Benj-

sometimes i really wonder what im living for. hahas. i think i live mostly for others. i dont usually do things for myself but as long as it involves others, i would do it. hahas, like in secondary school, i would do my friends homework but wouldnt do mine. lol. so funny lah

i wonder what would happen if i would lose all the people i live for. i think i'll be a zombie, wondering around aimlessly, some useless thing that would be better off dead.

hahas, that sounds scary lah. but the funny thing is i like living for others. i think it gives me a sense of purpose, it gives my life direction, gives it meaning. of course im not crazy, i live for those i love lah. my friends, my family....

but sometimes i think im really crazy... i always imagine myself in this situation, where theres a random person with me, and a loony holding a gun saying only one can live and the other must die. i think i would tell the loony to kill me. WAIT. im not nuts, its just that suddenly i would think of the person's family, people who love him. and if he dies, how much grief that would put them in. i cant take it lah. even if i lived, i would live in misery and guilt for the rest of my life.

yahh, damn extreme lah.. but its what i think i would do if it were to happen. but then people tell me im very selfish, cause by doing that, i would be causing misery to MY own close ones, i would grieve the people who love and care for me. yah i think im very selfish too. but i still wouldnt act otherwise because i just cant do it.

aiyoo.. im just giving myself a headache.. but i rather be selfish then be wicked. exchanging another person's life for my own.. is just... omg.. damn wrong lah. i would rather exchange my life for another. yah.

what a rubbish filled post im posting today. hahas but its random times like this when i would just suddenly ask myself what im living for, and imagine strange situations like this. hahas so wierdd.

but i think god wouldnt want me to live for myself too.. i never did mind living for others because i know that god will lead my life for me, the more i love others, the more god will love me. yahh.. i believe in that. yahhhh...

i really love you my lord. i think its been a real long time ive felt such closeness with you. and i really yearn for it again. i dont ever want to be far from your side, i dont ever want to be distanced from you.

hahas all the lord has taught me is coming back to me now.

im so happy.

i hope it lasts forever

replies

siokxin: hellooo, how can i not be fat?? I PUT ON WEIGHT!! omgggg.. im like this horrible pig that doesnt stop eating!! aHHHH, im godzipigga.. AHHHH!! rawrrrr. YOU are NOT fat can?? tsk!! not in the least bit lah. tsk. tsktsk. tsktsktsk.

sophie: hahas i am!! im interested in psychology.. its always what i wanted to study. but my mum dont allow. yahh.. so i changed to law. but actually i still like it alot. hahas. what story telling?? huh??

passer-by: yah, life is very unfair sometimes, yet sometimes its also so great. hahas, so yah, i guess the most i can do is place my faith in god and believe everything will turn out for the better. hahas. yups. X)

syafs: im so fat!!! IM GODZIPIGGA lah!! the godzilla pig. omg.. so upset.. hahas i tried the water thing, but i just felt like going to the toilet after that.. ahahas. i miss you syaf!! cya around in school!!

hantu: HELLO SWEEPY!! hahas, i think you're sleepyyy.. hahas, go sleep lahh.. have a good rest. and i dont see you so often in school one.. tsktsk. must see you around more.. ahahas. cya!!

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