been realli unable to smile during the weekends... someone rly pissed me off big time.. but i guez its my own fault for showing attitude... man its realli hard gettin a grip.. how do i stop myself from being mad???

countin frm 1 - 10 doesnt help, tried it and it made me breathless, i guez i realli hv to learn to be patient and understandin.. man i rly suck.. my emotions are runnin so amok and its soo hard to control. feel lyk im becomin de old me again, sarcastic and cynical.. ooo i rly nd to excercise self control

my lord, i really really really need ur help.. i nd u to hlp me be patient, to learn betta how to have keep my emotions under check. i dun want to be able to hate i dun want to be able to feel anger, dis are feelins that will benefit none... but sumtimes making ppl happi means givin up my own.. i dun mind, i rly dun mind, juz dun let me sink into dat bottomless pit of sorrow again, if not i wun be able to create happiness animore..

i also want to seek ur forgiveness, till now, i have not brought a single one to ur love.. but im still not gg to preach and force ppl to convert, dat is not the way, yes it will save dem frm hell but it wun make them love u, im sure wad u want are believers not puppets.. wrk ur way into their hearts wif love and hope as u had to me. i believe dat is de true way.

i wonder how i can take a step furthur in lovin and making ppl happi.. and i also nd hlp lovin ppl who are not so ez to love... i tired, but its so hard. i dun want to be an empty vessal dat makes a lot of noise but take no actions. i muz wrk harder to make people laugh and smile, hmm i wonder why i juz love it when ppl do, it rly makes life beautiful and meaninful..

i realize i nd others for me to work properly, when i see people frown or unhappy, i get affected as well and i become rly moody, i rly need ppl to smile for me to wrk. why do my parents awaez frown, its gettin realli hard to be wif them. im glad moz of my frens are smilin, and to those hu dun, hope i can put one on ur face. thank u my frens for providin me wif the strength i need.. tankew alls!!!!!

loves!!! [aollovin]

another happi dae.. but still almoz said a few mean things and said a few mean things... im so useless.. nvm i'll try harder... hmm interestin qs i was asked todae.. if i made everything my fault, den wad if someone saboed me...

haha... its a gud question there... am i willin to sacrifice even my name and innocence for somebody to be happi?? honestly, i wud be lying if i said yes immediately, after all im still human not a saint, but i think i just might though.. but ultimately will dat person be happi?
can he realli live wif himself for causin someone demise, wun his conscience awaez inflict him wif pain and guilt? is dat happi den? hv i rly brought dat person happiness?

haha, i dun hv the right to judge whether someone is right or wrong becoz i may awaez be wrong.. let dat person decide for himself, if he thinks he will find happiness by framin others, den so be it.. i will take the blame den..

god im sorry, i cudnt get anione to believe in u todae.. and honestly.. i dun think i will be able to do it anitime soon.. im realli sorry... but im not gonna giv up, i stil believe sincerity and love will one day bring ppl to u... i do truely believe... and one day ppl will be able to exp the true bliss of ur love.. =))

todae i wanna pray for all hu are unhappi... hope u all will find happiness and awaez a reason to smile and if u dun.. i'll give u one.. here goes.. because......................... u cant be unahppi foreva. =)

loves!!! [aollovin]

yay another day in school.. everything is so happy to me now.. though i almoz said sumthing bad... lucky i was able to stop myself... i saw alot of people smilin todae.. its so nice to see people smile. =))
it wasnt easy though.. i had to rly remind myself about the happiness about others.. i must stop being sacrcastic.. dats a v mean thing to do.. i juz wanna smile to everyone i see.. and be rly sincere and honest... and i shud onli say encouraging and nice words... hu wudnt lyk a nice word? lol.. i dun want to lie though.. dats bad too..

seeing the good in people aint super ez, but im not gvin up... i believe evryone is kind and nice deep down inside.. after all arent they people like me??? i rly dun hate anione or dislike anione now.. although there are still some which.. may rly drive me up the wall. but hey.. it may be cause i make people hate me... dats sad.. hope i dun do dat..

god u are still my no. 1 love... i hope u accept wad im doing, it maybe a lil unorthodox.. but dis time im determined to do it this way... u will still support me wun u?
i din manage to make anyone believe in u todae.. for dat im realli sorry, but im gonna keep tryin but not the way u want me to..

i still wanna spread love.. i realized love and happiness do come together.. hope i can make more people happi!!

loves!!! [aollovin]

i just realize how wrong i can be... loving may not make people happy.. and i can never make everyone happy, but at least i can try... but sumtimes it requires givin up my own happiness... its okay at first.. but when it builds up.. i kinda crack and become nuts again..

god plz giv me patience and the gift of understandin... also hlp me tide thru my unhappiness and make me let go of the past.. i realli dun want to be held back animor...

lovin ppl isnt as hard as it seems.. why did i eva say stuff lyk dat... love has no meanin, and i dun intend to giv it one.. everyone's perception of love is different and hu said mine was the onli way dat is so super wrong..

love is jus love.. and dats wad i hope to do... no need to force love out.. it comes naturalli after a while... god thankew u for makin me understand.. i noe u hv ur defination of love and urs is the right way... but i rly think as long as they love, theres no problem is there?? i noe i cannot force everyone to love u.. i dun want to hv to rob away happiness to do that.. im willin to lose everything and willin to accept punishment, but i rly wish dat everyone can join u in eternity, isnt dat wad u want too?

loves!!! [aollovin]

Hope and faith may keep me strong,
but lose them all and I will fall.
Yet love is the light that will bring me back,
each time I stray from the path to god.
There is no stronger force den love,
is it not known dat love is the lord?
I may hv all the riches in the world
but without love it is destined for me to fail.
Love is patient, love is kind,
doesn’t envy nor boast nor is it proud.
Neither rude and self seeking,
easily angered and keeps records of wrongs.
Delights not in evil but rejoices in truth.
Always protects, perseveres and always hope
For all will pass in time to come and the three remains,
faith, hope and love,
but the greatest of these is love.
Love thy lord
Amen

knowing how important love is, and knowing how to love is the start to loving.. =)

loves!!! [aollovin]

sometimes it gets hard doing the things dat seems right, sumone ask me if i was willin to lose a friend for the sake of god...

the best things in life may nt be wad we percieve them to be... yet there is no denying that it makes them happi, but i think ppl may hv got me wrong, i nv said i wanted to make ppl happi, instead wad i want is to make de person feel loved and be loved...

love is powerful, boundless, but i did not sae love wun hurt, love usualli hurts, and that if i hv to hurt sumone to love dem den so be it... becoz short term happiness is nth but an illusion, wad i want u to giv is a gift dat u will nt forget and mayb undst in the years to come.. i finally undst how parents feel... but love is about sacrifices, i wud gladly lose my happiness for sumone i love.. i dun mind, i dun even mind losin my life...

i cnt bring happiness upon everybdy, onli god can do that and even if he does it will be nth more den a temp cure for pain, becoz pain is wad makes us truely happy, if we nver hurt b4.. den how will we noe how precious happiness is?

but den again love is happi as well, love is the moz miralculous force dat drives ppl to do things unfathomable and unimagined... ive seen its forces at wrk and ive seen how things fail when u stop loving...

loves!!! [aollovin]

its been a long time since i wrote again... i guess i finally woke up from my dream and stopped escapin from wad was meant to be........

these few months has been most dark and unhappi for me, if it had nt been for some new frens i made and my old buddies i guez i wud hv lost my sanity... so thankew all...

these few nths of escapin and livin wifout god has been most difficult, ive done every imaginable thing dat has put distance b/w me and the lord... but wheneva i think back on how i might hv caused sumones death... i wud start to lose faith again, i failed myself and failed my duty... i cnt forgive myself... for being so selfish...

i guess cryin and thinkin abt old memories dat hurt has been my everyday activities, but its time to wake up alr... i hv forsaken love, hopes, faith, dreams, sincerity, warmth, kindness... its enough...

but here i am again.. once again ready to serve... it took some time but i finally made it, there are still many out there waitin for me to pray for them. and i hv to work doubly hard now.. pain and sufferin is inevitable.. i hv felt it myself.. and i noe dat there is little i can do.. but wad little i can do i will do, i pray for all hu are lost and dat de lords light shine on u and dat u may find comfort in his love

the lord has never left u... every step dat u take he is aways behind u, followin closely, watchin, waitin to catch u when u fall. and so will my love for u all... for know dat love is boundless and it can awaez make room for more

loves!!! [aollovin]