Benj-

sumtimes it gets so hard to do things dat u noe are neccessary but causes so much hurt, tie break.. its time lyk dis where i question myself whether i did de right thing.. but im willing to give up de thing i treasure most if ultimately it helps.. i will break de ties of frenship i have to do wad i have to do. u alr noe wad my greatest weakness is, im afraid of losing my frens.. i realli am, so i wud do anithing to keep them, but this deters me from doing the thing dat i noe have to be done...

but im willing to give up the greatest happiness i have to give sumone a chance at finding his/her own happiness.. even if i hv to lose dem.. and everytime i lose sumone, i feel lyk my heart is being torn into two, i feel damn guilty and lousy... and i feel lyk such a loser.. but i dun mind.. if i have to feel lyk a loser to tear dat person away from sorrow and expose him/her to the truth, den so be it.

maybe in time, ppl wud undst wad im tryin to do, maybe not,, but im gonna take dat chance, i place my faith in dat person and i believe ppl will find thier way into de light, happiness, joy and laughter again. and den i will noe my sacrifice has not been in vain.

im not tryin to act noble and place myself as sum kinda person hu nds revering and respect.. thats not wad i want.. im not tryin to be sum kinda saint or holy messenger... because im NOT, all i wanna do is just find de warmth dat is in everybody, i want them to discover hu they trueli are, because i have lived in anger, hate and sorrow b4, and i noe its an extremely empty and painful thing to go thru. i dun want ppl to go thru wad ive been thru, i dun want pp to be unhappi bcoz i noe wad being unhappi is like.. i juz want ppl to find the hope and miracle in their life.

i never gave up tryin though there are times which i almoz did, but no, i held on, mostly with de help of my lord, and i gave wad i cud... i admit there are many times when i have been unkind, bad tempered, childish and irritating.. i do admit, and i noe it will still happen becoz im onli human after all.. i will nv find perfection in me becoz im not.. there will awaez be times when i will do foolish and stupid things.. but so wad.. get on.. theres no point in sittin and sulkin... it doesnt solve anithin. and so will others, there will awaez be ppl hu make mistake, but isnt it impt to 4giv them as well? wudnt u wan sumone to do de same for u when u do smth wrong? so find forgiveness in ur hearts... when u forgive, u not onli bring happiness to others, but urself as well. dun u feel tired hating, dun u feel tired being angry.. i now i did..

and to ppl hu think im juz blindly following the lord, ure wrong, although the bible saes obey all of gods word, but no i hv nt done dat.. in fact de lord said it is impossible to please everybody, but no i disagreed and i told him theres no harm in tryin. and he says for ppl to go to heaven u nd to accpet christ, and again i disagreed and said that the lord created evry single one of us, so we are all his children and we shud all hv the right to enter the gates of heaven to be with him again. no one shud be deprived of dat. and i also asked him to let me enter hell instead and let all hu do not believe enter heaven instead... becoz i have had the privilage of being loved byhim, but others have not. but i refused to force ppl to convert as well, because i believe love shud come from the heart and not from duty... so no i dun blindly follow god, im not one of those super stonch christian, but i do love god alot.. i realli do, and i noe he will forgive me and allow me to speak freely...

for 15 years of my life, i hv been a self centered, selfish, hateful and angry person... i hated de world for makin me sad, i hated de ppl hu brought misery to my life, i hated evryone and anyone except myself... but in doing so, i wasnt happi, i was nv truely happi, i know de temporary joy u recieve when u see ppl u hate suffer, but its even more fulfillin and wonderful to see dat u can make ppl sad, smile. thats all i wanna do, all i want to do is giv ppl hu are unhappi a chance at being happi... is dat wrong? is it wad u call a busybody and extra? well even if it is, its not stopping me. even if de world has to hate me, even if i lost all my joy and hopes, i wun stop.. i do wad i can..

my lord.. i noe dat urs is de one and onli way.. but if u love me, help me... i dun want to be ever alone, i can lose evrythin but i wud want u to awaez stay wif me..

life isnt a roller coaster, it isnt a crossroad, isnt a drag, isnt a job nor a mission or wadeva u think it is. life is living wif happiness, trust, faith, hopes and dreams. if u cant even live life den u dun noe wad life is, so dun presume u do.

loves [aollovin]