how ironic. and hypocritical.

omg.. i think i can go on listing a million bad things about myself.

i have NO self worth.

i think im the kind of person who gets murdered and people think im on a faraway holiday in timbuktu.

lol.

i want my innocence back. even if i have to be subjected as immature, childish and retarded. i want to be naive. because naive people dont plot, naive people dont hurt others, naive people dont think. they just follow their heart, they do what their heart deems right.

so yea. i want to be naive. i dont care about reality. i really dont. to hell with it for all i care. so what if i have no money, so what if i dont have riches and a comfortable life? so what if there are no big houses and cars. i dont care.

i would rather be the poorest happiest person who brings warmth to others

then be the richest saddest person who will never know what contentment is.

so yah.

naiveity!!! here i come!!!!

hahahahas.

i think i found my problem.

X))

today is national day. and guess how i spent it? i read harry potter. book 7. lol

you know im kind of convinced, characters die in a book only because the authors get too tired of thinking about your future roles. its so much more convenient to just avada kadevra and get it over with. lol. it makes things so much easier.

lazy authors.

hahas. dont be lazy lah.

tsk.

and then there was pw work to be done. i think my head nearly dropped off. my head was never one for much brainstorming anyway.. cause there isnt much brain in there too.

hahas. whatever lah.

im stupid. so yah.

i think singing requires you to be happy. cause when im upset.. my voice comes out all wrongg. so yah. lol. must be happy. maybe theres some artificial stimulant i can take to make myself more happy. lol. but the only one i know of is drugs. and i hate them. nvm. i'll try chocs. hahahas

im short. fat. stupid. fugly.

and thats how life goes

tell me about it.

byeee

replies:

edwina: hahas.. im emoing quite alot these few days. so upsetting. hahas. i hope i'll get over it soon. rahhh.. how can you not miss me? anyway.. u'll be back soon!! lol. hows your voice?? getting better? hahas. take care yah?? (X

end replies

hahas. what a nice day today. so many nice nice nice FAB photos!! hahas. but no, im not uploading them today. so there. hahahahas.

missed camwhoring with sophie.. hahahas. so fun..

and let me tell you, mr tan is seriously... F U N N Y. im dead serious. LOL!! hahahas, when i got my haircut, he was like, your haircut looks nice. hahas so nice right?? wait.. he added, at least you look like a human now. GRAHHH!! and photo taking. omg. lmao off lah. hahahahas

i wish naz was here too. oh wth. i miss you.

anywayy..

sorry people for not replying your tags! i thought it was wierd to be emo then suddenly go reply tags. hahahas.

so here are the replies.

and angela. they arent yours. THEY"RE MINE!!!! bwahahahahahahs.

DBSK ROCKS!!!!!! WHOOOOO

replies:

siokxin: lol, yah i noticed too. but there isnt really much to blog about anyway.. hahas. or at least, i dont think i can possibly type out everything i feel. yahh.. hahas.

angela: BLEAH!!! they are mine tooo.. T.H.E.Y A.R.E M.I.N.E T.O.O. hahahahahahhahahas

edwina: edwina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh, how i missed you!!! hahas, come back quick!! school aint the same without youuu!! hahas what happened? how'd you lose your voice? take care lehh.. and and and I MISS YOU!!! i thought i said that already.. hahas. lol, emo is a must for me, i already reduced it alot alr lehhh.. hahhas relinked!!

sophie: didnt see me?? hahahas, okayy.. anyway.. today was so nice!!! hahahas, i miss camwhoring with you!!! lol!! and and and, yah i miss you!! hahas.. not the you're gone that kind of miss.. lol.. you get what i mean lahh.. ahahas.

shitien: lOL!! hahas its with you?? really?? i didnt know lehhh.. whahahhaas, orrhhh.. you... horrible person.. steal my hp6.. shame on you.. im disappointed.. yes i amm.. tsktsk.. ahahahahs!! kd lah. juz return it when you want to lorr.. X)

end replies

hello. its time to emo again.

hahas its been a really long time since i last emoed ok? im due for one alr. hahahas, what rubbish right?

life's really a stinking pile of socks now.. what a wierd analogy but i dont care. because life STINKS!! and it stinks to the highest of heavens!!

im not myself anymore. i tried my hardest not to change, not to be someone who lives for myself but for others. but in the end, it still happened, it wasnt inevitable, it was just hard to resist change.

oh lord grant me strength to find myself again, please give me back patience, compassion, sensitivity, kindness, selflessness... i dont want to be this empty shell, devoid of emotions. i want to care, i want to care for everyone. why deprive me of that? why take away who i tried so hard to be.

maybe you didnt take them away. i simply didnt believe in them anymore.

i want to be ben again. i dont want to be this bloody asshole. i dont want to be a freaking jerk.

i hate myself. period.

ahh maybe i'll just find a bottomless pit and jump in.

i should just eat shit and die.. yah

ahhh whatever.

omgggg.. tell me how on earth do you NOT fall in love with dbsk??!! HOW??!!

im going crazy over their voices and songs..

LOVE IN THE ICE!!!

omgggg...

im just going to melt now..

replies:

shitien: haaahhh?? lolll, i have a book with you?? which? ahahahs. i really dont know lehhh.. hahahas, give it to me in school lahhh.. XD and we never go out for a long time already.. find a dayy!! x)

hantu: PLONK! hahas, your C&C just dropped out. naaa.. hahas, yah got lots of different flavours.. see what you like lorr!! LOL!!!

yang: hahahas its OKAYY!! dont worry.. i have no more labour pains alr. give birth already lahhh.. LOL!!! hahahas, hows lifee?? miss yaa..

sophie: brudaaa!! lol.. eh eh, lets go eat lunch one day.. like very long never get a chance to talk already lahh.. sobs.. hahahas.. cya tmr!! X))

end replies

again.. its been damn long since i last updated. sorryyy..

hahas, now lets see what happend over the weekends

SAT

was suppose to have tuition.. but then, the time wasnt right. so sunday instead. seriously.. who wants to know this stuff? and i spend the entire day at home again. bludy hell. and im suppose to watch simpsons with ade they all!! grahh. im pissed, no. dont talk to me. im in a bad mood now. lol

SUN

had math tuition.. it was kinda good. yay. i learned something. and instead of having kuishin bo for dinner, i had to cook dinner for my family instead. grahhh.. but its ok lah.. didnt mind. and then after dinner.. i was having labour pains. my water bag burst and the baby was coming out.

im kidding.

but i really had severe abdominal pain. it was so bad i couldnt even walk. even talking was hard lah. and the horrible thing is that it lasted all the way till today!!

maybe i really do have some stomach problems. what if.. i have... ahhh touch wood...

MON

i went to school, got up at 5.45 and continued feeling sorry for myself, cause it hurt so much but i still had to go to school anyway. and the van left without me. so i had to hail a cab. and i paid 14 bucks. yah, tell me about monday blues man.

but but but, im glad i had the math session anyway.. hahas, it was so great. yayyy.. but still the pain was too unbearable so i took the early leave form. the vice prin was like "are you sure you can make it home yourself? you look like you're going to faint from the pain". it WAS that bad. and yufei asked me to stop cringing in pain.. some care and comfort arh... LOL

now tell me about random, because im becoming increasingly guilty of it. and today edwina's flying off to cambridge.. sobs.. im gg to miss you edwina!!!

saw the doctor. he asked me to be careful, cause the pain was near the appendix. yikes.

the taxi man was nice.

the pain's lessened. pray it doesnt come back.

july the 30th is special. dont ask me why.

i shall go sleep soon.

yups, im done randoming.

wait no. DBSK ROCKS!!

"chiisana kiseki tachi ga boku tachi wo musubi awasetanda kitto"

i can reach!!! wheeee!!!

i increased my octave range lor. i need to train somemore.

hahas

replies:

hantu: hahas you're welcome!!! lol, anytime you need C&C just let me know yah?? X)

sophie: *solemnly shakes your hand* thank you for attending the wake. althought the body is still MIA, i still do appreciate it very much. LOL!!!! thanks bruda!!! ahahahahas cya around in school!!

end replies

before we begin, let us all observe one mintue of silence in mourning of my beloved....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaCARDIGAN.

sobs... i did so love my cardigan. you will be missed forever.

grahhh.. hahas i lost my cardigan lah. so pissed lah... thats money like flying away.. never to be seen again. byebye cardi, byebye money..

yest. was. one. of. the. worst. day. of. my. life.

but im glad its better now. but the hurts not going away.. why do i feel so lost.. why do i still feel things are falling apart. all i really want is for things to be the way they were, when everyone was just happy together, smiling and laughing together. doesnt anyone miss it? i know i do. i really miss those days.. i really really do..

i guess like yuan said, if it isnt meant to be, it will never come to be. but im not just going to give up. im still going to try. the question is HOW?

oh man. my head hurts. i'll just leave it aside for now.

today is meet the parents. oh no.

oh and i went out with naz to eat dinner yest. hahas, swensen was so goood. hahas. the black pepper seafood pasta is just simply great. and the ice creamm... ohhhh.. BUTTERSCOTCH and SHERBETS and COOKIES AND CREAMM.. sighhss.. so nicee

naz.. i know ive said this a billion times already, but the thing is, im really really going to miss you. i cant bear to see you go. i really cant..

okayy.. im not going to emo

IM NOT

hahas. i still do love all my friends. every single one of them. if only things were the way they use to be.

crapshi**

this sucks.

replies:

Q: ahahahas.. we'll keep waiting till someone finds it. dont worry miss. we'll keep trying. dont lose hope!!

angela: lol, you're going to have to wait tooooo... dont be impatient lah

syafs: LOL!!! but we have to help poor yuannn.. you dont know the feeling of losing your dy/dx.. the pain.. the anguish... oH good grief!! the torment!!! ahahas.. so drama right?? hees

yang: yahHHHH.. ahahas, im just like that. a wierd freak.. i wonder when i'll turn into a normal person.. *E.T Phone homEEE* LOL!!! i miss you auntie!!!

end replies.

MISSING NOTICE

There has been an unforunate event of poor girl, Feng Yuan Qiu who reported her missing....


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaDY/DX

If you have seen it please do not hesitate to notify the relevant authorities. This is NOT a laughing matter. I REPEAT. This is NOT a laughing matter.

Thank you and have a nice day.



LMAO, hahas. yuan, you crack me up.

good lord, ive not blogged for the longest time. alright, brief overview

FRIDAY

hahas went out with naz for dinner!!! went to NEW YORK NEW YORK. it was great or at least i felt it was pretty good cause the rest didnt really like it. hahas. im just really glad to see naz again. haiz.. its so sad to see her going. crap. I MISS YOU!!!

SAT

hahas, i didnt go out. guai me.

SUN

had a pretty nice lunch with my family. had soba!! wonderful..

MON

had my NAPHA. and i passed my chin ups. hahas. okay pretty good an achievement already considering i never did train once. thank god for the miracle!

TUES

just had my math test. pissed man, cause i thought curve sketching would have been easier, considering i put in more effort for it. tsk. well at least i could do the parametric part. yups. diff was much easier, hahas. yups. i think it wasnt satisfactory, but i did better then before. i hope.

hahas what a brief summary of my days. lol. im still tired. my nosebleeds are getting more frequent. i cant stand trains and im constantly thinking about sleeping. i no longer have time to go out. and im getting fatter and fatter.

how random.

on a not so random note, this thurs is the othello play. hahas, psyched cause i get to see naz again. wOOO.

oh no. tmr is the submission of the WRF.

i have a similar abbreviation for it. WTF

how vulgur. hahas

bye.

replies

syaf: hahas thanks syaf.. but what would you do if you were me? i dont think you would have done any different right? lol. oh yah.. please send my regards to your mum for me.. hope shes doing okay.. you take care too yah. will be praying for her... (:

edwina: RAWR!! yes, godzipigga here.. hahas i think you a bit siao already. its like july now and you're thinking of december. hahahas, but i do love christmas spirit though.. lets go out on christmas!! hahas, we'll have so much fun.. whheeee.. hahas

naz: AHHH!! NAZ!!!!!! sobs... i really really miss you toooooo... aHHHHH im in perpetual distress.. why arent you around me.. grahh.. some kinda of friend arh.. lol.. kdkd. but i do really miss you... :'( hahas, not yet mah.. wait abit longer.. for the photos i mean.. hahas, come online if you can!! or better yet call me to talk lah!! if not no more chance already you know!! tsk. DBSK RAWKS!!! WOOOO...

end replies

sometimes i really wonder what im living for. hahas. i think i live mostly for others. i dont usually do things for myself but as long as it involves others, i would do it. hahas, like in secondary school, i would do my friends homework but wouldnt do mine. lol. so funny lah

i wonder what would happen if i would lose all the people i live for. i think i'll be a zombie, wondering around aimlessly, some useless thing that would be better off dead.

hahas, that sounds scary lah. but the funny thing is i like living for others. i think it gives me a sense of purpose, it gives my life direction, gives it meaning. of course im not crazy, i live for those i love lah. my friends, my family....

but sometimes i think im really crazy... i always imagine myself in this situation, where theres a random person with me, and a loony holding a gun saying only one can live and the other must die. i think i would tell the loony to kill me. WAIT. im not nuts, its just that suddenly i would think of the person's family, people who love him. and if he dies, how much grief that would put them in. i cant take it lah. even if i lived, i would live in misery and guilt for the rest of my life.

yahh, damn extreme lah.. but its what i think i would do if it were to happen. but then people tell me im very selfish, cause by doing that, i would be causing misery to MY own close ones, i would grieve the people who love and care for me. yah i think im very selfish too. but i still wouldnt act otherwise because i just cant do it.

aiyoo.. im just giving myself a headache.. but i rather be selfish then be wicked. exchanging another person's life for my own.. is just... omg.. damn wrong lah. i would rather exchange my life for another. yah.

what a rubbish filled post im posting today. hahas but its random times like this when i would just suddenly ask myself what im living for, and imagine strange situations like this. hahas so wierdd.

but i think god wouldnt want me to live for myself too.. i never did mind living for others because i know that god will lead my life for me, the more i love others, the more god will love me. yahh.. i believe in that. yahhhh...

i really love you my lord. i think its been a real long time ive felt such closeness with you. and i really yearn for it again. i dont ever want to be far from your side, i dont ever want to be distanced from you.

hahas all the lord has taught me is coming back to me now.

im so happy.

i hope it lasts forever

replies

siokxin: hellooo, how can i not be fat?? I PUT ON WEIGHT!! omgggg.. im like this horrible pig that doesnt stop eating!! aHHHH, im godzipigga.. AHHHH!! rawrrrr. YOU are NOT fat can?? tsk!! not in the least bit lah. tsk. tsktsk. tsktsktsk.

sophie: hahas i am!! im interested in psychology.. its always what i wanted to study. but my mum dont allow. yahh.. so i changed to law. but actually i still like it alot. hahas. what story telling?? huh??

passer-by: yah, life is very unfair sometimes, yet sometimes its also so great. hahas, so yah, i guess the most i can do is place my faith in god and believe everything will turn out for the better. hahas. yups. X)

syafs: im so fat!!! IM GODZIPIGGA lah!! the godzilla pig. omg.. so upset.. hahas i tried the water thing, but i just felt like going to the toilet after that.. ahahas. i miss you syaf!! cya around in school!!

hantu: HELLO SWEEPY!! hahas, i think you're sleepyyy.. hahas, go sleep lahh.. have a good rest. and i dont see you so often in school one.. tsktsk. must see you around more.. ahahas. cya!!

end replies.

damn. im reminiscing, i still remembered the times when we were such good friends. when we were so close, when we even felt like family. i must admit that you were a great friend then and i truely believed in you.

shit, im tearing.

but gone are those days and yearn them i do not. there are things that i will not go through again and hurt that i never want to experience. i guess this is a case of once bitten, twice shy. still, there were good things and memories which i will keep.

this is so sickening, emoing badly. naz, angela, george.. mannn... its been a real long time since i emoed... why do i have to face such things.. why do i have to say goodbye? why do i have to see people sad? why do i have to experience failed friendships?

i guess these are all part of life, i guess there are a million things to be thankful for, but when bad things happen, it seems that no matter how many happy tings we've had before, we still feel just as upset, just as sad.

i miss you naz.. badly. but please dont cry and we will always remember you... ALWAYS. oh mannnnnn... shit it lahh.. i really going to cry. hahahas, so long since i did that..

its just so sad. its really so sad.

i hate this.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd   You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Drama Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Literature Nerd
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Musician
Science/Math Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

whahahas. there should be more me around!! LALALALA!! APPRECIATE ME PEOPLE!!

okay im only kidding. LOL

wooo, i achieved alot of impossibles today.

1st, i did the entire lesson 1 of tutorial 10!! im so happy. yea, one or two questions were still unclear to me, but! i made improvement!! hahas yayyy

2nd, i did 2 pull ups!! and more!! by myself!!! omgg!! im so happy with myself. and i didnt train!! hahas, im sure its tyco, but whatever, i did it.

3rd, i faced my greatest fear!! wooo!! hahas. i wasnt that scared anymore. just. STUNNED. lol. and i felt wierd, but it beats shivering and trembling.

hahas okays someone quick, pat me on the back. i deserve it!! hahas

life isnt the same anymore. naz is no longer here. thats one very important person gone from my life, but NOT from my heart!! wah, this is so mushy and cliche, but i mean it lor. tsk.

but life may no longer be the same, but i still have all you guys to make my life so much more bearable even enjoyable. and all the more i want to cherish all you guys because i never know when any of you might suddenly go overseas like naz. HUMPH. hahas

i smsed my mum all my results. i think its quite safe to say my mum hates me now and things will never be the same again, my life will be torned apart, our relationship will turn into one of hate, and vicious fights will ensue......................

im kidding.

but i know she aint going to be happy about it. i guess i deserve it.

hahas random time, i look in the mirror and i see this fugly shit. why am i so UGLYY?? WHY AM I SO FAT!? im like cursed or something. i hate myself. tsk. no only joking, but i AM fugly without a doubt. lalalaaa

and i think mr tan is so funnyyy ahahahas. lmao

bye!!

its so horrible i cant even think about it.

and i realize that i think my mum holds a damn great place in my heart. i realized shes like so vital to me and i know she really loves me alot. which is why i cant stand it when she starts giving me the cold shoulder. haiz. tmr is the day im breaking the news of all my results. ahh wells. i just hope she doesnt stay angry for long.

been feeling really really ill lately. hahas, i think my symptoms of stress is starting to surface again. hahas, yeah, i think everyone sees me as this person who doesnt give a damn and two hoots about my studies, its not that i dont care. its just that when i feel stressed, my body starts disfunctioning.

my nosebleeds are back, and they get more and more serious everytime it happens, it was so bad yest i felt faint and dizzy. it was amazing how much blood came out.. hahas

the wierd cramps in my stomach are appearing again.

and there are new symptoms!! massive migrains that just happen all of a sudden. and nausea when travelling in the car. wow. my body amazes me.

i guess its not a choice whether i feel stress or not. it happens.

anyway, i made chocolate fondue today. was great. missed the taste of fruits coated in chocolate. so incredibleee.. ahhh..

ahh whatever. i feel dead.

replies:

sihui: hahas yahhh!! yest was so fun!! whats teng chui?? are you sure its hokkien?? you mean teck zui is it? lolll.. lets go out again soon!! and send me the photos we took that day when you free ok??

edwina: lol, i dont really remember all the details too, thats why i wasnt too affected by it as well. lol. but the new book coming out already!! whee!! hahas, oh okay, yups i will send the phots asap. cya tmr!!

sophie: hahas, i dont know about greatly greatly loved, but i know im very lucky to have all you guys as my friends!! hahas and you as a bruda!!! hahas my phone.. i only had it for 6 mths!! lol, okay.. i dont know who it was. but whoever he/she is, is damn lucky.. coz got so many dbsk songs!! humph. LOL!! cya tmr!!

end replies.

put me to sleep please. i dont want to wake up!!!

i watched harry potter 5 today! hahas, okay yah, it was abit dry, but i still love the special effects, it wasnt as angsty as i thought it would be though. hahas. anyway, i really enjoyed myself with all you guys today. hahas.. its real fun, especially speaking in hokkien, riding cows ahahas, trying on all the sunglasses.. having a good laugh

hahas i really do miss you guys. and liwee!! hahas, i saw you today!! hahas, i miss you too!! hahas, such a great day.

and you all arh!! scandal me!! grrr!!! so many scandolous photos!!! woe betide you ALL!!! hahahas

okay. i dont want to blog more. hahas. im so behind on answering tags. better answer them before i give up entirely..

replies:

angela: LALALALALALA!! hahas yahh, theres so much to explore in life, theres more dbsk songs coming.. omg, i cant wait!!! and and and so many nice new korean stuff to discover!! ahahas, intro me more!!! lol

passer-by: hahas yea i do believe in god and i love him very much too!! and i know i have lots and lots of friends supporting me, hahas, i really thank god so much for them. im really quite lucky actually. hahas. yups. thanks!!! XD

sophie: hahas im happY!! hahas are you not??? okay i will try, i just hope i get a good score. ahahas. ((:

edwina: LOL!! yah!! you know all my deep dark secrets.. shhh, dont tell anybody okay?? hahas im kidding when i said my voice is nice.. eww.. hahas and yes!! more esplanade please!!! MORE MORE. hahas am i really strong? hahas, dont feel it. but i know i can always depend on you guys.. (: yes!! POUND THAT HORRIBLE THEIF!! GRRR.. hahas TY EDW!!!

angel: hahas i dont have photos!! i didnt bring my camera that day remember?? lol!! and yes today was so fun!! MORE MORE MORE!!! hahahas ((:

syafs: my dear syafs.. dont be so depressed already lah!! im always here for you, just let me know when you need me ok?? i dont go that extra mile lah, im just doing the barest minimum, hahas, loves to you too!!! tc!!!

siokxin: ahahahas, jordan is a pro singer mah, so he sings the difficult songs lah, hahas okay, i'll sing with you, hahas, we amateurs sing simple songs.. hees, im glad im becoming the old ben too, (: hahas no lah, dont worry, i just feel real lousy. hmms, but you're right.. ahahas, but yah, its over already lah. so i shouldnt harp on it so much...

naz: forget you??!! YOU WISH!!! i'll be bugging you for the rest of your life.. you will be sorry for making a friend like me.. ahahas. lets go out again!! and this time.. i wont lose my phone. humph. lol! lets go escape!! i nv been there with you b4!! quite loserish lahh.. but i still think it'll be fun!! want want??

end replies.

phew i did it. hahas, blog again tmr.

today is one of the most unlucky day ever.

1st, its naz's last day of school. omg. i dont want to talk about it. but at least i have quite a few photos. i really dont want to talk about it. its far too upsetting to even think about it.

2nd, a really sick person who should be given a punishment for doing such a perverted thing.

3rd, someone stole my phone. its really unfair, how come the wicked go unpunished, and i have to lose my phone. okay, im just expressing my frustrations, i dont blame anyone but myself. its my own carelessness. but all the same, i always believed people would be honest. but im not going to let this incident change my belief. i believe people are still good by nature. i should be the one blamed cause i tempt people. so yea, its my fault.

anyway, i had no idea my emotional state had such a great effect on my friends, i really had no idea, and im really sorry, i really want to apologise for having you guys put up with my nonsense. and naz asked where was the cheerful ben that she knew.. hahas, i cant let her down. yea, wheres the ben that i use to know too..?

and then i want to apologise to someone, for being as asshole. i cant tell it to you cause its super awkward, so im doing it here. no matter what, acting like a jerk is wrong anyway, and i owe you an apology.

phileo, love between friends

i feel cheap, especially after what siokxin and edwina told me. im like so.. disgusting. yah. hmms. im not sure, but i wouldnt have rather i continued loving, maybe i sound really selfish, but truth is, i dont want to hurt anymore. because i believe if i never loved, i would never hurt. and i really took a long time trying to forget that love for my friend. i know some may say that if its so easily forgotten, then it was like a damn pathetic and fake sort of love, but when it comes to a point when your life is tied to it, you have to get out of it, i had to forget it somehow.

i guess i sound like im damn disgusting and selfish. i guess thats what i am then. i abhor myself for doing that, i abhor myself for placing myself before others, i abhor myself for being so cheap. but the moment i think about how painful it was during that period of time, and how close i was to suicide, i just.. i just dont care anymore.

i no longer believe in such things as a best friend. there are real friends, true friends who stick with you till the end, and i must have been blind to not have seen that. and these are the people i truely love. and will never ever forget. and naz, no matter how long or how far.. we will always be the best of friends!!! okok??!!

i appreciate i have such a nice teacher. hahas. yups.

ahhh.. in a nutshell, im so suay today, i feel damn cheap and disgusting, and i dont want to see naz go.

i miss you god. im glad you're back in my life.

lots and lots of photos. i shall upload them asap.

dbsk... loving you... omg.. im in a liquid state now, freeze me back..