IS THIS THE END OF THE LINE?

i think the only good thing that came out of work so far is my ability to type faster without looking at the keyboard. and considering how they say ns is a freaking waste of time (i agree), it is something, i guess.

so much for self comfort.

everyone's moving on. some of them are going to Us to study, some are doing NS in some remote part of the island and some are retaking As. the buffer period, or the period of transition from aft As is finally over and its time for people to lead new lives.

am i afraid? afraid of losing touch with them? afraid that they will forget me? or afraid that they get better friends and leave me behind? yes, i am. i am very afraid indeed. not forgetting i have self esteem and paranoia issues which rly doesnt help my case.

but when it comes down to it, do i want my friends around simply to fulfil my needs or do i want them around because i love them and their company? i dont know. being a very selfish person, i really cant tell. the only thing i am sure of is the sadness i feel. sad because i think back and i know things will never be the same again. but did i cherish it when i had it? i think i did, because i look back and i rmb how happy and thankful i was for having these awesome group of friends. esp a special few who always made it better than best.

shit. this is some emo stuff. hahaha.

Will we be friends when we grow
old? is this the end of the line?

I hurt with you I love with you
the world just seems to get
in our way
Is this the end of the line?

Oh please don't leave me
Don't let your heart let go
We'll find a way
The journey has only begun
Is this the end of the line?
Oh yeah, oh
Is this the end of the line?
If you leave I'll follow
don't let your heart let go
We'll find a way
the journey has only begun
Is this the end of the line?
Is this the end of the line?

what a perfect song to match my mood.

these few days i have been telling myself; dont think so much and dont worry so much about the future. come what may. the Lord has his plan for you and everything happens to complete your life's journey. things that are meant to be will always be and on the contrary, things that are not suppose to happen will never happen.

it helps. for a while or when im caught up in work with nearly no time to think about anything else. but when im on my bed, lying down, doing nothing, i cant help but think about all my friends seem to grow more and more distant.

):

there is no help for it. life will throw all kinds of things in your way. nice things, pleasant things, happy things, delicious things and sad things, horrible things, frightening things. and good or bad, you can only suck it in.

so right now im going to suck it in and deal with it. if life has to be shit, it will be. but one day, it will get better again. im sure it will

i feel tired all the time and i have no freaking idea why. i get it if its a weekday and work is horrible. but i feel tired even on sundays. ):

and i realize im shifting in less than 2 weeks. ive never actually took time to appreciate and cherish my time here and now i wont ever get the chance to. and thinking about the 2 hours journey tru and fro from work is smth i really dread.

and driving lessons as well. how horrible is that.

i guess there are perks. like being closer to alot of the usuals. meeting up with them for random outings is smth i am looking forward to. but leaving erika and ken behind is kinda sad too. which reminds me! i havent collected my alvl's cert. shit. erika when are you free???

had a lovely day out with ff and pam. but im so afraid that these will soon be things of the past. ):

anyhow, ff, you lousy pok, with no comment or tag section. if anything, you can always depend on your friends ok. its the one thing you dont have to worry about losing. anytime ure feeling down or confused or even pissed just call ok?









i feel like i have so many things on my mind yet when i try and sort them out, it feels like nth at all.

THE LITTLE VOICE

always heed that voice inside you no matter how painful it is because it is God.

how does it sound if i devote everything into your hands, my dearest beloved Lord. because im tired of running mine. if i tell you that i lay my life before you and told you to do whatever you want with it, would you do it? dont let me do it, i'll do it all wrong.

every bit of pain and suffering i have to go through will be my way of making up for those that i cause you.

im not having a random bout of sadness. i just realised how much ive forsaken the only one who loves me most. it doesnt make sense to keep fighting someone who only wants the best for you right?

as a sidenote, Lord, take me to church.

i cant wait to meet up with all my dear friends. miss them very much.

i wont go down with this ship

i wont put my hands up and surrender.
there will be no white flag above my door.

because i have things worth fighting for.

sometimes when times are bleak and things seem awful. your friends make all the difference. from their subtle actions, to their outright support.

when you're caught in doubt and pessimism, drowning in cynicism and skepticism, thinking you're alone in this huge world. it will be small things your friends do which make all the difference.

i feel bad because i dont always do that for my friends. but there are those who remind me that i'd always have a friend in them. and i think thats precisely why i always take them for granted.

so good Lord, dearest Father whose constant presence i always neglect, remind me to always cherish and appreciate those things you and those who love me, give to me. and remind me to always return their love because they are those who deserve to be loved.

but those who go all out to ruin my day. i hope you step on dogshit tmr.

i need to go shop. but i realize now's a really bad time cause im so fat. ):

MY COLLEAGUE IS AN ASS-O

it gets me thinking everytime someone takes for granted that i am weak and soft. im not good natured unlike what many people believe. i dont think i am. if i were, i wouldnt be seething mad everytime someone upsets me, i would just brush it off and forgive the person for being in a bad mood.

so no, im not good natured.

but i am weak. very. not weak in the sense that my bones will fall apart when the wind blows in my face. lol. thats cui. which i am too but we're not discussing that here. but more like i have no backbone you know. yesyes, spineless. thats a good word. i mean whats so difficult about standing up for yourself. telling that person that he's simply a sorry, f'ed up excuse for a human and would be better off rotting in a pit where all the scums in life congregate so my life can be a lot better unpleasant aloof unfriendly chap who makes my life very difficult. very difficult meh?

but no leh, all i ever do is look like some loser who you can pushover and vent frustrations on.

i admit i dont lose my temper easily. at least not with people without my family. but it doesnt mean i dont have one. i just dont think shouting and turning violent solves anything.

you're in trouble now and i feel lousy about it. if i could put up with you and tahan then you probably wouldnt be getting into this shit. but because i cant fanthom working with you for 8 more mths i have to get a transfer. but because u've been doing this to everyone, people now want you transferred. its not for me to say if u deserve this, but if anything, you should have saw this coming.

miss going out with everyone. ): and thinking about gg to work tmr and seeing him again. i feel super rotten and sick.

do this. do that.
what am i? your dog?

sometimes it seems like the world knows i have a f'ed up issue about guilt and giving in. its like everyone knows that im easily taken advantage of and easy to bully into doing things.

that is a problem.

i need to fight for my own rights and what i want. why should i always be the one giving in just because i care about what you feel? it is not my problem that ure unhappy you know. deal with it la. why should i be the one having to deal with you inept excesses. you're weak? its your own freaking problem.

you want a freaking dog that requires me to sacrifice 3 mths of my weekend?
i dont think so.
you want me to help out with the house when i already work 6 days a week?
no.

all you guys ever do is proclaim how much u've done, how tired you are, how much effort you put in, blah blah blah. seriously, find someone who cares. because im sick and tired of you guys doing it to me.

i have a job. and it involves getting stressed and doing alot of work. but i do it because im expected to. im the eldest in the family and therefore that means taking on more burden and responsibilities in the family. fine. i accept that because i have to. because it is MY JOB.

so if its your job to worry about finances, your job to make sure the house turns out right, your job to worry about the well being of the family, you jolly well freaking do it because its YOUR JOB! if you cant deal with it, then you better reflect and think twice before biting off more than you can chew. and thereafter expecting the entire world to understand, to emphatize and to help. because if ure naive enough to think that by doing your job everyone is indebted to you, you better get a reality check.

i have a family and i love it.
but you know. when your own family takes adv of your good nature, its probably one of those times you hate it you wna smack everyones' head off.

im boiling now. and i know that in the end, i'll get over it.

but right now i need to vent and before i scream into your face i better do it into a blog. cool off, chill and think things over.

God, you need to help me with my anger management pls before i explode one day and yell at my parents to f off. and i really dont want to do that.

i think the reason why im so angry is partly because i know im at fault too but im simply too proud and too stubborn to admit it.

see, i knew i'd always give in. its just me.

now i feel like crying. wtf.

yay~ im not poor anymore

omg thats damn retarded. but i'll do it again

yay~ im not poor anymore

HAHAHAHA

yay, i have 4 figures in my bank accnt again.

yay dont have to be miserly anymore.

oh no, im gg to splurge on bdays again.

HAHAHAHA

i think im very impressionable. lol. i dont think i even know what that really means but nvm.

lol, i always see people alone at starbucks typing into their laptops looking pensieve and deep in thought. and i wonder why is it i cant do the same. maybe because its my negative self esteem again. because if u look cui and lousy, you'll look like a loner who's abandoned by all aspects of society -an outcast.

sucks right, to be so affected by what other people think of me. if people really like me, i could sport the funkiest hairstye in the world, put on a halloween mask and a monobrow, and they wouldnt run away.

at least, i think so la.

i wish i had many many money. LOL. many many because contrary to popular belief, money is quantifiable and countable as well. LOL. trust me i would know. and if i did, i would just book that chalet everyone's been asking me about instead of worrying if i alr spent over my budget. but because im such a miser i refuse to do anything about it and i think the chalet's alr booked.

come monday(payday), if there's still a booking, i'll book it then.
plsplsplspls say have.

who works on sats!? saturdays are suppose to be off days for everyone except the mad, the insane and the very unlucky. and im the very unlucky one. ):

i cant even describe what my job entails because im bound under a secrecy act. i cant even tell u how many times i secretly farted in the office just to express my displeasure.

ok no, im kidding. i didnt do that, its disgusting. LOL

and im so sad because i cant meet up with anyone this week and next because im so fking poor its funny (usually people say its not funny, well im so poor it is) so the next time u see me you can just go ahead and pt at me and laugh out loud because im so penniless. ):

but i need to save up anyway and i need to help with shifting alr. so i guess it all fits in just fine.

the only gd thing about work is i get to wear my own clothes there. and ive got an awesome ttm supervisor.

shopping with family this wkend!! OH MAN. awesomest.

oops, almost missed today's post.

i have bad news, for myself. lol. it seems like im gg to spend the next two years being miserably unahppily busy. while people get 5 days work week, i get 6. and while people sit around playing psp i sit around doing alot of work.

its really funny because i dont think ive ever put in so much effort for anything before. but i always knew i had okay work ethics and habits but i dont understand why it doesnt apply in studies.

or in anything else for that matter.

it starts tmr. and it happened so fast i didnt even know how to react. one moment im in a corner scribbling and spamming the calculator and the next thing i know im in a room with 4 people spamming me with all their comments and questions.

but im quite affected by the fact that they simply make whatever decisions they like without even asking me. and its so funny that my ns side is trying to rescue me by pulling me out and the 'i' side thinks they are saving me by keeping me thr.

and no one had the courtesy to ask where i wna go.

i mean even a servant has some rights, no? ok no.

really dreading tmr. its going to be tough i can tell. rly.

spent the day with yiz out yest. short yet sweet, like always. but i feel like we dont talk so much anymore. hor?

but who cares, enjoyed it, so thats all that matters.

i know now very well what sort of person i am. im the sort of person who craves approval from people. that sounds kinda desperate and pathetic doesnt it? it makes me feel like i have no mind of my own and im so un-independant. lol dependant just doesnt sounds right.

but thats just the way i am, i think. i think a large part comes from having very low self esteem. i just dont feel good enough about myself to ascertain my own place in this world. problematic? very. but im glad i have a few very good friends who will bother. yet its this that makes me feel insecure.

so i guess thats what i all comes down to right. insecurity. which apparently isnt only an issue in relationships but in friendships as well. which im quite sick of because i realize alot of things i mull over are actually quite non existent at all.

like i said, its just about how much u enjoy being with them. as long as u can enjoy one anothers company, thats all that matters. friends wont always be thr when u need them, lets be real, who is? in the end all we want is someone to satisfy our own needs right?

selfish bastards we are. LOL but who isnt.

but there are people who try. so these people are those we keep. those we trust, we love, we like, we prefer and sometimes get annoyed at(keep it real la. lol).
do i have these friends? not many but enough to keep me gg and enough for me to want to try and be there for them as well.

i typed this drawing inspiration from yz's post. lol.

anw, no work today, mood increased to maximum. awesomest.

note to self: forget the nitty grities. just enjoy life

yes, i do think too much indeed. think too much about things that are absolutely unneccessary. good friends, bad friends, in the end it all just comes down to how much u enjoy being with them. what makes good or bad its hard to say, but happy or not is easy enough. so why think so much right?

ok, back to my grousing. I HATE WORK!!!! really hate it. but i feel too sian and disgusted to try and type out whatever isnt going right. if only i slacked the way i did in sch at work. then i probably wouldnt have so much probs.

oh shit forgot to book kbox.

i feel some poor shit now. cui poor fat shit who cmi. i need to exercise, get a tan, save up and sing more kbox. LOL.

and did i tell u about my pet fighting fish. its so cute it swims towards me when i go near it. freakishly awesome. gonna give it worms. HAHA

somehow what i always type doesnt go the way i intended. but this seems fine. i feel sleepy.

work is tired like fuck today. and im sorry because i know thats all i ever talk about here. but its the only place where i can give vent to all my pent up frustrations inside me. its like the moment i step into the office i dont even have time to think. just work work work work work work work

really fking tired.

and its doesnt help that the weekend was not rejuvenating at all. i usually use the weekends to power up my batteries. but now all i feel like is the nua jelly i told yizhen about. not only nua. i feel sick. i get weird aches everywhere, esp stomach and head. sometimes chest also leh.

):

i rly rly rly wna have a long break.
God God God, pls pls pls.

wed kbox. <3

wah i dont like my angsty posts. lol. i have no idea what spurred me to type the post i did today. but since i alr did, im just gg to leave it there. haha

i think blogs can be very misleading things. because it only expresses frame of mind the blogger was in. and readers can totally take it out of context. which is a problem i always have. hahaha, hint hint yz, i thought some of your posts were about me.

anw, i feel damn sian. i hate work very much. ):

and i ate 2 bbqs two days consecutively. my throat is gg to be shit tmr. and i like to mix coke with beer. damn nice.
shit, all my tastes are changing. and know what i miss most now, staying over with the laokuis and laughing till our stomach hurts with carine's uberrandomness and erika exaggeratedexpressions.

i cant wait for kbox with yz and car this wed. its gg to be awesomemest. and sorry yiz, i tmr got driving cause i thought of catching dinner wif u or smth. ):

is it normal if sometimes i feel lonely as hell?

trust me when i say i love my friends. because i honest to goodness, really really do love them like many many times over. and ive always said this, they are like my extended family.

but like all families, there are always problems. there will always be times when we are unhappy with one another, things that we dont like about one another and even times when we dislike one another.

times like yesterday. honestly i am upset with the fact that i had to single handedly prepare 12 person's share of food. i had to shop for it alone, find a way to bring it back alone and season the food alone. not only that, i had to pay for everything including his presents. my 4 digit bank account has drastically dropped to a low 3 figure over a period of 2 weeks. also staying one of the furthest, carrying the food around has been no joke as well. and i know its my fault i didnt book the pit but when you have so many on your to-do list, one of them is bound to slip somehow.

and its ok, those of you who are reading this, are the few that have always tried to make my life better and ensure that im not being ... too available. lol, for lack of a better phrase. and i truly undst that some of you have financial difficulties so its rly ok to just kiv it. but when you do feel like you can then just hand me the money. because its not so big an issue for me. its only because of the fact that i think i have already 'given' out 300 or more when it comes to cels and outings. and its starting to feel a little weary.

but there are those who sometimes i feel, completely oblivious to all these. to them its just, i'll sit back and enjoy the fruits of someone else's labour. just wait to be served, do whatever hell i like as long as im happy, u're unhappy? i dno or i just dont care.

yes, there are always times like this.

i dno whether to blame it on my poor planning skills, my inability to just hold it all in and just tahan or simply im a selfish ass who likes my effort to at least be appreciated.

but after all that's said and done, 2 mths later when my bank accnt is more full and im not tired as hell, im gg to do the same thing again. why? because i just love my friends because i like them to enjoy without exerting themselves, because i like it when they are out having fun, celebrating bdays, meeting up etc etc. its all worth it to see the smiles on their faces what.

then what am i complaining about now?

i know. because not everyone bothers to make an effort to at least appreciate.

which bothers me as hell.

anw thank you all who did, because its you people who im really willing to work for. <3

anw i must say this, my family, is the AWESOMEST. becaue no other parents will go to jp at 12am to help ferry their son home because he's carrying so many things his arms are gg to fall off. and no dad will help you cut the beef because he sees you struggling to finish seasoning the food. and no mum will come into the kitchen and give you advice on how to make the smelly beef less smelly and more tasty. so i love them ttm. LIKE REALLY TTM.

also. stayover at carine's has been the awesomest. ive been spending alot of time with the two of them and its been one hell of a wonderful experience. laughing until our stomach aches and camwhoring until we sweat. LOL cant wait for another similar experience. sucks that yizhen wasnt there. nvm, chalet soon ok! but i wont book anything until i get the money. lol

i think i forget things easily or maybe its like i get easily distracted.

haha, but things that always has to do with the the heart usually fades away aft a good nights sleep. and once im caught up in other things they dont dominate my mind anymore. but everynight b4 i slp, i always get caught up in a dozen emotions, feeling like some schizofreak. haaahaa.

does that mean i accord very little to things because i forget them so easily? but if its so, then why is it everytime i think about things like that i feel sharp stabs in my heart. okok dont laugh at my corniness la.

i think im really a good pretender la. i can pretend everythings okay when im occupied with smth else. which is good i guess but it sometimes make me seem like im callous and careless. lol which i dont think i am. -ish. HAHA

yay running this sat. i put on weight cause i measured myself today. eech.

life is very funny. you usually dont get what u want. like how i want As for all my results and as low as can be for weight. but i usually get good grades for weight and horrendous grades for exams. LOL. if i can exchange the 2 ar, i'll be uber happy.

God always answers. ALWAYS. even in ways you dont expect nor want.
but i dont need him to give me what i want. just knowing he's there is enough for me.
i say that leh but i think i still secretly wish for things from God dearest. lol. what a hypocrite. okok. i change my mind. MY LORD PLS GRANT ALL MY WISHES!! PLS~!

hahaha quite funny. i keep typing aft twelve on the day itself. so it isnt today alr, its tmr. okok, nono, this 12 am thing makes me uber confused about the today and tmr thing. HAHA

today some friend was calculating some fate thing. and all he did was made the whole idea of ever ending up with someone you like remotely impossible. hahaha isnt that sad? i think i might just end up left on the shelf. and i admit, it is kinda sad to see people around getting paired up.

weird. i nv worried about such things. i guess age's really catching up on me. LOL!

no work today. so it was rly great. i miss those stress free lives whr i just laze every single moment of my life away.

but considering the predicament of others. i guess i should be infinitely thankful. which i am.

so thank you very much dearest Lord. i love you very much. WooHOO