Benj-

ive hit yet another rough patch in my life.. and it seems to be the tuffest yet...

in de past, no matter how hard it wud hurt, i wud cry but wifout the sniffing and real sobbing, it wud just be tears rolling dwn my face... but now, its real cryin.. and it realli sucks.. sumtimes my eyes hurt..

i dun rly undst wad happend.. nor am i realli sure of de reason why.. but i seem to think things have change alot.. and i feel its bcoz i expect too much.. i think dats de reason why im so upset now...

why do i expect so much den? i do not noe why too.. and i cant juz lower my expectations.. bcoz den i wud giv differently too.. theres awaez sumone hu has to give more.. am i de one givin more, or am i just foolin myself?

im sad..

tried singin to forget... sang until i became breathless.. and it still didnt work... and god realli played a cruel joke on me... even while outside, i had to hear de song u sang.. and de lyrics were lyk... mocking me.. hahas, i almoz cried out at dinner.. lucky i din.. or my parents wud hv freaked

soon, i will numb myself to escape frm de pain.. and den i will feel nth.. not happi, but not sad, no joy, but no pain too.. wad a wierd body system..

hahas, fallin sick too.. breakin out in cold sweat and getting flashes of hot or cold...

hahas.. dun i juz love myself..

i rmb how we use to enjoy de time we spent laughin, joking, talking, playin... and it hurts me more den ever to see wad we hv now.. silence, emptiness, forced laughter...

mayb its becoz i .................. dats why it hurts so much

god help me [benj]