the olvls are comin.. its so scary!!! gettin realli stressed and nervous.. omgomgomgomg.. nvm nvm.. muz relax.. too stress will malu one.. everybody jiayous!!!

todae.. i went to lyk buy a new digital cam!!!! its super nice lor!!! the price was sky high as well... it cost about 500 bucks... damn hell expensive.. but at least now, i can take all de pictures in de world whenever i want... and i can go photoshooting lyk siao during PROM.. everybody will be lyk so shuai and pretty.. can take all de nice photos!! WHEEEE!!!!
can take photos wif all my frens also!!! AHHHHs!!!! [goes crazy] lols, den can post them on de blog for everybody to see!!! whee!!! hahas..

recent songs dat caught my attention
-chemicals react by aly and aj
-collapsed by aly and aj
-come back to me by vanessa hudgens
-let go by vanessa hudgens
-play with fire by hilary duff
-touch of my hand by britney spears
-left outside alone by anastacia
these songs rock!! lols... go try them out.. hahas..

i tried puttin myself in dat persons shoe and imagine havin de person i love miles and miles away for years... well, it realli made me feel realli sad... so yah i prayed for dat person lors.. coz it was realli so sad... i hope that persons pain ends soon.. my lord, bless dat person.. though i dun realli like dat person.. but all de same.. i dun lyk to see anione in pain...

sang songs on de fone wif loy again.. lols.. not much though.. though i hv to sae my shifu is realli startin to become super pro... super super pro... smooth and pitch near perfect.. nds to work abit on falsetto but woots.. rocks big time!! u go loy! lols.. im sure u'll cut ur own album one dae..

talk wif ziq yest.. told him sum stuff which im actualli not suppose to sae.. but i realli felt i had to sae it out or i might explode.. but thx for listenin.. i dun feel so breathless now.. thankew ziq!!

im realli lookin forward to prom, so we can hv more fun again.. can play more finger guessin.. make more silly jokes, tell more stories.. lols!! but the Os are not even over yet.. but its not wrong to look forward to it wad.. hahas..

my lord, the haze is realli veri irritatin.. if its possible can u get rid of it... its realli irkin everybody and its seriously not healthy... thankew!!! loves ya!!

loves!!! [benj]

yum yum yum fun fun fun... ahahas.. im tokin about my lunch todae!! lols... todae muz go skool for chem remedial.. yes it was boring and dreary... but i gained alot from it too.. QA seems so simplified now.. thx ms lim!!

den after chem, i went to lot one to eat lunch wif adeline, amanda, angeline, cheryl choy/koh, jasmine, june, mabel, peng tiong, sihui. den we took 188 to lot one, it was damn cool lahs, de 11 of us practically filled de back of de bus, and den we play finger guessin.. so fun!! lols.. we made alot of noise lors..

den when we reached lot 1, we went to eat at LJS.. den me, sihui, cheryl and adeline share one family feast.. about 20 bucks.. so each person 5 bucks.. wah it was realli worth it lahs.. got so much >.< damn full lors... cheryl was lyk a wolf, she wolfed everything down.. lOL!!but in de end its ade hu ate de most.. lols!! she ate sihuis chicken as well lahs.. i guess skinny ppl eat more..

den after eatin, we had another game.. wah laos.. i suck at it lah.. it was either de beat dat was wrong or i stone.. NOT FAIR!!! so yea i lost and did de forfeit of finishin de grape in lyk one breath.. lols.. then after eatin the rez of them went to PJC.. its not fair lahs.. i cudnt go.. so i went home lah..

oh yah!! smth so wierd happen todae... so so wierd.. hahas.. but im not gonna talk about it.. but it just goes to show that my theory of how sum ppl approach u onli when they nd hlp.. other den dat.. they juz treat u as non exsistent.. its kinda despicable if u ask me.. BUT ANIWAE.. its nt in me to turn down anione dat comes to me for help.. well i gave u almoz everythin i had once, u threw it away.. so too bad lors..

hahas.. yest i talked to loy on de phone, he snd sad .. but he din wanna tok about it.. okae nvm.. but we sing sumore song, my shifu is becomin more pro and smooth in his singin lahs!!! so cool!!! and hes realli mor cut out to sing eng song.. so nICE!!!! lols niwaes i enjoyed talkin v much.. lalala.. hahas

todae and yest night was so great, i rly had so much fun wif ALL MY FRENS.. thanks so much!!! ive never been so happi in such a long time le... buti rly enjoyed all my frens company veri much, so thanks adeline, amanda, angeline, cheryl choy/koh, jasmine, june, mabel, peng tiong and sihui!! for de GREAT AND FUNFILLED lunch.. hahas.. thx aloy for singin and talkin on de phone wif me!!! WHEE!!!! i feel so blessed... lols, my lord, thx so much...

loves and happiness!!! [benj]

ive never ask myself this, but why love ppl hu do nth but continue to disappoint and upset u?? why give all of urself away when de ppl u love treats u lyk dirt? why cheapen urself to such a pathetic state? why degrade urself to such a low pitiful form dat ppl think ure a despo?? i dunno, i realli dunno, is it realli bcoz we need them? isz realli becoz we will not be happi wifout dem??

i realli dunno de answer, i guess de onli reason i do such things is bcoz there is sumone hu does de same for me, the lord loves me no matter wad, even when i sin, even when i defy him, even when i disobey him... even when i dun love him, he still loves me all de same...

dats why i want to be de same, i want to be lyk de lord, i want to love so unconditionally and noblely, but such strength is realli beyond me, foolishly i still think of myself when i love ppl, i can nv cast myself away fully enuff..

in de end, i come to nearly regret de things ive done, bcoz it juz hurts so much.. and u question urself wad uve done wrong, and u find nth, and u ask why u hv to go thru all dis crap for ppl hu appears to nt give a damn..

i tried pushin all de blame on myself, i blame myself when bad things happen.. but wads the use?? it doesnt help, u juz continue to cheapen urself... and u continue to drown in sorrow... in de ned, it juz hurts so much, ur heart dies..

my heart died once b4, i feel it may die again... but yet at de same time, my eyes hv opend to see more ppl hu i shud cherish.. i have so much fun wif them, i feel so free wif them, thank u so much... but i dun noe wad to do now, i dun want my heart to die, but it will sooner or later, i can hold on to it stubbornly.. i wan to, but im juz afraid i might fall apart..

my lord, i want to be lyk u, i want to love as u do.. but i draw my strength not from myself... and if my source isnt there, where else can i draw it from??

loves [benj]

olvl bio prac todae.. scru it lah.. i think i might flunk it lors... there was dis totalli random qs which i totalli blanked.. ah wells.. hu cares, its over.. good luck everybody hu took it!!

im feelin much better now.. becoz i finalli realized dat i accomplished wad i wanted, i got wad i wanted, why shudnt i be happi?? hahas, i was given a chance to love my frens and given a chance to do smth for them.. why shudnt i be happi?? isnt it wad i awaez wanted??

it took me long enuff to realize dat happiness will never be mine, i can nv go bck to b4, can nv experience dat sort of calm and pure joy i once possessed.. and de farnie thing is dat i actualli gave up my happiness to sumone hu totalli din appreciate it.. ahh wells.. i dun regret wad i did.. but i wish i still had dat sort of happiness.. u dunno how it feels man, to totalli nt feel anger at all.. to feel so calm dat it brings about a calmin effect to others as well... waaa i wish i stil had dat gift.. but nvm.. its gone..

im a little lost now though... its lyk my sense of direction is gone now.. which way am i suppose to go? wad am i suppose to do? so wad if my olvls are here.. it may be a impt part of my life.. but its not de most impt.. but i dun hv anithin to do for others now.. ohh wells.. mayb i cud think of myself for a change.. think about wad i wan, think about how to make myself happi.. NO WAY!!! DATS DISGUSTING!!! lolss

well im juz gonna keep moving forward aniwae.. i might find a new purpose soon.. =)

loves!! [benj]

hahas.. i realli shud label myself a nutter.. well i guess i do becom a lil bit crazy once in a while.. but in any case, i shud embrace the pain dat im facing now.. ahahas.. now heres de deal.. ive awaez found myself really attached to ppl hu treat me well, i feel i realli want dem to be happi, de more sumone treats me well, de more i want to treat them even better, its awaez been lyk dat..

i wanna mention 4 ppl hu realli treated me well, or more lyk was there when i realli needed ppl... firz it has awaez been aloysius hu has been unknowingly or knowingly helpin me by makin me laugh and forget my probs.. i feel realli at ease and lyk i dun hv to worri about anithin at all.. it may seem realli silly, but to me, when i juz feel i wanna give up, he's de one hu awaez manages to make me giv up totalli..
den i have fabian hu once called de moment i told ck dat i was in depression, he immediately called to ask how i was and he told me dat if i have any problems, i cud go look for him.. it was at dat moment when i felt lyk ive been so blessed.. it made me feel realli touched.. and i felt dat its a miracle to get to noe him as a fren..
den i have terin hu although had tons of problems of her own, called to show concern, and though she was feelin so down and maybe even crying over her probs, she stilled had the strength to let me noe dat if i had ani probs, i cud awaez look for her.. she gave me support and encouragement even when she herself was sufferin.. i felt so warmed by her actions..
den i have ck, whose presence was awaez there, always caring and always faithful to de frenship, hu awaez made me feel lyk i mattered...

so these are de four hu have been most kind to me, moz wonderful and moz precious to me.. but it seems dat im not de onli one wif problems and sadness to deal with... dey each had their own problem and devastation to face.. esp terin and fabian... i felt so helpless everytime dey called me to tell me their probs.. i felt so useless, i want to giv them de feelin that dey gave me.. but i felt i cudnt, and i cudnt take away their pain as well.. and aloysius as well, but im not sayin anithin.. i realli wanted to help them... but im after all onli human.. there is so little i can do..

de firz time fabian came to me wif his prob, i alr felt so helpless.. i cudnt do anithin to ease de pain.. to see sumone suffer and not be able to do anithin about me realli tore me apart.. i had no other way but to exchange sumting of my own once again.. i traded the most precious thing i had in return dat the lord took away his pain.. but in de end, i backed out.. i wasnt suppose to, but i did..

followin dat, terin also told me about her probs.. i cudnt do anithin as well.. de same exact scenario, de same feelings.. and den i also found more pain in sumone else.. sumting no matter how hard can nv be erased..

wad can i do?? i din want to see 3 of my moz precious frens suffer animore.. i realli din wan dat.. but wad can i do?? i no longer had anithin to give up or trade. yes i noe de lord doesnt answer prayers onli when i trade things.. but im doing it to show de lord dat it realli matters to me.. but i realli had nth else.. other den my life.. which is totalli useless.. so i decided to take instead.. i asked the lord to take wadeva pain dat they had and will have to put it on me instead, and as long as they were happi, i will not find happiness for myself...

yea, so i wud guess de onli reason why im sufferin now is bcoz de lord has answered my prayer... those hu read this and find dat im talkin crap, ure so utterli wrong! de lord does answer prayers, and he has answered every single one i prayed whether u believe it or not.. to those hu dun believe, u will nv feel ur prayers hv been answered, coz ure so blind to even notice it..

i realli feel lyk my life has no meanin, has no purpose, wad more can i giv? wad more can i do? i drown myself in sadness refusin to even try to smile.. i hated everything dat i had done.. i feel stupid and used.. i feel dat wad i did wasnt even appreciated.. i even felt hated..
but it finally dawned on me, i love my frens, and lovin means givin up wifout hesitation, nth about me matters, i onli want the ppl i love to be happi.. yes i finally understand, to have the people i love, be happi is alr wad ive set out to achieve, and even if my frens stil do feel pain, at least they will never be alone sufferin.. loving ppl has awaez been stupid, whether its love in a realtionship, love in a family, love among frens.. it usualli hurts juz as much as it heals.. but i feel content dat at least im able to love my frens, and even if they no longer treat me as one.. i noe dat their smiles will awaez be my reward... for showing love.. wad can be more precious den seeing de ppl u love smile? and if given de same choices, i wud still give away everything to see the ppl i love, happi.. dats all i wan, and even if i hv to hurt for de rez of my life.. i stil have others hu love me and care for me..

loves [benj]

it seems it worked.. finally... it took a long time.. but i succeeded.. my lord i nv forgot the pact i made with u.. and i noe u wud nv forget it as well.. but i fulfiled my end of the promise, so u muz promise me dat u wud awaez giv dat person happiness ok?? dun let my sacrifice be for nth..
hahas, i cudnt let go, i nv did realli let go.. so in de end, happiness wasnt realli his, but now, i can finally giv up de most precious thing i owned, and its much easier if dat person hates me.. now at least i can tell myself its over.. hahas, to those hu din believe it, see i told u so lahs.. but at least i din ruin tings dis time.. of coz de lord helped me alot as well.. thankew v much..

my lord, i thankew so much for answerin every single one of my prayers.. i dunno if dats a good thing but i noe u dun hv to do it, but still do it for me.. and u awaez warn me not to get involved so dat i dun hv to get hurt, but i stil do it.. and in de end kena hurt lyk siao.. den i kep askin "why?? why??" den i will rmb at dat time when u told me i shudnt get too involved..den all i can do is cry... but still i nv regret ani of my actions b4, nt a single time.. why is dat so??

ive got a major headache now... it hurts lyk shit... and its at de back of my head throbbing.. throb throb throb.. its damn painful.. mayb becoz im tryin nt to feel sad.. but i cant lie.. i am sad, i want to cry.. but i musnt.. i cnt regret now.. nt when i alr succeeded..

i rly need sumone now... i realli want my pain to go away... i feel so wronged and unfairly treated.. but its wad i asked for.. hu can i blame.. mayb dyin wun be so bad after all..

im nt dat strong [aollovin]

1) Single, taken or crushing?
Ans: no, Benjamin.. hahas.. crushing lahs I guess

2) Are you happy with your life now?
Ans: yes and no

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall in love with dat person fast?
Ans: is there a left person?? Okae, nt farnie.. ermm, yes I guess

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
Ans: yes.. if its u, u so betta be sorri

5) Do you believe that there are some circumstances, where cheating love is acceptable?
Ans: u wun cheat urself wud u?

6) Would you take someone back even if dat person cheats on you?
Ans: once bitten, twice shy,, but if im lyk a despo, I might

7) Have you ever talked about marriage to someone else before?
Ans: cant rmb.. did I?

8) Do you want children?
Ans: yups

9) How many?
Ans: depends..

10) Would you consider adoption?
Ans: sure, why not?

11) If someone likes you now, what do you think is the best way for dat person to let you know their feelings
Ans: tell me lors, u can sing if u wan.. lols

12) Do you enjoy getting into relationships?
Ans: a love-hate relationship? No thx.. love-love relationship? yes please

13) Do you believe in love at first sight?
Ans: yea

14) Do you believe you can change someone?
Ans: into wad? A rabbit? But yes I believe

15) If you could get married somewhere, where would it be?
Ans: on de moon

16) Do you give in easily when you are fighting?
Ans: fight wad? A flying cockroach? No, I juz scream and run

17) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
Ans: have..

18) Do you ever wished that you could have had someone but you messed it up?
Ans: mayb lah.. nt sure..

19) Have you ever broken a heart?
Ans: wad kind? Plastic is unbreakable..

20) If one day your best friend falls in love with dat person you are deeply in love with, what would you do?
Ans: will u give ur limbs away? If u do, I guess I might be noble too

21) Are you missing someone right now?
Ans: yes.. u din sae hu2

2) Now you have to ask 5 of your friends to do this survey in their blogs. Write down their names in the list below. Tag them in their blog to let them know.
> Cheryl koh
> Yong jian
> Fangyi
> Si hui
> Shitien

clara got me to do this.. ahahas.. it was pretty fun lahs... tryin to think of irritating answers.. lols

todae, aiya dun wanna talk about it.. nth much aniwae.. though i did get to talk to aloy for a while.. it was fun.. though after dat suddenli rmb de crapy stuff.. ahh wells.. i still enjoyed it aniwae... thx loy

my lord, ure my dearest family.. do so love u

loves [aollovin]

todae was pretty great lahs.. though tiring, it had so many fun things!! woots!!
i took alot of photos wif my frens lahs!! we even had a "shaedat" photo!! and de name is i sae one lors, though clara was de one hu decided to lyk use it coz she said it snded cool.. ahahas!! we took a 2/3 photo too!!! and i took wif xiner they all and cheryl choy and angeline and hashima.. wahhs so many lahs.. but it was absolutely fun fun fun!! it was a great way to end our last dae as well!!

oh yahs, its fangyi bdae todae!! happi 17th bdae!!! hope ur life will be full of smiles from now on!! lols..

den after skool suppose to go jjc wif cheryl, adeline, sihui.. budden in de end mr leong said our amath was mor impt.. so wad to do?? we stay lors.. frm 1 till 3.. and den we dilly dally at de sitting plan for prom, keep makin sure samantha doesnt do anithin farnie... LOL!!! veri mean.. but she kinda asked for it.. sighs.. nvm.. dun care bout it lah
den we veri hungry le.. so we decided go eat at mac.. so the four of us and amanda all went.. did u noe i hv tuition at lyk 5 and at 4 im still lyk walkin to mac.. yah ANIWAE.. when we were walkin there we lyk talk so much trash lahs.. but talkin trash is fun aniwae.. we talked about bad fashion sense and yellowish icky uniforms.. we talk bout rolling on de road.. yes cheryl, u can roll if u wan, nbdy will stop u.. ahahas!!

den we go mac, i and sihui shared a coupon... i paid 4 she paid 3.. well actualli she wantd to pay 4.. budden aiya nvm lahs.. ahahas, its juz lyk money.. it doesnt matter lahs.. but we were argueing over it.. yes dat was fun too.. yes im sick.. no wait im not.. okae, mayb i am.. this is lame LOL!!!

den at 5, we left mac, i pushed tuition to 5.30 and i still reached home late.. lyk wth ?? but its my own fault lahs, we keep chattin chattin.. den forgot to go home.. LOL!! de bus was super crowded todae, i had to squeeze myself.. at dat time, i was sardine benj, nt human benj.. i hate being a sardine, ure suppose to eat them, not BE them.. LOL!!

and then.. went home, had tuition, bathed, change clothes and go for.. AH GONG DINNER!! lols.. ah gong snds lyk ah gong(dumb) lols!!! went i was there, i was lyk so quiet... i was antisocial.. den val mei mei (wah damn biang sia.. LOL!!!) send me a msg lah, when shes lyk sittin 2 seats away frm me.. it was farnie lors!! but it got me talkin aniwae!! so we started chattin, did i mention i lyk chattin and crappin?? LOL!! yea.. den we talk bout xams(BORING!!), den we talk bout prom(which is on de same dae!!), den we talk bout how smbdy can hv such bad fashion sense, somebody cud keep wearin de same style of shirt.. mayb its a uniform lah, cnt blame him val.. LOL!! okae im damn mean.. im soo sorri.. den we talk bout other stuff, and den we fnd out we shared de same music taste!! oh dat is COOL... yes yes.. so i made a new bez bud out of my cuz!! dat is damn cool as well lahs.. wheee... lols..abit high now lahs.. considerin tmr no tuition.. FINALLI!! lols

dear lord, i thank u for de many miracles u put into my life. i realli do appreciate it so much.. loves ya lot!!!

todae nv get to talk and sing on de phone.. sighs.. ahahas.. but nvm lahs.. mayb tmr can.. lols

todaes post pretty long.. got so much to talk bout.. but todae has been great, tonight has been great too!! ahhs... i feel so blessed...

loves!!! [aollovin]

todae there was a big commotion over prom seats. okay shant sae more.. but im gg to prom.. and i seriousli dunno wad to wear.. mayb a business t shirt dat looks sorta not so business like?? hahas, i rmb dat shirt is i pick for my dad one, he said it was too "fashionable" for him, so i wear lors!!! lols.. budden comes de prob of the pants.. where to find?? muz go buy arhs??

i feel helpless, doesn anibody hv advice to give sumone hu feels dat he isnt much help?? im awaez ready to hear dem..

i never ever wanted ppl to noe about de unhappiness i have to go thru, den why do i lyk type it on my blog??!! so stupid lors.. but i feel its de onli place i can place all my thots.. i dun wanna write.. so old fashioned.. ahh wells.. i shud try to lyk do it less aniwae..

its onli right now den i noe hu are de people hu i can realli depend on.. and i realli thank de lord so much for gvin me de chance to actualli be ur fren.. and i thank de lord even more dat u all are my frens.. u guys make me laugh, make me feel alive and make me continue hoping in life and stayin true to my dreams.. also u guys make me feel im nv alone.. realli thanx so much..
my frens in skool, hu nv fail to make me laugh.. hu i can joke with, and poke fun of.. lols.. thx alots.. erm i dun think i wanna name names but there are ppl hu i wud realli lyk to thank.. but i shall thank u in my heart.. lol..
of coz de guy hu awaez makes fun of me, suan me, pang seh me, make me feel bad as well as sing wif me, crap wif me, make me laugh, make me forget my probs, ahahas.. thx loy!!

my lord, de pain dat im gg thru now, is it wad i prayed for? or is it my self inflicted pain? wadeva it is.. im ready to embrace pain as a part of my life now.. but plz be there to carry it wif me... i dare not ask for much.. but onli dat u stay wif me, and not leave me, even if i do stray from u, my lord, bring me bck to ur light..

i found out that there has been one thing dat ive nv stopped gvin out, i nv stopped gvin my love, and i nv will.. my love for my family, my frens, my lord.. and its de onli thing which i will never run out off.. loves ya all!! im such an idealist.. ahhs wells.. i dun eva wanna be a realitist aniwae.. there too many of them aniwae.. its okae.. i rather be wierd and irritating than harsh and unfeeling. it helps keep me sane..

loves!!! [aollovin]

till now im stil quite lost, i dunno wad am i suppose to feel or do... im starting to feel im in de wrong.. but yet i dunno wad de hell i did wrong.. was i being simply unreasonable or was i just being difficult?? mayb it was my fault after all.. and mayb i nd to reflect on wad i did... in ani case, i suppose there will be an end tmr..

todae during skool, i, xueming, seha, dina, shiquan and xiqing were at de library during chinese.. the library was god damn stuffy lors... hahas, but we made alot of jokes.. dina came up wif a new teory of how to tell how a guy was a gay.. he had to have the letters "l" "x" "m" "i" "n" hmms.. now lets see, can u guess hu it is?? LOLS!!! so mean!!! yah.. but it was farnie... oh yah i was being pissed at sumone, might hv said sum nasty stuff about sumone.. im sorri, i shudnt hv done dat... oh yah.. i was being pissed at ppl hu abused the word "gay" u noe sum ppl think its actualli a swear word!! utterly ridiculous lors.. how can food be GAY!!?? how can a pen be GAY??!! so which pen are straight and which are lesbians??? anibody care to enlighten me?? so dumb lors... u dun see me gg arnd using "grandma" as a swear word do u?!?! "this food is GRANDMA arhs!!" doesnt it snd utterly dumb??

kaes.. movin on.. lols.. i sang [qian li zhi wai] wif aloy again!! whee!! so fun lors!!! ahahas... den after dat we discussed fish.. scary fishes with horns and wings.. WAHAHA... nah im kidding, we were realli talkin bout fish though... LOL!!! so farnie lahs.. ahhs.. its awaez fun to talk and sing and crap on the phone wif loy.. thx alots!!

ma said i wasnt to download animore songs.. coz todae juz got 4 kids kena caught, it seems the trackers use internet protocol to track them.. oh dears.. dats so scaree lors... wad if i kena caught.. i betta faster go dl cherlys song.. and den i guess im gonna lie low for a while... eee. so scaree!! better warn others too...

my lord, i wan to apologise for not speakin to u for these few daes, ive been so preoccupied with my own things dat i forgot u, no excuse.. i deserve to be whipped lahs.. im so sorri... but i still do love u, and de pain dat i may hv to go thru soon, plz do not leave me alone to suffer... im veri afraid dat i may nt be able to take it..

in ani case, big thankews tot hose hu made my dae todae, i do appreciate u guys so much...
prom comin lehs.. i dunno whether i wanna go not... sobs... so many ppl nt gg!!! den i go also nbdy nehs!!! eee!!!!

loves!!! [aollovin]

i feel stupid, i feel utterly stupid.. i dun understand how i wasted myself for sumone hu nv cared, i dun regret wad i did, but i feel so foolish, so used, was i nth but a mere plaything? or perhaps i was nth but a backup, a reserve, a tool.. well wadeva it is.. i was stupid to let sumone use me..

but still i will change nth, perhaps it was realli my fault for being blind, i shud hv open my eyes wider... den mayb i wudnt have walked into this bottomless pit.. but it doesnt mean wad i did was in vain.. i gave my heart, although i recieve nth in return, but i noe i have awaez been sincere.. mayb i did smth wrong which i dun hv any idea about...
i dun want to think animore, mayb things will fall back into place, and my life wudnt be a total mess...

niwaes, thx so much for talkin to me aloy!!! i realli do appreciate it so much!!! i had so much fun dat i totalli forgot all about my unhappiness... todae we sang duets!! SHO COOL!!! firz we sang the duet b/w fei yu qing and jay chou [qian li zhi wai], aloy was jay, i was fei yu qing.. LOL!!! den after dat we swopped, i think fei yu qing veri hard to sing, but aloy cud do a realli good version of him.. LOL!! den we sang [tian tian ye ye], i sang as leann rimes and faye while he sang (wads his name again?) yah.. and actualli it was realli nice lors.. sooo fun!!! and den we juz crap alot and laugh alot.. it was realli totalli cool... thx again!!!

hahas, its funni how come i hv sum ppl hu care so much for me even though i do less for them.. while those hu i gave more, treats me lyk dirt... i feel so guilty and ashamed for not gvin more of myself to the ppl hu treat me better... u ppl do deserve more frm me.. and i shall do my best to giv all of me...

im lost now.. realli hurt and upset.. i dunno wad to do? which is de right way to go, which is de best path to take.. i realli dunno.. and i dun think i ever will, but right now, i juz wanna cherish all de ppl hu hv been there for me.. thankew so much...

loves [aollovin]

yest, i had to do sumthing i realli didnt want to.. but.. i felt i realli had to.. why did i feel dat way, i dun really noe.. but it still lingers in my head, and i still wonder if i did de right thing.. well at least i noe if im sufferin now, den it means i din do de wrong thing..

letoya awaez has songs dat suit my feelings.. dats pretty cool

letoya [obvious]

Have you ever felt like, you the only one in love in your relationship?
And as hard as it was to let go, you knew it was the best thing for you
Well that time has come for me, I gotta move on

[verse 1]
You say you wanna get married, but boy are you sure
Cause there are a couple of issues I refuse to ignore
You say one thing, and you do another
And Im realizing you don't want me on your shoulder
You think material things is what I need
But all I ever wanted was you Just a little kiss, just a little hug
Now Im realizing that that ain't your kinda love

[chorus]
Sometimes we want things
That might not be right for us
But when you're in love
You tend to look over the obvious
You're not changing and I know that you love me but
This thing ain't going the way I planned
Sometimes we want things
That might not be right for us
But when you're in love
You tend to look over the obvious
As bad as I want you to stay
We can't keep going on this way
Going this way

[verse 2]
Don't think you're doing me no favors
Feeling the need to get on one knee
When you know you ain't right baby
You wanna make sure Im always around
And with the ring on my finger
That means Im on right now I see it in your eyes you weren't
There's a good chance you doing some dirt
Cause I don't wanna be the one
To make you do something you don't want to
Im gonna let you do you

[chorus]

[bridge]
See there's a part of me
That doesn't want you here with me
There's a part of me
That wants to stick right with you
But it seems like you dont wanna put up a fight
And why should I even try?

[chorus]

its a pretty nice song.. smooth and pretty meaninful... ohh wells.. findin a song dat cud describe my feelins is cool, but it doesnt make me feel ani better... but i guez its impt to move on as well..

todae i sang in skool, oh gawd, it was embarassin big time lor... sihui, clara and xueming were lyk forcin me.. bleax.. u ppl are evill.. hahas. kd.. but it was so embarassin!! and den fangyi also heard, den he also come and hear!! ahhhs!!! so paiseh!!! but nvm lahs.. it was pretty fun.. it was de firz time i sang in skul.. yes i noe it sux.. dun giv me dat look.. ahahas.. but nvm lah... fun.. =)

i realli wish i cud find sumone hu cud share my probs, sumone i can realli trust, sumone hu understands, sumone hu cares.. sumone hu wud catch me when i fall.. i can only wait.. and see if dis person comes along.. mayb im too blind to notice it aniwae..

my lord, i hope u will not leave me when im gg to nd u most... im realli afraid of wad i prayed for, i'll be honest with u.. im realli scared dat it wud be too much for me to bear.. but i dun regret it.. but plz promise u wun abandon me, and be there for me.. i cant do it alone.. i cant bear the pain alone.. so dun eva leave me..

i exchanged almoz everything i had, my happiness for sumone elses, years of my life for sumbody to have time to be wif the one they love, my dreams to keep a couple together, de most precious ting i had for sumone elses most precious person. i dunno wad else i can give already.. i onli have my faith, hopes and god. i cant giv faith away becoz its nt sumthing exchangeable, cant give hopes away, coz sumtimes they fail, i cant give god away, or i wud be nth.. theres nth more i hv to give... but wadeva i can stil give, i wud stil give

i dun feel foolish, but sumtimes i feel lonely and lyk nobody cares... i dun think dats de case, but i do feel dat way sumtimes, and it is at those times, when i feel realli tired, and feel lyk wad ive done, was for nth, absolutely nth..

but niwaes, im still gonna smile, even if im sad, coz nbdy likes seeing a sad person.. so i muz be happi!! =)

loves [aollovin]

sumtimes i wish i was psychic.. not as in telekinetic lyk jean gray.. but more of lyk ESP.. the gift of extraordinary sensory perception.. that lets me noe how exactly ppl feel.. den i wudnt be so dumb.. den i wud noe when ppl were feelin sad, den i wud able to hlp them..

sumtimes i wish i had sumthing like de midas touch, except, i dun want to turn ppl to gold, i want a kind of touch dat can lyk make ppls problems go away.. den they wudnt hv to be sad, and fret over unhappi stuff...

sumtimes i wish i had a magic eraser dat cud wipe clean bad memories and bad stuff ppl once experienced.. make them totalli forget about it.. den lyk dat, dey wud nv look back and feel sad.. they wudnt be afraid to reminisce as well..

sumtimes i wish i had a magic foldable broom and dustpan dat could fit in my pocket den when i see bad ppl i cud sweep them up and dump them in de dustpan and den throw dem away.. ahahas.. dis way bad ppl will not do bad tings.. lols

sumtimes i wish i had a vacuum cleaner dat cud suck aways ppl pain.. "ZOOOP" and tadah, presto!! no more pain and suffering.. lyk dey den dey wun be sad and unhappi... how nice..

haiz.. if wishes were miracles, i wudnt be human.. sighs.. well i dun have anithin i mentioned above.. all i have is de ability to cry for ppl.. den after dat.. i can pray.. and dats about all i can do... how useless can i get?? why cant i just take aways ppls unhappiness??? why do i hv to see ppl i care for, feel sad and hurt.. its so unfair!!! and why isz dat de wicked are allowed to do as they wish?? why isz dat they can harm ppl as they wish?? why do their wishes come true, but not those hu are innocent.. but sadly, i dun believe in revenge.. (ure lucky, if not i wud curse u until u die) sighs... so helpless and useless...

i juz wish i was more help...

loves [aollovin]

it was meant to be a great day... it started out great too!! i went to lot ones mac to teach fab math, ck, loy and ziq went too... taught them all a little bit onli... wells, guez im not realli a gud teacher.. but its okae.. bout 1 hr ltr, dey longer wanted to study alr, so dey decide to go play ball.. whether its soccer or not, im not sure.. yahs.. juz as i was about to leave with them, it suddenli occured to me dat i wasnt suppose to be there, i felt more and more out of place.. so i went home... yes im a spoilsport, but i felt i cudnt face them any longer.. ahh wells..

todae in skool, i was pretty bushed.. thx to my ice lemon tea den i didnt faint.. lols.. and of coz, i got a piece of mooncake from june.. thankew!!! lols..yups.. i think i may hv trash talked sum ppl, i realli ought to stop doing that, wad makes me better den others??!! i realli gotta stop judging ppl.. sighs

well i dun feel lyk bloggin much todae.. not realli in de mood, ive gotta go get myself happi again.. i muz continue practising the art of smiling all dae.. sighs.. realli dun feel lyk smiling now..

maybe what i need is to sae the final goodbye

loves [aollovin]

ahahas.. everybody look serious in dis photo... hahas.. well dis bunch of ppl are pretty seriuos niwaes.. although if u peer long enuff, u see a joker at de backs... LOLS!!!


woahs.. dis looks warm.. ahahas.. nice =))

okaes i noe i look damn stupid.. ahahas.. benja was havin fun wif yj though, im lyk a xtra.. lols.. bleax too bad..

hahas.. i got photos on my blog alr!!! finalli!! lols.. hope u lyk dem!! =)

loves!! [aollovin]

now dat im back to being happi.. i can finalli talk bout my fav singers!!!! AHHH!!! lols.. lemme tell u arhs, beyonce has a super mega power smooth yet strong voice!!! there are sum songs dat u juz cant afford to miss, theres [irreplaceable], and [deja vu] and even traces of it in destiny's child [emotions] woots.. she is one hawt singer lahs.. my idol!!!
of coz there are others!! theres also christina milian [gonna tell everybody] its a great song too!! den theres keisha white [so sick(reply to ne-yo)] and not forgettin letoya [torn] hahas.. im so into rnb now.. its nice!!

hahas.. todae was okae i guess, i wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, i wasnt upset.. lols.. nth can get me down, im all set to stay dis way!! lets see, hmms is there anithin worth mentionin? oh yeah there is.. taikoon was makin fun of me and angeline!! so mean.. hahas.. so i and angeline decided to ignore him!! muahhahas!! yups it was funni and fun too!!

of coz its yj bdae todae!!! HAPPI BDAE!!!!! hahas, hope u lyk de presents and note.. ahahas.. u shud thank ming most for it though, she planned this mini surprise bdae celebration, i was onli her accomplice.. muhahas.. took pics!!! whee!!! but i dun hv them yet, shall post them de moment i get them!! lols.. it was fun, hope u enjoyed it yj!!

ahhs now lets see... todae was de emath retest, it was pretty ez i guess, i shud be able to scrap at least a b3.. i hv to lahs, if not i cant minus 2 pts... hahas.. yah but it ws okae.. not too tuff, esp paper 1, it was totalli doable... i juz hope i do well, good lucks to everyone else hu took de test yah?

my aunt sent me a realli swt msg todae... it was realli nice of her.. thankew so much!! oh dear, i hvn reply yet.. yups yups, shall do it asap..

di smsed me and called me todae. which was kinda lyk a surprise to me.. hahas.. but it was a pleasant surprise nevertheless, but im still hvin certain doubts bout wad im doing, but since i alr made up my mind, i gues i shud face all consequences alone..ltr he callin me, hmms, but i said dunid.. hmms, so do i wait for de call?? lols juz wait lors..

wad todae post veri long.. hahas.. hmms i think i still hv stuff to tok about, but i gotta rush and do eng compo, if i dun, dina and clara will get into lotsa trouble.. mayb i shud purposeli dun do.. hmms.. MUAHAHA!!! NO LAH!! im kd!! lols.. kaes i shall go do it now.. gotta call clara too.. muz discuss.. lols..

my lord, i thank u for removin my blindness to de many wonderful things i possess, dun let me be blind again ok? lols.. love yas!!

loves and smiles!!! [aollovin]

when life realli gets u down and u lose all hope and dreams, when everything comes crashin down on u and yet u still survive and pull thru, den uve juz grown stronger. ive come to realize dat me being unhappi and sad, doesnt make my life any happier, blaming de whole world doesnt remove my guilt, gettin angry and upset doesnt make me feel any better.

ive gotta be strong, ive gotta live life, ive gotta smile, and dats de me i noe, pursuin my dreams, believin in good, hoping for de best, stayin positive no matter wad... de more life gets me down, de more i want to be happy.. i aint gonna let life live me, i live life!! WOOTS!! lols..

i believe god has been puttin me thru a test, honestly i think i failed it when i said i gave up, but no matter, there are many more tests awaitin me, and de nxt time, im gonna pass them, every failure makes me stronger den de last, i believe there will come a dae in which i will be able to overcome all unhappiness even when everything seems to be against me..

also i noe i have frens hu wud awaez be there for me...
:everybody from my cls 4/3
:yj, ming, weiling, benja from 4/1
:terin, aloysius, ck, ziq

also my family membs hu hv never eva left me
:pa, ma, mei, di, de baby due march 2007 and my special bro!!

and of course de lord hu has de onli one hu could understand how i realli feel and i can be totalli honest with..

see i have so many ppl hu care for me!!! why shudnt i be happi!!?? and i wanna share my happiness wif everybody else!!
i wanna make ppl smile all dae... lols.. laugh all de time.. HAHAHAS feel happi aniwhere anitime.. whees!!!!

if life gets u down.. it realli hard to stand up again, but i noe sumhow or rather, u will find de strength, in ani case, if anibody feels lyk they nd sumone to tok to, i awaez hv a free ear to lend.. i onli charge 1 buck per min, ahahas, ahh heck i give everybody 100% discount.. wait.. doesnt it make it free den?? LOLS!!

kaes, keep smilin yah? if u hv to cry, den let it all out, budden after u cry, if u hv to smile, plz smile also.. kaes? hahas.. god bless all of ya!! esp those hu care for me!!

loves!!! [aollovin]

i give up

sumtimes i realli ask myself why i care so much when no one else gives a damn... isz coz im stupid? or isz coz im dumb? maybe idiotic? or isz being retarded? i dunno, well, i do noe dat all de crap i go thru has been self inflicted.. if i didnt care so much, i wudnt hurt so much..

but i cant stop myself... i cant just turn away and pretend i dun noe anithing... its just wrong.. and when i do, it makes me feel damn lousy and guilt ridden.. eva played tug of war? yea its fun alright, provided u arent de rope they are pullin on. not fun at all.

i dun wan to be a monster.. dun let me become one.

u noe magnets are such funni stuff, they have two extreme ends of totalli different properties, one north, one south, two different polarities and yet, still exsist in perfect harmony.. why cant i be de same??
a part of me saes its silly to try so hard, but another part saes its for a good cause and is totally worth it.
a part of me wants to be juz realli sad and self pityin, lyk as if de whole world let me down, but another part of me tells me to stay happi, stay strong and positive for others, so dat when others fall, i might catch them..
a part of me says people dun care, they never do and never will, and dat im just being foolish and self decievin, but another part saes dat ppl hu care are everywhere and if u show dem love and sincerity they will do de same for u.
a part of me wants to change to fit the world, if u stay in a nest of vipers, u change into a viper as well to stay unharmed, if u stay in a cave of werewolves u change urself into one to hurt others b4 they hurt u. but another part of me wants me to stay true to my hopes and dreams, stay true to de things i believe in, stay strong for others and myself.

so wads wad? wads right wads wrong? wads good wads bad?

because ive been a monster b4, i noe i dun wan to turn back into one again, but i do admit it was much easier when i was a monster, u hurt others b4 they hurt u, u hide behind masks and deceit, plotting, scheming... its realli horrifying and when i think back, i even fear myself. but though i wasnt truely happy, i was nv truely sad either... after all wads lying to urself when u lie to everyone else.

but it isnt wad i want, i dun want others to suffer at de expense of my happiness.. how can i be so cruel?! but why do i feel cruelly treated as well? why do i feel so sorely used? am i realli a ride dat u sit only when ure happi, get down when u get sick of it? den when u feel bored, u decide to sit again, den after dat get bored again, get down again. neither am i a toy, dat u play wif when u feel lyk it, chuck into de cupboard when u get sian, den one dae u open den u find it, den u play again, den sian again, den chuck one side again.

i cannot sae all these to anione because no matter how hard i try, i nv want to put my probs on others, lyk as if other ppl dun hv enuff probs of their own, but i realli wish dat for the first time in my life, sumone can actualli be there for me.. so far de onli person capable of dat is the lord..

however i do noe dat there are still some hu cares, ppl hu hv nv treated me good one moment and cold de next .. and i sincereli do thank all of u veri much.. if u can realli feel my appreciation, u will noe hu u are when u read this. if u dun, den dun pretend u do.

where is de warmth i seek?
de comfort my heart needs?
the light dat brings me back
out of de cold harsh dark?
has my life been nth but a dream
shatterin hopes i believe in
is my trust nth but a lie
but it wun be long till my heart dies

no longer believe [aollovin]

why do i still feel lyk im lost?? i dun undst... i thought i made my choice.. but still its lyk im hovering in between spaces.. and i dunno which way is right... my lord wad are u tryin to tell me.. i realli dunno wad u want me to noe.. did i make de wrong decision, or is dis ur punishment for me?

i feel lyk ive lost everything.. lyk i hv nth that trueli is mine, i lost a part of me and i dunno where to find it.. where are my hopes?? where are my dreams?? where is my love?? have i realli lost everything i held dear to me??

swimmin endlessly in dis ocean of darkness.. there are no lights around.. there isnt a lifeline which i can hold on to.. theres nobody around, i hear whispers dat come from de endless silence, teelin me to give up.. all im holdin on to is de smiles ppl gave me b4.. de happiness i hv felt b4, the feelin of being so loved.. but its fadin away.. i feel myself struggling to keep my head above de water.. im tired.. im just plain tired... how long more till i sink beneath it all? where is de warmth my heart seeks? where is de voice dat pulls me back? wheres de lifeline to guide me back to safety? where are de smiles i love to see, the laughter i delight in hearing? drowning...

ive been fighting so long, both against de cruelty of de harsh reality and de cold evil selfishness in my heart to believe i can bring joy to people hu weep. but my defenses fall and ebb slowly.. it wun be long b4 i change to protect myself from furthur hurt... wad kind of monster will i become???

drowning [aollovin]