Benj-

while excavating through my drawers today i happened to chance upon my secondary school chinese notebook. hahaha, and there were alot of Re Ji, diary entries. and just for fun, i read through them.

and i happened to realise i use to be full of respect and love for my parents. it's like we shared a really close relationship and we understood one another really well. maybe idolize would be too strong a term but i really did love them very much and looked upon them as wise, mature, kind adults.

but of late, i think things have changed. maybe it's because im less filial and less understanding? or it could be the fact that i'm older and i want my own privacy. i dont think these are the main reasons though.

maybe i'm wrong to say this but i've to say my parents are not what they use to be.

i mean what sort of parent would tell the child that the world is a evil place and that i have to watch my back and never trust anyone? and what sort of parent would tell their children that everything in the world revolves around being rich and well to do?

yeah, i know, the wordly-wise ones? the realistic, smart, capable kind?

i don't deny that they are.

but you know what, i hate them for that. i hate it when they tell me that i have to scheme against others just so i don't allow myself to succumb to the wicked. i hate it when they tell me i'm too innocent and too gullible. i hate it when they tell me i'm unrealistic and stupid to believe in people. i hate it when they treat my like some childish, spoilt, stupid, child who refuses to stop believing in happy endings and happily ever afters.

and it devastated me most when i told my mum that we should never do anything against our conscience and that a life with a guilty conscience wouldn't be worth living and she replied " well. yes, but your conscience won't feed you, will it? your conscience won't buy you food and support your life"

and my dad. the all so oblivious one. who asked me on my birthday why does it seem as if i've drifted away from everyone. why is it i no longer talk to them? i never answered. i didn't want to hurt their feelings and neither did i want to ruin my appetite by hearing all about how i should destroy others before others destroy me. and i didn't want to hear another word about how i need to be rich and give my family a big house and provide them with material items. YES, they DID say the exact things. i did not misintepret.

i'm sad because i no longer respect them anymore.

and although it's hard to say. things will never be the same again.

oh dear mum and dad. i'm not unrealistic and immature. i know more about the world than what you believe. you have given me more than a fair share of all your problems. but i will never degrade myself to your level just to protect myself from "bad" people. never.

lalalalalaala

what a long and draggy post. and one so ever unfilial. but i had to get it off my chest because i'm quite sick and tired of you two telling mt to wise up etc etc.

i think you two need to grow up. and start acting like parents again. not my financial consultants.