Benj-

sumtimes i realli ask myself why i care so much when no one else gives a damn... isz coz im stupid? or isz coz im dumb? maybe idiotic? or isz being retarded? i dunno, well, i do noe dat all de crap i go thru has been self inflicted.. if i didnt care so much, i wudnt hurt so much..

but i cant stop myself... i cant just turn away and pretend i dun noe anithing... its just wrong.. and when i do, it makes me feel damn lousy and guilt ridden.. eva played tug of war? yea its fun alright, provided u arent de rope they are pullin on. not fun at all.

i dun wan to be a monster.. dun let me become one.

u noe magnets are such funni stuff, they have two extreme ends of totalli different properties, one north, one south, two different polarities and yet, still exsist in perfect harmony.. why cant i be de same??
a part of me saes its silly to try so hard, but another part saes its for a good cause and is totally worth it.
a part of me wants to be juz realli sad and self pityin, lyk as if de whole world let me down, but another part of me tells me to stay happi, stay strong and positive for others, so dat when others fall, i might catch them..
a part of me says people dun care, they never do and never will, and dat im just being foolish and self decievin, but another part saes dat ppl hu care are everywhere and if u show dem love and sincerity they will do de same for u.
a part of me wants to change to fit the world, if u stay in a nest of vipers, u change into a viper as well to stay unharmed, if u stay in a cave of werewolves u change urself into one to hurt others b4 they hurt u. but another part of me wants me to stay true to my hopes and dreams, stay true to de things i believe in, stay strong for others and myself.

so wads wad? wads right wads wrong? wads good wads bad?

because ive been a monster b4, i noe i dun wan to turn back into one again, but i do admit it was much easier when i was a monster, u hurt others b4 they hurt u, u hide behind masks and deceit, plotting, scheming... its realli horrifying and when i think back, i even fear myself. but though i wasnt truely happy, i was nv truely sad either... after all wads lying to urself when u lie to everyone else.

but it isnt wad i want, i dun want others to suffer at de expense of my happiness.. how can i be so cruel?! but why do i feel cruelly treated as well? why do i feel so sorely used? am i realli a ride dat u sit only when ure happi, get down when u get sick of it? den when u feel bored, u decide to sit again, den after dat get bored again, get down again. neither am i a toy, dat u play wif when u feel lyk it, chuck into de cupboard when u get sian, den one dae u open den u find it, den u play again, den sian again, den chuck one side again.

i cannot sae all these to anione because no matter how hard i try, i nv want to put my probs on others, lyk as if other ppl dun hv enuff probs of their own, but i realli wish dat for the first time in my life, sumone can actualli be there for me.. so far de onli person capable of dat is the lord..

however i do noe dat there are still some hu cares, ppl hu hv nv treated me good one moment and cold de next .. and i sincereli do thank all of u veri much.. if u can realli feel my appreciation, u will noe hu u are when u read this. if u dun, den dun pretend u do.

where is de warmth i seek?
de comfort my heart needs?
the light dat brings me back
out of de cold harsh dark?
has my life been nth but a dream
shatterin hopes i believe in
is my trust nth but a lie
but it wun be long till my heart dies

no longer believe [aollovin]