Benj-

by right, i have so much wonderful things to tok about todae.. but a sudden onrush of terrible things just happend simultaneousli, crushin all dat i hold dear too.. i fear i may lose my sanity soon, i do not noe how long more i can supress my feelings, im startin to lose control and i feel alittle bit of me slippin away evrytime

right now.. i feel really really numb, im not happy, but im not sad, not angry, not anything.. i feels so empty and i really dun noe wad to do..

i noe it isnt right, but if there was a way to run away, i wud do it.. this world doee not accept people lyk me.. overly idealistic and self delusional, likewise, the borders that confine me will never allow me to be who i really want to be.. but i dun want to become lyk the world, cold and unfeeling.. but in resisting and refusing to adapt.. it really hurts. i still believe things are wonderful, but wad i see is far from wad i believe, no matter how much i fool myself, reality is such.
lyk in a sea, vast and overwhelming, im just a single fish dat refuses to change.. no doubt, there are those who will be there for me, but ultimately, the world will abandon me and i will be force to choose.

those closest to me, though im really afraid to say this.. are like monsters to me, i no longer know them and i no longer love them, wad love i have left for them is because of my inability to break ties dat bind. but i no longer love them.. the realistic ideas, greed for more and utter hypocrisy is starting to scare me.. im dun onli not love them but sometimes, i fear them.
and this feeling is really very terrible, to not be able to trust the ones dat gave me life, but i can no longer accept their actions and can no longer justify them.. i know they love me, but i can never accept what they have done or even doing. everytime we become more wealthy it means someone out there may be starving, and that really scares me, but all they can sae is "thats just business, and when u grow older u will understand" and "its either we die or they die"
everytime i hear this words.. i shudder to think how such heartless and selfish words can be spoken. perhaps evryone will think im being unrealisticand its perfectly normal to say such words. but i cant! im not lyk dat! its just me.. and.. and.. i will never be able to be.. a monster


what can be more important den just enjoying the company of people dat we love, why do we need shark fins, abalone, sumptious food to accompany us? do we love this more den we love ppl? i cannot accept dat.. mayb reality really has no place for me, i will nv change myself to suit this world, but neither will de world change to suit me.. but how long can i create my own perfect world to be in? how long more can i fool myself, and how long more b4 reality reaches out to get me?

im really afraid now, im living in a house full of vipers, im very sick and disgusted with myself for saying that, but i hv no choice, i hv to open my eyes and stop lying to myself. everytime things happen, i inch furthur away from them, i love home, but i do not love those who stay within it, but yet i can never leave and break all bonds, because my heart will never allow me to do so.

i find myself often torn into 2, about one yr ago, i fnd my heart and how to use it, and now im awaez torn into doing things dat either hurt others at the expense of others, or hurt myself at the expense of others. my mind awaez protects me, it awaez finds the way for me to be unharmed, at all cost to protect myself, but my heart wants me to sacrifice myself for others, it wants me to protect others at all costs.. but its very hard to follow my heart, i want to, but often after i do, i feel terribly used. and my mind will start tellin myself how foolish ive been, how ive been actualli been nth but a mere toy which ppl use once and forget about, or only pick up when they nid it again. but my heart saes dats not the case, it believes dat ppl will be moved by sincerity and i have done smth worthy. it was much simpler when i onli had my mind, but again, i refuse to go back to the old ways

i have been gifted with hypersensitivity. sumthing god gave me, which i believe he wanted me to use to consider the feelings and be in the know of their feelings, so dat i may offer my help. but often, it has lead me to askin qs dat are redundent and sumtimes irritating. but my hypersensitvity has also made me veri wary of the shift in changes of moods, so dat i may better change myself to suit the person, or mayb do things to help which i hv done and have made things better, but sumtimes awaez knowing or suspecting is very painful as well. ppl awaez ask me to not think so much, but if i dun, den how will i noe when theres help needed, and if i had ignored de signs, iden i wud not have tken actions or done small little things just to make ppl smile. so how?

till now i still believe de world is wonderful, right now, i hv not lost total control on my feelings, but i do not know how long more i can last.. i fear b4 im thru, my body wud have already broken down, or too emotionalli drained.. i dun want to be normal if being normal means i hv to hurt others.. but ppl dislike wierd things which is really very controversial for me. i really want to give up. im veri tired.. veri veri tired. sumtimes i think it would be better, if i din wake up after i sleep, at least i wun be confined to this world which has no room for me.

goodnight [aollovin]