Benj-

ive never ask myself this, but why love ppl hu do nth but continue to disappoint and upset u?? why give all of urself away when de ppl u love treats u lyk dirt? why cheapen urself to such a pathetic state? why degrade urself to such a low pitiful form dat ppl think ure a despo?? i dunno, i realli dunno, is it realli bcoz we need them? isz realli becoz we will not be happi wifout dem??

i realli dunno de answer, i guess de onli reason i do such things is bcoz there is sumone hu does de same for me, the lord loves me no matter wad, even when i sin, even when i defy him, even when i disobey him... even when i dun love him, he still loves me all de same...

dats why i want to be de same, i want to be lyk de lord, i want to love so unconditionally and noblely, but such strength is realli beyond me, foolishly i still think of myself when i love ppl, i can nv cast myself away fully enuff..

in de end, i come to nearly regret de things ive done, bcoz it juz hurts so much.. and u question urself wad uve done wrong, and u find nth, and u ask why u hv to go thru all dis crap for ppl hu appears to nt give a damn..

i tried pushin all de blame on myself, i blame myself when bad things happen.. but wads the use?? it doesnt help, u juz continue to cheapen urself... and u continue to drown in sorrow... in de ned, it juz hurts so much, ur heart dies..

my heart died once b4, i feel it may die again... but yet at de same time, my eyes hv opend to see more ppl hu i shud cherish.. i have so much fun wif them, i feel so free wif them, thank u so much... but i dun noe wad to do now, i dun want my heart to die, but it will sooner or later, i can hold on to it stubbornly.. i wan to, but im juz afraid i might fall apart..

my lord, i want to be lyk u, i want to love as u do.. but i draw my strength not from myself... and if my source isnt there, where else can i draw it from??

loves [benj]