JUST DAILY STUFF

todaes wed, hahas, i guess skool's becomin more bearable.. less boring, and more fun.. but im seeing all my "blue" friends less.. dats kinda upsettin.. but i guess i rly cherish de moments i hv wif them... =)

todae was my firz pj live practise... actualli, it was kinda cool.. i mean shengrong, de gut teachin us was kinda good, he was realli patient and nice.. he made sure we were clear.. but i think pj live de name is not befittin, it shud b pj dead...

de practices are so dull.. i mean wheres de laughter and de fun dat we suppose to have?? de part where we simply get high and go crazy?? i dunno, it seems to be all missing... i mean yea, learnin is impt, memorising, prac, is all good.. but dats not wad a cca is abt.. a cca is suppose to be fun, where evryone enjoys themselves.. right?? ah aniwae.. its ok lah.. cept just lack dat kinda vibe.. dun think i will quit though.. dat will be kinda mean.. but lucky liwee went with me, if not arhs, i think i might not make it.. thanx liwee!!!

i failed my first math test... ah wells.. it kinda goes to show im stupid eh? lols, aiya np man, i dun wanna stress myself out.. no point lah..

few more daes to de release of results... its rly scary... but i do feel better when ppl tell me i'll do well, im not sure why ut it sorta calms me down... i hope when i tell ppl de same, it makes dem feel better too... =)

i wanna go vivo city!!! lols, wasnt dat totallli random?? ahahas, niwae.. dis sat gg to jj for de love fiesta.. gg wif liwee, shitien, mabel and mayb ade... it snds kinda fun.. hahas.. lookin 4ward to it

kaes im awfulli thirsty.. i nd water.. im dyin... nah kd, hahas.. bye

A Dae At De Polyclinic

hahas, todae... i ponned skool, wahaha, yest sihui asked if i wanna pon, and i said yes, hahas, so we decided to go to de polyclinic tgth.. wahahas, im a firz timer leh, nv feign illness in front of a doc b4..

btw my dear sihui arhs, u make me wait in de hot hot weather for 20 mins arh.. u be careful arh, nxt time i bian ni den u noe.. lols.. yah coz she woke up at 11.20!!! and we arranged to meet at 11!! grrr... lols

so we met at bout 12.20 den made our way to de polyclinic.. had to walk a little bit.. we saw terence on de way, and we were wearin ur own clothes, so he lyk dat kinda "u are ponnin" face.. den his fren called sihui angeline.. which was lyk super funnie... angeline looks veri diff frm sihui mah.. we were lyk laughin awae...

aniwae when we reachd de polyclinic, de docs were slacking so we went to eat lunch at de mac in de nearby CC, and we saw dis guy.. i mean girl.. lols, okae i was confused coz she realli look lyk he.. until sihui saw his br*, i mean her br*... LOL!! aniwae yah it was wierd..

den we went to de polyclinic and we registered and etc etc. lols, i was quite nervous lah... but in de end it turnd out great, i and sihui even shopped at de pharmacy.. LOL!! eh, nv giv up a chance to shop.. its relaxin to de body and mind.. whahahas

yups so dat was de dae at de polyclinic, ahahas it was fun lors.. lyk excursion lyk dat.. lols.. i think im sure gg to hv more daes at de polyclinic.. ahahas... im a bad student.. whahahas..

okaes gg back to sing now.. gotta keep practising... lols.. singsingsingsing... funfunfunfunfun.. byebye

right now all im doing is concentrating on singing... i shall sing all my troubles away, sing all my sadness away... snds impossible but it wrks lah... i shall work hard to hit all de high notes and perfect my pitch..

hahas, hmms, which realli makes me wonder whether i hv wad it takes to be a singer.. lols.. i nv rly sang in front of anybody b4, de onli real person i sang to b4 is myself.. coz its veri embarrassing leh.. onli when im lyk alone den i will rly sing all de high notes.. usualli i will juz trail off in front of others.. lols..

anyway lyk veri bu zi liang li leh.. plz lah do i look lyk a future singer? hahas, more lyk sum wannabe dats nver gg to be... LOL.. but dat doesnt mean i gotta stop singin, i juz lyk singin..

imagine de feelin of experiencing wad de real singer is feelin when he/she is singin? let de notes and tune blend into de environment and u juz get this rly great urge to sing out... hahas.. i dunno, i juz lov singin..

yah aniwae enuff abt singin.. lyk i said, im juz a wannabe dats moz likely nv gg to be.. though i wish i had a chance to perform.. wun dat be kinda cool? hahas..

niwae i rly lyk this line "love dun mean changin hu u are to be hu somebody wants u to be" =)

bye 4 now

I Belong To Me

hahas, i think its quite safe to say, de worst has passed.. i juz no longer have de energy to be sad and hurt anymore...

also i rly dun wan to let all my frens down, everyone is cheerin for me and askin me to cheer up, to allow myself to furthur sink into depression wud not be doing my frens justice...

and i guess i also realize whether i hurt or not, nths gg to change.. and to hold on to false hope and live in de past is just escapin frm reality... yea reality sucks, but i still hv to face it.. nbdy noes wad will happen tmr, i dun wan to hope for it either, i'll just take wadeva life has to offer me.. happi or sad, good or bad, is rly not up to me, but i wun allow myself to suffer animore

i guess lyk half of de credits go to this lady.. hahas, i mean jessica simpson, though nt many thinks she can sing.. but i think her song "i belong to me" rly makes sum sense... and its nice also lah.. but i rly agree, "nbdys got to belong to somebody" i rly agree.. and when she says "i'll give all my love, but not all my soul"

niwaes i'll post the lyrics... try listenin to de song too.. its nice

i belong to me [jessica simpson]

Oh yeah
It's not that I dont wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I dont want to have you in my life baby
it's just you gotta know that its got to be right baby
before I open up my heart to you

I dont need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
nobody has got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

I gota let you know before I let you in baby
that who I am is not about who I am with baby
That don't mean I dont wanna be here with you
I do

I dont need somebody to complete me
I want you to know
I give all my love butI'm not givin' all my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yeah

Love don't mean changin who you are to be
who somebody wants you to be
nobody has got to belong to nobody

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my posession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I'm one not half of two,
and if your gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

yea so this are de lyrics... i guess it open my eyes to certain truths.. but after singin it, i do feel much better.. ahahas, not sure but yah.. aniwae.. as long as it hlps..

my wonderful frens

i tot i wud lyk to type a short post to rly thank all de wonderful ppl hu has nv failed to show me support, encourage me and offer their hand...

im rly touched by all de things my frens did for me, though they may seem small, they mean alot to me...

clara, for smsin now and den to ask how i am, for carin and for tellin me i can awaez look for u anitime if i nd sumone

taikoon, hus awaez takin time to read my blog and posting encouragin comments

cheryl, hu awaez talks to me at night, to share my depression and urs as well, im rly glad i hv sumone to relate to and talk to

sihui, hus happi desposition nv fails to make me feel better, and accompanyin me to get my sis bdae prez, makin me laugh so much, esp de time at toys r us, it was rly enjoyable

liwee, hu also awaez makes me laugh, esp de bus incident, and also for being so ez to talk to..

amanda, hu is lyk my big sister, awaez watchin out for me, postin encouragin comments, makin sure im alright, offerin me aid when i need it...

my best cuz, val, hu sends me songs to let me sing and feel better, post encouragin comments

and everyone else, angeline, jas, mabel, xiner, ade, shitien hu when im in school with, makes me feel skool is actualli worth comin to and actualli FUN..

i rly love all of u, i rly rly do, i thank god so much for such wonderful ppl in my life.. may all ur lives be blessed with happiness and miracles... and i pray i will nv lose any of u... thankew so much

i rly rly miss my best fren, or rather ex best fren...

new blogskin, new beginning?

i went to find a new blogskin todae, felt de old one was getting kind of boring. if ony i felt de same way about things.. bored onli juz change, dun hv to think so much or hurt so much.. but nah, im juz sum freakin sentimental idiot.. hu has to put myself thru shit.. hahas

hope u guys lyk my new skin, think its pretty cool, specially de grunge part.. i lyk grunge, i lyk grungy clothes, designs or wadeva, i find it rly cool.. i hvn came across any grungy jeans yet, muz go find...

yest while i was prayin, prayin to god for an answer, de strangest thing happen, just as i was abt to open de bible to find sum answers, my light started flickering on and off and den it went dark..(and it was exactly at de moment i was opening de bible) lyk wth right? im nt rly sure wad god is tryin to tell me... i can onli guess

i ask god whether its time for me to giv up and move on.. i asked him if it was time for me to let go... budden such a wierd thing happen.. so now how?

my frens are rly concerned, they ask if im in depression... i din noe wad to sae, but i rly appreciate it...

niwaes, my super cool cuz send me a super nice song, shall post de lyrics, and it is my singin craze now..

walk away [paula deanda]

intro] I'm gonna remember you you gonna remember me I'm gonna remember you you gonna remember me
[verse 1] I saw you with your new girl just yesterday and I feel that I must confess even though it kills me to have to say ill admit that I was impressed is it calling just showed up affection gotta commend you on your selection though I know I shouldnt be concerned in the back of my mind I cant help but question
does she rub your feet (when you've had a long day) scratch your scalp (when you take out your braids) does she know that you (like to play ps2 till 6 in the morning like I do)
[chorus] I cant explain this feeling I think about it everyday and even though we've moved on it gets so hard to walk away (I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me) walk away, walk away (I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me) walk away (i cant forget it how we use to be)
[verse 2] I guess I gotta live my life from day to day hoping maybe you'll come back and though I tell myself not to be afraid to move on but it seems I cant no other man has given me attention it aint the same as your affection though I know I should be content in the back of my mind I cant help but question
does he kiss me on the forehead (before we play) show on my doorstep (with a bouquet) does he call me in the middle of the day (just to say) baby I love you (like you used too)
[chorus] I cant explain this feeling I think about it everyday and even though we've moved on it gets so hard to walk away (I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me) walk away, walk away (I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me) walk away (i cant forget it how we use to be)
[bridge] so hard to express this feeling cause nobody compares to you (to you) and you know she'll never love you like I do
[chorus 2x] I cant explain this feeling I think about it everyday and even though we've moved on it gets so hard to walk away (I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me) walk away, walk away (I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me) walk away
[outro] I'm gonna remember you you gonna remember me I'm gonna remember you you gonna remember me

im still waitin to find sumone hu will nv hurt me...

why am i postin? im nt sure, i guess todae i feel well enuff to post. todae was ade bdae, we celebrated it for her at lot 1. hahas, we all wantd to surprise her so we all pretended dat we all 4gt her bdae, hahas

den after pj live meetin, made our way to lot 1, den we(cheryl, liwee, shitien, sihui, xiner and me) went to eat pepper lunch, while dey were orderin, shitien and me were lyk settin up de candles and cake, den we veri malu, oz we rmb we had no fire 2 light de candle.. LOL!! super malu lah

in de end, we went to ntuc and got a lighter, hehe. nt bad eh? yah, den shitien was lyk holdin de cake den i shield her in front, den we entered de food court, den HAPPI BDAE ADE!!! hahas, ade so shy..

den we sing song, den take sum photos den eat lunch, btw thx cheryl for hlpin me prepare de pepper lunch, it was great, and sihui for adding so much pepper, seriousli it was nice, i lyk spicy stuff niwae..

den after lunch we started messin arnd lah, shitien took a candid shot of ade, it was de veri awful kinda candid shot,, LOL but it was super funni!! so we all decided to make stupid faces and take photos.. we had such a great laugh...

den we had de sunflower fiasco where everybody had a flower by their side, it was super cute also!!! though it looked wierd on me, but wad de heck lah, we had so much fun!!

den sihui and xiner went off to get xiner's sis prez, so de rez of us went to get bubble tea, den we went to outside of mac to sit and talk.. hahas, we tok abt alot of things lah, scary, funni, lame, u name it man..

sum funnie things:

cheryl- i dig my nose at home, shhh secret arhs, shhhh (note: secret and she was tellin everybody?)

ade- cheryl! u snd juz lyk de SIMS (seriousli cheryl does a realli good sim, make her do it for u)

shitien- her nose was itchy... scratch scratch,

liwee- lols, i cant rly rmb, but i got one super funnie one.. wait arhs

yah so dat was sum funnie things lah, i cant rmb sum le, lols, den we decided to go, coz it seems there was a gathering there, ppl with tatoos, smoking... etc etc, u get de idea lah arh? but de funnie ting was dat there was this auntie there!!! den we were lyk de auntie is part of it isz?? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

den we go home, i took 188 wif liwee, hahas, okok, here comes de funni part!!! liwee was lyk tryin out de long bar button, u noe de yellow one wif signs sayin [press here], and den u noe wad liwee did?? she press de metal [press here] sign!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i laugh until lyk siao lAH!!!!!! den de guy behind also... he was lyk... LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! de we juz keep laughin lyk siao lah!!!! hahas, seriousli liwee, u rly veri veri funni!!!!! but thx alot man, i din lugh lyk dat for a long long time le... thx so much

thx all my great great frens for de great great time, i snd lyk de bdae person leh, lols, but niwaes thx so muxh, so i guess its all ades credit coz her bdae is todae.. hahas, thx so much again evrybody...

bdae celebrations [benj]

i doubt i will be bloggin much anymore, maybe i may even stop all together, life is so totalli f***** up for me now, and sumhow puttin my feelings into words is no more comfort den cryin.

its gettin hard just facing life everyday, yet alone de truth behind it, i can no longer trust myself to think, i cant trust myself to feel, its lyk losing a bit of myself everyday.. as my life grows more empty de things i do become more and more meaningless, more and more bland..

i dun want to continue this entry animore, i dunno if it will be de last.. but i do noe, right now, i hope i nv have to wake up frm my sleep...

i really wish i had someone to talk to, someone dat i can tell everything, sumone who would be willing to share all my unhappiness, sumone hu would tell me everything's going to be fine, someone who truely cares... and will nv abandon me.. never..

but i noe im nv gonna find one...

untitled[benj]

tell me why im stupid? why do i awaez hurt myself?? i noe now i cant blame no one but myself, i allowed myself to hurt, let it dragged on and till now, i stil hvn stopped...

but i learn smth frm my chi teacher todae, learn two things in fact, de first is .... not gonna sae ... the 2nd is not to be too stubborn, to let go and learn to appreciate OTHER things... not that im able to achieve any of them... but i noe hu are those hu rly care for me

i thank dat special sumone for makin my life better, arnd u, i just forget all my unhappy stuff, thx so much... arnd u, i can be hu i wana be, i can be natural... if i were in a stormy sea, i guess u wud be de safety float den...

of coz my frens, hu i see much less these daes, due to de different cls arrangements, but i still do appreciate ALL of u, each and every one... so thx guys.. and of coz my other frens hu are nt in pj wif me, u all are veri impt to me too

i hv no idea wad to do now, when im alone, i will start thinkin of de recent past events... it makes me feel terrible... sumtimes its so bad i wish i nv hv to wake up de nxt dae.. but i still do aniwae...

well learning a few new songs now, though de songs themselve are old lah, but i juz fell in love wiif them aniwae, yi bi yi by fan wei qi and qian nian yi hou by lin jun jie, hahas, too bad there wun be nobdy to tell me how i sound, lols, i might snd lyk a toad and not noe it.. ha ha

ah wells, life has to go on, i believe dat as long as i persevere long enuff, things will work out right.. i have to believe dat.. i hv to...

persevere, if only i cud [benj]

been pass vivo city a few times now... seems to bring a few memories back... nv been there though, think i shud try gg there one dae..

sumtimes i wish i wasnt so quick to pour my heart out to ppl, but its just when u get a feelin u rly can trust dat person, dat u can awaez rely on, a sense of calm, happiness when ure around them... i shud nv trust this feelin, bcoz in de end, i awaez end up wif NTH

i cud sae this is de 3rd time, lols, 3 times and i still hvn learnd my lesson, but no, i wun change hu i am just to protect myself from being hurt, if it has to happen another 10 times, 100 times, i still wun change hu i am...

i noe hu are those dat hv awaez been there for me, awaez watchin out for me, ppl hu rly care, and to those ppl, i thank u sooo much for everything... i wun mention hu they are, but if any of u are readin this, u will noe hu u are.. so thankew v much..

i guess there is sumone special, i shant mention more, but i do appreciate it, and ure indeed wonderful..

but this 3rd time wud be de worst i guess, at de back of my mind, i hv been tellin myself, mayb things will suddenly turn out better, but the facts speak for themselves, nth will change... i cant keep going on waitin as well, i cant keep hurtin myself this way.. but...

...lettin go makes me feel lyk i no longer hv a reason to live.

my lord, help me

[benj]

because time moves on and de daes are passin, i noe dat i will eventually have to move on...

hahas, its rly how funny how sumtimes tv can teach u sum thing, or remind u or certain stuff, but i guess wad ive grown to learn over this few daes, or rather come to realise again dat loving sumone is suppose to be happi..

ive learn dat loving sumone isnt about having dat person by ur side, or how much dat person cares, or how much dat person bothers. it simply is thinkin of dat person, juz wishin dat person will be happy, hving dat person in ur head 24/7, and every little thing reminds u of dat person.. lols, its a joy to be able to love sumone...

though things have changed and sum things can juz no longer go back to wad it was b4, but as long as i hv de memories of them, its enough, it isnt about lettin go, it never was, and never will be, but its more of acceptance, accepting de fact dat things can nv be wad it was, acceptin dat de past will never be de future... ive accepted, come to face the truth ive refused to see.

i guess dat it will have to be enuff dat once i walked in ur life's path, and though this path is short, it was filled wif wonderful things dat i shud be happy juz hvin experienced dem and sharin them wif u. and though it was short, ur path in my life has left footprints dat can never be erased, and even as i move on with my life, and ur footprints will no longer be there, i can awaez look back and reminisce, and even if i do cry, its not for de fact ure no longer in my life, but tears of joy for wad we once shared. thank you, for everything

my lord, thank u for showin me de truth, thank you so much. i guess ive nv notice dat no matter who walks wif me thru my life, u hv awaez been there to carry me thruout my misery and pain, u are de onli one hu realli shared my footsteps and been there every single moment, im sorry for neglecting u, but i do hope u noe dat i rly do love u, awaez hv and i awaez will

this song i guess will be de last one im givin to u...

Maybe you think you're not right for me,
that you'll never be everything I need,
well I'll tell you straight from my heart
you are, you are.

If you don't think that you've got the pedigree,
that you're not someone who can talk to me,
well I'll tell you straight from my heart
you are, you are.

You are you are, my reason
You are the air I'm breathing
Ask who's in my heart, you are you are

If ever I wanted to run away,(to run away)
I'd go only if you would come with me, (you'd come with me)
Cause no-one can talk to my heart like
you are, you are

If I do for you what you do for me,(what you do for me)
If I'm on your mind every time you sleep, (and in your dreams)
Say the words and no matter how far I'll be where you are,

You are you are, my reason
You are the air I'm breathing
Ask who's in my heart,
you are you are

Ooh, I wish you'd ask me how I feel, (I'd say that I'm emphatic)
Ooh, And when you're near to me, (this urgency is automatic)
Ooh, you're my addiction, boy, (and I don?t wanna break the habit)
I'd say that your in my heart, your in my heart

You are you are, my reason
You are the air I'm breathing
Ask who's in my heart, you are you are

Maybe you think you're not right for me,
that you'll never be everything I need,
well I'll tell you straight from my heart
you are, you are

If you don't think that you've got the pedigree,
that you're not someone who can talk to me,
well I'll tell you straight from my heart you are, you are
Maybe you think you're not right for me,
that you'll never be everything I need,
well I'll tell you straight from my heart
you are, you are

goodbye

the truth will set u free [benj]

i rly dun wan to hurt anymore, i rly dun want to keep on living this way, where every little ting i do reminds me of u... it hurts, it rly rly hurts...

i wish i cud find sumone hu treats me better den i do, i wish i cud find sumone hu wud awaez care abt how i feel, hu wud want to noe how im doing, wad im doing... and be thinkin of me whenever and wherever.. sumone hu will be there for me when im sad, celebrate wif me when im happi...

becoz these are the things i wud do...

am i askin too much? am i asking for alot? if i am, plz do tell me.. becoz im sick and tired of gg on feelin yk im being mistreated, thinkin i deserve better...

sumone plz tell me wad i shud do now... i rly cant keep gg on this way, alr, i feel lyk im losing more and more of myslef with each passin dae.. and each night i dread gg into de bedroom to slp, becoz i noe i wud juz breakdown and cry....

i had a nightmare last night, and i felt better den when i was awake.. i wish i juz slept on thru de nightmare

help me [benj]

i still laugh when i was readin de convo hist, i laughed at de silly stuffs dat i said, and de lameo jokes dat we made... and as soon i close de hist, my tears juz flowed down... i shudnt hv went to read de hist, it juz makes it hurt more den ever...

i wonder why i did this to myself, but i knew it was de inevitable aniwae, things were alr fallin apart, i was becomin less and less impt, less and less wanted, so its better i withdraw myself now, den cont in pain...

my nightmares are beginning and my heart is startin to fail... things are becomin disinterestin, i juz wanna lie on my bed and do nth... i wud sing if i cud, but singin onli makes it worst, and sides, its hard to sing, if u keep sniffin thruout de song

the stars are rly bright tonight, as if mockin me, tellin me dat even though they are there for me to see, it is impossible for me to reach them...

i hate myself [benj]

3rd dae in pj, orientation dae 3, gotta admit, todae was considerably better den de previous 2, made a few new frens, tok much more and laughed ALOT more.. hahas, thx nat and eunice, hu spoke 2 me in de morn, den we've been tokin alot more since...

de gang was pretty split todae, due to de difference in breaks and games, ah wells, we'll get better daes frm nxt wed onwards... yea!

todae surprisingli wasnt all that bad, cept for de part where i was made to perform in de finale, hahas, its not dat bad lahs, but i.. hmms, wasnt exactly my choice, and a skit abt hamburgers aint rly my kinda thing either, but hahas, i'll make do lah

station games were pretty fun in a wae dat we rly got closer and laugh ALOT ALOT MORE, but seriousli de games were... hmms... lyk de ancient gameboy game, "mario land" so old skool and traditional... fun in sum sort of wae, but rly rly ancient.. i think my ah ma got play b4 lors.. [chuckles]

but i guess our ogl, kenneth was rly nice, he send us all an sms sayin we rocked todae, hahas, he din hv to but he did aniwae, so kudos to him!! woots!!

im amazed how different i can be sumtimes, how i cn actualli shift from moods to moods, it isnt mood swings, its realli shifting, when im in skool, with de gang or wif frens, i rly can forget all my unhappi stuff... i dunno why, but when i go home, and i start thinkin, i juz become veri sian

even till now, b4 i slp, i wud juz suddenli start cryin... not lyk as if i want lyk dat, it justs becomes so habitual alr, and i wud clutch my fone... den start cryin... den after dat fall aslp, seriousli its juz not possible for me to forget, i was prepared for this, but it jus isnt as ez to deal wif as i tot i cud... even now, whilst typin this, i alr feel lyk cryin...

i didnt even try and forget u, bcoz its simply impossible, de moment i close my eyes, its juz all de fun times dat we had, and when i open them, its rememberin u are no longer there... gone lyk de wind and as intangible as dreams... it rly hurts me so...

shifting moods [benj]

2nd dae in pjc, life in jc... hmms, how do i describe it? hahas, nah i cudnt, coz we hvn rly been thru it, all we had is orientation, which FYI is so not in de least bit interesting!! if it wasnt for de gang i think i wud hv probably gone mAD!!! thx so much guys, u all RAWK!!

me and amanda are plannin our all time, secret, shhh, plan for tmr... muahahaha, no one aint gonna make me roll in de mud and swim in icky brown water, u can go do it if u want, buncha babarians~ ^5 manda!!

im rly glad to have de gang wif me in pj, it rly helps make my life far better den a living hell, oh the gang includes, de all time 188/187 musketeers, amanda, angeline and me, hahas, den theres my all time sittin partner, cheryl koh, den theres my great prom mates, adeline, mabel, shitien, sihui, and my other great frens from 4.3, cheryl choy, jasmine, xiner and my S.H.E mates, peilin and liwee (why SHE, not sure, but liwee came up wif it, and im not rly too concern lahs, even though SHE is an all gurl grp.. lols, fun lah, "lets pai MV!!")
oh no, guess wad, hahas, yups all of them are GALS!!! lolS!!! aint dat cool, too bad taikoon din come along =( if not he wud make another great mate...

hahat, thx guys for keepin me sane!!! u guys rawk lahs, niwaes, tmr dos hu intend to pon de "swimmin in mud" do liase wif me or amanda, we plan plan how to ZAO, LOL!!

yest i finalli did smth ba, nt sure if its de right thing, coz i think my heart nearly came out my mouth... but it felt lyk de right thing... and doing it din exactly make me feel ani better, but i guess i can face myself in de morn and not hate seeing me...

even though i feel ive made a decision, theres just so much to let go, and i nv noe when tht will be, i may nv achieve it...

kaes, enuff sad stuff, amanda, u sae u comin online!!! >.< i waitin!!!

operation: great escape [benj]

hahas, how ridiculous, ever hear tears of blood? lols, i experience b4 ok? coz arhs, i was lyk cryin right, and den arhs.. my nose bleed.. -_- so see tears of blood...
if u dun find it funnie, lemme tell u, i dun think its funnie too... but my entire life is an utter joke nw, wd else can i do except laugh??

i dunno why u said dat, wad were u hopin to achieve? i admit for a moment there, i was rly rly scared.. but i knew it was just a joke..

i cant find de answers and i dun think i wanna noe aniwae, the truth hurts, it awaez has a nd awaez will, i nv shud hv let myself believe dat miracles do happen... coz though they do, so do disasters, if i want miracles i hv to be prepared for disasters as well, and im not.. so....

thx clara if ure readin this, u hv been a rly great hlp, i rly appreciate it, dun wry, i will find a wae out of this mess soon..

my lord, if u hv smth planned for me, i rly dun noe wad it is, but i seem to sense its two extreme opposites, its either this or dat, it will no longer be a in btw thing...

tears/blood [benj]

its AMAzing how sum ppl can pretend.. pretend lyk nth eva happend and expect me to sae kind stuff to them, giv them encouragement.. oh man, dun undst.. hahas, it onli goes to show how patheticalli little they care abt anione but themselves...

its ironic, rly ironic, dat ppl dat hurt me b4 shud come and look for me... and want me to hlp them... but its not in me to reject them, and not in me to ignore dem.. haha, so how? pretend nth happen and stil act lyk i care lors...

its kinda fake of me but its not lyk as if i hv a choice, i juz cant sae "nopes i dun care, why are u tellin me this for? do u actualli think i giv 2 hoots wad happens to u?" right? dats even more cruel, but why do i hv to become hypocritical for ppl hu dun even treat me lyk i deserve?

but i think dey got de hint aniwae.. lols.. u can tell when sumone rly cares and when sumone doesnt... i hate myself for being such a faker, but i noe dat even if it happens again, and dey come bck to me for hlp, i will still hlp dem.. its nt called soft, its being stupid, and it onli lets ppl take adv of u time and time again..

ah wells, if dats me, den i hv no choice den... there has to be a reason y god let me turn out this way, i juz hv to keep living to see wads de answer im searching for...

niwaes, i guess im lettin go, slowly yet definitely, or mayb im juz pretending i am... coz my body is startin to go haywire again... i rmb de last time when i was lyk at my downtime was when i started hvin all sorts of probs, esp de nosebleeds... de sorethroats.., and de same things are happening again...

but guess wad? this time, its a nosebleed on bth sides!!! isnt dat juz great??? and my sorethroat... 7 days and countin!!! WOOOTS wad can i sae right? arent i just great??

its funnie how my body can hlp me relieve stress and unhappiness in these ways, its de onli reason why i dun hv a single strand of white hair on my head... lols, isnt dat good? though i dun think sorethroats and nosebleeds are a good substitute, but ah wells, we make do wif wad we hv yah?

mayb its really better u din noe me, dat u nv met me

im fake, im fake even to myself [benj]