u can nv predict wad happens in life, bad things, sad things, happi things.... dey happen whenever, wherever and whoever...

ups and downs, high and low, we just hv to face them in de end, and de reason u feel life has treated u unfairly when bad things happen is bcoz u see others enjoyin life, but in truth, its all de same, its just dat, when others suffer, u might not be in de know

hahas, aint dat the awful truth?? and usualli de ppl hu make us suffer are awaez those hu appear to be enjoyin life...

so crappy right? hahas, yea

i guess dis wud be my down time den... but sumhow it feels less bad den b4, not much, but at least its a little better, hahas, is dis calld gettin use to it?? i guess it is... and i cant believe it but im gettin use to pain... gettin use to feelin hurt..

how sad, most ppl live on to find more happiness, while a handful goes on to find more pain... while others get used to recievin all sorts of joy, others learn to deal wif the sufferin

which grp do i belong to? lols, hu noes, i... juz move on...
its lyk walkin in these rly dark tunnel, u cant see which wae is out, which way is wrong and which way is right, so u juz move, u cant stop, coz stopin gets u nowhere, so u move, juz step, step...step.... and pray rly hard, u make it out....

one step at a time, dae by dae... sumhow, sumwhere, i will be able to let go.....

it hurts but i move on [benj]

it was tiring, i was realli tired, my head was in pain, my throat was burning... but in de end i guess it was worth it... i noe it was...

i hold on to smth dat i noe isnt gg to happen, i hold on so tightly, i nv want to let it go, i wudnt even dream of it... it was ok at firz, i told myself, i cud hold on... but as time passes, it seems more and more lyk a impossible dream, one dat no matter how hard i reach...

.....will never be

it felt so nice to hear dem, but sumhw i knew they werent meant for me... and i guess, i nv shud hv persistd in this illogical dream, but since when was i logical? mine whole life has been one dat is most illogical, moz unrealistic, so idealistic... and yet i nv regreted how i lived it

its juz dat sumtimes de most illogical things hurt de most, and its realli hard for me to want to try and move on... i can try, but things will nv be de same, every one changes me frm bad to worst, i lose a part of myself with each misfortune.. how many parts are there left of me to lose?

im sad bcoz my dream is comin to an end, its lyk a alarm, waitin to ring, indicating de end of another illogical part of my life.... i can snooze de alarm as many times as i wan, but it will onli mean a prolonged time of suffering...

its funnie, nth happend, no sad thing, no bad thing or watsoever... dats probably why im feelin dis way, i cant go on wifout knowin, i cant go on wifout an answer, i hv nth more to reassure myself...

a dead end....

it can mean 3 things,

firz, i hv to go back frm whence i came, retrace my steps and hope to find an answer while moving backwards

2nd, i hv to find a wae beyond a dead end, and hope dat wad lies beyond is wad im searching for

3rd, i alr found the answer, its juz dat i cant see it... mayb i no longer hv to move animore, i hv found wad im lookin for

hahas, i dunno which is it, and wad is emant for me, right now, i'll just move, one step at a time, and hope de answer comes to me...

wad now? [benj]

guess wad, im so back into singin now.. and im singin guy songs.. FINALLY!!! lols, practisin my falsetto, and boy isz tuff or wad, my mouth hurts, and so does de area above my stomach... ouch...


okaes here comes de gross part, de part if u all read, will feel lyk vomiting, lols... but here goes aniwae, i was recordin myself on de com to hear how i snd, of coz sing wif de song lahs, so de background got lin jun jie, and my sis is lyk, i cant hear u singin... and i was lyk dats me!!! den she sae, no lahs, dats lin jun jie, i cant hear u, u sing too soft and i was lyk no dats ME!!! den she was lyk HUH!!?? den she sae, u snd lyk lin jun jie, cudnt hear de diff....

okaes, u can vomit now... LOL!!! i dunno lahs, mayb my sis abit short of hearin... hahas, but i dun think i snd too bad in dat song lahs... oh yah, de song is MU NAI YI btw... hahas.. i lyk dat song, its rly nice.. too bad last time i nv hear jj songs...

been xchangin pointers wif loy, after all he got go take part in xiao yuan superstar and he got past de audition lors... so yups, i got a pro to help me hear how i snd.. hees

hahas, thx amanda, xm, sihui and clara for taggin, sry for de late reply... sry for nt updatin too.. thx for takin time off to read my blog, dun vomit too much if u do read dis entry ok? LOL

kaes gtg, muz practise sumore, i muz perfect de song mu nai yi... =))

sING!!!!! [benj]

i hate liars and cheats.. i realli hate them, i thank god i wasnt taken in by them, hahas, lyk a idiot i even made believe such things do happen... ah wells... in ani case, pls do take care not to get cheated.. though i believe none will be as daft as me, but i will still post de two emails i recieve juz as a precautionary measure

the first one i recieve sayin i won a million pounds.. by the coca cola company

THE COCA'COLA COMPANYPROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPTCOCA'COLA AVENUESTAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON.SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOMTHE COCA'COLA COMPANY OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the (8th Oct, 2006) by Coca-Cola in conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won £1,000,000.00 each on the COCA'COLA COMPANY PROMOTION
However the results were released on the 10th Oct, 2006 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2006) and ballot number (BT:12052006/20) The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 29,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet.
However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy. The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.
This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).his lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public. In other to claim your £1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated courier company?
However, you will have to fill the form below and send it to the Promotion manager of THE COCA'COLA COMPANY for verification and then you will be directed to the courier company where a cheque of £1,000,000.00 has already been deposited in your favour.

NAME:.....................................
AGE:........................................
SEX:........................................
ADDRESS:...............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
COMPANY:..............................
COUNTRY:...............................

Please you are advised to complete the form and send it immediately to our Promotion manager through email or fax for prompt collection of your fund from the designated courier company.

(CONTACT PROMOTION MANAGER)
Name: Mr. Martin terrel
Tel:(+44) 7011130525
Te::(+44)-7024066880
E MAIL: promomanager_martinterrel01@yahoo.ca

You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained). *Staff of Coca-Cola and the British American Tobacco Company is not to partake in this Lottery. Accept my hearty congratulations once again! You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained). *Staff of Coca-Cola and the British American Tobacco Company is not to partake in this Lottery.

Accept my hearty congratulations once again!
Yours faithfully,Mr. Kolyn parkins

hahas, i went to chk de coca cola website, seeing how it was too good too be true, though i did genuinely believed it for a moment, yah u can hit me on de head, i Am dat naive.. oh yah, the cola comp ascertained dat this thing is a FAKE..

de 2nd one i recieved was frm de uk lottery

Online British Co-ordinators
Draw date 4/12/2006
Ref: XYL /26510460037/05
Batch: 24/00319/IPD

We happily announce to you the uklottery draw of the Lottery International programs held in the UK on mon 4th december 2006. Your e-mail address was attached to these lucky winning numbers below: 02 15 21 37 43 46 36which subsequently won you the lottery bonus draw.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £1,532,720 (One Million, Five Hundred And Thirty Two Thousand, Seven Hundred And Twenty Pounds Sterling) in cash credited to file file XYL /26510460037/05. This is from a total cash prize of £4,596,411 shared amongst the (3) lucky winners in this category i.e Match 6 plus bonus. To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent;(Mr Brooke Louis).Tel No:+(44) 701-113-2538E-mail : lottclaimsagen3@aim.com

Regards,Mary Martins.Online Co-ordinator.

i chked this one as well, there wasnt a draw on mon, de 4th of dec, went thru de archives, and din find aniting, and draws are onli held on wed and suns... hahas, but i cudnt find an exact copy on de net, which onli means that de tricksters are becomin better...

hahas, so ive learned not to trust this scams, though i wudnt sae juz disbelieve wad u see immediately, sumtimes we juz get plain lucky, so no harm ba, juz giv it a chk on de net, and look for similar stuff, spot errors in de mail, whether lang wise or wateva... DUN CALL DE CONTACT NO. PROVIDED!!! and if there isnt anithin wrong, den u juz became a overnight millionaire, sumtimes ppl juz get plain lucky... hahas

seriousli i dunno y im usin formal lang to type this post, sumthings wrong wif me man, i snd wierd lahs... lols.. niwae, dun get cheated hors, but i noe no one is as stupid as me to go and believe de lah... ah wells... i am super naive.. whether dats good or bad, remains to be seen...

CHEATS!!! eat SHIT AND DIE!!! [benj]

de daes are realli flyin past nwadays... while my nights extend furthur and furthur into de night... lols.. its a daily routine for me to fall aslp onli after 4am in de morn and wake up onli after 1pm in de afternn... how horrible..

lols, hahas, i guess in de night is de time when im alone, while everyone is aslp, i hv de whole house to myself, and i will start thinkin.. hahas, think abt wad? dunno, mostly abt dat person i guess, and de rest.. "is there any leftovers in de fridge?" LOL

sumtimes, i wud just make myself desert, sum ice cold lychee drink, too bad i cant use de blender.. or if not i wud make a chilled milk tea, sumtimes it wud be choc and vanilla milk mixed, other times, it wud be maggi mee i guess.. hahas, i hope i dun get too fat..

other stuff i do besides makin desert and thinkin, hmms.. sittin in front of de com playin games i guess... dun i juz snd geeky... wheres my outdoor life man... and den, sumtimes i get tired of fightin mons, i sing.. and i sing as loudly as i wan.. lols.. i forget everyone is slpin..

den singin will make me go bck to thinkin... lols.. hahas, sumtimes i even record myself to make sure im using de correct tone and key... sumtimes i experiment wif diff voices, i guess i mean diff octaves lah..

till now i still cant sing guy songs as in songs sung by guys... i will either go horribly high pitched till i become breathless [jesse mccartney] or too low until i snd lyk a toad [boyzone] lols.. why arhs? i dun hv probs when im singin songs sang by gals..

but its nt dat i hv a high pitch, ciara has a low voice too, and i can sing it okae, beyonce voice isnt exactly high pitched and i can sing it too.. hahas dunno lahs.. i juz cant find my own unique voice, im awaez tryin to mimic de singers... hahas...

i noe dis may snd horribly dumb and ridiculous of me, but i think i wanna try takin part in sg idol... okaes u can laugh now... i dun mind.. hahas, i guess i shudnt dream right? ah wells..

i wonder if ure thinkin of me now...

juz sum random stuff [benj]

"i dun undst why im hurtin so much, i guess its becoz i nv now wad ure feelin, i nv noe if im in ur mind, and i will nv noe if u rly care...

and its because u nv show it to me... why do i bother gettin so upset? why do i rush home everydae juz waitin for u... why shud i think of u, why shud i care?

i feel stupid, i feel lyk im juz dreamin so much so im in a state where im startin to distort de facts frm fantasy.. i can no longer fool myself into believin dat u care... i dun want to animore, i dun want to go to bed every night feelin sorri for myself..

i find my happinesss in u, but i guess u dun, mayb im not dat impt after all...

and if u find dat im being difficult and problematic, i'll tell u, its because i think too much of u, and u will nv undst how it feels to juz wait endlessly, juz waitin until its impossible to get smth...

i hurt so much not coz i think too much, but coz i think of u too much... and if u dun undst dat. den u nv knew me at all, i wud giv all i hv for time wif u, but wadeva time u give me is but spare, leftover pockets of time dat u feel u hv nth better to do...

but yet in my heart i noe this will go on forever... and its onli because r ivzoob olev blf...."

i hope dat anyone hu reads this, will respect dat i may nt want to talk about it, and dat if u hv questions u feel u rly nd to ask, plz do, but plz allow me to decide whether i will answer dem.. thx

r gslftsg f xzivw [benj]

hahas, kinda fell in love wif this song since sum of de lyrics realli can express how i feel...

Liang Shan Bo Yu Zhu Li Ye

and i realise de lyrics cnt be published -_- phish...
ah wells.. it means........................................................

hahas... niwae the song itself is nice too... =)

i feel lyk gg out more... haiz, im gettin so bored at home... theres juz nth to do!!! i want out!!! if not i wiLL die frm boredom!!!! HELP!!! funni why i feel dis way, considerin i juz came home frm my cls chalet... hahas

i wanna go out and teach tuition lehs... if theres anione hu noes where i can find students, plz lemme noe... it beats stayin at home doing nth... wait.. is my standard gd enuff? hahas, mayb better not, scarly i cause them to do badly...

liking sumone isnt awaez happi, since im nt de onli one hu feels dis wae... i guess dat statement stands true.. hahas, its lyk almoz every moment u think of dat person, and u wonder if dat person is doing de same.. hahas..

i believe in chinese, we call this siang si bing... lols..

i still rmb de time u leaned on me,
i felt comfort and warmth.
being with u, is more den i can eva asked for

guess wad? two posts on de same dae.. coz i realize i din blog abt the chalet.. lols.. well i think its due to the OVERWHLEMING EXHAUSTION lol!!! heys.. kdkd.. but was tired lah... fell aslp in front of de come.. YAY me.. lols

hahas, but b4 chalet, went to lot one to eat wif loy firz.. we ate kfc, i realized i eat veri little recentli.. i cudnt even finish de shrooms burgur and my drinks... lyk wth lah

den we go kia kia arnd, seriousli, there is nth to do at lot one other den gg to kbox, which i shall do so sumdae!!! i dun care!! and loy u are so gg wif me!!! okaes yah.. lols.. den we decided it was retarded to walk arnd a building so many times... so i went to loys house..

we sang sum songs, i despised his tuition teacher, and decided i wud do a better job.. LOL!!! im mean but i dun care, dat old hag deserves it... LOL!! and seriousli loy does look lyk edison chen frm a certain angle in his photo... so look alike lah!!! ScaREE.. lols.. oh equalli zhuai too.. dao i mean.. LOL!!

din spend too long a time there, ah wells nxt time den.. den i headed to gombak to meet up wif amanda, angeline and taikoon... erms i was late.. but its nt my fault!! ok mayb i t was abit my fault.. hahas.. but we had sum extra terrestrial being hu wanted to hitch a ride..

realised E.T lied to me... i dun lyk E.T... his head is too big, his neck is too long and his eyes looks more lyk toilet bowls... ahh wells.. u get de idea.. den met wif shitien, cheryl, ade and shipei..

den we went to pasir ris.. i toked wif tk in de train along de wae.. he had food poisonin due to extraordinary amts of steamboat being consumed, so he was a lil ill... i kept askin whether he ok not.. lyk so naggy lyk dat... HAHAHAS..

when we reached, we felt E.T lie again.. hmms.. not sure lah.. den davin came and we left for costa sands.. upon arrival at de bustop (plz produce ur departure tickets, lols) we took a grp photo!! so cool yah?

kaes lets jump to de cycling part... we went cycling, and all went doubles!!! cheaper lah... cept shipei, coz angeline was blading... yups, den we cycle arnd.. tk had probs wif controllin de bike.. dun blame him at all.. its tuff lors.. so i took over..

not dat i did better lah... in fact i hai tk kena serious injury... so i realised he had to sit in de front.. lols.. u dun wanna noe wad serious injury it is...we played at swings... mounted an expedition up a slide wif angelines skates to take a photo... took more photos... oh WAIT!!! dat aunties hand muz hv been lyk my osim massage chair... coz de picture was vibrating too.. so everybody looks lyk dey juz came out frm de washin machine... -.- LOL!!!

and den we continued cycling... i and tk lost our way... but lucky we did, coz we found a nice beach spot... hahas.. im a good luck charm lors... (lyk real) lols.. den we made a heart and placed all the 8 of our initials inside den we take photo wif de heart carved in de sand.. IT WAS SPLENDID!!! oH YAH!!! i fnd gandalfs staff "U SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!" LOL!!!!!

den we cycle back liao lor.. coz de bbq had started... de food was delicious... shunda was a great satay chef... i hv to giv him credit where its due lah... it was realli nice... if onli his sweat din drip on it all de time, i wud hv ate more... LOL!!!

de chicken wings were marinated wif a realli nice sauce... tasted lyk char siew sauce... lols... it was sweet and savoury... yums.. there were hotdogs too, though i suspect de table add more den de ppl did... and these wierd red and whit stuff dat tasted strangly lyk tissue paper.......................................okok im kd.. its crabstick lah!! LOL!!!

we played card games, talk trash, played ice man, virus and concentration... and we went shoppin ate sumore and played sumore.. but i cud onli tahan till 5... my hand felt lyk it was dislocated... my ankle felt lyk a pigs trotter... so i went to slp...

slp for an hr plus... den woke up.. played more cards wif sihui, june, shipei, peng tiong, fangyi... made more corny jokes... laugh sumore... talk rubbish sumore...

den abt there le lah... i went home, din join dem at escape.. my mum... obviousli... ahh wells.. at least i had a great time de previous dae and night... its enuff for me... realli wanna thank my reall good good frens... for such a wonderful and memorable time..
my all time buds: adeline, amanda, angeline, cheryl koh, clara, shitien, sihui and taikoon... hahas.
all de rest of my great freinds hu did so much and i nv realli got de chance to thank them(in no order): alicia, simeng, peng tiong, xueming, fangyi, cheryl choy, reuben, weibin, mabel, june, shipei, shunda, huishin, hope i din miss anione out...

hahas, im realli gonna miss all u guys.. its been so much fun... haiz.. wells.. its lyk dat de.. but lyk i told amanda, its never gdbye.. coz i will awaez hv u all in my heart and we wILL stay in contact.. yea.. stay cool ppl!!! ROCK ON 4/3!!!!

hahas.. thx my lord for such a wonderful time...

of chalets and all my wonderful buds [benj]

hv u eva had this feelin dat u realli wanna sae something.. u realli realli realli want it... but u juz cant... well i do... and well it realli kinda sucks... i want so much to sae it.. but i juz cant... i guess i can onli express it in songs den...

hahas.. so wad song den... nah im not gonna put it up.. im gonna sing it, and whether de song is understood... i can onli leave it up to god... hahas..

till now, im not realli sure if i sing well not.. hahas, sum ppl sae i do... others... hmms.. some nv hear me sing b4, some say it sux... some ppl nv sae anithin... lols... so im not rly sure...

ppl hu say i sing well:
my sis does.. someone's mum does too.. my dad said it in a sarcastic way(is dat gd or bad den?), someone does

ppl hu sae i dun:
ck.... lols..

ppl hu din sae anithin:
my mum... (she hates singin careers, think she doesnt wanna encourage me.. >.<), sihui, xm, clara, hazel, hu din sae anithin other den "okae lah" -_-

ppl hu nv hear me b4:
de whole world?? LOL..

but i realli lyk singin... its nt de stardom and de popularity.. okaes.. mayb abit.. but nah, de more impt one is dat, some songs realli juz express ur innermost thoughts in melodious, upbeat, funky, balladic(there such a wrd? hahas, my invention) ways

and when u sing it out, its lyk expressin ur tots and u hear it in a manner lyk no other too, while enjoyin de sounds, u feel de hmms... de truth? behind de songs? hahas, nt sure how to describe..

songs does other stuff too!!!, sum songs make u think back... even if it makes u cry... lols... sum songs make u think of de present... while others speak abit of a future dat u wan.. hahas.. kinda cool

of coz, bottomline, u hv to hv a good voice to go with it, a good sense of rhythm, NOT tone deaf, de basic techniques, lotsa practice and genuine feeling... to sing a song well..
its nt dat not everybdy can sing though.. evrybody CAN sing, whether it snds nice or not, its a totalli diff matter... hahas

me?? i dunno.. nt sure.. dun care...(lyk real) lols.. but i do lyk singin.. even if i cant sing well, i will sing it when nbdys arnd... lols.. but if i can sing well... i wanna be a lounge singer den!!! LOL!!!!

muz come peng my chang okae??? LOL!!!!! i tok lyk as if i got a good voice... -.- HAHAS

of song, feelings and hidden meanings [benj]

HEARTBREAK LULLABY

In the still of the night,
I can almost feel you lying next to me,
Like it used to be,
And its hard to let go,
When there's always something there reminding me,
How things could be,

I've tried to get you off my mind,
I've tried to play my part,
But everytime I close my eyes,
You're still inside my heart,
Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,

Like the stars in the sky,
You still keep on shining down you're light on me,
But out of reach,And I know that in time,
You will come back to your senses,
See the signs,
And change your mind,

I try to look the other way,
And keep my heart on hold,
But everytime I'm close to you,
I lose my self-control,

Why can't I laugh?
Why must I cry?
Everytime we say good-bye,
Why does it rain,Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,

Why can't I laugh?
Why must i cry?
Give me just one good reason why..
Why does it rain
Here in my heart,
Everyday that we're apart,
Why can't it be,
Just you and me,
What will it take to make you see,
These are the words,
To my Heartbreak Lullaby,[CHORUS x2]

i guess most of my feelings are in this song..
too bad its a sad song..
im still cryin.. i juz have to..
f*** it..

i wud trade all i hv, to go back and live in de past

ive hit yet another rough patch in my life.. and it seems to be the tuffest yet...

in de past, no matter how hard it wud hurt, i wud cry but wifout the sniffing and real sobbing, it wud just be tears rolling dwn my face... but now, its real cryin.. and it realli sucks.. sumtimes my eyes hurt..

i dun rly undst wad happend.. nor am i realli sure of de reason why.. but i seem to think things have change alot.. and i feel its bcoz i expect too much.. i think dats de reason why im so upset now...

why do i expect so much den? i do not noe why too.. and i cant juz lower my expectations.. bcoz den i wud giv differently too.. theres awaez sumone hu has to give more.. am i de one givin more, or am i just foolin myself?

im sad..

tried singin to forget... sang until i became breathless.. and it still didnt work... and god realli played a cruel joke on me... even while outside, i had to hear de song u sang.. and de lyrics were lyk... mocking me.. hahas, i almoz cried out at dinner.. lucky i din.. or my parents wud hv freaked

soon, i will numb myself to escape frm de pain.. and den i will feel nth.. not happi, but not sad, no joy, but no pain too.. wad a wierd body system..

hahas, fallin sick too.. breakin out in cold sweat and getting flashes of hot or cold...

hahas.. dun i juz love myself..

i rmb how we use to enjoy de time we spent laughin, joking, talking, playin... and it hurts me more den ever to see wad we hv now.. silence, emptiness, forced laughter...

mayb its becoz i .................. dats why it hurts so much

god help me [benj]

so long since i last blogged.. shud resume soon.. lols.. been playin too much.. totalli forgot abt bloggin.. ahahahs..

shall upload photos of prom de nxt time.. im so damn lazy.. lols..

i feel smth in my heart.. its a strange feeling.. lols.. nv felt lyk this for a veri long time le.. shall not sae wad it is.. ahahas.. but hais... it may be good may be bad..

crappy.. ah wells.. lifes lyk dat..

lalala lalalalala i just cant get U out of my head (kylie minogue) heard shes doing well.. lols..

loves!!! [benj]

ps.. i reserve de rights to not explain anithin i hv said here.. bleah ;)o