Benj-

i dont know how much more i can take this. it hurts too much for me to bear, but yet i want to persevere and keep holding on. i dont want to lose my feelings, but why is it that i have to cry?

isnt loving someone suppose to be beautiful?

guess not.

but its suppose to be selfless anyway so i shouldnt bother about my emotions. as long as you're happy. then so am i. yups.

its just so hard.

sighs. why do i always suffer this way?

constantly torn in between my own self interests and others.

anyway, someone said i had a very strong mind, strong as in it can affect my body very easily. and i kind of agree. but it happens to be subconcious though, when im conscious, my mind is damn weak lah.

lol.

im really quite tired.

actually, im really very tired. i appear sad because i am but i smile because i dont want you to worry and i hide because i dont want you to see me unhappy.

but its so tiring.

my balloon isnt blown out of proportion. i think it isnt fair to say that our problems are like balloons. its not like as if we purposely blow them up, we arent retarded you know? who would purposely blow big balloons and bring misery to themselves?

ever thought sometimes its the environment that causes the balloon to expand? like heat from the environment? of course there can be no total absolving of one's own guilt. but there are other factors in play as well.

ahh. i dont care already lah.

im tired.

very.

but im going to keep trying. to keep loving. even if i have to keep hurting. i guess this is how god must feel all the time.