Benj-

i know the meaning of the word blessed. but right now, i dun feel in the least bit blessed and if its a test that god is putting me through, then im afraid i just might not be able to make it. why do bad things happen all at the same time, one after another, lyk their sole purpose is to break me down.

being able to hold on and grow even stronger, definitely shows something about me, but giving up and failing only makes me human. im not some saint, not some holy being, im an ordinary spoilt brat who has been mostly protected thruout my entire life. i cant handle it.

being way emotional does NOT help

being someone irrational makes things WORSE

being an idealist only means im on my way to FAIL

my lord, im way tired, im tired of feeling anything but happy, tired of people, tired of life, tired of everything. i take comfort in knowing there are people who love and care for me, but im sick, if im not sick, im tired, i am SICK and TIRED of losing people i love.

maybe there are people hu are way fortunate compared to me, but it doesnt make me feel any better, it only makes me feel life is filled with nothing but suffering. i hate suffering, i hate to see people suffer, i hate death, i hate sickness, i hate pain, misfortune, accidents etc etc.

but no matter how much i hate them, they are here to stay. they are there to make lives miserable. and ive come to realize that no amount of happiness can replace the pain uve felt, its not simple math, not simple formulas and not some frigging chem titration process where everything can be balanced out with some simple calculations.

i really wish i didnt feel so much, i dont understand why i am so wrecked by my feelings, i use to embrace them, believing they were evidence of humanity, but i wish i din feel anything now. if i din, it probably wouldnt hurt so much.

i really feel so lost. my lord, if you would take pity on me, relieve me of my pain, if u love me at all, stop my hurting, end my suffering, i know its easy to just ask for things, easy to ask you to solve my problems for me, but im nth now. my dreams eludes me, my hope and faith is gone. if u dun save me, no one will.

im just too tired to do anything anymore.

i want everything to end. i nv did belong...