Benj-

hahas.. i realli shud label myself a nutter.. well i guess i do becom a lil bit crazy once in a while.. but in any case, i shud embrace the pain dat im facing now.. ahahas.. now heres de deal.. ive awaez found myself really attached to ppl hu treat me well, i feel i realli want dem to be happi, de more sumone treats me well, de more i want to treat them even better, its awaez been lyk dat..

i wanna mention 4 ppl hu realli treated me well, or more lyk was there when i realli needed ppl... firz it has awaez been aloysius hu has been unknowingly or knowingly helpin me by makin me laugh and forget my probs.. i feel realli at ease and lyk i dun hv to worri about anithin at all.. it may seem realli silly, but to me, when i juz feel i wanna give up, he's de one hu awaez manages to make me giv up totalli..
den i have fabian hu once called de moment i told ck dat i was in depression, he immediately called to ask how i was and he told me dat if i have any problems, i cud go look for him.. it was at dat moment when i felt lyk ive been so blessed.. it made me feel realli touched.. and i felt dat its a miracle to get to noe him as a fren..
den i have terin hu although had tons of problems of her own, called to show concern, and though she was feelin so down and maybe even crying over her probs, she stilled had the strength to let me noe dat if i had ani probs, i cud awaez look for her.. she gave me support and encouragement even when she herself was sufferin.. i felt so warmed by her actions..
den i have ck, whose presence was awaez there, always caring and always faithful to de frenship, hu awaez made me feel lyk i mattered...

so these are de four hu have been most kind to me, moz wonderful and moz precious to me.. but it seems dat im not de onli one wif problems and sadness to deal with... dey each had their own problem and devastation to face.. esp terin and fabian... i felt so helpless everytime dey called me to tell me their probs.. i felt so useless, i want to giv them de feelin that dey gave me.. but i felt i cudnt, and i cudnt take away their pain as well.. and aloysius as well, but im not sayin anithin.. i realli wanted to help them... but im after all onli human.. there is so little i can do..

de firz time fabian came to me wif his prob, i alr felt so helpless.. i cudnt do anithin to ease de pain.. to see sumone suffer and not be able to do anithin about me realli tore me apart.. i had no other way but to exchange sumting of my own once again.. i traded the most precious thing i had in return dat the lord took away his pain.. but in de end, i backed out.. i wasnt suppose to, but i did..

followin dat, terin also told me about her probs.. i cudnt do anithin as well.. de same exact scenario, de same feelings.. and den i also found more pain in sumone else.. sumting no matter how hard can nv be erased..

wad can i do?? i din want to see 3 of my moz precious frens suffer animore.. i realli din wan dat.. but wad can i do?? i no longer had anithin to give up or trade. yes i noe de lord doesnt answer prayers onli when i trade things.. but im doing it to show de lord dat it realli matters to me.. but i realli had nth else.. other den my life.. which is totalli useless.. so i decided to take instead.. i asked the lord to take wadeva pain dat they had and will have to put it on me instead, and as long as they were happi, i will not find happiness for myself...

yea, so i wud guess de onli reason why im sufferin now is bcoz de lord has answered my prayer... those hu read this and find dat im talkin crap, ure so utterli wrong! de lord does answer prayers, and he has answered every single one i prayed whether u believe it or not.. to those hu dun believe, u will nv feel ur prayers hv been answered, coz ure so blind to even notice it..

i realli feel lyk my life has no meanin, has no purpose, wad more can i giv? wad more can i do? i drown myself in sadness refusin to even try to smile.. i hated everything dat i had done.. i feel stupid and used.. i feel dat wad i did wasnt even appreciated.. i even felt hated..
but it finally dawned on me, i love my frens, and lovin means givin up wifout hesitation, nth about me matters, i onli want the ppl i love to be happi.. yes i finally understand, to have the people i love, be happi is alr wad ive set out to achieve, and even if my frens stil do feel pain, at least they will never be alone sufferin.. loving ppl has awaez been stupid, whether its love in a realtionship, love in a family, love among frens.. it usualli hurts juz as much as it heals.. but i feel content dat at least im able to love my frens, and even if they no longer treat me as one.. i noe dat their smiles will awaez be my reward... for showing love.. wad can be more precious den seeing de ppl u love smile? and if given de same choices, i wud still give away everything to see the ppl i love, happi.. dats all i wan, and even if i hv to hurt for de rez of my life.. i stil have others hu love me and care for me..

loves [benj]