im contemplating quiting school.

replies:

naz: heyy!! thanks for tagging.. ahh, its been so long since i last talk to you. i miss you very much. im sorry for the all the gloom. things just arent going quite well for me. but hey, hope you are doing great! update me ok?

edwina: thank you dear edwina, your presence is ever so comfortingg.. :) you're right, some people dont even have the chance to live and its so tragic, imagine the pain and grief his loved ones have to go thru.. and he will never get to be with any of them again. its unfair, why he has to suffer so. if i could, i wish i could take his place. its really so tragic. and it makes me mad why god willed it this way. god oh god, why??

sophie: bruda... thanks for all the advice today. you make a lot of sense, but sadly im not sensible, never was. my emotions have always ruled me and its just really really hard for me to keep trying. i dont know what to do. i really dont.

yang: heyyy clara!! hahas, really long time no talk. sadly everytime you come you must be overwhelmed by my depressing posts. hahas, im really sorry, hopefully life is going well for you. hahas not exactly, regarding your take on love, because if you have no feelings, there is no love, it has to be tgth, not seperate. but i agree its the feelings that hurt, and not love itself. i wish i was happy too. i really wish i was. siao dont apologise, i really appreciate the concern, thanks so much.. it helps. it really does.

sihui: hey S!! hahas, i know lah, i just had to ranted and vent my feelings that day, i still love her very much, but sometimes her insentivity and overbearing ways can get to me. but no matter what, i know she loves me.. very much. hahas, are we still gg back to css this friday?

someone: hello someone, unfilial is an understatement, i was a horrible ingrate, a disgusting bastard. hahas, yea. but i still had to find a way to vent my feelings. and i dont think shouting at my mum would be nice. killing myself is stupid too. but sometimes when everything crashes down on you, and you just cant take it. it just feels better to give up. maybe im weaker than others. but i no longer want to try, not after the same thing can happen time and time again, im tired. very tired. and it doesnt help when all other problems happen concurrently. haiz. but you do make sense, i guess. so yea, thanks

shitien: heyyyy, hahas, praying.. i wonder if god will even hear me. im such a loser, he probably hates me alr. okay, maybe not, but i bet he's upset with me for being so worthless and dejected. haiz. i miss god. very much. thanks shitien.. cya around in school..

end replies.

i really dont want to try anymore. i cant handle everything.

and it hurts so much to be hurt so many times.

im only human. a weak one.

i cannot keep going through the same pain over and over again. i cant.

let us study math today.

happiness = sadness

this is because happiness can "cancel" off happiness. watch.

happiness - sadness = 0

see!

sadly this equation does not apply to me.

my equation is

happiness < sadness

and i'll never be happy. watch.

sadness - happiness > 0

sigh.

of course, its all a matter of perception. you may think my life is happiness > sadness. you may be right.

and if you are. then what happened to my smiles and laughter?

i AM clinically depressed. found a book on depression my mum bought a few years back. there were a list of symptoms there, the only one that didnt qualify is "irregularities of period" hahas. of course, i dont have it cause i aint female.

if not maybe. i'll have it too.

but so what if im clinically depressed? my problems stay, my unhappiness stays, my feelings of loss and grief stay... all my negativity stays. being clinically depressed only means im too weak to deal with things.

maybe i do need the counsellor.

its worth a shot i guess.

or maybe i really need to run away from it all. live in a world of my own. no matter how nonsensical and fantasy-like it is. at least there, things are so simple.. so so simple.

i need a break.

but theres no stopping for me.

my lord, no more breathing please...

i dont know how much more i can take this. it hurts too much for me to bear, but yet i want to persevere and keep holding on. i dont want to lose my feelings, but why is it that i have to cry?

isnt loving someone suppose to be beautiful?

guess not.

but its suppose to be selfless anyway so i shouldnt bother about my emotions. as long as you're happy. then so am i. yups.

its just so hard.

sighs. why do i always suffer this way?

constantly torn in between my own self interests and others.

anyway, someone said i had a very strong mind, strong as in it can affect my body very easily. and i kind of agree. but it happens to be subconcious though, when im conscious, my mind is damn weak lah.

lol.

im really quite tired.

actually, im really very tired. i appear sad because i am but i smile because i dont want you to worry and i hide because i dont want you to see me unhappy.

but its so tiring.

my balloon isnt blown out of proportion. i think it isnt fair to say that our problems are like balloons. its not like as if we purposely blow them up, we arent retarded you know? who would purposely blow big balloons and bring misery to themselves?

ever thought sometimes its the environment that causes the balloon to expand? like heat from the environment? of course there can be no total absolving of one's own guilt. but there are other factors in play as well.

ahh. i dont care already lah.

im tired.

very.

but im going to keep trying. to keep loving. even if i have to keep hurting. i guess this is how god must feel all the time.

loving someone doesnt mean owning someone.

loving someone doesnt mean spending infinite amount of time together

loving someone is irrational.

loving someone means when that person is happy, you're happy too.

loving someone means sacrificing anything for that person.

loving someone means thinking about how to make that person smile.

loving someone means taking away all that person's pain and suffering.

loving someone hurts.

and thats the way it goes.

hahas.

and today i was treated very unfairly. but i dont even want to explain myself, or defend myself. why should i anyway? it doesnt even matter.

i tire of school.

im tired of trying.

why should i anyway?

everyone seems to think im this lazy useless freeloading good for nothing anyway.

and its my fault.

again.

so why should i bother anyway.

replies:

unnamed: hello!! who are you? do i know you? hmms, its also ridiculous why everything around my life has to revolve around that cert anyway. its damn stupid. arent other things impt too??

you know, i really believe that deep down inside, you guys really do care for me, are worried for me and really want me to be happy. and i truely do appreciate that, i do.

but i think i need to let you know that, in the course of caring, you really hurt me as well. i mean really, is what i believe in so wrong? tell me. give me a definite answer, and why so? and if what i believe in is wrong, that what makes yours right?

please dont get me wrong, i dont question your own values and morals, i dont think they are wrong either, but is my beliefs wrong only because of your inability to accept that im different or is it really because im wrong?

am i wrong to place complete trust in my friends?
am i wrong to want to go out of my way to make others happy?

i admit. i have faults. PLENTY of them. and i need you to point them out to me. i dont mind, i appreciate it in fact.

but why do you want to change the way i treat others?

everyone asks me why i try so hard, why am i so naive, why am i so stubborn.

but isnt it worth it? i was able to do what i do for such a long time because your smiles and laughs are reward enough for me. i love to see that smile on your face, i love the sound of your laughters. thats all! and i would do anything to be able to bring that smile to your face, to hear you laugh. when you guys are happy, so am i.

is that so hard to understand?

things like money, if i could actually use money to buy this happiness no matter how insignificant, why not? if i have to go a little extra mile for you just so you can be happier, no matter how little it is, why not?

the problem is that, you guys dont laugh and smile anymore. in fact sometimes im labelled as dumb, silly. how would i feel then?

i dont think im noble. i dont think im saintlike. not in the least bit, in fact i think the worst of myself because i know of all my weaknesses and sins. BUT! i am proud and so glad to call you guys my friends. i would not hesitate to say that my friends are better than others. i can brag about you guys all day. because despite all my shortcomings, i always felt you all would continue to be there for me, to support me and help me. to also try and understand how i feel.

my thinking and ideals arent wrong. and you know it hurts when you tell me i cannot survive when i go out into society next time. so what makes you think you all will? everyone is so determined im doomed when i move on, INCLUDING my parents.

obviously you all have no idea how much it hurts when you tell someone that. mum and dad as well, stop telling me how i should live. stop telling me how this person is bad and that person is evil!! and the rest of you too!! its sickening. i place my all my trust in all of you because i believe that none of you would ever want to hurt me. and until now. I STILL DO BELIEVE THAT! so unless you guys have been using me, why are you so afraid of me trusting everyone?

yes. i understand that there will definitely be people who will hurt me, who will use me and eventually destroy me. but, so? you mean just because of that i have to start doubting? i have to lose complete trust in all of you? dont you find it sad? that you cant even trust those around you.

im sorry, but i may be sad when one day someone bad tries to ruin me. but you guys will always be sad because you cant even trust those around you.

also you do not understand the concept of happiness is not about how much you have, but how much you share.

and you will never understand the meaning of love because there you wont even want to sacrifice your own self interests. (smth that i havent really been able to do as well)

guess what. im tired of trying to explain myself already. im so sick and tired of people telling me what to do, sick and tired of people disregarding my feelings, disregard the fact that i can be upset and yet do nothing to prevent it.

but im going to go on living the way i want to. i dont care about the future. dont care about what happens tomorrow or next year or etc etc. because i always believe if i meet with any mishaps tmr. at least i will die not regreting the way i lived.

is it the same with you?

when your life flashes past you, would you have wished you lived differently?

so yea, im going to continue being naive as so you call it. im going to continue being foolish and believe anything you tell me. and i would go on trying hard to make those i love happy.

thats my choice. and if you really are my friend, you will support me. if not, then nevermind.

no my anger isnt abated. nor is my indignance. but i tire of petty ways and silly schemes.

and i shouldnt have to cheapen myself to stoop to your level. i shouldnt have to go against my conscience, my heart and morals. i compromise nothing, and you will get no satisfaction out of the situation.

my lord, i believe you who are all seeing, will see that the wicked are punished duely. myself included. but i accept your judgement and your punishment. and i really mean to repent for my sins. pray, do forgive me my lord. as always. but do put the wicked to rest.

i ask for your strength, your grace, your guidance to lead me to the right path. and that this time i may stay on this path.

i apologize again for those i may have hurt. but your forgiveness is not what i seek. your forgiveness means nothing anyway. not if you're guilty of exactly the same. but apologies are due when they are due. and i'll say it anyway.

ahhh. its nice to go back to silly ideals and daydreams. complete with a tinge of reality this time as well. i cant hate you. but i cant love you either. lol. how controversial.

cheem.

yup.

not my problem though.

i will master the art of all NOT seeing.

woke up with a horrendous headache today. thanks head. i feel so great now.. well done head, well done.

now i missed math consultation. shit it.
along with my history retest.
wtf.

an old song. but still sad all the same.

[Verse 1 - Aundrea]
Lately, I've been tryna fight whatever's pulling us under
it's got a hold and really making me wonder
what it takes to get through
I gotta stick with you, my baby
Baby tell me:
Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting
But being without you I can't imagine
It's just to close to the heart and
And I won't stand it if were broken apart

[Chorus - Group]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby

[Verse 2 - Dawn]
We've been cutting it close with the backwards & forwards
It's rocking the boat; we gotta get control of this
Let's take it back to three years ago
When you said that we could make it through whatever, ever
And to me it sounded like you meant forever, ever
Leaving was not an option, baby, never, never
Now don't you believe in a love that's worth a fight
In you is everything that I'm missing
So give us a chance

[Chorus]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby

[Verse 3 - D. Woods]
Don't you dare tell me we gotta let it go...
We been on top for too long just to let it go under
I don't wanna hear that
I just can't hear that
and know
Wherever you wanna take me
I'll go
I been with you for too long to start over with another
I know that you hear me
Just tell me you hear me

[Chorus]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

why do things hurt so much sometimes? why do i give my feelings so easily and always end up with nothing but hurt.

yah, i wish i wasnt emo too. maybe if i was a cold blooded animal, then hey yea, i wont. good idea there huh? definitely worth thinking over.

ahh shit everything lah. im sick of whatever F*** is going on in my life. heck who isnt? i aint the only one suffering, but somehow it doesnt make the pain any lesser.. doesnt make me feel any better.

i think im really immature, because i am so swayed by my emotions. i lack the resilience. i am weak. but i dont want to be strong, what for?

and then everyone will tell me, dont think about anything other than your studies, focus on your studies, pass your promos, get your good Alevel grades, get into your prefered course in university then get a well paid job, raise a family, be successful and so on

bullshit! why? because i refuse to believe my life revolves only around all these things. i refuse to believe im living only to obtain a freaking cert.

im sick. im tired. sick and tired of everyone who keep emphasising about my results, my work, school, promos, alevels whatever! im a human, not a program, i have feelings, have thoughts, have a limit. maybe your limit is bigger than mine, but thats why you are you and i am me.

what future? what this what that. i dont care anymore. enough already.
maybe im really not cut out for studying. im starting to believe i will never be able to make it. but nobody cares anyway, my parents wont understand. but if its one thing im most tired of, is studying just to make my parents happy. its always been like this, the moment i recieve good results is about oh, mum will be so happy. she will smile and be so cheerful. but im not. to me, good results is just to make my mum and dad happy, because i love my parents very much and i dont want to let them down. but i cant do it anymore. im too tired, its not in me to study. i wish they'll stop forcing me.

im being so selfish. but im tired of trying to put myself in another person's shoes. why dont someone do that for me instead?

im sick of trying to please everyone.

and i think i really dont want to do that anymore.

im sorry my lord.

hahas theres far too many things to talk about. but im not interested in talking about them.

but.

edwina's back! wooo!!

i finally got to catch up with bruda!! wooo!!

angela spoke lots of sense to me. hahas. thanks alot.

i'll never forget the 16th of august. and im not telling anyone why. lol

hahas. yups

and i got this from bruda's blog

1. The phone rings, who do you want it
to be?
lol. its a secret

2. When shopping at the grocery store,
do you return your cart?
yes! cause im nice. and of course, theres a dollar in it too. hahas

3. If you had to kiss the last person
you kissed again, would you?
hahas. yes

4. Do you take compliments well?
no. but i still like them anyway. hahahas

5. Do you play Sudoku?
whats that?

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
dont abandon me!!

7. If your house were on fire, what would be the things you would save?
i dont have a house. i have a home. LOL!

8. Who was the last person you slept in the bed with?
hahahas. er.. nvm

9. Who do you text the most?
its a secret too. heehees

10. Favorite childrens book?
enid blyton!!

11. Eye color?
black

12. How tall are you?
no im short

13. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
not this time

15. When was the last time you were at
Botanic Garden?
hahas, recently!!

16. Favorite ex?
hmm.. i like explain, no wait, i like extort, no, maybe excuse......

17. Where was the furthest place you
traveled?
dont know, it was too far away.. LOL

18. Do you like mustard?
the yellow icky gooey stuff? yes.

19. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
i prefer to sleep AND eat

21. Do you miss anyone?
no i miss someone

22. Can you do splits?
i can do combines

23. What movie do you want to see
right now?
evan almighty

24. What did you do for New Years Eve?
i shitted.

25. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
yes.

26. Do you own a camera phone?
i would if you gave me one

27. Are you a cheerleader?
no, i am many. LOL

28. Whats the last letter of your middle name?
the letter is "e"

29. Are you hispanic?
no im herpanic

31. Do you like care bears?
i like care. dont like bears

32. What do you buy at the Movies?
wheres the Movies?

33. Do you know how to play poker?
is it hot?

34. Do you wear your seatbelt?
i dont have one. :(

35. What do you wear to sleep?
i wear a bikini. so there. LOLLL!!!!

36. Anything big ever happen in town
area?
yah. i saw the very BIG sky

37. Is your hair straight or curly?
i dont know. i'll ask.

38. Is your tongue pierced?
would you pierce your eyeball?

39. Do you like Liver and Onions?
im not so sure about YOU, but I am okay with them.

40. Do you like funny or serious
people better?
i like all sorts of people. yah right

41. Ever been to L.A.?
no

42. Who is on your mind right now?
hahahas. another secret

43.any plans 4 tonight?
yes. a long and dreary trip to my grandma's house

44. Whats your fav. song at the moment?
gotta go my own way

45. Do you hate chocolate?
yes. cause they make me fat

46. What do you and your parents fight
about the most?
we fight about how naive and idealistic i am.

47. Are you a gullible person?
erm. actually it depends.

48. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
hehes. im not sure. but i would be happy of course.

49. If you could have any job what
would it be?
for now, i want to be a waiter.. serving people is so fun

50. Are you easy to get along with?
ehhh. hahas

51. What is your favorite time of day?
i like night.

52. Are you generally a happy person?
hahas. actually i am. but im also generally a emotional kid. LOL

replies:

naz: nAZ!!! hahahhas, yayyy.. i miss you soo.. hahas, nothing happened lah. i just.. feel that way. ahaahas. im so sorry if it depresses you.. maybe i should delete that post. yups. hahahahas. how are you?? doing fine?? unpack alr?? missing me?? LOL!! take lotsa care!!!! X)) I MISS YOU!

angela: hahas. thanks. i guess ure right. but im like too imperfect alr. loll. yahh.. cya soon!!! X))

end replies

i just watch dbsk cry.

and i cried HARDER THAN EVER.

thanks.

lol.

inspiration.

my "so much, and/but" list

- i have so much to do. but im not going to do it.
- i have so much to say. but im not going to say it.
- i have so much to exercise. and im going to do it
- i have so much fats. and im so sad.
- i have so much complaints. and im going to complain anyway.
- i have so much anger. but im not going to be angry
- i have so much money. but its monopoly money. :(
- i have so much to pray. and im going to do it.
- i have so much to so much. but im not going to so much anymore.

hahahhas. tell me about random.

i think my fuse in incredibly short these days. of course, it still takes alot for me to blow up in front of others. but actually im KA-BA-BOOMING away in me. hahas. i have no idea how i can make something so serious sound so silly. ahahahas.

i need a break. i need to go into insolation. i need to be a hermit. i need a cave, where i can hide in. but the cave must have aircon, a bible, a kitchen, a fridge, a uzap, a exercising machine, a computer, a phone, a bed, a tv, cable, bathroom and a cat. i'll bring my dbsk ipod along with me too. but you dont have to know that. hahahas. anyone know where i can find this cave?

lol.

i just need to be alone. to be with god. to learn how to serve others again. to learn how to be more forgiving, be more compassionate, be more selfless, be more accepting, be more sensitive and be more godly. wahh.. i think i should have a "be more" list too. hahas

(im sorry, i just realize that whatever i typed below is very.. erm.. disturbing. i wouldnt suggest reading it. i only typed it out, because its my only way to vent everything im withholding. so please dont go on, if you dont like disturbing stuff, im very serious about it.)

im dead serious.

im really considering distancing myself from everyone before i become a major pest and asshole. or maybe i already am. then in that case, i want to distance myself from everyone before i become a bloody effing bastard. or have i also reached that stage already? lol.

lord, save me.

it hurts to see myself slip furthur into a monstrous state. it doesnt only hurt, it scares me. am i capable of such evil things?? i am. and its so... so.. disgusting, hateful, so.. wrongg.

i dont think im emoing, im not. im reflecting, and what i see in my reflection is this.. this... THING. this FREAK.

and the problem is, i cant change! i dont know how to. it isnt so simple like, hey im wrong, i need to change, that sort of thing anymore. i utterly abhor myself. and why shouldnt i? and why shouldnt others? i have a million apologies to say. i want to say sorry to you, and you and you you you... i have a million things to make up for my mistake.. i have a million things to be forgiven.

but even if you were kind enough to forgive me, i wouldnt forgive myself. my lord, you would forgive me, but i wouldnt. if there was this lift that allowed me to go to heaven and hell, i would go to hell instead. because i feel i belong there.

this is what happens when i try to take over my life. good job ben. look at all thats happened? you have no one but yourself to blame. you forsake your beliefs, you forsaked the lord, and you forsaked your heart. you chose this path. and now you have to suffer for it.

maybe you think im just making a big hoo-ha out of nothing. but i know very well how much i've changed, the things im capable of doing, the hurt that i can cause, the schemes and plots. the twisting of my mind. the warped thoughts in my head.

i no longer trust myself enough to be around people.

ive become the very person that ive sought to avoid my entire life. someone who lives only for himself, who destroys others to ensure his own survival. someone who believes the world is a dark place full of deciet, lies and self preservation. realitist? i dont think so. try BEAST, CREATURE, IT

I REALY REALLY HATE THIS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I ABHOR WHAT IVE BECOME!!!

yea, i would destroy myself. i would. if only i wasnt so afraid of the pain. and there you go. something more to add about myself. a coward.

tell me, dont i just rock the world.

ben. u sick bastard. just do everyone a favour and disappear.

its no longer called monday blues. its monday blacks. cause right now my face is damn black, i.e. im damn pissed lah. its already crazy that we have lots and lot aND LOTS of work to do, but the school has to arrange a timetable such that we end at 6.30!! and not forgetting that bludy PE is the last lesson.

its so not fun for people like me who requires an hour just to arrive home. its draining, tiring, pissing, and anything negative that ends with a ING.

ahh. whatever.

loud ringtones are funny. hawhawhaw.. -.- i'll beat you anytime with my dbsk ringtones. so there.. if i had my old hp that is. lol

there is a HISTORY TEST tomorrow. guess what? i dont care. im too frigging tired.

and i'll complain ALL i like because i have the right to. because this is HORRIBLE!! its just plain mean!!! its torture!! oh the trUAMA!!!

damn drama lah. ahahhas

if there was a wishing star now, i'll wish i'll be ill tomorrow. no wait, i'll wish for dbsk new album to come tmr THEN i'll wish to be ill tomorrow. hahas
unfortunately the only stars i see now are those floating around my head.. so prettyyy..

haha.

anyway, on a happy note, edwina's coming back this thursday.. hahas, i did miss her.. even though... SHES ONE HELL OF A MEAN!! hahahahas.. oops. i hope she doesnt depreive me of my present just cause i said that. hahahas

anyway, today yuzhe said there should be a cliff named after me, something along the line of saint ben's cliff, why a cliff? cause he said thats what i'll do, jump off a cliff. anyway, i dont think its saint ben's cliff, its more like the emo devil cliff. but who cares. its still cool to have a cliff named after me..

the 9th wonder of the world... "EMO DEVIL"S CLIFF" instant cure for emoness. just jump off.

lmao.

anywayyyy... after blogging, i shall go to my bed and then i'll faint. you know i used to play this game called HARVEST MOON, where you're suppose to be this farmer and look after your farm. and when you worked too much, you turn blue in the face, and if you continue without taking heed, you'll faint.

how random.

but i like it anyway.

ironically, i named the farmer ben.

cool.

and im just going on and on and on and on.

i need to faint now.

bye. lolll

replies:

angela: hahahas, im too tired to do anything already. i dont even feel like dbsking now.. hahahas and you, dont drive a wedge between me and siokxin ok? rahhh.. you horrible person.. ahahahaas. kdkd. good luck studying for history!!

siokxin: hahahas, i hope i stay true to it too man. and whats with the archaic language these days.. hahas, everybody's where art thouing, thou shalt.. come on man. whatever happen to plain old english?? ahahahas. ure not a pj buddy lah. ure in aj now, so ure a aj buddyy,, ahahaas

sophie: remember what i said about singing songs ok? hahas, sometimes people really dont mean what they say, so just treat it like they singing a really bad song which you dislike, and not listen lah. hahas. cheer up ok?? dont let me catch your bad vibes again.. hahas. and yes! lets go out soon!! X) dont worry, im coping well too. i think. hahas.. yahh..

end replies.

and i just realized. i miss my pj buddies so very much.

where are all of you!!!??

X(

and naz. i miss u too. grah.

and so the long weekends are coming to an end. and its back to school again. and I NEED TO EXERCISE!! hahas. i never thought i'll be saying this lah. but yah. i shall start an exercise regime. if food and sleep doesnt win me over that is. hahahas

yesterday night was kind of... enlightening. yet kind of sad as well. hahas. i think experiences with god are cool, yet they always change you in certain ways. well, i hope this time the change stays for good. :)

and now i bid farewell to my emo days!! hahahas. there can no longer be such thing as emo. hahas, not in the bad way as least. no more wallowing in self pity, no more hating myself, no more this and that and the endless list of blah blah blah etc etc etc... hahahhas

im praying again.

cool.

and im praying for EVERYONE. its hard to imagine how but it can be done ok!!

i realize if love can be given a real value, we'll all be the richest people on earth!! cause its the one thing that you give but yet have more of. hahas. so darn cool.

pending assignments.

nightmare.

ew.

begone.

lol.

and i would like to say, the world is SO NICE!!! and i am NOT retarded. stop giving me that look. ahahahas.

wheres my lunch!! rahhh

hahas.

heres a BIG HEART out to everyone!! lolll

replies:

syafs: hahahas thankew dear syaff.. hahas, you've always been a real comfort.. and you should know, you're worth so so much more as well.. sometimes it would seem that the world just doesnt seem to have room for you. but thats never true. well at least there will always be room for you in my heart. lol. so cheesy lah. but heyy.. dont give up on yourself. things will get better, you just have to believe in people, believe in the world, believe in yourself. have faith k? things WILL work out right. i just know it X)

angela: ahahahahas, dont worryy lahh.. i dont think i'll ever be emo again. hahas, or at least i will try my very best. and and and.. im so waiting for dbsk's new album!!! arent you just excited?? loll. cya in skool!! X)

edwina: hello edwina!! hahahas. eeeyer, boycott my blog. so mean lahh.. ahahas. but understandable i suppose. i think my blog does have this really depressing effect. wahahahas. maybe i'll go change the blogskin after all.. hmmms.. and cya real real soon!!! X))

siokxin: hahahas, dont feel guilty lehh.. hahas ure making me feel guilty as well. haahh.. pw is just another subject in school. lets just do our best lah. yah? hahas. dont think so much about it. yups see ya in skool!! hahas. and i think i might actually look forward to gg to school. hees X)

sophie: heyyy dear brudaaa. hahas yahh. alot of problems, sometimes when theres too many problems, maybe we should actually think about how some may be self inflicted? hahas, cause i realized that all of my problems came from myself, im not sure.. but in anycase, sometimes it helps not to think about them, just hope for the best. you never know what might happen tmr, things may get better. and in the end. they will! so yah. dont dwell too much on them. for every sad thing that you face, theres always one happy thing to be glad about. really. you just have to find it. take care ok? hahas, if you need someone to talk to, find me!! yah? X))

end replies.

dear god. my replies are frigging longgg.. hahahas

I have decided i shall not let Project Work spoil things. I mean seriously, it is not true that project work brings out someone's real character. To judge someone based on some silly, A Level subject is just plain silly, a PW score reflects our ability to work as a group, our creativity, our effort.. NOT our characters.

Now thats being judgemental. And I have been judgemental. Well, it just goes to show how much more i suck.

Dear lord, tell me how to stop judging and start loving. where's mother theresa's spirit i need so badly now?? "when you judge, you do not love" so wheres the love?? wheres my love??

i am in every aspect wrong and im still finding it so hard to change.

im sorry, im sorry to all my friends out there if i ever judge you, if i ever hurt you in any way. there is no excuse, i AM at fault. and i will try to change.. i just hope i change quickly.

sometimes doing the right thing is just so hard, its so hard to know that you are going to have to compromise your own self interests just to do the right thing. but.. that isnt reason enough to do otherwise. ahhh.. how blind i have been. how selfish and self centered.

and all thats got to change.

i believe in people's good. yet i pick on their bad.

how ironic. and hypocritical.

omg.. i think i can go on listing a million bad things about myself.

i have NO self worth.

i think im the kind of person who gets murdered and people think im on a faraway holiday in timbuktu.

lol.

i want my innocence back. even if i have to be subjected as immature, childish and retarded. i want to be naive. because naive people dont plot, naive people dont hurt others, naive people dont think. they just follow their heart, they do what their heart deems right.

so yea. i want to be naive. i dont care about reality. i really dont. to hell with it for all i care. so what if i have no money, so what if i dont have riches and a comfortable life? so what if there are no big houses and cars. i dont care.

i would rather be the poorest happiest person who brings warmth to others

then be the richest saddest person who will never know what contentment is.

so yah.

naiveity!!! here i come!!!!

hahahahas.

i think i found my problem.

X))

today is national day. and guess how i spent it? i read harry potter. book 7. lol

you know im kind of convinced, characters die in a book only because the authors get too tired of thinking about your future roles. its so much more convenient to just avada kadevra and get it over with. lol. it makes things so much easier.

lazy authors.

hahas. dont be lazy lah.

tsk.

and then there was pw work to be done. i think my head nearly dropped off. my head was never one for much brainstorming anyway.. cause there isnt much brain in there too.

hahas. whatever lah.

im stupid. so yah.

i think singing requires you to be happy. cause when im upset.. my voice comes out all wrongg. so yah. lol. must be happy. maybe theres some artificial stimulant i can take to make myself more happy. lol. but the only one i know of is drugs. and i hate them. nvm. i'll try chocs. hahahas

im short. fat. stupid. fugly.

and thats how life goes

tell me about it.

byeee

replies:

edwina: hahas.. im emoing quite alot these few days. so upsetting. hahas. i hope i'll get over it soon. rahhh.. how can you not miss me? anyway.. u'll be back soon!! lol. hows your voice?? getting better? hahas. take care yah?? (X

end replies

hahas. what a nice day today. so many nice nice nice FAB photos!! hahas. but no, im not uploading them today. so there. hahahahas.

missed camwhoring with sophie.. hahahas. so fun..

and let me tell you, mr tan is seriously... F U N N Y. im dead serious. LOL!! hahahas, when i got my haircut, he was like, your haircut looks nice. hahas so nice right?? wait.. he added, at least you look like a human now. GRAHHH!! and photo taking. omg. lmao off lah. hahahahas

i wish naz was here too. oh wth. i miss you.

anywayy..

sorry people for not replying your tags! i thought it was wierd to be emo then suddenly go reply tags. hahahas.

so here are the replies.

and angela. they arent yours. THEY"RE MINE!!!! bwahahahahahahs.

DBSK ROCKS!!!!!! WHOOOOO

replies:

siokxin: lol, yah i noticed too. but there isnt really much to blog about anyway.. hahas. or at least, i dont think i can possibly type out everything i feel. yahh.. hahas.

angela: BLEAH!!! they are mine tooo.. T.H.E.Y A.R.E M.I.N.E T.O.O. hahahahahahhahahas

edwina: edwina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh, how i missed you!!! hahas, come back quick!! school aint the same without youuu!! hahas what happened? how'd you lose your voice? take care lehh.. and and and I MISS YOU!!! i thought i said that already.. hahas. lol, emo is a must for me, i already reduced it alot alr lehhh.. hahhas relinked!!

sophie: didnt see me?? hahahas, okayy.. anyway.. today was so nice!!! hahahas, i miss camwhoring with you!!! lol!! and and and, yah i miss you!! hahas.. not the you're gone that kind of miss.. lol.. you get what i mean lahh.. ahahas.

shitien: lOL!! hahas its with you?? really?? i didnt know lehhh.. whahahhaas, orrhhh.. you... horrible person.. steal my hp6.. shame on you.. im disappointed.. yes i amm.. tsktsk.. ahahahahs!! kd lah. juz return it when you want to lorr.. X)

end replies

hello. its time to emo again.

hahas its been a really long time since i last emoed ok? im due for one alr. hahahas, what rubbish right?

life's really a stinking pile of socks now.. what a wierd analogy but i dont care. because life STINKS!! and it stinks to the highest of heavens!!

im not myself anymore. i tried my hardest not to change, not to be someone who lives for myself but for others. but in the end, it still happened, it wasnt inevitable, it was just hard to resist change.

oh lord grant me strength to find myself again, please give me back patience, compassion, sensitivity, kindness, selflessness... i dont want to be this empty shell, devoid of emotions. i want to care, i want to care for everyone. why deprive me of that? why take away who i tried so hard to be.

maybe you didnt take them away. i simply didnt believe in them anymore.

i want to be ben again. i dont want to be this bloody asshole. i dont want to be a freaking jerk.

i hate myself. period.

ahh maybe i'll just find a bottomless pit and jump in.

i should just eat shit and die.. yah

ahhh whatever.

omgggg.. tell me how on earth do you NOT fall in love with dbsk??!! HOW??!!

im going crazy over their voices and songs..

LOVE IN THE ICE!!!

omgggg...

im just going to melt now..

replies:

shitien: haaahhh?? lolll, i have a book with you?? which? ahahahs. i really dont know lehhh.. hahahas, give it to me in school lahhh.. XD and we never go out for a long time already.. find a dayy!! x)

hantu: PLONK! hahas, your C&C just dropped out. naaa.. hahas, yah got lots of different flavours.. see what you like lorr!! LOL!!!

yang: hahahas its OKAYY!! dont worry.. i have no more labour pains alr. give birth already lahhh.. LOL!!! hahahas, hows lifee?? miss yaa..

sophie: brudaaa!! lol.. eh eh, lets go eat lunch one day.. like very long never get a chance to talk already lahh.. sobs.. hahahas.. cya tmr!! X))

end replies