Benj-

you know, i really believe that deep down inside, you guys really do care for me, are worried for me and really want me to be happy. and i truely do appreciate that, i do.

but i think i need to let you know that, in the course of caring, you really hurt me as well. i mean really, is what i believe in so wrong? tell me. give me a definite answer, and why so? and if what i believe in is wrong, that what makes yours right?

please dont get me wrong, i dont question your own values and morals, i dont think they are wrong either, but is my beliefs wrong only because of your inability to accept that im different or is it really because im wrong?

am i wrong to place complete trust in my friends?
am i wrong to want to go out of my way to make others happy?

i admit. i have faults. PLENTY of them. and i need you to point them out to me. i dont mind, i appreciate it in fact.

but why do you want to change the way i treat others?

everyone asks me why i try so hard, why am i so naive, why am i so stubborn.

but isnt it worth it? i was able to do what i do for such a long time because your smiles and laughs are reward enough for me. i love to see that smile on your face, i love the sound of your laughters. thats all! and i would do anything to be able to bring that smile to your face, to hear you laugh. when you guys are happy, so am i.

is that so hard to understand?

things like money, if i could actually use money to buy this happiness no matter how insignificant, why not? if i have to go a little extra mile for you just so you can be happier, no matter how little it is, why not?

the problem is that, you guys dont laugh and smile anymore. in fact sometimes im labelled as dumb, silly. how would i feel then?

i dont think im noble. i dont think im saintlike. not in the least bit, in fact i think the worst of myself because i know of all my weaknesses and sins. BUT! i am proud and so glad to call you guys my friends. i would not hesitate to say that my friends are better than others. i can brag about you guys all day. because despite all my shortcomings, i always felt you all would continue to be there for me, to support me and help me. to also try and understand how i feel.

my thinking and ideals arent wrong. and you know it hurts when you tell me i cannot survive when i go out into society next time. so what makes you think you all will? everyone is so determined im doomed when i move on, INCLUDING my parents.

obviously you all have no idea how much it hurts when you tell someone that. mum and dad as well, stop telling me how i should live. stop telling me how this person is bad and that person is evil!! and the rest of you too!! its sickening. i place my all my trust in all of you because i believe that none of you would ever want to hurt me. and until now. I STILL DO BELIEVE THAT! so unless you guys have been using me, why are you so afraid of me trusting everyone?

yes. i understand that there will definitely be people who will hurt me, who will use me and eventually destroy me. but, so? you mean just because of that i have to start doubting? i have to lose complete trust in all of you? dont you find it sad? that you cant even trust those around you.

im sorry, but i may be sad when one day someone bad tries to ruin me. but you guys will always be sad because you cant even trust those around you.

also you do not understand the concept of happiness is not about how much you have, but how much you share.

and you will never understand the meaning of love because there you wont even want to sacrifice your own self interests. (smth that i havent really been able to do as well)

guess what. im tired of trying to explain myself already. im so sick and tired of people telling me what to do, sick and tired of people disregarding my feelings, disregard the fact that i can be upset and yet do nothing to prevent it.

but im going to go on living the way i want to. i dont care about the future. dont care about what happens tomorrow or next year or etc etc. because i always believe if i meet with any mishaps tmr. at least i will die not regreting the way i lived.

is it the same with you?

when your life flashes past you, would you have wished you lived differently?

so yea, im going to continue being naive as so you call it. im going to continue being foolish and believe anything you tell me. and i would go on trying hard to make those i love happy.

thats my choice. and if you really are my friend, you will support me. if not, then nevermind.