Benj-

inspiration.

my "so much, and/but" list

- i have so much to do. but im not going to do it.
- i have so much to say. but im not going to say it.
- i have so much to exercise. and im going to do it
- i have so much fats. and im so sad.
- i have so much complaints. and im going to complain anyway.
- i have so much anger. but im not going to be angry
- i have so much money. but its monopoly money. :(
- i have so much to pray. and im going to do it.
- i have so much to so much. but im not going to so much anymore.

hahahhas. tell me about random.

i think my fuse in incredibly short these days. of course, it still takes alot for me to blow up in front of others. but actually im KA-BA-BOOMING away in me. hahas. i have no idea how i can make something so serious sound so silly. ahahahas.

i need a break. i need to go into insolation. i need to be a hermit. i need a cave, where i can hide in. but the cave must have aircon, a bible, a kitchen, a fridge, a uzap, a exercising machine, a computer, a phone, a bed, a tv, cable, bathroom and a cat. i'll bring my dbsk ipod along with me too. but you dont have to know that. hahahas. anyone know where i can find this cave?

lol.

i just need to be alone. to be with god. to learn how to serve others again. to learn how to be more forgiving, be more compassionate, be more selfless, be more accepting, be more sensitive and be more godly. wahh.. i think i should have a "be more" list too. hahas

(im sorry, i just realize that whatever i typed below is very.. erm.. disturbing. i wouldnt suggest reading it. i only typed it out, because its my only way to vent everything im withholding. so please dont go on, if you dont like disturbing stuff, im very serious about it.)

im dead serious.

im really considering distancing myself from everyone before i become a major pest and asshole. or maybe i already am. then in that case, i want to distance myself from everyone before i become a bloody effing bastard. or have i also reached that stage already? lol.

lord, save me.

it hurts to see myself slip furthur into a monstrous state. it doesnt only hurt, it scares me. am i capable of such evil things?? i am. and its so... so.. disgusting, hateful, so.. wrongg.

i dont think im emoing, im not. im reflecting, and what i see in my reflection is this.. this... THING. this FREAK.

and the problem is, i cant change! i dont know how to. it isnt so simple like, hey im wrong, i need to change, that sort of thing anymore. i utterly abhor myself. and why shouldnt i? and why shouldnt others? i have a million apologies to say. i want to say sorry to you, and you and you you you... i have a million things to make up for my mistake.. i have a million things to be forgiven.

but even if you were kind enough to forgive me, i wouldnt forgive myself. my lord, you would forgive me, but i wouldnt. if there was this lift that allowed me to go to heaven and hell, i would go to hell instead. because i feel i belong there.

this is what happens when i try to take over my life. good job ben. look at all thats happened? you have no one but yourself to blame. you forsake your beliefs, you forsaked the lord, and you forsaked your heart. you chose this path. and now you have to suffer for it.

maybe you think im just making a big hoo-ha out of nothing. but i know very well how much i've changed, the things im capable of doing, the hurt that i can cause, the schemes and plots. the twisting of my mind. the warped thoughts in my head.

i no longer trust myself enough to be around people.

ive become the very person that ive sought to avoid my entire life. someone who lives only for himself, who destroys others to ensure his own survival. someone who believes the world is a dark place full of deciet, lies and self preservation. realitist? i dont think so. try BEAST, CREATURE, IT

I REALY REALLY HATE THIS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I ABHOR WHAT IVE BECOME!!!

yea, i would destroy myself. i would. if only i wasnt so afraid of the pain. and there you go. something more to add about myself. a coward.

tell me, dont i just rock the world.

ben. u sick bastard. just do everyone a favour and disappear.