Benj-

when things go horribly wrong and u just lose all hope, sumhow bloggin isnt dat appealin.. its been quite long since i last blog, and i do feel abit bad, coz there were alot of wonderful things dat i actualli wantd to talk about, and share, but sumhow i juz realli had no mood to do so..

last fri, we had our eng prelims, de day b4 dat went terribly wrong, and it made me feel just lyk dyin.. i went to school as per normal, just dat every time i start thinking back, my tears wud just flow out, i had a realli bad time, and i think i gave everyone a hard time too i spoke in single syllable, answered wif nods or shakes. just smiled feebly at ppl hu greet me.
thx alots reuben for askin me to cheer up and talkin to me.. although i stil din cheer up, but i do appreciate it.. same to my sun nu, liying, thankew so much for ur encouragement and kind words... but sumhow i was stil in despair and absolutely no strength to at least try being happi.
man its daes lyk this dat makes everybody miserable. but its also thx to these daes dat i see how ppl care.. thankew so much.

my lord, sumtimes i realli feel i cant do wad u want me to do, i realli am afraid of gettin hurt, im afraid for myself, which i noe shudnt be de case.. but i cant help it, no matter how much i force myself to think of others firz, sumhow or rather, i wud still think of myself.. i hate dat! i realli do, but i dunno how to control or stop myself, i realli feel lyk i dun noe anithing animore, i no longer noe wad to do, and as i slip furthur into my misery, i slip furthur away from u as well. and i realli dun want that to happen, ure the onli family i truely trust and love now, so i dunw ant to eva leave u, if not, i will be all alone. and no one will catch me when i fall, why shud anione, after all im just a bloody selfish bastard hu onli think about how to safeguard myself. i noe it shudnt be this way, but i do hate myself, why am i so helpless, so useless.. i want to put smiles on the faces of ppl, but i awaez fail terribly.

nurul is out, i almoz cried, im realli gg to miss her voice.

prelims are here, everybody jiayou.

i hope i can find a way out of this madness soon.

loves!!! [aollovin]